She’s the Crazy One, Why do I Need Therapy?!: Recovering from a Relationship with an Abusive Woman
This was one of the bigger questions I faced, after things ended with my ex. Admitting to myself that I needed therapy was akin to admitting guilt to all of the things I had been accused of. It felt like I was surrendering and agreeing that she was right – that it was all my fault. My ex, in the meantime, seemed to be skipping merrily along, looking for her next boyfriend. She seemed to be dealing with things okay. She must’ve been right. It must have been all me.
Nothing could be further from the truth. THIS is why you need therapy.
I’d originally started therapy while she and I were together. She’d been nagging me about it for a couple of months. She wanted me to stop “sabotaging our relationship” by deliberately doing things to anger her (such as spending too much time in the bathroom or not enough time washing my hands or opening the door for her or buying a book or countless other infractions). By doing all of these things, I was “rebelling against her” (her words) and it needed to stop if the relationship was to be saved. Naturally, I wanted things to be like they used to be at the beginning, when I could do no wrong. Obviously there was something inside of me that was driving me to rebel against her.
Finally, after a particularly egregious rage episode against me, coupled with another incident that I’ll write about momentarily, I sought help. I was doing it for us. I was doing it to save the relationship (she was fond of telling me I “needed to fight for the relationship or die trying”). And these were all the wrong reasons, as I soon figured out.
The first time I sat down in my therapist’s office, I completely lost it. I literally did not know where to begin. I remember a non-stop flood of tears. I was a wreck. The rage episode I mentioned above was the one where my ex finally broke me. I had literally heard a *snap* sound in my mind, as she finally convinced me of the truth of all of her accusations. She finally convinced me that I had done all of the things she had accused me of, but since I didn’t remember doing them, I was the mentally ill one. It was obvious to her that I had multiple personalities and that they were out to get her. Additionally, she had recently informed me that a friend of hers had raped her during a camping trip the day after I’d proposed to her. At this point, as much as I am loath to say it, I have my doubts that the rape actually happened.
My therapist listened patiently as I explained all of my sins and how I needed to find a way to stop rebelling against my ex. She listened as I told her how horrible I was. She listened.
Even though I was rote-repeating everything my ex had told me about myself, she listened, and did not pass judgment. As I began to explain things and defend my ex rather than myself, I began to notice something: even if what I was saying was wrong, somebody was actually listening to me and allowing me to speak. This, in itself was huge.
My therapist didn’t take sides, until she knew I was ready for her to take mine. When things finally ended between me and my ex, she told me what I already knew deep down inside: it wasn’t my fault. I was not the person I’d been convinced I was and that my ex had some serious, serious issues. We talked about Borderline Personality Disorder and though she wouldn’t diagnose my ex, she agreed with me that it sounded like things definitely leaned in that direction. And this is where the real work began in my therapy sessions and why, like it or not, if you’ve been through this sort of relationship, YOU need therapy, too.
This does not diminish your ex’s problems. Your ex most definitely has problems and needs her own help. You need to come to terms with the fact that she’s never going to acknowledge this nor will she seek out this help – most likely, ever.
The problem is, she has infected your mind to such an extent that figuring out who you were and who you are versus who she led you to believe you were is no longer easy.
Some of the literature I’ve read online about coming out of these relationships refers to the phenomenon of “fleas” – as in “if you lie down with dogs…” If you come out of a relationship with someone who has BPD, there will be remnants in your psyche that need to be dealt with. My own personal metaphor was a bit worse than fleas – I likened it to having slept naked in a bed of raw fiberglass and picking out the seemingly endless supply of shards.
This will be a long and painful process.
I’m not going to lie to you about that.
Ultimately, though, you can handle it. And you will find it easier with time and well worth the effort you put into it.
Over the course of time, therapy has helped me not only rediscover who I was (and what made me susceptible to this sort of relationship), but helped me find who I am now.
My weekly 50 minutes were like a safe-zone where I could take a time-out from the world around me and explore things in a manner that was non-judgmental and allowed me to be who I needed to be in the moment. Honestly? At one point, I literally, physically beat the hell out of the couch, even though I’m not a physically violent person. Yes, it helped.
Admitting you need help is difficult and perhaps even more difficult for men (there’s a reason people say we don’t ask for directions). In this instance, though, you are lost. You do need help. You need to ask for directions. It doesn’t make you less of a man. There is a lot of detritus in your head that isn’t yours and you need help sorting out what belongs to whom.
Your ex may will never take responsibility for what she has done to you. But you can take responsibility for how your life unfolds from this moment onward. A good therapist can help you with all of these things. You may not find the perfect therapist at first. Keep looking. Whether you decide to avail yourself of Dr. T’s services [full disclaimer: I have not, other than by being a reader and contributor to this site] or those of someone else, find someone compassionate and willing to listen and help you. They are there to advocate for you, to you.
I wish I could say there’s a set time-limit on therapy. I wish there was an equation of 1 year of relationship with a Cluster B = 1 year of therapy. Each of us are different and each of us have our own resilience.
You can bounce back and you can have a life again. A good therapist will help you and support you in that goal.
My ex eventually decided that she didn’t like the thought of me going to therapy, as I was “turning it into something all about me” instead of focusing on why I was rebelling against her. She probably also became afraid that my therapist would figure out the truth (or help me figure out the truth) about what was really going on in the relationship.
Therapy is about you. It’s supposed to be.
And it’s about rediscovering yourself and making sure that relationships like these never happen to you again.
This is not defeat. This is about living well.
And if you need to couch it in these terms, as George Herbert said, “Living well is the best revenge.”
Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:
Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.
40 Responses to “She’s the Crazy One, Why do I Need Therapy?!: Recovering from a Relationship with an Abusive Woman”
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I went through this as well. My ex insisted I needed anger management therapy and I finally went to a psychiatrist for a full assessment. When it was complete, he simply looked at me and said “You don’t need anger management therapy, you need marital therapy.”
Prior to this, I’d also gone to see a counsellor. The reason I went was “because I love my wife, and I want to learn to accept the change in her so that I can save my marriage.” Even though I recognized that she was the one who had changed so drastically, I loved her so much I was willing to undergo therapy in order to change myself into someone she could love. Weird, eh? The counsellor told me that I couldn’t fix my marriage by myself, but by that point my ex refused to attend counselling with me.
I even went to a psychotherapist after I’d seen the psychiatrist, but stopped going to him because he wouldn’t help me change, he wanted to help me leave. Weird, revisited.
I also started going to Al-Anon, to learn to deal with her drinking, as well as the effects of my father’s alcoholism. This actually helped me a lot, so much so that after 3 months she noticed the difference and gave me an ultimatum that I either had to quit, or she’d leave me. Of course, I quit. But after I finally left her, I returned to Al-Anon, and it has helped me immensely.
During the most trying times after I left her (when I missed her and really, really wanted to get back with her), I did avail myself of my Employee Assistance Program, but found that usually after speaking to a counsellor on the phone, or having one or two face-to-face sessions, I was able to re-adjust my bearings and get my head on straight. YMMV.
Superb piece Kev. Thanks for that
Kev,
I’ve been journaling myself quite a lot as of late. And I wrote the same thing a couple of weeks back. What it can do is get you to think about YOU. Why did you let this happen. If you allowed this, there is something that you need to address. The person with the disorder will not, more than likely, ever take responsibility for their condition or actions. You can’t change them. You can only change you. Therapy is helping me see things clearly. You are terrified to tell friends and family that “you are in therapy”. A majority, you find out, have been there as well. There is no shame in it.
I’m very careful not to be resentful but you do come to realize that you are going to improve your life and the person with the disorder will still be blaming, screaming, lying and leading a very low quality of living for years (if not all of their remaining years) to come. And you feel for anyone who becomes their next target.
One thing I would like to add, I’ve read about (and was guilty myself) of making the mistake that thinking “this person raised a level of emotion in me like never before”. That’s malarkey. YOU raised that level emotion in you. It’s yours and you can do it again…with a healthy partner. Don’t give them credit for your passion and ability to feel.
They were attracted to you because of all the wonderful things you have. They need you (and people like you), you don’t need them.
“Why did you let this happen. If you allowed this, there is something that you need to address.”
-PRECISELY. This is something that I’ve been working on for some time. I have vowed, “never again.” I’ve come to the realization that I’ve always been a pleaser, and too accomodating. I’ve been building stronger boundaries, and the results are amazing. The word “no” can be wonderfully empowering, when used correctly.
“the person with the disorder will still be blaming, screaming, lying and leading a very low quality of living for years (if not all of their remaining years) to come.”
-This, too, was an epiphany I had at one point in therapy. As I said to my therapist, “I may have spent my time with her in Hell, but it is ultimately her Hell, and not mine. She is still there, and will remain there. I have left it behind, and don’t need to participate in it anymore.”
I’m glad to hear things are working out for you… Keep up the good work!
Ah yes, the lightbulb moment in the therapists office…
I think its something we all have gone through. Mine is very similar to yours.
I used to tell friends and family “something seems off with her. I cant really explain it or put my finger on it. Its a undercurrent of hostility. Shes gets snide and nasty at the drop of a hat, over things most people wouldnt give a second thought to. Like she’s hypersensative and paranoid. She’ll take some neutral comment or something and get offended and hide in the bathroom for hours and cry. Its like living in Bizarro world.” (before I knew of BPD)
After 6+ months of being blamed for everything, being raged at, having my words twisted and just insane fights over just mundane things – i.e. I accidentally skipped her turn in a board game. She went banannas and screamed that i did it on purpose and raged for hours – I went to a therapist. I told her I was just losing it. I couldnt do anything right and the woman that once saw me as the knight in shining armor and used to just gush with emotion of how wonderful I am and how lucky she is to have me, now fights with me over everything. She gets wound up and gets so snide and nasty and venomous it just doesnt fit the crime I committed. It was like a switch went off and the sweet, angelic woman I fell in love with has become this evil person that is upset about everything and takes it as a personal attack on her.
I thought if I could just stop doing things to piss her off everything would go back to what it was. If I could just act right, if I could just anticipate what would set her off and NOT do it we would be back ok again. If I could stop being insensative as she said, if I could stop being passive aggressive (which I never HAVE been, that was HER perception because of her paranoia. If I left the toilet seat up it was because I was mad at her about something and trying to get back at her)
We continued talking and thats when the therapist told me about BPD. It was definately a lightbulb moment. The more she told me about it and the behaviors the mroe it fit. The patterns, the rages, everything. I read volumes on it. I joined several message boards and the light bulb just got brighter and brighter.
I tried for another 18 months or so to make it work, even going through with the wedding we had planned. I finally cracked October last year. After all the time and trying to make it work and all the special memories of special things she had given me, cards and such. Items I held dear, its what kept the love alive in my heart. In what would be our last fight (over who looks at the mail first) she told me ‘I didnt really mean all those sweet things, its just what youre supposed to say in relationships.’
Thats when I heard the crack. It never was to her what it was to me. It was all just an illusion and I was just the entertainment.
I went to therapy for a few months after that. Im not sure if it really helped or not, but I know im 100% better than where I was last year.
anonnew2bp -
“I finally cracked October last year. After all the time and trying to make it work and all the special memories of special things she had given me, cards and such. Items I held dear, its what kept the love alive in my heart. In what would be our last fight (over who looks at the mail first) she told me ‘I didnt really mean all those sweet things, its just what youre supposed to say in relationships.’
Thats when I heard the crack. It never was to her what it was to me. It was all just an illusion and I was just the entertainment.”
When I read that part, my heart broke for you. I could actually feel it sinking in my chest. It was like I was hearing someone say that to me at that moment while I was reading it, that’s how much it affected me. Not only was what she said incredibly cruel, but here you were putting all this effort into this relationship and the one thing that sustained your efforts (the special memories) was not even real – at least not from her end. I’m so sorry you went through that. All I can hope is that you came out stronger and better, and now you are smarter and wiser and hopefully haven’t given up on love. xo
Hi Irishgirl,
Believe me, thats only one of the cruel things. Ive got quite a list. I try not to dwell on them much anymore, but they were pretty outrageous. Take a look at my blog if youre interested, my screen name links to it.
I havent decided yet if ive given up on love. Its something ive been thinking about pretty heavily during the holidays. I just recently turned 39, im now twice divorced, 39, no kids, and I really dont know if I ever want another relationship at this point. The thought of starting all over makes my stomach churn right now. Ive lost a great deal of faith in humanity and in the female gender. I wouldnt say ive given up, Im not a giving up kind of person. I like to think of it as just on a break for an undetermined amount of time. I dont know if I will ever take someone at face value with the sweet, syrupy, romantic things. Im a little jaded yes, and maybe that will pass with more time, but for right now if I were to hear those things from anyone Id have a hard time believing them.
Id have to say though the biggest thing that helped me break free was the online support groups and blogs like this. I have to wonder how many people suffer in silence, they KNOW something isnt right with their spouse, but they cant put their finger on it. If it werent for the support groups and websites I would have had no where to gauge the irratic behaviors. I would have had no where to bounce stories off people and ask ‘Is this normal?’ Its really easy to lose ‘normal’ in these relationships.
Id also say that going through this has helped me in some ways. I can spot crazy from a mile away now.
Great article, Kevin….I have been told by her the house has been sold becuase according to our Real Estate Agent, if we don’t hear any thing, then the Condition upon Financing has gone through, so I haven’t heard anything…great service from our Real Estate Agent she picked to let us know personally from himself. Anyways, she told me tonite that she will be moving in with her mother because she cannot afford anything with all of the debts she has. I told her, “Well…isn’t Karma a bitch? The 3 times you threw me out, you kept saying, “Awww, what’s the matter? You going to move in with your Mommy? It felt so good to say that back to her after all these years…I knew this day was going to come and I was waiting for it…..
“She wanted me to stop “sabotaging our relationship”…”
Boy, did I hear that a few times.
I went into therapy because of my angry reaction at my bro & SIL when they tried to meddle in my civil, but distant relationship with my mother. I’d gone limited contact and they thought we should be closer. I thought I had an anger management problem. While I do have some “fleas” from having grown up with a PDed parent, my therapist helped me see the problem was I was being scapegoated. While researching scapegoating, I found out about Personality Disorders and it all made sense!
I’ve been with my current therapist for about a year and a half now and I’m making a lot of progress.
Whose your therapist?
Don’t answer if it gives away identity.
Hi D…
I’m on the west coat of the U.S., so I don’t know if that helps you out, or not.
If you want to e-mail me at kev AT shrink4men DOT com, I can let you know, if it’s geographically feasible for you.
Phoned the Real Estate Agent this morning and he told me the Condition on Financing is still on so the house isn’t sold…I guess she wanted to ruin my night…
they have a way of doing that, don’t they?
I hope it all gets sorted out easily and quickly.