The Ultimate Relationship Deal-Breaker for Men: False Allegations and Threatening to Call the Police
Has your wife or girlfriend ever threatened to call the police on you as a way to control or intimidate you? Has she ever smirked and said if you don’t do x, y, z that she’ll tell people you beat her and the kids or that you’ve molested the kids? Has she followed through on these threats and then offered to rescind the charges if you agree to do x, y, z? If you answered yes to any of these questions, why, oh why, are you still in the relationship? If these behaviors and threats are not automatic deal-breakers for you, you are in serious danger; a willing lamb being led to the slaughter.
The 411 on your wife’s or girlfriend’s threats to call 911.
There are bad and abusive people in the world. Statistically speaking, odds are that half of the bad people are women and the other half are men. Some men absolutely deserve to have the cops called on them and so do some women. If you’re not violent, abusive nor a sexual predator, then you don’t fall into this category.
Out of all the despicable and abusive behaviors engaged in by high-conflict women (HCPs) or abusive personality-disordered women, making false allegations and threatening to call the police/actually calling the police are some of the most despicable. Unfortunately, our legal system enables these behaviors and rarely punishes women who make false claims and send the police on wild goose chases. Anyone who calls the police under false pretenses should spend the night in jail (at a bare minimum) and be fined for wasting tax dollars. Oh, she was confused and upset and misinterpreted the situation…
Put her in jail for the night, fine her $2000 (not payable by her husband/boyfriend) and let’s see if that helps her accurately assess her circumstances in the future. I would also grant an immediate restraining order to any man who has the police falsely called upon him and have the woman removed from the home until the case goes to court. Stiffer sentences should be applied to women who don’t recant and carry these destructive farces all the way to court.
When a woman threatens to call the police or calls the police to make false allegations against you, she is attempting to rob you of your freedom and to destroy your reputation, your career and your other relationships.
When a woman makes false allegations or threatens to involve the police, it should be an absolute deal-breaker. If she follows through on her threats; it’s a deal-breaker. Even if she doesn’t follow through on her threats; it’s a deal-breaker. Anyone who tries to control, punish or intimidate you in this way is untrustworthy, toxic and dangerous and you should regard her as such. Any other response is folly and you are very likely to regret minimizing, rationalizing, excusing or ignoring these threats in the future.
You must neither take these behaviors lightly nor excuse them. Most police arrest men in these situations—no questions asked and without any proof. In fact, many men are hauled off to jail even when they have visibly sustained cuts and bruises from being attacked by their wives and there’s not a scratch on the wives. If your wife or girlfriend is threatening to do this to you or has already done it, you need to snap out of it and start working on your exit strategy now.
Why do some women do this?
There are a variety of reasons some women make false allegations and unfounded 911 calls. Here are some of the most common ones:
1. The girl who cried wolf. She wants your attention and/or attention from others. Calling the cops and making false allegations instantly puts her into the poor victim role and gets her lots of attention, sympathy and support. If she doesn’t confess it’s all a lie or drop the charges and takes the case to court, she gets even more attention and support. This also helps her immensely in any smear campaign she’s conducting against you.
2. Control. Many women make these threats when their tried and true control devices are no longer working for them. For example, if you’re setting boundaries and disengaging from her conflict and chaos, this is often when this kind of woman will threaten to call the police—it’s a desperate escalation to retain control. Or, if you have begun to stand up for yourself and are holding her accountable, she might call the cops to flex her muscles and rein you back in.
3. Punishment. The police are frequently invoked by this kind of woman when she’s angry about something you’ve done or haven’t done as a form of punishment. If he thinks he’s going to go out with his friends tonight and ignore me, I’ll show him. Break up with me? Try this on for size, mister. Some of these women may even make up allegations that have nothing to do with you harming them. They make up other random accusations, like you’re planning to rob a bank, are stealing money from work, have damaged her property or that you’re a terrorist. Spin, Random Accusation Wheel, spin.
4. To gain an advantage in divorce and custody proceedings. It’s fairly common knowledge that if a woman wants to gain the upper hand in a divorce or custody dispute, all she has to do is make up stories about abuse and/or being afraid. The police will remove a man from his home and the courts will issue an emergency restraining order, most often without any evidence. They simply take a woman at her word. Evidence? Shmevidence.
I think this is a terrifying and an outrageous miscarriage of justice. Even more obscene is that negative advocate attorneys will actually encourage their female clients to lie. If it can be proven that an attorney is engaging in this practice, I think she or he should be disbarred. The woman in question should be prosecuted and do the same amount of time for the crime(s) of which she accuses her husband. Making false allegations to gain the upper hand in a divorce is contemptible.
5. They believe their own lies distortions. Many abusive women, particularly if they’re high-conflict and/or personality disordered, believe their own lies as soon as they spring from their mouths. Worse yet, they’re often highly persuasive because of the intense emotions that accompany their lies and can usually convince others of their dubious “victim-hood”—at least initially. Here’s how the distortion-lie mechanism may work in their brains:
- Questioning her about something. This could be a credit card bill, why the kids haven’t been fed or bathed, why she’s been staying out so late, why she keeps calling and hanging up, asking if she wants you to pick up milk on your way home from work, holding her accountable or breaking up with her. She becomes angered by your questions or being busted and, in her mind, this is a criminally punishable offense. How dare you question or criticize her?
- She interprets any of these stimuli as a life threatening or psychologically threatening event. Therefore, you must be abusing her and she’s in danger or she wants to “teach you a lesson.” I would argue that if she’s trying to “teach you a lesson” for angering or questioning her, she knows she’s not really in danger and is just being malicious because the law enables her to be.
I suspect some of these women know they’re lying at the moment of the lie’s inception. I think they begin to believe their own lies the more they tell them. Perhaps one of the reasons they’re so persuasive and convincing is that they’re also trying to convince themselves that their stories are true.
Do not kid yourself. Threatening to call the police under false pretenses is a relationship deal-breaker.
This is the mother of all relationship red flags. False allegations of abuse and threats to call the police are a form of extreme abuse unto themselves. These behaviors typically indicate that you’re involved with a woman who is:
- a) an unstable, radioactive isotope
- b) malicious and manipulative
- c) immoral and unethical
- d) all of the above.
Once the police and the courts are involved in your life it can cause an array of extremely unpleasant consequences. If you don’t have children, the best thing you can do is to break it off once this happens and end the relationship. Within the next couple days, I will post the second half of this article, which will discuss what you should do if you find yourself in this situation.
Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:
Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.
23 Responses to “The Ultimate Relationship Deal-Breaker for Men: False Allegations and Threatening to Call the Police”
Comments
Read below or add a comment...
Follow Shrink4men
Where in the World
Subscribe to Comments
Affiliate
I wish I had seen this website and this article 5 years ago when my ex-partner did this for the first time. After an argument I went to the spare bed saying we’d talk about it in the morning. She came in, turned the light on and insisted I get up and continue being shouted at until she won. When I said no she threatened to call the police. When I said she couldn’t because I was in bed trying to sleep she said “you’ll see what I can do” – those words haunted me for years. She went downstairs and changed her manner from abusive and angry to a poor victim and called the police saying she was being abused. They came out but luckily didn’t take any action as I was calm and explained the situation. Why did I stay? Two young children made me stay and try and work out what was going on with her. But I paid the price, and last year she used the police again when in a rage and that was it for me.
Recently, with Christmas coming on, I’ve been missing my stepkids and, honestly, my NPD. I’ve been gaslighting myself with thoughts that it wasn’t as bad as I remember it, I should have been stronger, she really did love me, etc., etc.
She only called the police on me once, and it was the deal-breaker. I’m an avid gun-owner, shooter and hunter, and ANY sort of domestic abuse allegations would spell the end of my hobby, not to mention my employment (I work in law-enforcement, though I’m not a cop). The cop who responded to her call phoned me and told me that she felt “threatened” by an e-mail I’d sent her in response to her repeated calls to me in the middle of the night, usually when she was drunk or stoned on 3 times the prescribed dosage of her sleeping pills (she believed that dosage directions were merely “suggestions”). He’d seen the e-mail and knew there was nothing to her complaint. But his clear instructions to me were to “severe all ties”. I didn’t need to be told twice.
This article gave me a HUGE reality check. Sometimes it’s necessary to get whacked upside the head to instill some clarity. Thanks, Dr. T.
“Oh, she was confused and upset and misinterpreted the situation…” Once the damage has been done, the spin always starts.
If the average police are brought in, you’re chances of surviving the situation are grim, at best. I, fortunately, was out of my relationship when she made false allegations for stalking and other claims. If you deal directly with a detective or criminal investigator, it can (I stress “can”) work to your advantage. They are trained for this sort of thing and “have seen it all”. They know when people are lying. For me, it became an empowering occurrence. For the first time, in the whole period, I was able to tell my side of things.
Ironically, I spoke to a guy who had the same thing done to him and the very detective, that dealt with his claims by a woman, was the same guy who spoke with me. They deal with this all the time. But always take precautions and be safe (looking forward to the second half of this article). Never underestimate the influence of these personality types. BPDs have been known to make relationships with police, judges and lawyers to “have at their disposal” when things go south.
I would be very interested in knowing the ratio of restraining orders against woman as to men. I’ve looked but can’t find it. It might just raise some eyebrows. It’s definitely better than it was ten years ago or so.
And, no matter what people say, they KNOW what they are doing when they do these things.
I currently have a protective order against the mother of my three boys for obvious reasons (substance abuse agitating a mental illness and physical assaults). In domestic cases, the woman has to have noticably and documented problems in order for the courts to side with the men. My ex wife only had as best as I can describe a manic-depressive disorder resulting from early childhood paternal rejection and later in adult-hood financial abuse from a married man she dated.
The False Rape Society http://falserapesociety.blogspot.com is the best resources I have found on this topic.
These types of false accusations made by women against men also happen in non-intimate, professional relationships and in cases where men are a minority in a given profession such as males who are nurses, massage therapists, teachers, etc.
I must admit that I have had this happen to me more times than I literally can remember in 18 years. Upon the first call to 911, two older officers realized the situation, but a younger officer showed up and said to me, “You’ll be wondering what her and I are doing when I have your a** in jail won’t you?”
All it took was a second call, even though she had gouged my face with her long nails and I was bleeding, I went to jail for the, (as ashamed as I am), FIRST TIME.
When I got out of jail she begged and pleaded for me to forgive her and not to leave/divorce…(Everytime!) It is all such a long story, but I am so thankful that I found Dr. T, and that after 18 years of rollercoaster-riding and nonsensical madness, I finally broke out of the brain-washing prison camp. I have been NC since February and divorced in September. It is truly a place I will not allow myself to be ever again, not just jail, but a relationship like that! I thank you so, so much Dr. Tara! Gentlemen, BELIEVE THIS ARTICLE!
It is also interesting to note how Cluster B’s will manipulate a situation where they believe there is a possibility that you will call 911 on them. Below are a couple of excerpts from a log I kept.
“17 Aug 2001. (Background: we still hadn’t put away all our stuff from our move last November. Our dining room was storage for several partially unpacked boxes.) While I was kneeling on the floor picking up the kids’ toys, (NPDw) came in holding (D2). We began to argue about why I haven’t contributed more to putting the house in order. She gestured to a large rolled-up strand of Christmas lights and asked me, how hard would it be to put those away? I didn’t have a good answer, except that the daily household chores take precedence. She picked up the roll of lights and hit me about a half-dozen times across the back and neck. Throughout, (NPDw) held (D2) in her other arm. (D2) was bawling and saying, “Dada! Dada!” After (NPDw) stopped, she said to me, “If I have to go to jail, when I get out, I will kill you. I will stab you in the chest until your are dead. Do you understand that?” I said yes, but why would you go to jail? She said that I had welts on my neck. I raised my hand up to feel, and sure enough, there were several good-sized welts on my neck. I think this was the same outburst where she took some of my shirts, put them in the kitchen sink, and poured bleach over them. Later the next day, I vacuumed up tiny bits of glass that had broken off the strand of lights.”
“2 Sep 2001. That night, she went at me verbally. Let me paraphrase the most disturbing part: ‘If we split and you get custody of the kids, I will find you and kill you. No — better yet, I will kill your mother. Even if I am in jail, I will arrange it from the inside. It is not that hard to arrange a hit. What do you think of that? Huh? Huh? Why don’t you go tell (the pastor that married us) that?’ She is saying all this with her face a few inches from mine, like a scene from a bad Hollywood script. I told her I thought she needed help, seeing as she is threatening to kill people.”
It’s all about reaction, attention and control for them. In many ways, they are looking to put people in situations that they will have to react to. They want to be abused back or have someone “ruin their life”. This approves and justifies their behavior through “victimization” and is another beautiful way to get attention from others.
Logging is a great way to deal and helps you in future situations.
“This approves and justifies their behavior through “victimization” and is another beautiful way to get attention from others.”
After 3.5 years of rejecting me, my NPD was going steady with someone 4 months after I left. The guy was even staying at her parent’s house when he travelled to Calgary!!!
On her dating profile (the same site I had gone on, coincidentally – yeah, right, coincidentally), she suggested that she’d been in an abusive relationship. She told me straight out that she was telling every guy who contacted her how abusive I was.
I figure this served several purposes. Firstly, it was designed to further trash me and my reputation (though none of the guys would know me).
Secondly, it would weed out the guys who wouldn’t be the type who she could manipulate and control. A “normal” guy would probably run from a relationship with a woman who had past “issues”.
Thirdly, it would probably attract the guys she could manipulate and control. The Knight in Shining Armor who is going to rescue this poor, abused woman from her terrible ex-husband. She’d have half her work done for her.
My NPD threatened to call the cops on me last weekend because “I kept looking at her the wrong way”….
We recently got an emergency order of protection against my husband’s BPD-ex. She and her friends created quite a stir at a basketball game loudly refusing to return one of their children to my husband who has residential custody after my husband had sent him to say hi and then return. Her friends were yelling at my husband, saying that he was a “batterer,” etc. Other people in the crowd got involved. They even followed us out and made another scene because BPD-ex felt she had the “right” to say goodbye to an extremely upset young child. I guess she thought that “right” trumped the fact that she was exposing her young son to another big scene in which people were yelling that we couldn’t take him. Anyway, we went and got the order. The next week, one of the ex’s friends saw my husband at basketball practice and (we think) sent her 12 year old daughter over to sit alone with him and my young stepson (to “talk” with the stepson). My husband felt that this put him in an extremely vulnerable position and as this girl had been part of the crowd yelling at us, he went over and quietly told the “friend” that she knew there was an order and she was pushing the limits of it and to keep her children away from us. (He did this quietly in order to not make a scene). This “friend” ended up questioning him as he walked away, (“what order?” “Who are you?” “I don’t know what you are talking about!”). She then proceeded to call the police and file a complaint against my husband for disorderly conduct. The policeman told her that she must not know all of the details because judges don’t give protection orders out without cause and that my husband had the right to say what he did. Nothing has come of it so far, but it makes me so mad that my husband would have to deal with a false allegation. Apparently this hasn’t been the first time the police have knocked on his door. His ex has called the police several times claiming he was abusing her just after she had been violent with him… It does help that she confessed her violence and my husband’s non-violence to the marriage counselors they had seen before the divorce and it is now in court records… Hoping the judge will make this order of protection last longer…
Great advice. A threat to call the cops means that she’s thinking about throwing you out and disposing of you. It’s a power trip, she’s the boss and she knows it.
Write a journal, contact a lawyer, carry a recording device and avoid heated arguments. If she gets physical…leave and/or get witnesses.
The biggest problem I’ve found about men is that they are not as willing to give up on their marriage and be proactive about saving their ass.
Very true in my case about being patient w/ the strategical mother of my daughter. But once those annulment papers were processed, I signed them and walked away from the scam of her and the family court judge that supported her manipulations.
I can not overstate the importance of bringing a taping device into court if u need to protect yourself against a bias judge. One instance the judge, a stranger standing next to me, a male stenography during an ex-parte hearing began what I thought was a petition hearing (and one female in the distance). After serveral words the judge asked me if I had anything to say. Cautious as usual I looked to my right at the stranger who was staring nevously straight ahead, then at that moment of silence I could hear my tape in my recorder start to squeak. I began to sweat and my eyes began to water at my possible exposure. Nevously I looked at the stenography as he slowly and nearly undetectibly shook his head as to notify me of a trap. Now I’m doubly nervous at my dilemma and I state “I am here for the love and concern for my daughter”. With that the hearing was ended and I walked out without being detered. One of many of my difficulties with that judge.