WTF Fatigue: Jodi Arias

It was inevitable. The constant news coverage of America’s sweetheart psychopath Jodi Arias, her lack of remorse, her claims of being a “survivor” while ex-boyfriend, Travis Alexander, lies 6-feet under and her list of “mitigating factors” for why she should not receive the death penalty for the brutal and pre-meditated murder of Alexander has induced a heretofore-unknown mental health condition in me.

WTF Fatigue

I have WTF Fatigue and am certain I’m not the only one.

In case you’ve been on a media blackout, Jodi Arias stabbed her ex-boyfriend, Travis Alexander, 27 times, shot him in the head and slit his throat nearly to the point of decapitation with malice and forethought after having sex with him in May 2008. Guess she wanted to hit it before she quit it. Whatta reptile.

I will not detail the history of her relationship with Alexander, the grisly murder, her numerous lies, her “amnesia” about the details of the murder (while being able to remember the minutia of her sex acts with Alexander), her preposterous claims of being a domestic violence victim (while there is ample evidence she stalked and terrorized Alexander) and her equally preposterous claims that she felt degraded and abused by sex with Alexander when her sexts, voicemails, etc., to Alexander give new meaning to “enthusiastic consent.”

Rant tangent: If women don’t want to be “used for sex” then they shouldn’t use sex to try to get men (or women) to be in a relationship with them. These are usually the same women who serve the freaky deaky sex up on a platter straight from the get-go. That’s like being a drug dealer that complains the only time someone calls is when they want dope. If that’s what you’re peddling, don’t blame the customers.

And please spare me the happy horseshit about having low self-esteem and men “taking advantage.” There are women who do the same thing to men for money and status. If you don’t want to be “used for sex” then don’t use sex. If you decide to roll the dice and have sex without love and commitment, then be grown-up enough to live with the consequences of your choices should you not get the pay-off you want.

If you believe you have nothing more to offer than sex then stop watching reality shows, stop the mall-hopping, the bar-hopping and the endless navel-gazing, get some therapy, take some adult enrichment classes and become a more interesting person that has more to offer than 3-minutes in “heaven” and a lifetime of endless bitching. The same goes for men who believe women are only interested in you for money. If you don’t want to be used for your money or for sex, then don’t go fishing with it. Are there predatory women and men in the world who will take advantage of you? Yes, so don’t paint a bulls eye on your back. Arias is no victim. Sex was a tool to manipulate and control.

There’s also a red flag here, folks. Women who feel “used for sex” — especially when they’re quick to jump into bed — are telling you that they’re TRANSACTIONAL. They only give with an expectation of getting and sex is currency to them. If you have sex with this kind of woman, she believes you “owe” her. Arias didn’t get what she wanted in return for sex from Alexander and he paid with his life. End rant tangent.

Psychopath TV – All Jodi! All the time!

When I first read about the Arias case, I thought to myself, “Oh, another sociopathic borderline. Wonder if she’ll claim to be the real victim and manage to get off?” Miraculously, the Arizona jury didn’t pull a Casey Anthony and found Arias guilty of first-degree murder  – even though she’s a woman and card carrying member of the Sisterhood of Professional Victimhood. Shocking, I know.

Even Arias was surprised by the guilty verdict and said she felt “betrayed” by the jury. WTF #1. (There were multiple previous WTFs. This WTF is when I officially began counting).

Specifically, Arias said, “It felt like a huge sense of unreality. I felt betrayed, actually, by the jury. I was hoping they would see things for what they are.”

Unreality? You mean like when Alexander’s family and friends learned their loved one was butchered and left for dead in a pool of blood? In true BPD-sociopath fashion, Arias shows no compassion for her victims and their feelings and reserves compassion exclusively for herself. Furthermore, last time I checked, murder is a crime. Seems to me, the jury would have betrayed U.S. law by acquitting her. This was not a crime of passion nor was it self-defense. It was pre-meditated murder.

“See things for what they are” = “Believe my persuasive blaming and victim-speak and let me get away with murder.” Arias seems to have expected the jury to believe her contradictory, hole-ridden testimony as opposed to the evidence.

She banked on jurors believing her emotionally charged bullshit instead of the facts. But why shouldn’t she?

Lots of women get away with murder (sometimes literally) in Family Court and Criminal Court every single day. Just look at male vs. female conviction rates for similar crimes and who the winners are in the majority of Divorce-Custody Lotto cases. In that respect, I suspect Arias does feel like she’s getting a raw deal for being convicted of a crime she admitted committing because she’s a woman and should, therefore, be exempt from the consequences of her aberrant behaviors.

Arias told Fox affiliate KSAZ, “I would prefer to die sooner than later. Longevity runs in my family, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my natural life in one place. I believe death is the ultimate freedom and I’d rather have my freedom as soon as I can get it.” Textbook Borderline all-or-nothing maneuver. “If you don’t give me what I want then get out! Wait, no, I didn’t mean it! Please don’t go!”

Sure enough, after her conviction two weeks later on May 21, 2013, Arias back-peddled like Lance Armstrong on steroids and pleaded for her life at the sentencing hearing. Her attorneys must’ve clued her into the possibility of appellate court and being released after 10 years give or take for “good behavior.”

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Arias wasn’t under oath while she made these statements — not that being under oath stopped her from lying during the trial. She has yet to apologize to Alexander’s family. She said SHE feels bad for hurting them. SHE feels “destroyed” knowing her actions might have contributed to Travis’ grandmother’s recent death. She said she did not mean to hurt them. No, she meant to hurt Travis. Intention does not negate consequence. Her feelings for herself are irrelevant, but that is her only point of reference — like most sociopaths, psychopaths, malignant narcissists and borderlines.

Arias said she avoided looking at Travis’ family during the trial for “a variety reasons [she] won’t go in to.” Many of my clients’ former spouses cannot or will not make eye contact with them after making false allegations and destroying them with the help of family court. I think this is because on some level they know what they’re doing is wrong and can’t bear to see their twisted selves reflected back to them. Again, this is about Arias not wanting to feel bad and has nothing to do with empathy for the Alexanders.

Arias claimed she has contemplated suicide since being imprisoned and wrote numerous goodbye letters to her family. She said she didn’t go through with it because she wanted to spare her family the same pain the Alexander family is experiencing. What a sensitive, caring person she is — much like some mothers who, when faced with losing a custody dispute because of their crazy and abusive behavior, murder their kids and bungle their own half-assed suicides.

Arias then confirmed my earlier hypothesis about her attorneys cluing her in to the possibility that a life sentence doesn’t necessarily mean life — especially if you’re an attractive, young woman.

“If you elect me your junior high student body president, I promise to . . .”

This is when the WTFs started coming fast and furious complete with an overhead projector (WTF). Arias argued that she should not be put to death because of “all the good” she could do if she’s allowed to live like:

1. Let her hair grow and donate it to a wig charity for cancer patients. Why, she’s already done this three times since her incarceration in 2008! She’s a real philanthropist as far as psychopathic, borderline personality disordered killers go. WTF. Frankly, I’d rather go bald than have her hair on my pate.

2. Teach her fellow inmates Spanish. Arias claims that since she’s been in jail, she’s received scads and scads of emails and letters from women asking her to teach them Spanish (guess they never heard of Berlitz and, by the way, WTF). Due to the trial keeping her soooooo busy, she just hasn’t had the time for bilingual pursuits. If she’s allowed to live, she promises to teach her fellow inmates in the “general population” Spanish. ¡Ay, caramba! 

3. Start a prison recycling program. And this wouldn’t just help the women’s prison. “It is one small thing that could have a far-reaching positive impact on the community and the planet.” Ah, the grandiosity. Jodi saves the world one aluminum can at a time! WTF.

4. Teach fellow inmates to read. “I know reading has enriched my life by expanding my knowledge base and opening my eyes to new worlds and different cultures. I, too, can help other women, so they can add that dimension to their lives.” Guess she must have missed the books on her summer reading list about how murder is wrong. And really? Arias as an educator and mentor? Am I the only one who sees something incredibly perverse about this? WTF.

5. Start a book club “to stimulate discussions of a higher nature.” Look out, Oprah! Your book club is about to get an ass pounding! Here comes Jodi! I recommend Arias start with Crime and Punishment and follow it up with The Count of Monte Cristo.

6. Sell “Survivor” t-shirts to help “other victims of domestic violence.” This is the one that pisses me off the most. I try not to drop too many F-bombs in print, and if I were going to do it, this is certainly the time for it. Arias is not a survivor. Arias is a murderer. She is a perpetrator. Abso-freaking-lutely shameless right to the bitter end. I cannot believe her lawyers allowed her to do this. Big shameless balls on this one. Any domestic violence shelter that accepts money from this psycho-killer should automatically forfeit any and all state and federal funding.

7. Do a lot more good stuff (*if the prison lets her).  Although, Arias doesn’t know what that other good stuff is at the moment, she promises she’ll find many more ways to help fellow inmates, and you know, humanity. Speaking of humanity, oh, the humanity.

“A few things about Me, Me and ME.”

After making her junior high case about all the good things she will do once she is elected class president in prison, Arias began a slideshow complete with baby pictures, toddler pictures of herself playing in the sprinkler, toddler pictures of herself playing dress-up, pictures of her childhood trips to Sea World and Hawaii and high school pictures of herself smiling for the camera. Her argument seemed to be, “Please don’t put me to death for my crimes because I was a cute baby.” Guess what, Ted Bundy was every bit as cute as Jodi.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Childhood cuteness being used as a legitimate legal argument for mercy? WTF.

Arias then claimed her bestie from high school was harassed and threatened, which is why she wasn’t there speaking on her behalf lest we forget who the real victim in all this is. Then, she made some vague references about her relationship with her father improving after she moved out, not having enough money to pay for heat in her first apartment she shared with her first boyfriend and it getting so cold they could see their breath, quoted Charles Dickens, talked about how her first boyfriend will always be “special to her” and more pictures of other ex-boyfriends. Then Arias talked about her different hairstyles over the years  – all with corresponding photos. “Here I am in my redhead stage. Here I am in my blond stage. Here I am skiing. Here I am in Palm Springs. Here I am on a terrace — it’s on the ocean, but you can’t see it very well on this screen. Look at me, look at me! Look at meeeeeeeeeeeee!”

Is this a court of law or her Facebook page? Her Internet dating profile? WTF does any of this have to do with anything?

Then Arias showed some more ex-boyfriend pictures, talked about going on dates to live reggae and blues performances in Monterey and how the band dedicated songs to her and her then boyfriend, how she went on summer camping trips, hung out with colleagues after work, rode the aerial tram in Palm Springs and went to Chuck E. Cheese. What, no moonlit walks on the beach? Again, WTF?

Arias sniffled and seemed to choke up about how she will not be able to take photos at her sister’s wedding next year and won’t be able to hold her nieces and nephews. Every now and again she would make a cursory reference that Travis won’t be able to do these things with his family either and then quickly resumed talking about herself. It seemed like one of her attorneys had her edit those things in after reading her first draft in an effort to feign some semblance of empathy.

Then she threw a pity party about how she will never be a mother — unless some freak out there marries her, has conjugal visits and knocks her up. You know there’s more than one freak out there that would marry and have kids with this psycho, which she would undoubtedly try to parlay into a reduced sentence. Arias’ plea was essentially about how murdering Travis has caused her to suffer. From start to finish, she made it all about her.

“As some of you may know, I’m an Artist.”

Just ask Travis Alexander about her handiwork and Dexter-like photog skills. She’s a regular blood spatter Jackson Pollack. Yes, this narcissistic monster included a slideshow of her crappy paintings and etchings in her plea and bemoaned the fact that she won’t be able to do oil paintings in the pokey. Among her oeuvre are portraits of Frank Sinatra, Elizabeth Taylor and Elvis. WTF. Then Arias sniffled about how she will no longer be in family Christmas portraits. Narcissistic much? Heaven forbid she miss a photo-op.

“I was hoping to avoid trial, not the outcome (although, that would have been nice) and go quietly into the night. Are you getting my good side? Be sure to get my good side! Wanna see me do a handstand?”

Go quietly into the night? Avoid exposure? This woman is on every news channel, YouTube and all over print media — if there’s a camera and a mic, she’s there. This piece of work has yet to shut up. At one point, she was running a Twatter feed from jail ferchrissakes — she may still be, don’t know.

The defense’s fatal mistake was putting her on the stand and in front of media cameras. Had she kept her mouth shut and looked pitiful and mute from the defense table, her cockamamie defense might have worked. Instead, they allowed Arias to bask in the limelight and the media has given her a platform. I’m waiting for ABC to announce Arias as the next Bachelorette. There’s already a Lifetime movie scheduled to air next month. Let’s hope “lifetime” is also the length of Arias’ sentence – without parole.

“It was never my goal to malign Travis’ character. It was my goal to preserve his reputation.”

Bullshit and WTF, WTF, WTF, WTF. She recounted their sexual relationship in graphic detail and in unadulterated predatory braggadocio. She tried to put him on trial for liking what some people consider to be kinky sex.

“I wouldn’t even harm a fly (or a spider.)”

This is one of the last lines from the Hitchcock thriller, Psycho. You would think someone on the defense team would have mentioned this to her. Too bad she didn’t show Travis the same compassion she shows spiders.

“Please spare my life. Not for me, of course, but for my family.”

This part left me especially incredulous. “In many ways, my family has suffered a loss, too . . . their hopes of welcoming me home someday were forever dashed [when I was convicted].” Unless Arias’ family lives in the same self-centered, unreality bubble she does, how could they even think that was possible? Again, this was all about Arias and her suffering with cursory mentions of the Alexanders’ suffering.

Much like Steven Alexander who, in his victim impact statement said he doesn’t want to see Arias anymore, neither do I. If the next jury gives her life instead of the death penalty, let’s hope part of the sentence is NO MORE MEDIA INTERVIEWS. NO INTERNET ACCESS. No intermediaries giving interviews on her behalf and no intermediaries blogging, tweeting and selling Arias’ outrageous tee-shirts and crappy “art.” If the jury really wants to punish Arias, they will put her away for life and prohibit her from any media attention with no chance for parole. No Geraldo interviews. No interviews of any kind. Nothing.

Here is a synopsis of the “mitigating factors” to not give Arias the death penalty: 

I just don’t see how any of this is relevant. If Travis had murdered Jodi, would these points be considered compelling arguments? Of course they would not be relevant. If her defense team had any integrity, they would not have let her share her personal scrapbook  and natter on about herself for 30 minutes.

Arias should have said, “I am both deeply ashamed and sorry for what I have done. Even saying this, I know there is nothing I can do to make amends for the pain and harm I have caused Travis, his family and my family. Even though I don’t deserve it, I beg this court for mercy. If you give me life instead of death, I promise I will be a model prisoner, stay out of the public eye and do nothing to cause Travis’ loved ones further pain. I am profoundly sorry and will regret what I have done until the day I die.”

Jodi Arias isn’t sorry for killing Travis Alexander. She is sorry she got caught and is suffering consequences. Again, she feels bad about the consequences of her behavior, not her behavior. She believes she was justified in killing him, that he deserved it. If she were truly sorry for murdering him and for the pain she has caused his family, she would never have tried to justify her actions and blamed him for killing him. She would not have dragged his name through the mud and put his sexual proclivities on trial. She’s not sorry for committing murder. She is pissed she didn’t get away with it and feels betrayed by the jury that they didn’t let her get away with it.

If I were a juror, I don’t know if I’d be able to sentence someone to death, even someone as richly deserving as Jodi Arias. I wouldn’t want anyone’s blood on my hands and cannot imagine being charged with that task. However, if anyone were deserving of the death penalty, Arias is it.

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.

Abused Men: How Covert Abuse Begins, Part One

This week on the Shrink4Men Forum, members began a thread titled, The Covert Abuse Handbook. In the thread, forum members share their experiences of abuse and the abuse they have witnessed beloved brothers, sons and friends suffer. Abusive personalities typically follow similar patterns of behavior. Men and women who frequent Shrink4Men often remark upon how alike each other’s experiences of female perpetrated abuse are.

Recently, more and more information is becoming available on male victims of abuse. Despite what most feminist domestic violence and gender ideologues claim, men are victims of intimate partner violence at  comparable rates to women.

The first “how-to” is written by “S.A.” (the comments in bold and italics are written by me — Dr T — apologies for my editorial liberties, S. A.) and documents the subtle and insidious behaviors he experienced in his relationship with an abusive ex-girlfriend. He is writing in the voice of the female abuser (in case it isn’t obvious).

Building the Perfect Mousetrap!

1. Keep your Mask on at All Times. When you first meet your new victim, tell him what a great guy he is. Tell him you admire his accomplishments. Bring out your fake self-confidence. Show him you are a resposible, rational, hard-working adult woman.

2. Damsels in Distress are Hawt! Once you secure a relationship with your new victim, drag your ex-boyfriend through the mud. Tell the new guy all the horrible things your ex did to you. Don’t forget to tell your new victim that you stayed with your ex for so long because you “will do anything to make a relationship work, even if it meant wearing a frog costume for role play sex.” Use those exact words.

This will activate his rescuer/fixer impulses and make him feel like you “need” him. Be sure to continue telling him how great he is using phrases like “soul mate” and “meant to be.” Love bomb! Love bomb!

3. Sex Bomb! Have sex with him ALL THE TIME. There is no better way to make a guy rationalize away the occasional slip-up or deviation from the plan than very frequent sex. In fact, tell him that you have a high sex drive and 2 times a day, every day, is how much you want it and that your ex-boyfriend couldn’t keep up with you. Also tell him that you’re fully aware that men have sexual needs and you will ALWAYS see that they are fulfilled.

This is probably the most important step in cementing his connection with you, so do it every chance you get. Never forget: SEX IS A TOOL FOR CONTROL. Do NOT enjoy it too much, just pretend to enjoy it. You dont want to get attatched to sex with him because it will be phased out in a later step. You don’t want to jeopardize the most powerful tool of manipulation and control.

4. Rinse, Wash, Repeat and Put Him on a Long Silken Leash. Keep up steps 1, 2 and 3 for 3-4 months — depending on your victim’s level of co-dependency and the degree of dirty of sex you’re willing to have with him. Let him have some freedom to see his friends and pursue his hobbies, but don’t give him too much. If you were succesful in steps 1, 2 and 3, you shouldn’t have too much of a problem because he has probably started to think he loves “you” (or rather the false you) by now and won’t want to leave your side too often.

5. Let the Shit Tests Begin! This is where all your hard work and porn star sex will start to pay off. At this point, your new victim/boyfriend will probably be missing his friends because he hasn’t left your side for 2-3 months. This step has multiple parts:

a) Let him go have some guy time. DO tell him to have fun and that he deserves it. DON’T let him know that this will be a test of how attatched he is and how much shit he will take. This is a crucial test in preparation for the subsequent steps for control and manipulation.

b) While he is out with his friends, casually send him friendly, flirty, sexy texts. Watch for ANYTHING you can exploit, e.g., not returning a text fast enough, anything that could remotely mean that there is other women in his presence, etc. Also watch the clock to see if he gets back at the time he said he would. If he is more than a half hour late it gives you leverage — even if he called to let you know he would be late.

c) Once you “catch” him on something, call him out on it. Exaggerate what he did because it probably wasn’t bad enough to deserve what youre going to throw at him. Put him on the defensive in a way that he feels he must prove himself worthy to you.

d) Get mad at him in a text, on the phone or in person. Tell him you “don’t need this shit again,” (using a very subtle reference to your horrible ex-boyfriend — don’t worry, he’ll catch it). Then threaten to break up with him. Say something like ,”I don’t think I’m ready to be hurt again.” (Never forget that damsels in distress are hawt!)

e) If he agrees that you’re not good together and wants to break up, then you either didn’t use steps 1, 2  and 3 well enough or you need to find a new victim because this one is not codependent enough and is unlikely to play along with your script and shit tests.

f) If he says “No, I’m sorry. I really want to work things out,” congatulations! Now you can berate him for a few minutes until you feel he has apologized enough, and then have sex with him. This is key. You want him to link Compliance with Sex. Don’t worry this will be phased out later as well, leaving only compliance!

6. Escalate Shit Tests and Commence Blame Shifting and Gaslighting (Squee! Squee!) Now is when your hard work really starts to pay off. Repeat step 5 for anything he does that you don’t like. There will probably be quite a few things you don’t like about him because everything you don’t like about yourself will be projected onto him. Just remember the simple formula: Compliance = Sex.

If he doesn’t do what you want, when you want, without question, get mad at him and blame him for making you unhappy and any other problem you can think of. For good measure, bring up past times he made you unhappy (this is also an excellent way to deflect and distract from your behavior because it keeps him playing defense).

Be sure to exaggerate what he did. If he points out that you said or did the same thing to him, tell him it never happened or you never said it. Another technique is saying, “It’s ok because Im a girl” (this is a variation of the old IDWIDI defense – “It’s different when I do it” – employing double standards is an immature, abusive woman’s prerogative!) Don’t worry, his rescuer/fixer impulses will divert all the blame from you to him for now.

7. The Carrot and the Whip. At the 5 month mark, bring up a couple past relationships. Tell him they only lasted 6 months (*it doesn’t have to be true). Pretend to engage in self-reflection and say 6 months is the time that you usually realize you’re not into a guy anymore or that he started to annoy you or make you mad. To intensify the mindf*ck, tell him that 6 months is also when you really learn to trust a guy and love him. This will keep him on his toes and ensure he takes care of your every want and need. It will also scare him into thinking you might leave him and he probably doesn’t want to lose the daily hot sex.

8. Put the Lid on the Cookie Jar Half-Way. After the six-month mark, reduce the sex to 3 times a week and tone it down a little. This is an “acceptable” and “normal” amount of sex for a “healthy” relationship. This will make him feel like the relationship is stabilizing and that this is how it will be for the duration. Continue the occasional rant along with the daily maintenance abuse like minor silent treatments, sarcasm, eye rolling and once every couple days, shrug off his attempts at affection to prepare him for the next phase.

9. Seal the Deal! Your main goal right now should be to move in with him. To ensure he is firmly and willingly under your control, tell him things he can do to make you happy (*they don’t have to be true). If done correctly, it will foster the false belief that as soon as he figures you out and proves his loyalty and devotion, you will be happy and the occasional rants and maintenance abuse will stop.

You want him to think your happiness is completely within his power to achieve and the reason you get mad sometimes is because of something he did. Tell him that moving in with him would make you feel happy and secure while simultaneously claiming you’re nervous and apprehensive because you’ve been left homeless in the past, thereby reminding him of your ex-boyfriends and giving his fixer/rescuer impulses man tingles.

This step should get you the key to his place within the next few months or weeks depending on your closing skills. If he starts to come to his senses too quickly after you move in, crank the FOG machine (fear – obligation – guilt) and say things like, “I knew this was gonna happen, I always get screwed over” and “I should never have moved in with you” and “Why didnt you tell me this before I moved in?”

10. Pee on his Territory. Once move in day arrives, assert your dominance and make him feel like a guest in his own home. If anything needs to be gotten rid of due to lack of space like furniture, appliances, bedding, etc., make sure he gets rid of HIS things. Tell him that there’s just not enough room for both your furniture and that your items are nicer. If he says he doesn’t want to get rid of something, throw a tantrum and tell him he isn’t committed to the relationship because he wants to keep HIS things and make you get rid of yours (i.e., play the victim).

Making him get rid of HIS things serves 2 purposes:

1. If he is using your furniture, appliances, etc., you can guilt and berate him for not using them “properly,” breaking them, eating on the couch, etc., which gives you more control over him. Remember, everything he does is potential fodder for your grievance/hoop jumping list.
2. If at some point he wants to escape you, he will have none of his own furniture, appliances, etc., which will make his escape more difficult.

11. Isolate, Isolate, Isolate!  Cut off his support system. Now that you’re moved in, it’s time to prepare for the next phase. If your victim tries to see his friends or family, repeat step 6. You don’t want him mentioning your behavior to his friends and family and have him find out that it’s abuse. When he makes plans with his friends either get mad at him, use the silent treatment or guilt him by saying he cares about his friends more than you and wants to spend more time with them than with you. Alternatively, you could let him leave the house and then berate him using texts or phone calls while he is with his friends.

Using this tactic a few times will cause him to equate seeing his friends to doing something wrong and hurting you, which causes stress and anxiety for him. If he does see his friends, make sure you berate and guilt him the next day as well. Accuse him of hitting on women or going to the strip club behind your back. When he reminds you that he promised you he wouldn’t go to the strip club, deny that he ever made that promise.

If these tactics don’t work, turn him against his friends by telling him they treated you badly or said something about him behind his back (*this doesn’t have to be true). This will ensure that he only tries to see his friends once a month at most and when that happens just use standard maintenance abuse.

12. Crank the Dial on the FOG Machine. Once you’re moved in and your previous apartment or house is sold or no longer available, ramp up the FOG. Now that you have him under control and it is exponentially harder for him to break up with you or leave you since you live in his house, you can basically do anything you want. Par-tay!

Quit your job and either find a lazy part-time job or just don’t work at all. Don’t do any house work. The house might get cluttered, but he will eventually clean it for you. All you need to do is tell him you are going to clean it and he will believe you.

If he hasn’t said he loves you yet, use step 6 until he does. Once he does, tell him you love him every day, and drop him a few compliments here and there like, “You’re so handsome” and “You’re such a good boyfriend” (yes, even if you don’t mean it!)

13. Put the Cookie Jar Away and Only Break Out in Case of Emergency. At long last, it’s time to cut off the sex. Only have sex when you feel like it. (1-2 times per month) or if he starts making noises about breaking up (i.e., Hoover). If he asks you or tries to initiate sex, shut him down, sarcastcally if need be. Your victim needs to learn that you only have sex when YOU want to have sex. Remember, he is only there to fulfill YOUR needs. His needs are unimportant.

14. CONTROL. Tell your victim you love him and give him compliments on a regular basis. This keeps him off balance and he will attempt to rationalize your manipulation and control because you have him believing what you say instead of what you do.

After a couple months of little to no sex, he will try really hard to initiate. This is what you want. Shut down all of his advances. If he tries to touch you in a sexual way, kiss you or compliment you in a sexual way, etc., shrug him off and sarcastically call him a name like pervert or dick.

Meanwhile, make him believe you want to have sex 1-2 times per week. Touch him and tell him to touch you in a sexual way (fully clothed) and tell him things like; “I can’t wait till later when we can have sex” and “I’m gonna give you a workout later. I cant wait.” Later, when he thinks you will be having sex, make an excuse like you have a migraine, cramps, your IUD is bothering you (*this doesn’t have to be true) or, better yet, fall asleep on the couch at 7:30 before he has a chance to make any advances.

After doing this a few times he will get frustrated and possibly irritated that you keep arousing him without following through. Use this against him by telling him all he wants you for is sex (i.e., play the victim and pathologize his healthy sex drive). When you do actually want sex, if he says no for whatever reason (e.g., sickness, work) sarcastically tell him, “Remember this the next time YOU want to have sex.” He needs to remember that you get what you want when you want or there is hell to pay.

Eventually he will ask why you don’t want to have sex anymore. Make up an excuse such as, “I’m just in that cuddly phase of the relationship” or “We had sex so much at first, I think we wore it out” or the best one, “Because you aren’t trying hard enough.”

Periodically, stop all abuse for 2-3 days and, if you feel like it, have sex with him once during this time. This gets him to let his guard down and forget about the abuse from just a few days ago. It also keeps him longing for “the way it used to be.” This serves to blindside him again and drive him even deeper into the FOG.

When you’re in bed, don’t let him touch you in a sexual way. In fact, if he tries to put his hand on your waist or hip, and get close you you, casually brush it off and scoot away from him, but make sure you are still in the middle of the bed and he is shoved up against the wall. This demoralizes him and makes him feel unatractive and unwanted. If his own girlfriend doesn’t want to have sex with him and treats him like he is disgusting, he will NEVER have the self-esteem and self-confidence to leave you for another woman. Even though you know that, you should still accuse him of looking at and flirting with other women.

15. Instill a Sense of Learned Helplessness. If your victim starts to catch on to your manipulation or wants to discuss your behavior, shut him down mid-sentence and say something like “Relationships are work, if you don’t think I’m worth it just tell me” and end the conversation. Do this every time he tries to criticize you.

Effectively, this will train him not to question your behavior and, as an added bonus, you can later tell him he doesn’t communicate well because he holds all of his feelings inside. In case of emergency, threaten to break up with him. This works in all but the most extreme cases especially if he has fears of failure or abandonment.

16. HOOVER! Because You Suck. If all else fails and you think he is going to leave, act arrogant and tell him you will be fine without him. If he actually says the words, “I want to break up” or something similar, start sobbing IMMEDIATELY. Use every tactic described above. If crying doesn’t work, call him names like “immature little boy” and bring up hurtful things from his past. For example, “You deserve a woman like your ex-wife who will sleep around and cheat on you.”

Alternate between sobbing, name-calling and belittling him. If that doesn’t work and he leaves, text him the next day. Try to sound as self-aware and remorseful as possible, but don’t actually take any blame for anything. If you do you will lose control. If need be, peruse some pop-psychology self-help books and use phrases like “change and grow” or “open the lines of communication” and “find a way back to each other.”

If this works and he comes back, repeat step 3 for a few days to 2 weeks until he is comfortable again, and then you can resume the abuse.
If not, then ask if you can still be friends and use the word “closure” a lot. That way if you need a drama fix, you have him on speed dial.

If he will not answer your calls or return your texts, take heart in the fact that the damage you caused will take months or even YEARS to fix, and that when he does meet a nice sincere woman, it will take a long time for her to convince him she is sincere and earn his trust.

How many of you have experienced something similar in your relationships? Did you abusive partner or ex use a different approach? Please post it here. 

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.

Domestic Abuse Hotline for Men and Women Needs Volunteers

The Domestic Abuse Hotline for Men and Women (DAHMW) is a very important and very rare non-profit organization. Why is DAHMW so important and rare? 

Because it helps male and female victims of partner violence. That’s right, it recognizes that all victims of abuse need help, not just women victims. DAHMW was founded by Jan Brown in October 2000 in Harmony, Maine and has answered thousands of calls from men and women in crisis since that time.

Jan asked me to join the DAHMW Board of Directors in 2012. I officially joined January 2013 and am amazed at how much Jan, the Board and DAHMW volunteers have accomplished with such limited resources. Unsurprisingly, DAHMW does not get to wantonly feed at the VAWA, federal and state domestic violence monies trough like most women’s domestic violence organizations do. Since its inception, DAHMW has operated on an extremely lean budget — and Jan’s grit, determination and sheer force of will.

Some of you reading this may be familiar with the Earl Silverman tragedy. For those of you who are not, Mr. Silverman founded and ran the only men’s domestic violence shelter (MASH4077) in Canada for years. He recently killed himself in despair after having to close the shelter doors due to lack of funding.

Billions of dollars are spent each year on women’s domestic violence shelters, but not a farthing to help male victims and their children. Much like Mr. Silverman, DAHMW doesn’t have tens of thousands of dollars to sponsor events in which young college men are shamed into parading across campus in high heels, to dispense white feathers and other such contrived nonsense that doesn’t do a damed thing to stop partner violence, but does a great job of painting all men as rapists, pedophiles and wife beaters. DAHMW spends what little funding it receives to keep our hotline up and running for all victims of intimate partner violence regardless of gender, sexual orientation, race and religion.

Jan Brown explains DAHMW’s mission:

We collaborate with a number of the established women’s domestic violence shelters in the country that also understand that the human capacity for family violence is not limited or dictated by gender. DAHMW offers support and practical services to victims, to the best of our ability given our limited financial resources.

Our trained volunteer advocates  cover our toll free abuse helpline in shifts throughout the day and night. They take calls from victims, their family members and friends who are concerned about them, as well as social services agencies looking for referrals and supportive services for their male clients. 100% of our volunteers (and staff) are compassionate, caring people who want to make a difference in the lives of victims of domestic violence.

DAHMW is an organization with a lotta heart (say that with a down east accent!) that could use some helping hands and some spare change if you’ve got it.

Passing the Hat and Reaching Out for a Helping Hand 

If you would like to help DAHMW to keep their hotlines open and to continue to provide resources, very badly needed resources, for male victims of domestic violence, please consider making a donation. DAHMW is also in need of volunteers to operate our hotline.

To better understand the volunteer program, I asked Jan a few questions and here they are along with her replies:

1) What are the responsibilities and requirements of becoming a DAHMW volunteer?

Those interested in volunteering on our helpline must fill out a volunteer application and then set up a time to meet with our Intake Coordinator and Training Coordinator by teleconference. We do a reference and criminal background check. If the applicant is approved we invite them to our training group.

Before joining the training group, we ask potential volunteers to make a $45.00 tax deductible contribution to DAHMW (via our paypal link on our website) to help us defray the costs of the criminal background check, etc. If the $45.00 is a hardship, we may reduce or waive the donation.

Once in the training group, the trainee has up to six weeks to finish the reading, quizzes and assignments (we may extend the training time if there is good cause). Once the trainee successfully completes training, he or she will schedule a time to participate in a mock call session (more than one if needed). Once the trainee feels comfortable about taking helpline calls, he or she will choose an available shift (shifts are 4, 6, and 8 hours long). The line is then forwarded to the trainee’s cell phone or landline for that shift weekly. The Intake and Training Coordinators are always available by phone or email if the trainee has any further questions.

We require that our helpline advocates be “violence free,” IOW, not in an abusive relationship for at least one year prior to commencing our training. We ask volunteer helpline advocates to commit to one shift a week for one year. They must also attend monthly volunteer teleconferences, usually held on the 2nd or 3rd Sunday night of the month. These meetings are usually between 45 minutes and 2 hrs long depending on the subject being discussed and/or whether or not we have a guest speaker.

In addition we require helpline advocates to submit their volunteer hours weekly at a site that keeps track of our volunteer hours for us and to submit “call logs” (explained in more detail in our training) for each helpline call they take online at the end of each shift.

2) DAHMW is located in Maine. Can you be a volunteer if you don’t live in Maine? How does that work?

Those interested in volunteering with us can live anywhere in the country. Our agency is set up “virtually.” We use a call forwarding program to send the toll free helpline to helpline advocates phone for their shift, we communicate with each other via teleconference, email, group lists and chat. All a potential volunteer would need is a computer with an internet connection and a cell phone/landline with unlimited long distance. Of course, being a good listener and comfortable working with people in crisis is a must also.

3) You mentioned that all DAHMW volunteers take a training course. What does that entail?

The training course is made up of ten sections. Here is a sampling of the material covered: History of the Battered Women’s Movement, Dynamics of Intimate Partner Violence and Legal Issues for Victims of Intimate Partner Violence.

4) If men and women are interested in volunteering, how do they begin the process?

Send an email stating their interest in volunteering to Theresa Chow at: theresachow75@yahoo.com or Jan Brown at: dahmwagency@gmail.com

Thank you, Jan!

If you have been a victim of domestic violence, have found your way out of the abuse FOG (fear-obligation-guilt) and would like help others to escape that hell, becoming a volunteer would be a great place to begin.

If you are a Men’s Human Rights Activist and don’t know where to direct your efforts, volunteering with DAHMW is definitely a worthwhile cause.

Hope to hear from you!

Ending a Relationship with an Abusive Parent, Child or Sibling, Part One

In our culture, family is sacred, well, maybe not as sacred as it used to be, but it’s still a cultural and psychological institution. As such, there are certain taboos attached to it.

For example, denigrating motherhood is taboo – fatherhood, not so much. Physical incest between family members is taboo. Emotional incest should be equally taboo, but let’s face it, our society – including mental health professionals and Family Court — often turns a blind eye when mothers emotionally incest their children by parentifying them, making them their surrogate spouses, confidantes, peers and emotional and physical caregivers. It is also taboo to break ties with one’s family, whether with a parent, child, sibling or grandparent, etc. Blood is thicker than water, but then again, so is bullshit.

Family may be the tie that binds, but it should not lock one into a permanent, gut-wrenching stranglehold of abuse, contempt, and financial, physical and emotional exploitation. Sharing genetic material is not a license to abuse a child, parent or other family member, carte blanche.

Sharing DNA means there is an obligation to take special care in your relationships with your family, not that you are obligated to tolerate a parent’s, sibling’s or child’s abuse because he or she swims in the same gene pool as you.

I have worked with many men and women, who have had to distance themselves, both emotionally and physically, and, in some cases, sever all ties from their parents, children and siblings after years of unrelenting and unrepentant abuse. These were not easy decisions for my clients who were wrought with guilt, anger, grief and other painful emotions.

The questions I ask in every case are, “If this person weren’t your mother or father or sister or brother or daughter or son, but were a colleague, acquaintance or friend and they treated you like this, would you have anything to do with them? Would you continue to turn the other cheek or would you cut them out of your life like a malignant tumor?”

When blood isn’t involved, it’s a no-brainer. You avoid abusive jerks, but when the abusive jerk is your mom or dad or your son or daughter, most people freeze like a deer caught in headlights at the thought of walking away. This is the aforementioned cultural taboo in full effect.

The emotional torment doesn’t stop after making the difficult choice to end a relationship with an abusive adult child, sibling or parent. Many individuals who make this painful, but rational and healthy decision are plagued with guilt, doubt and societal and familial pressure to maintain the relationship at any cost and in spite of the ongoing abuse. That’s when the Kumbaya Forgiveness Police (*thank you to whenthescapegoatquits for that expression) and well-intentioned, but clueless friends, other family members, pastors and many mental health professionals start the chorus:

But they’re your children. You only have one mother. You only have one father. Blood is thicker than water. Family is family. You have to forgive your family. What kind of a son or daughter doesn’t talk to their mom or dad? What kind of heartless monster won’t have anything to do with his or her children? I know your mother/father misses and loves you. She/he doesn’t understand why you won’t talk to him/her. No one will ever love you like your mother. As a parent, you should never give up on your children! Your children are your children forever.

I am not encouraging anyone to frivolously end a relationship with a young child, teen, adult child or other family member over minor transgressions or the garden variety, forgivable hurts that occur in all families. Severing ties with a family member is not something to be taken lightly and probably shouldn’t be done until you are either an adult (if you’re the child of an abusive parent) or until your children have reached the age where you can no longer intervene by getting them into effective therapy with an unbiased therapist who recognizes and knows how to treat parental alienation and manage an alienating parent who is hell-bent on poisoning children and destroying your child-parent relationship.

If your child is being alienated from you, you MUST do your best to intervene as soon as possible. The seeds of lifelong alienation can be sown in a very short time – like the time it takes to get a BS restraining order obtained against you under false pretenses dismissed, for instance. Or, while you’re supporting your family at work during the day while you’re still married, again, for instance.

It’s not unusual for otherwise healthy adults to have some bitterness during and shortly after the divorce process, which oftentimes spills out onto the children. Healthy reasonable adults realize that a child deserves both a loving mother and father, set aside their differences and get on with the business of co-parenting their children.

But there are many individuals who do not move past divorce bitterness and embark on lifelong campaigns to deprive their former partners of loving relationships with their children. Approximately 20% to 30% of divorces and custody disputes are considered high-conflict. It’s no surprise that this is approximately the same percentage of the population that suffers from some form of personality disorder. It is also a fact that both men and women engage in parental alienation, but alienation is much more effective when conducted by the custodial parent, of which 82% are mothers.

Parental alienation does not end at the age of 18. Alienated children often become lifelong foot soldiers in the alienating parent’s campaign of hatred and destruction. I suspect that, if some form of personality disorder is at play with the alienating parent, that it may become manifest in the alienated child – either through genetic heritability, modeling or both.

Whatever the underlying causes, it sets up the alienated parent, who is often the father, to become the emotional punching bag/disposable ATM for his ex and his children. There’s a bitter irony that a man, who makes the brave decision to end an abusive relationship with a cruel and sadistic and possibly crazy woman, then has his own children groomed to abuse him by proxy. It’s sick. It’s wrong. And it should be criminal and grounds for a permanent change of custody.

If you are facing this dilemma, whether you’re the parent of an alienated child or the adult child of one of these sadistic sick twists, here are some points and questions for you to consider when contemplating “divorcing” your kids, parents or siblings:

1. Is the family member in question an adult or a minor? If they’re a minor, are they old enough to know right from wrong? For example, a 14-year old should know that it is wrong to be deliberately disrespectful and cruel more so than a 3-year old child.

2. If the child is a minor, have you done your best to get them psychological help to undo the damage of the alienating parent?

3. Have you acknowledged, owned and tried to make amends for any mistakes or hurts that you have made in your relationship with the child or other family member?

4. If the child or family member is an adult, have you explicitly told them that their behavior is hurtful? In other words, have you tried to establish boundaries and rules of acceptable engagement?

5. If you have established clear boundaries, have you specified natural and meaningful consequences when they encroach your boundaries? For example, “I love you. You are my daughter, but it is unacceptable for you to insult me and my new wife, refuse to see me and then expect me to pay for your college tuition.” Or, “I love you. You are my son, but I will not continue to reach out to you if you continue to ignore me or treat me with disrespect.” Or, “You are my mother and I love you, but it is not okay for you to yell and scream at me about what a shitty daughter I am, how ungrateful I am and that no one cares about you. I am going to hang up when you act like that.”

6. Does your adult child, sibling or parent vilify and abuse you further for trying to establish healthy boundaries and limits? For example, do they think you’re being abusive, controlling, over-sensitive, etc., for wanting to be treated with basic kindness, consideration, respect and civility? Do they try to portray you as the “bad dad” or “bad child” or “bad sister or brother” for not wanting to tolerate their abuse?

7. Instead of honoring your reasonable requests to improve their behavior toward you, do they cry to anyone who will listen to them that there’s something wrong with you and that you’re the one who needs help?

If you answered yes to these questions, you probably have ample reason to consider going Low Contact or No Contact with your child, parent or other family member. Again, this is not an easy decision for most people and it may be necessary for you to work with a support professional in order to release yourself from the FOGgy (fear-obligation-guilt), psychological family bondage.

Since not all helping professionals are cut from the same cloth, you may want to screen a potential therapist for his or her views on these matters before you begin working with them. Anyone who encourages you to maintain an ongoing abusive relationship is best avoided and viewed as an abuse apologist and enabler – that goes for whether the person abusing you is an adult child, parent or spouse and whether or not they have a personality disorder. There is no excuse for abuse, including the excuse of a personality disorder.

Ending a relationship with someone who abuses you is often a healthy and necessary choice – even if that person is a family member. It is healthy to disconnect yourself from a family member who abuses you in the name of love and uses their privilege as parent, child, sibling, cousin or grandparent to do so. Although, there are many individuals (usually abuse enablers and apologists or people who are fortunate to have never had an emotional terrorist in their life) who will try to paint you as some kind of heartless, unnatural monster for doing so. In reality, it is the abusers who are unnatural and heartless because they are doing the psychological equivalent of cannibalizing their own flesh and blood.

Abuse is typically generational and cyclical. Abusive personalities rarely stop of their own accord. If you want it to stop, you will have to break the chain. Just remember, if you can put up with their abuse you are strong enough to distance yourself and put an end to it.

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.

Obsessing Over an Abusive Ex: Thoughts on Being Stuck

Are you still obsessing about a crazy, abusive ex-girlfriend or ex-wife? Do you still compare the “chemistry” you had with her to every subsequent woman you’ve encountered and find them lacking? Especially women who appear to be kind, loving and stable?

Do you torture yourself with “what if’” and “if only” thinking? Do you hold on to the few good times and minimize the abusive behaviors to which you were subjected? Are you still making excuses for her? Do you still believe she is the “love of your life?” Are your friends and family tired of listening to you talk about her or him?

If so, you are stuck and you don’t need me to tell you it’s an awful place to be. You’re stuck, but odds are, you’re not stuck on her. I frequently work with men and women who are painfully stuck. They grind through the same ruminations over and over and over again and just can’t seem to let go of Crazy.

The discomfort and pain they exhibit while enumerating their obsessions, wishful thinking, longing, shock and awe is palpable. Oftentimes, men and women who have a history of being attracted to abusive partners come from families in which one or both parents were similarly abusive.

This is not always the case. Nice boys and girls from nice families are also targets for abusive, personality disordered partners. This article is primarily for men and women who were groomed during childhood to accept abuse from the people who “love” them, but can also be applied to nice girls and boys who were raised to always turn the other cheek, to always keep the peace and to only see the good in people.

If you’re stuck on an abusive ex or still in a relationship with an abusive partner, but can’t break free because you “love” her, you need to wake up. The abusive ex or partner is not some irreplaceable, special snowflake. She or he is not the end all be all — I don’t care how good the sex is or how good the sex was. She is not your soul mate. She is not the one. She is not your destiny, unless you believe that you’re fated to spend your life in misery. In reality, you’re probably not hung up on her, but on old childhood wounds and the fantasies you have built around her that have nothing to do with who she is in reality. Most likely, she represents a chance at a new outcome to an old hurt.

Crazy is probably nothing more than the embodiment of your unresolved childhood issues and your blind, childish insistence that things work out differently this time. If the descriptions of high-conflict, Borderline, Narcissistic, Histrionic and Sociopathic women on Shrink4Men resonate with you, your “love” is more than likely nothing more than an incredibly damaged, self-obsessed, emotionally stunted, psychologically immature, entitled, manipulative, selfish, empathy challenged, blame shifting, unaccountable, abusive child or teen in an adult body who is incapable of love.

You have likely constructed a fantasy around this woman or man. It is time to stop the “what if’s” and “if only’s” deconstruct the fantasy. You need to distinguish what is an act from what is fact (thank you, Mell) when it comes to your Crazy ex or partner. Ignore her or his words and emotional performances and really look at her or his behaviors. That is usually where the truth of this person lies — as opposed to their words.

But what if I just try harder to reason with her? No. Logic, facts and reason only anger a woman like this.

But what if I just try to be more patient and understanding? No. Being more patient and understanding only makes you an easier and more submissive victim.

I’m not perfect. There are things I could have done differently. No one’s perfect and becoming angry and hurt in response to being abused is a natural and healthy response. Smiling through the abuse and pretending like everything is okay is not okay. Staying, tolerating more abuse and calling it “love” is supremely unhealthy and only leads to more abuse.

I did everything she wanted. How could she just throw everything away and treat me like she did? Please reread the paragraphs above, take a breath, get off the hamster wheel and stop spinning.

In some ways, the folks who get stuck on Crazy remind me of little kids who want to make house pets out of wild and dangerous animals. But what if I’m really, really, super special sweet to Rhonda Rattlesnake and extra, extra patient and loving? Surely she’ll see what a good boy I am and love me back. If I feed her mice whole, take her out for a slither 3x a day, play with her and let her sleep in my bed, she’ll love me, too, and won’t ever sink her fangs in my jugular and pump venom into my carotid artery!

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This is not how it works. Predators prey. Emotional terrorists terrorize.

If you enforce boundaries, hold them accountable and deliver effective natural consequences for their predations, they will move on to find a new unsuspecting target to feed upon. That’s how it works, no matter how patient, loving and kind you are. It’s the law of the jungle.

Grieving Crazy or grieving your past?

If there are similarities between your abusive partner or ex and one or both of your parents, please understand that you are no more likely to get the love, acceptance and approval you desperately want from this woman or man than you were from your mom or dad. You are trying to obtain an emotionally corrective experience from someone who is no more capable of loving you than your parent(s) who did the original damage.

If you’re torturing yourself with questions like, “What if I try explaining things differently?” or “What if I try harder?” or any other “What-if’s,” please stop and ask yourself if you had similar feelings and thoughts when you were a child? Did you have your parents’ love and approval or were you consistently told “not good enough?” Did you feel you had to work hard to earn your parents’ love while they continually moved the goal post? Did your parent(s) put you in no-win situations? Did you parent(s) parentify you (i.e., make you, the child, responsible for taking care of them emotionally and/or physically?) Did your parents’ blame you for their bad and abusive behavior?

Abusive and/or personality disordered parents make their children feel responsible for their rages, cruelty, and withholding of affection and approval and abusive, personality disordered women and men do the same thing to their partners, exes and children.

In reality, it is the parent who is damaged, but causes the child to believe he or she is flawed or bad and that if only he or she was smarter, faster, more attractive, more quiet, more responsible, more something, then mom or dad would love them and be nicer to him or her. It’s a real mindf—-.

Many of the men and women I work with have similar beliefs and feelings about their abusive partners and exes. They’ve got it backwards. Even if they intellectually understand they’ve got it backwards, the old beliefs, feelings and fears from childhood persist. They also make similar excuses for the abusive partner or ex that they did for their parents. “She had a rough childhood. She was abused. Her father was an alcoholic. She’s really emotional. It’s my fault for doing . . .”

Again, these types of abusive personalities are nothing special. They are uncannily similar right down to their speech and tone of voice. You have probably constructed a fantasy around this woman that has nothing to do with who she is in reality. The fantasy is just that – a fantasy – and it is part of what is keeping you stuck.

There are bad people in the world. Bad things can happen to good people no matter how nice they are. Smart good people understand this and distance themselves from bad people who will do bad things to them if given the opportunity.

If you had shitty parents, it was not your fault. You were not responsible for the way they treated you. They were the adults and their behavior is on them and only them. The same goes for your abusive partner or ex. The difference is that you now have agency and resources that you didn’t have as a child. You can walk. Yes, even if you share children, you can walk.

Typically, the biggest glitches seem to be fear and confusing giving up on and letting go of the abusive partner/ex with giving up on receiving the love and approval you always wanted from the abusive parent. Giving up and letting go of being able to win over your abusive parent/partner/ex then becomes confused with personal failure and blaming yourself for being “unlovable.”

REALITY CHECK: You can’t get someone to love you who is incapable of love and you can’t “fail” at something that’s impossible to “win” — like turning Rhonda/Ricky Rattlesnake into Betty/Bobby Beagle. Not going to happen no matter how wonderful you are.

You can’t love an abusive personality into treating you well because you are not the reason they abuse others and anyone else who gets close enough to them. Just like Crazy isn’t special, you’re not special either. Crazy does the same dance over and over and over again. The only thing that changes is Crazy’s target du jour. Your love is not going to “save” or “fix” Crazy. And again, is this really about “the love of your life” or not being loved the way you needed to be loved by an equally effed up parent?

Mourning and letting go of the Crazy ex will take discipline and effort. It may seem callous, but you basically need to snap out of it, redirect your thoughts when you start ruminating and reliving your relationship with Crazy, get the hell on with it and start sifting through and grieving the original damage from childhood. In many cases, I believe that those who get stuck on Crazy as an adult, are suffering the effects of reopening narcissistic injuries suffered in childhood.

In a nutshell (pun intended), Crazy rips off the old scabs and grinds salt in your wounds. In this respect, your Crazy ex or partner does serve a useful purpose. If you can connect the dots back to the original damage, stare it down, feel the feelings that arise, and release yourself from the fear of looking at and feeling these things, you (hopefully) won’t have to do this phantom dance with Crazy anymore.

First things first, the next time you catch yourself missing Crazy and wistfully ruminating, “but I love her/him,” I want you to stop, give yourself a mental shake and say, “I don’t love her. I am missing the love I never received as a child” and take it from there . . .

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