22 Things to Teach your Son about Women (or Not)
The Frisky’s Annika Harris discusses child-rearing plans for her future sons in the article 22 Things to Teach your Son about Women. Ms Harris prefaces her article by stating that she’s at the age when a woman starts to think about having children and she wants to make sure any yet-to-be-conceived male progeny that might pass through her loins do not grow up to be like her oh-so-annoying boyfriends. Ms Harris writes:
We’re not mothers yet, but we’re at a point in our lives when we’re thinking about our future families. We know an awful lot about women and how to treat and please ‘em, so we plan to pass that knowledge down to our sons.
We hope to rid the male sex of all the things that make us rant by raising boys with balanced male and female perspectives. Here are the 22 things we’ll teach them.
I found Ms Harris’ male child rearing tips a little . . . off (with one notable exception), so I’m offering an alternative Shrink4Men version to her original list. Ms Harris’ points are in blue boldface; the rest of the text is mine:
1. Pick your battles. Especially if you have the misfortune to become involved with a high-conflict woman and/or an abusive personality disordered woman. These women will keep you engaged by creating constant, pointless conflicts. How will you know they’re pointless? Because try as you might, you won’t be able to resolve them.
If your girlfriend expands the argument while you’re trying to resolve the conflict (especially if you’ve just pointed out her role in it), she may be a high-conflict person. If she’s always right, even when it’s obvious to everyone else that she’s wrong, you should probably think about ending the relationship. If this kind of woman tells you things will get better after you marry, it’s a lie. If she’s not on her best behavior before you pop the question, it will only become worse after you propose.
2. Going down is more intimate than sex, but it shouldn’t be scary. Actually, some people consider cunnilingus and fellatio sex. I agree, sex with your loved one shouldn’t be scary. Not sure what Ms Harris is talking about here.
3. Walk on the outside (closer to the street) of your female companion. If women and men are equal, then isn’t a man’s life just as valuable as a woman’s? Why should he assume all the risk of being clipped by an out-of-control bus? Treat courtesy with courtesy. She may be a damsel in distress, but that doesn’t mean you have to fall into the trap of being her knight in shining armor. Damsels in distress maybe charming initially, but if you’re not careful, you could end up pushing the broom behind a sixty-something year old “princess” in distress. Not good. Damsels who expect you to fix all their problems are also likely to blame you and everyone else for all their problems. I’d steer clear if I were you.
4. Saying “You’re being crazy” is never an appropriate response, unless you want her to go postal on you. Especially if she really is being crazy and/or abusive. Pay attention. Crazy + abusive rarely changes for the better. You can’t fix broken and crazy, particularly if it was broke before you met her. Furthermore, if a woman goes postal on you for saying, “You’re acting crazy” when she is indeed acting crazy; odds are she has some issues. It’s not okay for your girlfriend to “go postal” on you. Anger is a healthy emotion. Out-of-control, abusive rages are not. You don’t have to take a woman’s abuse. Ever.
5. Cooking, cleaning, and taking care of kids are things men can actually do as well as women. Earning a full-time salary, paying child support, taking financial responsibility for your own children, paying your fair share of the bills and managing your own debt are things that women can actually do as well as men. By the way, most of the world’s top chefs are men and most men do 50% or more of household chores and childcare nowadays.
6. Keep back-up supplies of quality chocolate in the house for her to raid. We’re all in charge of our own emotions. Other people may do things to upset or anger us, but it’s not your responsibility to make your girlfriend happy, calm or psychologically stable. If your girlfriend or wife requires chocolate, antidepressants or mood stabilizers, it’s her responsibility to self-soothe and take care of herself. It’s not okay for her to take her issues out on you. Just because she’s in psychological turmoil and/or was abused as a child doesn’t mean it’s okay for her to abuse you nor should you have to keep a pint of Haagen-Daz on hand for “emergencies.”
7. Buying tampons and other feminine products shouldn’t embarrass you—everyone knows they’re not for you. Gimme a break. If men don’t mind doing this, fine, but spare us the shaming tactics. If a man doesn’t want to buy his wife’s or girlfriend’s feminine hygiene products for her, he shouldn’t have to do so. Plan ahead and purchase the products yourself; you know it’s coming every month, so there shouldn’t be any surprises. Is it child abuse when a mother makes her teenage son buy Tampax for her at Walgreen’s? I think I can make a reasonable argument for yes it is.
8. Women like compliments and gifts. Women may like compliments and gifts, but you shouldn’t feel obligated or that your relationship is dependent upon feeding her ego and her materialistic streak. If she doesn’t reciprocate compliments, gifts and affectionate gestures in kind, then you may be involved with a woman who’s just using you to bolster her ego and to collect trinkets, baubles, cars, computers and townhouses, which makes her a prostitute. One wonders if Ms Harris planning to raise a son or a manservant?
9. Earning less than her shouldn’t be emasculating. In fact, should you marry a woman who earns more money than you, she may end up having to pay you alimony, spousal support and/or child support should you divorce someday. Equal rights means equal. If men have to pay to play, so should women. Furthermore, joint income means joint; whats yours is hers and what hers is yours. If she hoards her money while expecting you to share yours, it’s unfair and you should stop sharing your money. In fact, be very wary of a woman who insists that you co-mingle your assets—even after marriage—especially if your assets are greater than hers.
10. Your legs really don’t need to be open that wide. If your girlfriend is constantly criticizing, nitpicking and putting you down for just being you, you may want to find another girlfriend. If you’re comfortable and you’re not making lewd gestures, who cares?
11. Be on time, even if she usually isn’t. If your girlfriend is chronically unpunctual and it bothers you; tell her. If she continues to disregard your feelings, it means your feelings aren’t important to her. If your feelings aren’t important to her, you should probably find another girlfriend. Your feelings and needs are just as important as hers. If she tries to insist otherwise, look for the nearest exit. Additionally, when your girlfriend behaves one way and expects/demands that you behave another—e.g., you must be on time; she can show up whenever she wants—it’s an unfair double standard. Contrary to the belief system of many women, it’s not different when she does it. (*Thanks, Mellaril.)
12. Don’t be a pouty puppy when shopping with her. If you don’t want to go shopping with your girlfriend, you don’t have to do so unless she’s willing to accompany you on outings that you enjoy, but she does not. While we’re on this topic, you shouldn’t be expected to do everything with your girlfriend. It’s okay to have different interests and to engage in them without one another. This includes shopping.
13. She should never be able to control you with sex. Ms Harris got this one right.
14. Find out what her favorite flower is. Unless she’s willing to find out your favorite beer, author, sports team, flower, etc., you shouldn’t be expected to know the minutia of her personal preferences. If a woman wants flowers, she’s quite capable of purchasing her own bouquet. It’s lovely if you want to buy her flowers, but don’t let her make you feel guilty for not doing so, especially if she’s not surprising you with flowers or concert tickets or whatever your thing is.
15. If you like her, then don’t buy her shoes; it’s bad luck. This one’s too silly to address.
16. Smiling and nodding aren’t the same as listening. And an endless stream of consciousness, rant about her bitchy, frenemy co-worker isn’t a conversation. Neither is a can’t-get-a-word-in-edgewise monologue about how insensitive, inconsiderate and clueless you are, complete with a laundry list of all the ways you disappoint her. It’s okay to just smile and nod when a woman (or man) is just talking to talk and doesn’t want any input from you—except to tell her how right she is and how wrong everyone else is. Sometimes the best thing you can do is smile and nod, smile and nod. Just be sure to intersperse it with some, “Wow, really’s?” and “Oh my god, I can’t believe she had the nerve to do that’s.”
17. Skid marks aren’t sexy or hygienic. Alright, Ms Harris makes another valid point.
18. It’s OK to cry in front of her, but keep the blubbering to a minimum. This is another example of a double standard and a double bind. Women complain when men “don’t express emotions” or aren’t “in touch with their emotions” and then freak out when men actually express their emotions and/or become angry if men express emotions that differ from their emotions. If your girlfriend isn’t supportive or mocks you for expressing your emotions and/or tries to turn the attention onto herself and her feelings, she may very well be a self-centered, unempathic individual who isn’t capable of a reciprocal relationship. In other words, you may be better off finding another girlfriend.
19. Personality goes a long way. But personality disorders do not. Personality disorders are difficult to treat and many individuals who have them are unwilling to admit that they have problems. No matter how wonderful your girlfriend’s “good side” may be, you can’t change or fix her “bad side.” By the way, if your girlfriend has a Jekyll and Ms Run Away and Hyde personality, it’s a BIG red flag. When a woman has a personality disorder, she has to do the heavy lifting in order to make positive changes. You can’t do it for her. You can’t love someone well nor should you feel guilty about ending a relationship with a woman who doesn’t treat you well and/or abuses you.
20. At some point she’ll be more important than your mother. Where to begin? During early childhood, it’s normal for both parents to be the center of a child’s universe. Children rely utterly on both their parents; not just their mothers. It’s also normal for children to develop into their own autonomous beings during adolescence. However, if a girlfriend or wife tries to isolate you from your family, it’s probably an indication that she’s not a good person and has issues that preclude having a happy and healthy relationship with her. Gentlemen, if your mother is trying to control your love life after you reach adulthood, you may need to cut the cord for her. Parenthood is not synonymous with ownership.
21. You will never completely understand women. Because men are too dense to comprehend the mystery that is women. Puh-lease. People are people. Entitled, selfish, angry, controlling women are not complex. You’ll never please them. They’ll never be happy—except when they’re torturing you. There’s no great mystery to their madness, anger, coldness and maliciousness. They’re unhappy people who only feel good about themselves when they hurt others, so don’t bother plumbing the depths of her tortured soul. There are no depths; just superficial layers of inconsistencies, self-serving BS, half-truths and contradictions. Mystery solved.
22. Oh yeah, and no woman will ever be good enough for my baby! Unless his future girlfriend also expects him to supply her with chocolate, go shopping, buy her Maxi-Pads, and suppress his emotions. Then he can take his mom and his girlfriend shopping while he stifles his sobs at DSW Shoe Parade.
What words of wisdom do the men reading this wish your parents had taught you about women when you were a child? Did they warn you that abusive, predatory women exist and that you should be wary of them? What do the fathers and mothers reading this plan to teach their sons?
Here’s a link to the follow-up articles:
Teaching Young Boys about Women and Dating, Part 1
Fathers and Mothers: Teach your Children Well, Including your Sons
Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:
Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.
Photo credits:
70 Responses to “22 Things to Teach your Son about Women (or Not)”
Comments
Read below or add a comment...
Follow Shrink4men
Where in the World
Subscribe to Comments
Affiliate
“What words of wisdom do the men reading this wish your parents had taught you about women when you were a child?”
Watch carefully how she interacts with parents and siblings, and to a lesser extent, how she interacts with her friends.
Does she treat a sister with contempt? Is she continuously telling a friend how she should be running her life? Does she get into shouting matches with a parent?
Because if you stay with her long enough, the way she treats her family will be the way she treats you.
“Watch carefully how she interacts with parents and siblings, and to a lesser extent, how she interacts with her friends.”
About 3 months before we married, her mother came to visit. There was a major screwup in logistics because her mother had been visiting her (equally NPD) sister, and the sister didn’t feel in necessary to honour the arrangments we made. So, we ended up picking Mum from the bus station at midnight.
My soon-to-be-wife was angry at the manipulations of her sister, and that her mother had gone along with it. They started arguing in the car, when suddenly, my STBW turned to her mother with a look of pure evil and said “You’re a f*cking liar!!” :0
Later, I told her that I was embarrased and shocked at her behaviour, and told her if she ever spoke to me like that, I’d leave her in a second. This was before I married her, so I still had my stones. Over time, she managed to gently chip away my resolve, so that I did lose my stones, and that’s when the treatment was transferred to me. She never spoke to me in exactly that way, but sometimes I wish she would have. Better to have the contempt in the open, than the subtle emasculation I underwent.
“You’re a f*cking liar!!”
Oh, I get this all the time. Translation: “I disagree with your last assertion.”
Regarding point #2, maybe she was referring to fellatio. Actually, who the fuck knows what she is talking about?
Still don’t know. Don’t really care.
“There are no depths; just superficial layers of inconsistencies, self-serving BS, half-truths and contradictions. Mystery solved.”
This is a good point. Intelligent, fair-minded self-aware women aren’t mysterious; psychotic women are mysterious.
And they’re not really mysterious so much as insane.
Excellent point, typhonblue, re: insane does not equal complex.
“What words of wisdedom do (wo)men reading this wish your parents had taught you about (wo)men when you were a child?”
Healthy people take responsibility for their own emotional states.
Yes!
(applies to both sexes): When someone warns you about who they are early in a relationship (i.e.”I don’t know how to treat [gender] very well,” or “You are too good for me; I don’t deserve you,” etc.) BELIEVE THEM. Because they will spend the rest of the relationship proving it to you.
Ding! Ding! DIng! Exactly, TGI. People will give you very early warning signs, but you need to be paying attention.
I got early on in the relationship, “you make me want to be a better person.” Damn it all makes sense now, but back then I had no clue
This can be applied to everyone in life.
“indirectness is the calling card of self-interest.”
If she can’t directly approach you, tell you how she feels and be completely open and honest about her life…..take to the higher ground, young man.
This is great. I have some young men I work with who need to see this. The frustration these men have in finding an emotionally adult young woman to date is intense and confusing. This will certainly give them a clear understanding of where the boundaries are.
What a phenomenal load of bollocks. Dr. T has already ably Fisked this article, so I don’t have a lot to add. One thing that struck a chord with me (well, a lot of this struck a chord with me) was in the remarks to number 18:
This is a pervasive and particularly cruel double-standard that women maintain. I don’t call it a double-bind, though, I call it getting whipsawed. This is especially the case when a man expresses feelings that are not directly in synch with what the woman is feeling. She’s upset with you because of X, you’re angry with her because of Y, but if you tell her about Y she’ll completely lose it because it’s not X. A few weeks after that blows over, she’ll start complaining that you don’t communicate enough and need to see a therapist.
I believe ‘whipsawed’ is layman’s terms for ‘double bind.’ ;^)
I guess I’m one of them thar laymen, then.
My advice to sons can be summed up, a bit crudely, in the following three statements:
1. Find your balls.
2. Keep your balls, no matter what.
3. See steps 1 and 2.
hell yeah
that’s what I’m talking about
awesome comment
seriously should be a tee-shirt
Thanks, John P. That’s not a bad idea!
I chuckled and cringed as I read this article. Before I had children I had all the answers on relationships. I remember attending a parenting class and thinking “this is all so obvious and easy – who needs a class?” Boy, was I naive and arrogant! When I was her age I thought I had all the answers to life, though I didn’t have the gall to actually author a book as a supposed expert.
Treating a woman like she is special and loved is a good thing. So is chivalry. But the danger is that it goes too far, and her thoughts provide insight that she stepping over the line. She will either find the man of her dreams who will be able to meet all of her needs or she is setting herself up for a miserable life. I truly hope she finds the man who lives up to all of her expectations, but I also hope she will laugh off the small things that don’t really matter, and that she takes ownership of her own issues when conflict arises, as they always do. I fear, however, from the tone of her writing that she may take on the “Queen Bee” mentality and rule with an iron fist, prejudiced of course through my own experience.
Now approaching 49 years of age, I am beginning to see a few patterns in my behavior and in my ex-wife’s behavior that led to an unbalanced, unhealthy relationship that eventually became too complex to unravel through counseling. I intend to teach my teen son about how to treat a woman with respect while being on the lookout for unhealthy expectations from a woman. A balanced approach will benefit he and his future wife more than so-called expert advice from non-experts.
Why aren’t we teaching children to respect others, period? Respect women. Respect women. Respect women. Respect women. Respect women. Squawk! Polly wanna cracker? So tired of the broken record.
Respect is earned. Yes, some authority figures should receive automatic respect—a coach a teacher, the police, your parents—until they demonstrate that they’re not to be trusted. For example, abusing their authority would lead to withdrawal of respect.
How about teaching children to respect women and men equally if they are deserving of respect because of their actions and the way they conduct themselves? Sorry, but “I have a uterus!” is not enough reason for me to grant someone unconditional, automatic respect. Respect should be merit-based, not sex organs based.
I never bought into the whole “women are goddesses” nonsense that sprouted in the 1990s.
Wow,this one answered a few questions for me.It is not okay for your girlfriend/wife to yell and scream at you in public.Then use the excuse that,”you need to be yelled at in order for you to do anything.”
Also,it is easy for an abuser to turn a man into a manservant/slave very easily.This article also points that out as well.
#2 is a bit of a mystery.
And yes,I am getting a little sick of hearing all about all the Women’s shelters and the need for all types of support.This just continues to beef up the view that all men are bad/women are good mantra.
There does need to be an equal playing field created and that is where you are the groundbreaker Dr Tara!!
Keep up the amazing work…please.