Breaking Up with an Abusive Girlfriend or Wife: Staring into the Abyss
“When you look into the abyss, it’s not supposed to wave back…” –Terry Pratchett
This has been a difficult post for me to start, as it involves confronting some of my own demons. That said, it’s time to talk about The Darkness.
After breaking up with the ex, I felt euphoric. The relief I felt washed over me and through me, like a soothing, relaxing wave. I was done with my stay in Hell. I’d survived. I’d made it. The future held nothing but pure potential. I could be or do anything.
Except I couldn’t.
Haunted by the Ghost
I was immobilized by fear. I couldn’t function. I couldn’t remember to eat, sleep or get dressed. I was on heightened alert, constantly waiting for her to show up at the apartment or my workplace, to call me, or to e-mail me, to continue the rages and to continue to try to destroy me. Every night when I walked home from work, I dreaded turning the corner to the street I lived on for fear that I would see her car parked out front. When I did sleep, I was plagued with nightmares. I was a mess.
One thing that helped was to start to Break the Routines, as I’ve written about before. Even with this (and therapy), however, I began to find the despair overwhelming. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t think. Each day was like walking in an ever increasingly blacker fog. Anhedonia and apathy set in.
Every morning, I woke up caring less and less. The shame, the guilt and the fear left over from the relationship coupled with trying to figure out if I was the person she’d led me to believe I was and my inability to sort out just whose mental/emotional/psychological garbage was whose, drove me to consider the unthinkable; suicide. Scratch that. I didn’t consider it. I simply almost did it.
One day, on my way to work, I found myself walking towards the edge of the train platform with no intention to stop. The train was approaching and I didn’t care. I needed it all to end. At the very last second, I realized what I was doing and grabbed a nearby bench and didn’t let go until the train had stopped. I spent the rest of the day shaking.
That night, I realized I needed help. I wasn’t going to let her win. I was already in therapy at this point and I had a discussion with my therapist about my near miss. Truthfully, I don’t recall what she said to me, but with her help, I decided to put in place a few mechanisms to help me not get this close to the abyss ever again.
As with everything I write about, this is what worked for me. This is no substitute for professional help—just some tips from someone who was able to walk away from a very large decision.
- I bookmarked this page: http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/. I read it over and over again. When I needed to be reminded, I’d read it again. While I don’t know how “clinically accurate” it is, the phrase “Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds the resources for coping with pain” resonated very strongly with me. I now understood how/why I was able to dissociate and only barely stop myself from stepping in front of a train.
- 1-800-273-8255. The National Suicide Prevention Hotline (for the U.S.) is now in my cellphone contact list, under “help.” If someone were to gain access to my phone, they wouldn’t need to see who “help” actually is. But I now knew that help was just a phone call away.
- I made up stupid excuses to live. Absurd ones, even. I think the biggest one was, “I need to see how Lost ends.” Okay, Lost is over now. Pick your favorite TV series or series of books. I’m now working on the “List of Every Movie I’ve Ever Wanted to See” and the “List of Every Book I’ve Ever Wanted to Read.” They’re big lists and I’m constantly adding to them. While I’m on the subject, what about that band you’ve always wanted to see live? When’s their next tour? What about that place you’ve always wanted to travel to?
- I deliberately put myself in one of her classic “double-bind” situations. I figured if I committed suicide, she’d win (not to mention use her feigned “grief” as a method for getting more attention and sympathy and/or smear me for abandoning her). If I attempted suicide, but failed, it would just re-confirm her view that I’m unable of accomplishing anything. In this case, it was best not to “try” at all.
Eventually, as I continued my therapy, the feelings diminished considerably. As I regained functionality and realized that it was a long road that stretched out ahead, I became content with the progress from baby steps. Well, more content, anyway. I’m still a little impatient.
There are reasons to live. Yes, the pain is overwhelming at times and it may feel like it has exceeded our capacity to cope with it. We have forgotten who we are and this is a source of deep, agonizing pain, which is incomprehensible to anyone who hasn’t lived through it.
What I’m trying to tell you is to hang on. You can’t let her win. You’re better than that. It’s going to take some work. You’re going to be rebuilding and rediscovering yourself. Take pleasure in the most primal and simple things. Each day, I count how many ducks there are in the pond outside of my office. I say good morning to them. I’m finding that there is simple joy in sharing ideas and getting to know people without any agendas or strings attached.
I still have moments where I think about ending it all. Once you’ve opened that door a crack, it’s hard to close it again. But with patience and perseverance comes perspective. I can’t let her win. And, honestly, I’ve got too many books on my reading list, too many movies in my Netflix queue, too many sunsets to watch. And there’s always the ducks.
Stick around. It might just be worth it.
Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:
Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.
29 Responses to “Breaking Up with an Abusive Girlfriend or Wife: Staring into the Abyss”
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Congratulations, Kev…you made it…check some things out…check out Hoffmanquadrinityprocess.com and also to help you out, start getting into the stuff by the Dalai Lama…fantastic man…knows what life is all about…he has a website with tons of videos…some that last over 2 hours (dalailama.com) and he also has a Facebook Page….cheers
Thank you! I’m doing tremendously better these days, but it’s kinda the elephant in the room, and wanted to address it for people who might be in that place themselves.
I will check out your suggestions when I get home tonight!
cheers,
-Kev.
Thank you, Kev, for having the courage to share this experience here. It’s very difficult for people who have never encountered someone like your ex to wrap their mind around the depth of pain and damage they leave in their wake.
Kind Regards,
Dr Tara
Kev:
Thank you so much! To echo Dr. T, it was a courageous thing for you write about. It’s not easy to open up your heart and soul like that.
It reminds me of one of my ‘stupid’ reasons for not going through with it – my pessimistic attitude. I figured that knowing my luck, I’d end up in a wheelchair or disabled or stuck in a nursing home for the rest of my long, long life. I can laugh about it now, but honestly, that is what kept me from cranking hard on the steering wheel every time I drove across an overpass, bridge and past every lake and river.
It also helped to realize that my children would then be stuck with only him – without me there to ‘balance’ things out (granted, I wasn’t always ‘emotionally healthy’ – hence the marriage to not just one but two abusers)…the girls were a he** of a lot better off emotionally with me than without me.
I tell them sometimes, “You have saved my life more times than you’ll ever know.”
Hi GirlInside…
I’m very glad you’re still with us, as well, and that your children have you.
The joy of “stupid excuses” is that they’re easy to hang on to, and, if you’re in the right frame of mind, can actually make you smile, too. I really did need to see how Lost ended. I’d invested a lot of time into it at that point, and had to see it through.
I know your “knowing my luck” excuse all too well, and it’s a good one.
-K.
A sorry tale indeed. She must have had quite the hold over you to affect you so deeply in such a short time. I was married to an abusive woman for a decade, but she never affected me in such a way. I was euphoric when she left, and have never looked back!
The difference, perhaps, is that I know my self worth. No-one can convince me otherwise. No matter what machinations she wielded against me, she could never crack my teflon-coated suit of armour, and the more desperate and depraved she became in trying to do so, only proved that I was the better person. It was sad, and kind of amusing too, to watch her impotently rail against the impenetrable rock bastion of my indomitable will. Eventually she realised she would never win, and slinked away, tail between her legs.
The most important thing you can do to help yourself, is to believe in yourself.
Hi MM,
100% agreed.
In my situation, my self-esteem has never been particularly great. Coupled with this, I found myself in an academic community that put a major emphasis on self-analysis, and “being understanding of others’ needs” (long story). What I knew was, she was upset with me, therefore I must have inadvertantly done that thing she’d accused me of (stared too long at the waitress, endangered her life by not getting the address for where we were staying, flirted with the other guest at the place we were staying, etc.), because otherwise, I could find no rational explanation for her behavior (now I know there is no rational explanation).
In my efforts to please her, combined with my own self-esteem issues, combined with this mentality of “being understanding of others’ needs” (which I realize I practiced at the sacrifice of my own), plus many of the “brainwashing” techniques that Dr. T outlined on the old blog, I fell prey to a perfect storm. We were together only a short time, compared to many people who visit this site, but the depth of her rages and the affect they had on me were incredibly overpowering.
These days, I’ve vowed “never again.” I am who I am, and I am no longer willing to change or sacrifice that for anyone.
Honestly, these days, most of the stuff she attacked me for is now laughable to me. She never knew me, and never really got to know me, because she was too busy trying to control me. My problem is, I let her, at first to try to make her happy, and finally, just to make everything stop.
Never again.
Glad you got out intact. I don’t think I would have lasted a decade. It just felt like one.
Kev,
What a fantastic, inspiring piece.
JP
Wow, Kev,
That was an intense article! It sounds like you were able to turn things around and get a grip on things.
Both my father and maternal grandfather committed suicide and my mother died of an apparent accidental overdose of pills and alcohol, all before I was 23. It’s not a topic to be taken lightly so I’d like to add a suggestion to your ideas.
Based on my family’s history, there was always something in the back of my mind that made me worry that someday I might develop whatever problems my family had and not be able to recognize them myself. I went so far as to set up criteria that I gave to my wife and told her, if you see these and I don’t respond to you asking about them, take that as a sign of serious trouble. For me, the biggest kicker was if I truly lost my sense of humor for an extended period of time. I told her if she saw that, she should start watching for other possible indicators like giving away possessions, etc.
It only works with someone you’re close to and can really trust but sometimes you may need that extra pair of eyes.
Great article Kev. I am glad you are here to empower us all with your experiences.
It does help to acknowledge the amount of vices that we all went through while still in these relationships. The guilt tripping is a huge factor. In my view the odds they stack against you, over time, is all meant to defeat your capacity to triumph – ESPECIALLY WHEN ITS THE TIME TO LEAVE THE RELATIONSHIP. Remember that these individuals cannot stand abandonment and will then instill a whole lot of fear and doubt on you so that you don’t even contemplate leaving them – I am still trying hard to reverse it all.
Another great article Kevin and just what I needed – that abyss is waving back at me right now – this article helps me remember that “it could be worth it” to “stick around” – thanks!
It is… it is. Sometimes this world can be pretty damn cool.
Honsetly…can’t wait until this house sells…we haven\t spoken for days, yet she phones me up if I can lend her money to put into her Bank Account to cover her Overdraft and then I will get it back in a few days…I told her “No”…she treats me like a dog and then expects me to bow down to her requests…what a Wing-Nut!!
I found that working out, walking, biking or anything psychical helps tremendously. Get on a good work out routine and eat healthy foods. It pays in the long run.
Thanks David for raising this point.
I cannot over-emphasize how much walking (alone) has done for me, simply amazing. I made it a routine to go for a walk – early mornings or afternoons.
Ironically, when my NPD went to see a psychiatrist, for her to deal with the stress “my” issues were causing, her psychiatrist’s suggestion (without ever knowing me, meeting me or talking to me), was that I should take up Squash, to relieve my pent up energy. :rolleyes: My “pent up energy” was a result of my formerly very amorous wife refusing to have sex with me, much less even kiss her on the mouth, for no discernible reason. Squash wasn’t going to help that. Cold showers didn’t, either.
As for exercise, I was running 19 hours/day working and catering to her horse obsession (could anyone honestly argue that handling horses is not physical?) trying to keep her happy. I really didn’t need more physical exertion on top of that.
Having said that, after I left, I started walking/mountain biking around the small city I moved to, just to fill the hours that were formerly filled catering to her. I lost 25 lbs. without even trying, and found that the exercise/fresh air helped a lot with clarity and closure.
Congrats! Keep it up. Me, I’ve lost over 50lbs.
Hang in there. I happens to a lot, if not all, of us. But these are much better times, for the internet is seeing the burgeoning mens movement in various blogs and websites. Sites I have looked for since first getting a computer 3 years ago, but only really seeing a year ago.
I recommend The Spearhead, The Solomon Group, In Mala Fide, Dalrock. This is an interesting time. Even though we are ignored by academia and MSM, most historical shifts in thinking begin in the humblest of places.
And, on that note, I thank Dr Tara for showing a compassionate woman’s voice to our plight.
Hi Lovekraft (one of my favorite authors!),
I’m doing much better these days. Honestly, suicide isn’t really an option at this point. Like I said, too much to read/see/do.
I do read The Spearhead, In Mala Fide, and Dalrock. Haven’t checked out The Solomon Group (but will). Zed the Zenpriest’s writings are also well worth checking out. I also read Misandry Review, False Rape Society, and a few others.
While I don’t agree with everything I read on any of these places, I do find the majority of what I read there at least thought-provoking, which -to me- is a good thing. Stretches the brain, it does.
I’m also grateful to Dr. Tara for her work, her efforts, and her ability to understand that there’s a larger picture, as well as giving me the opportunity to write. My hopes are that one day, a little common sense can be restored, and, in the words of the great philosopher Rodney King, we can all get along.