Presto, Change-o, DARVO: Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender
Have you ever marveled at how your abusive wife, girlfriend or ex is able to do and say the most hurtful, underhanded and contemptible things and then portray herself as the innocent victim? Have you ever wondered how she is able to convincingly accuse others, usually her victims, of the abusive behaviors and attitudes of which she is actually guilty? Wonder no more, the answer may be DARVO.
Dr Jennifer J. Freyd, PhD of the University of Oregon identified DARVO in the 1990s at the tail end of the repressed sexual abuse memories hysteria. In spite of its dubious origins, DARVO is a helpful concept with broader applications than Dr Freyd seems to have originally intended. Freyd writes about DARVO in conjunction with her work on betrayal trauma, which I discuss on the original Shrink4Men blog. According to Dr Freyd’s webpage:
“DARVO refers to a reaction that perpetrators of wrong doing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behavior. The perpetrator or offender may Deny the behavior, Attack the individual doing the confronting, and Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender such that the perpetrator assumes the victim role and turns the true victim into an alleged offender. This occurs, for instance, when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of “falsely accused” and attacks the accuser’s credibility or even blames the accuser of being the perpetrator of a false accusation.”
DARVO seems to be a combination of projection, denial, lying, blame shifting and gaslighting. Dr Freyd notes that other observers have identified the same phenomena using different terms. My male clients experience this behavior when they try to hold the abusive women in their lives accountable. It also seems to be common behavior in most predators, bullies, high-conflict individuals and/or abusive personality-disordered individuals. DARVO especially seems to occur in high-conflict divorce and/or custody cases.
Of course, not everyone who denies wrong doing is engaging in DARVO. Many partners and exes of abusive women are accused of things they didn’t do or of things that never happened. Naturally, when this happens, you deny the accusation and perhaps feel a little (or a lot) bewildered. How do you know if an individual’s denial is the truth or an instance of DARVO? Freyd (1997, pp. 23-24) proposes:
“It is important to distinguish types of denial, for an innocent person will probably deny a false accusation. Thus denial is not evidence of guilt. However, I propose that a certain kind of indignant self-righteousness, and overly stated denial, may in fact relate to guilt.
I hypothesize that if an accusation is true, and the accused person is abusive, the denial is more indignant, self-righteous and manipulative, as compared with denial in other cases. Similarly, I have observed that actual abusers threaten, bully and make a nightmare for anyone who holds them accountable or asks them to change their abusive behavior. This attack, intended to chill and terrify, typically includes threats of lawsuits, overt and covert attacks, on the whistle-blower’s credibility and so on.
The attack will often take the form of focusing on ridiculing the person who attempts to hold the offender accountable. The attack will also likely focus on ad hominem instead of intellectual/evidential issues. Finally, I propose that the offender rapidly creates the impression that the abuser is the wronged one, while the victim or concerned observer is the offender. Figure and ground are completely reversed. The more the offender is held accountable, the more wronged the offender claims to be.”
This is similar to how William Eddy, LCSW, Esq describes the persuasive blaming tactics of high-conflict individuals.“Persuasive Blamers persuade others that their internal problems are external, caused by something else or someone else. Once others are persuaded to get the problem backward, the dispute escalates into a long-term, high-conflict situation. One that few people other than persuasive blamers can tolerate” (Eddy, 2006, p. 29). Getting the problem backward is precisely what happens when DARVO occurs. Figure and ground are completely reversed.
“It’s only the Persuasive Blamers of Cluster B who keep high-conflict disputes going. They are persuasive, and to keep the focus off their own behavior (the major source of the problem), they get others to join in the blaming” (Eddy, 2006, p. 30). This is why many Narcissists, Borderlines, Histrionics and Antisocials effectively employ smear campaign and mobbing tactics when they target someone—be it a spouse, attorney, court evaluator or therapist. By blaming others for everything that’s wrong in their lives they keep the focus off the real problem; themselves. This seems to be the exact denial-attack-reverse victim and offender behavior Freyd describes.
Freyd (1997, pp. 23-24) states:
“The offender is on the offense and the person attempting to hold the offender accountable is on the defense. ‘Deny, Attack and Reverse Victim and Offender’ work best together. How can someone be on the attack so viciously and be in the victim role? Future research may investigate the hypothesis that the offender rapidly goes back and forth between attack and reverse victim and offender.”
This behavior is crazy-making if you are the target of it. You know you’re being attacked while your partner/ex plays the victim role for all she’s worth, insisting on her distorted version of un-reality. Worse yet, many people believe her; their reasoning being, “She’s so upset it must be true.” Even some of my male clients who know their wives’accusations and lies aren’t true, sometimes doubt themselves and what they know to be reality. I believe that many women and men who engage in DARVO come to believe their own lies after they repeat them enough times. I call it the “O.J. Simpson Effect.”
Abusers typically employ different types of denial. Perhaps you’re familiar with some of the following ones:
- Outright denial or gaslighting. “That never happened.”
- Minimization. “It wasn’t that bad.”
- Amnesia. “I don’t remember doing that.”
- Redefinition. “I have a bad temper, so you shouldn’t upset me.”
- Projection. “You’re abusive and controlling. You hurt me.”
- Conversion. “I did wrong, but I’m a changed person and won’t do it again.”
Freyd (1997, pp. 23-24) concludes:
“The offender takes advantage of the confusion we have in our culture over the relationship between public provability and reality (and a legal system that has a certain history in this regard) in redefining reality. Future research may test the hypothesis that the offender may well come to believe in [her] innocence via this logic: if no one can be sure [she] is guilty then logically [she] is not guilty no matter what really occurred. The reality is thus defined by public proof, not by personal lived experience.”
It may be difficult to sort out who is telling the truth in these cases. However, I’ve found that high-conflict individuals who engage in this behavior often can’t substantiate their claims or, if they just make up more lies to try to substantiate their claims, they’re inconsistent over time, so pay close attention and document their lies. This may help you hang her with a rope of her own making, if and when you need to prove your version of events as opposed to her ever evolving versions of the truth.
If she is threatening to call the police and make false allegations against you and/or you’re considering divorce, it’s extremely important that you document the abuse you’re experiencing in a journal, a digital recorder or some other medium. Abusive, persuasive blamers rely on the force of their emotions to sell their lies, half-truths and distortions. Since most people are suckers for drama, especially in the form of a tearful, self-righteous woman, you’ll need proof if you want to be believed. Think of it as making yourself DARVO-proof.
Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:
Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.
References:
Eddy, W. (2006) SPLITTING: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist.
Freyd, J.J. (1997) Violations of power, adaptive blindness, and betrayal trauma theory. Feminism & Psychology, 7, 22-32.
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51 Responses to “Presto, Change-o, DARVO: Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender”
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Another great article! Have you ever thought of setting up a lecture series that you could give at places like Law Enforcement Conferences, etc.? You could call it something “Sorting through High Conflict Domestic Situations, Making Sure the Real Abuser is Identified.” Give a similar kind of presentation to divorce attorneys and trial lawyers. You could make a buck and target a specific audience who are positions to directly affect peoples’ lives. I think you could do really well in this area and the timing seems pretty good.
This is the kind of material that belongs in places like law schools and criminal justice curricula.
I second that, Mellaril. Another terrific analysis Dr. T!
And not just in law schools, but taught also to men in high schools and universities too and all other professions where there are more men (armed forces, engineering etc.) since these men do not come across a large cross-section of women they are often naive about not knowing that not all girls are the same, and lack the tools of deciphering the bad apples from the good. (to develop an x-ray vision to see the poisonous-worm in the apple BEFORE he takes a bite.)
Can you believe how much time, love, patience, energy, money and mental peace could have been conserved if these facts and knowledge had been made available before in our society?? (Perhaps that’s why the mainstream institutes never talk openly of this. I often say that the whole world is self-immolating in an orgy of ‘political correctness’. It seems easier to lynch truth-tellers than bring justice to cunning manipulators.)
Thanks, doc, for another great piece.
Hi Mellaril,
Thanks, I appreciate the positive feedback. I’ve never considered doing a lecture series. It’s a good suggestion. However, it might put the horse before the cart. I think I would need a book first and some guidance as I’ve no idea how to assemble something like that.
If you do ever write a book,it will be a reference book for sure.This is a groundbreaking gathering of information on a subject that has,up to now been totally swept under the carpet.
I have had to re-read this piece several times to totally get it.
Thank you so much.
You’re welcome, JPJ, and thank you for your vote of confidence. I think I need a manager.
Yes you do!! One that will book you a world tour
I think a book is a fantastic idea Dr. Palmatier! I have been on Amazon looking for something, ANYTHING on this, and its always about women. Not that that’s a bad thing, but where is the awareness about abuse against men?
This is one of the only places I’ve found that acknowledges it and doesn’t turn around and encourage the man to stay with the abusive wife, change his behavior to adapt to her needs (more catering to the pathology!), and continue to be a slave and better learn to live with the misery. They even admit that things will only get nominally better, if at all.
This technique is, frequently , employed by cheating spouses who are busted. It is fairly common and the attacking and projecting are sure signs you got it right.
I have noticed how adept these folks are at playing to their audience, too. They are very convincing and try to provoke the abused through making the abused look bad to others.
The best way to handle them is to simply refuse to engage in any form of debate or argument with them. Just walk away.
As with everything else with these types, the more disproportionate their reactions, the more likely you’re hitting too close to home or have hit the bullseye.
Absolutely bog-standard behaviour that I got to recognise so well. I do however think it should be emphasised that the denial part of the acronym is NOT the denial we hear so much of in psychology forums, usually referring to defence mechanisms. That denial is classically a refusal to accept something that is too painful or upsetting for us to cope with. The denial in this case is denial as in bare faced, conscious lying, deceit and manipulation. I suppose you could say it is, if anything, an offensive mechanism
Exactly, the abuser/perpetrator DENIES their bad behavior.
“…high-conflict individuals who engage in this behavior often can’t substantiate their claims or, if they just make up more lies to try to substantiate their claims, they’re inconsistent over time, so pay close attention and document their lies”.
Invaluable insight. I’ve been doing this for the last several months. Every lie, every distortion and possible “spin routine” she could throw at me. It also keeps you grounded and a “shield” from future gaslighting or hoovers. Great stuff (as all the articles here are).
[Mellaril] A friend and I were talking of this just the other day. All law enforcement officers should be required to be educated about Cluster B types and their behaviors. It would save everyone time and heartache in the long term.
[ron7127] How true. When they spend every waking moment doing something, you get very good at it. But when you understand the behavior and their ways….they’re just “one trick ponies”. And in so many ways, they’re all the same…like a blueprint. I can spot a NPD or BPD in a matter of minutes now, it seems.
Excellent work in describing the blame shifting. Even when they’re responsible for doing something to someone else, they’ll try and blame the person who was hurt and/or wronged. When I was 2 years old, perhaps getting close to 3 (as I do have some memory of the event), my mother accidentally burned me on my hand with a cigarette while she was trying to get me out of a snowsuit. It was truly an accident, not intentional on her part. She was a very young & inexperienced mother and it was the 60s and people chain smoked while caring for their kids. So I don’t think it’s fair to judge by today’s parenting standards. Basically, what I remember is some pain, cold water and a very nervous mother telling me not to cry.
I think she felt guilty about it and was scared that people would judge her. The scar eventually faded to where you can hardly see it, but for awhile it was quite noticeable and people would ask about it. When I was 4 or 5, so many people had asked about it, I mentioned it to someone once without being asked about it.
Here’s how all of this was spun in family lore:
1) I was squirming and that why I got burned. Yes, apparently 2-3 year olds are supposed to know not to squirm around and there’s no responsibility on the part of parents to keep toddlers and the parents’ own cigarettes away from each other (we need an eye rolly smiley).
2) I embarrassed/humiliated her by telling people about the scar from the burn. Yes, because apparently at 4-5, I wasn’t just commenting on it because other people were, I was commenting on it because I wanted to humiliate and embarrass her parenting skills (again eye rolly smiley).
At some point when I was between 5-8 (don’t remember the exact age), my dad did another of those “that’s what they did back in the 60s” parenting moves and threatened to burn my hand if I didn’t get over my fear of turning on the stove. While I was very frightened by that, I don’t know that he really intended to follow through. We weren’t supposed to talk about the actual burn on my hand, but this was fair game and she’d bring it up periodically. I’m guessing it may have been an attempt to deflect onto him? Despite that and some other issues, he spent a lot more time with us than most men at the time did with their kid and did enough household tasks to where people would comment on it being unusual for the time.
Another time, she tried to subtly blame my younger brother when she got drunk because apparently junior high schoolers are supposed to know the proper ratio of scotch & soda vs. wine spritzers. The words were along the lines of “it’s not really his fault, but he mixed them wrong because he was used to the wine spritzers”. Even though it attracted some of her wrath, I stood up to her on that one. I told her he was just a kid and shouldn’t be expected to know how to mix drinks.
Damn junior high kids, getting their parents drunk, that’s always a troublesome developmental phase! You think they’d learn better in home ec about proper alcohol to mixer rations for different drinks!
The smileys may seem inappropriate, but as one Mr. Buffett said, “If we couldnt laugh we just would go insane”. Much like the translations, I find applying reality to the things they say/do in a humorous way to be helpful. It helps stop the target from buying into the mindbleepery and laughing seems to help with the tension. Though not around them, I wouldn’t recommend that! 
Mom burns you with a cigarette accidentally, yet it’s the child’s fault. Classic.
I see this all the time in my Ex through out our relationship and especially thru the divorce. It really is sad that it is so pervalent that there is a term of it.
I really am confused how people learn to behave this way. My ex was so good at spinning a story so fast and moving on to something else and turning it around on me. And before I can even reply she starts to bombard we with accusations so fast that I cannot catchup to talk about each of the accusations.. Then you cannot even remember what the arguement was all about, your head is just spinning and all you want to do is get away.
Jon
They do it because they are fragile narcissists. They can’t deal with pain competently so they deflect blame on to others to ward off further loss of self esteem and pain in themselves. The more accusations she throws at you the less loss of self esteem and pain she feels.
My ex was quite proud of her ability to DARVO, and even had her own name for it. She called it “the twist” and explicitly claimed to be its master. Of course as the years went on, she even started projecting that technique, claiming that I and not her was the true master-twister, alongside my “raging narcissism,” and mad manipulation skills. (If so, I was like that kid in that anti-drug ad: “But I learned it from you, crazy ex!”) I also regularly heard conversion out of her; in the rare cases that she would accept some blame for one of our fights, she would often say “I’ll make a change,” but over time the smirk got a little bigger every time she would say that. She had no intention of changing because she refused to believe she needed to. She would only accept blame as a way of calling a cease-fire, a lull between combats. Cats toying with mice often appear bored for a minute or two at a time before they resume their tortures, the Western Front in World War I was not non-stop attacks and counter-attacks. There were respites, and her little non-apologies were very much in the same vein. There was no intention to ever resolve anything, only truces to gather strength and marshal strategems.
It is all psychopathic. She thrives on the adversity for stimulation and to feel alive. When her opponents starts to get sick of it she lets the rope slack a bit to give them some room to breath. She then lets it go well for a while to give people some time to believe her false promise. Then she yanks the chain again. It is sadistic.
I am gld you mentioned the ad hominem technique, as it is one with which I have been dealing, lately.
I have been hearing from a disordered family member, lately, regarding a number of issues. But, here is an example of how she goes about it.
Recently, my deceased mther’s house was put on the market and a certain amount of work had to be done on it to ready it for sale. I live very far away, so the bulk of the work was done by my siblings. It was not all that arduous, IMO, as most of it involved getting contractor’s to do work on the house. But, one sibling, in particular, seemed to think it was very taxin(note, she is not used to working very hard and goes through a lot of jobs).
In any case, I did drive 1200 miles to help with some moving. I got a letter, upon my return, criticizing the amount of my contribution( I am pushing 60, work a sedentary job and heavy lifting is tough for me).
I had no real problem with this criticism, as I dismissed it, considering the sourdce and her perception of what constituted a lot of work. But, in the course of this critcism, she interjected a number of other attacks on me: my taking a much needed vacation(none of her business); pretending to have consulted with another sister re an agreement I reached to repay a looan(my older sister kept insisting that I refrain from paying the entire amount ,while I kept telling her doing so was no problem). She also informed me that her boyfriend felt I was interferring with his ability to have a conversation with my other brother because I was conversing with the boyfriend too much.
I checked with my older sister, the one who loaned me some money and she was shocked at how this sister both interferred and misrepresented things.
Anyway, I can rcognize these tactic right away, now, after all this reading. These folks are very adept at trying to turn simple discussions about differences in opinion into personal attacks. Just walk away.
She is bored and feeling unloved and left out. She picks fights for stimulation and because she is jealous of your relationship with your sister who loaned you money. The Cluster B’s are full of jealousy and anger. She is looking to blame someone for her problem with your brother. Her narcissism good give a hoot about your health problems, age, or that you went over the top and drove 12,000 miles! She is and will always be a bottomless pit of need because of her abnormal boundaries and immaturity.
The Cluster B’s National Anthem in their Land of Distortion is Me, Me, Me.
It is amazing to watch her work. In no time at all, she can offend another. My older sister was telling us about some advice my mom had given her re one of her old boyfriends, advising her that he was not very nice and she should stay away. Out of the blue, the disordered sister smirks and flippantlly says “I never heard her say that.”, trying to imply my older sister was making it up.
Well, duh. I wonder if the sneering sister ever considered the fact that our mom had seperate relationships with each of us and might mot have consulted with her before advising my other sister.
This is but one example.
Actaully, the phenomena I described above is not really an ad hominem deal, but, rather , just a string of false statements designed to hurt.
DARVO is somewhat similar to something my dad once observed in my Cluster B wife, which he called simply “The Technique.” The way it works is:
“She badgers a person until they sue for peace, and then she extracts a concession.”
My dad compared her technique to how the old Soviet Union would approach deals with the West. Eventually, we wind up conceding that there is partial truth to their accusations (even if we don’t believe it is so) in the hope that it will end the attack. Thus, we begin our slide down the slippery slope of caving in to their abuse.
Ah!
That’s exactly what my exwife did. Amazing.