Dr Tara J. Palmatier on AVoiceforMen Radio Tuesday, June 21, 2011: “Accidental” Pregnancies, Entrapment and Children as Weapons
Dr Tara J. Palmatier of Shrink4Men.com will appear on AVoiceForMen Radio again next week, Tuesday, June 21, 2011 at 9pm ET. The topic will be “Accidental” Pregnancies, Entrapment and Children as Weapons.
How many men have been suckered and emotionally extorted into relationships and marriages with crazy, immature, high-conflict and/or personality disordered women who “accidentally” got themselves pregnant?
How many men would have ended relationships without looking back if not for being forced into fatherhood against their will and wishes?
How many men have stayed in an abusive relationship for the sake of their children, even though they feel a little piece of themselves die inside everyday?
An “accidental” pregnancy is one of the oldest tricks in the book of desperate, emotionally disturbed women.
Deliberately becoming pregnant without a man’s consent, against his explicit consent, as a way to hold onto him or to extort a commitment and money from him is one of the the most underhanded, contemptible forms of betrayal and theft there is.
Her body, her choice. Fine, but what about the genetic material a woman needs from a man to even have that choice? Parenthood ought to require mutual respect and consideration; a mutual choice. His sperm, his choice. Very often men have no choice about becoming fathers.
Before certain women make the emotional argument, “If he didn’t want to be a father, he shouldn’t have had sex!” let me say, grow up, get real and get some self-respect.
Women lie about being on birth control. Women claim their antibiotics rendered their birth control pills ineffective. Women lie about their menstrual cycles. Women lie and claim they’re infertile. They get ex-boyfriends drunk and lure them into bed. They collect sperm from used condoms. They get pregnant by another man and lie about the paternity. This is just wrong. It is wrong. It is wrong. It is wrong and it’s just a glimpse of the hell that is sure to follow.
Self-respecting, psychologically healthy women do NOT force men into fatherhood. Self-respecting, psychologically healthy women want to be loved for themselves, not because they arm twisted a man into “doing the right thing.”
A woman who deliberately gets pregnant against a man’s wishes and/or when she senses he’s about to end the relationship is a self-centered, un-empathic, duplicitous, manipulator of the highest order. Do not be fooled by her lies that it was an accident.
Accidental pregnancies are easily remedied. A woman who honestly becomes accidentally pregnant is open to exploring options such as adoption or abortion. If it’s a healthy relationship that was leading to marriage, then the pregnancy becomes a pleasant surprise.
A woman who doesn’t consider a man’s feelings and wishes about having his baby is NOT a woman he should bind himself to legally in marriage. These women are so twisted they lie to themselves and convince themselves that they’re doing this out of “love.” This is bullsh*t.
A woman who becomes pregnant to trap you is telling you loud and clear: “I don’t care what you want. I don’t care about you. I don’t care about your feelings. I want what I want and the consequences be damned. You will do what I want whether you want to or not. This is all about me and it will always be about me.” This is not love; it is the opposite of love.
In healthy relationships between healthy adults, children are a living symbol of their union and love.
Stealing a baby from a man to force a relationship or to extort money from him has nothing to do with love. It has nothing to do with wanting to raise and nurture a child into a healthy, productive adult.
A child conceived in this way is not his/her own little person; the child is a means to an end. The child is conceived for the sole purpose of tying the father to the mother against his will. The child is a weapon. The child is created to control and hurt the father. Women who view children as objects and weapons are highly likely to be parental alienators.
These women are not good parent material. Being a parent requires selflessness at times. Tricking a man into fatherhood is a supremely selfish act. A woman who does this demonstrates, before the child is even born, that she is incapable of acting in “the best interests of the child.” How is it in any child’s best interest to be born into a family in which the father was forced into parenthood with a woman he neither loves nor wants to be with?
If this has happened to you or someone you care about please tune in and call in to share your experiences and frustrations next Tuesday night.
I am considering doing Shrink4Men’s own radio show. Paul Elam of AVFM has graciously offered to let me use his platform to do my own show before I make the financial and time commitment of my own platform. I understand some of you aren’t comfortable with the MRM, however, my appearances on AVFM are about you and the issues you struggle with in your relationships. You can use a fake name to call in, but please consider calling or Skyping in. Ladies, I would love to hear from you, too.
I’m not interested in doing a 90-minute show during which I just run my mouth. That would be too boring for words. This show is about reaching out and interacting with you more directly. If you’ve felt shy or inhibited about calling in, please know you couldn’t possibly be more nervous than I am about going on air live. I hope to hear from more of you next week!
Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:
Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.
39 Responses to “Dr Tara J. Palmatier on AVoiceforMen Radio Tuesday, June 21, 2011: “Accidental” Pregnancies, Entrapment and Children as Weapons”
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My husband’s ex wife has been married three times. She has made a habit out of getting pregnant within two months of each marriage. When she was married to my husband, she claimed to be on birth control that “failed”. At the time, she and my husband were raising her son from her first marriage, who was also born right after his father married the ex. They were poor and couldn’t afford another baby. My husband ended up adoring both of his daughters–#2 came along a couple years later when they were still broke. It was heartbreaking when they later turned their backs on them because of their mother’s craziness.
Years later, when the ex married victim #3, like clockwork she was pregnant again within two months of tying the knot. She now has five kids by three different men, all of whom have eventually been used as weapons against their fathers.
This is a great example for men who worry that their crazy girlfriend, wife or ex will somehow magically change and be wonderful with the next guy. Second verse same as the first. They have a pattern that they repeat over and over and over again. The biggest tragedy is when these women bear children into their dysfunction and abuse.
When my mother-in-law heard about the ex being pregnant with her fourth kid, she said she wasn’t surprised because that’s how ex “gets her hooks into her men.” My husband’s mom never got along with the ex. Consequently, she was the first family member to get cut out of the kids’ lives. My mother-in-law hasn’t seen her grandchildren in about ten years.
My huband didn’t marry his daughter’s mother but she has made damn sure he pays up and is reminded every month that he will never see her. He was 17 she was 15 when she got pregnant but didn’t know he was a father until his daughter was 2. She’s 17 now but he’s only seen her maybe 5 times in her entire life and has no relationship whatsoever. Sad really we have two kids and he’s a great father but just like your article stated, “In healthy relationships between healthy adults, children are a living symbol of their union and love.” His poor daughter she never had a chance, we just keep trying to get through. The mother had other kids and lives off the state, she doesn’t care about her kids or the mens lives she has ruined. I’m just glad she’s 1000 miles away.
That’s such a sad and, unfortunately, all too common story, thatsme1980.
It never ceases to astonish me how some women view children as property and use them to hurt others—ignoring how badly their messing up the “MY” children.
The sickest part is, they use these kids to hurt the other person who gave them life. In a sense, when mommy turns the kids against daddy, she’s teaching the kids to hate a part of themselves. It’s no wonder many of these kids end up as troubled as their mothers.
My advice to any man who finds himself in this situation is to go to an attorney who specializes in father’s rights instead of the engagement ring store. Then brace yourself, it’s going to be a bumpy 18 years.
I do think people who lie or mislead their partners are awful people and when it’s clear what they’ve done, they should be punished legally. Such as the woman who stole her ex-husband’s sperm from the sperm bank. But she wasn’t punished, so I think that says a lot about how society just ignores this problem.
I would be in favor of suspending child support for cases where it was obvious a man was oopsed. The problem is most of the time it’s hard to prove. Even the pill is only 99.9% effective, when used correctly. Which does leave a .1% margin for error.
Sex carries certain risks for everyone involved. For heterosexual couples with women of child bearing age who don’t want children, one of the risks is an unwanted pregnancy.
For the woman, the risk is she’s either going to go through an abortion or a pregnancy. Though most births and abortions go smoothly, both have physical risks for her. And she’s going to have to decide between one or the other. That can be a difficult and emotionally charged decision for some women.
For the man, one risk is that he might have to support a child for the next 18 years or not have a say in an abortion. Another may be he may have emotional consequences from his partner’s decision.
These are the risks straight men and women of child bearing age assume when having sex. Anyone who’s not prepared to handle these consequences, male or female, should not be having sex. People either need to pull up their big girl or big boy underwear if these consequences happen or keep their underwear on in the first place.
I agree. I wish more people would stop and think before they have sex. Pregnancy is preventable and both partners ultimately have the power to prevent it from happening.
Agreed. Actually, I wish more people would stop and think before they even get involved in relationships.
There’s a new male birth control pill that’s just about ready to come onto the market. So far, tests have shown no negative side effects. If I were a man who didn’t want children AND was dating/married to Crazy, I’d have a prescription.
It will be interesting to see how certain women’s groups will respond when this pill becomes available and men can say, “My sperm, my choice.” A male contraceptive pill will shift the reproductive power women have enjoyed for a long time to a more equitable state.
“will shift?” Maybe “might shift” would be more accurate. Never underestimate the volatile combination of desire and opportunity.
I was waiting for the valet to bring my car around and overheard the following:
“I’d rather go back to my place. I believe in ‘safe sex’ and I only feel safe in my place.”
It was at a club in Seattle ~1986.
How about, “I hope it will shift”?
Wonder what the valet meant by that? That he knew the condoms at his place didn’t have little pinholes in them?
I should have included a little more explanation. What I overheard came from a young woman standing behind me. She and guy were in an apparent hurry to get somewhere to consumate the evening. If that was her definition of “safe sex,” I wondered how long it would be until she was celebrating Mother’s Day.
My obscure point was just because something beneficial’s available, don’t rely on someone to use it.
I think if it’s effective, it’s a win for all. Guys get more of a say in their own bodies which I think is good for them and any potential children. Having a reliable method to prevent fatherhood until they’re ready (for those who want children eventually) means they’ll be better fathers. And if it has less risks than the pill (clots, etc.) in relationships where there’s sufficient trust, the couple can use that method and give the woman’s body a break from the pill.
The only women I can think of who will object to this are the ones who are trying to oops a guy. And I’d say that would be a helpful red flag right there and the man should run as far away as he can from her. Even with a male prescription pill, the woman could still sabotage them, so the man would be well advised to keep them where only he has access to them.
My child’s mother was pregnant at least two other times that I know of, one miscarriage (someone she had hoped to marry) and one abortion (her mother didn’t approve of him) before she entrapped me. Since then she has had “pregnancy scares” with her “boyfriends” or “fiances” after dating a month or two. As if she is trying it again. It would be hilarious to find out that the guy was actually on birth control or fixed but did not tell her until after she started back with her entrapment games.
PS, I’ve heard the terms reproductive abuse and reproductive coercion to describe this type of behavior (lying or sabotaging contraception or destroying contraception). I Googled it to see if it included male victims. Not surprisingly, the first 2 pages of results focus on female victims. Just as in domestic violence, male victims are overlooked.
IMO, the topic of reproductive abuse/coercion should be covered in sex ed and it should be emphasized that both genders can be abused this way.
Hi ESG,
Thank you for sharing the term reproductive coercion. I hadn’t heard it before. It’s perfect. And you’re right, the top search results are about men doing this to women. There are studies link intimate partner abuse to reproductive coercion (big surprise). As with most DV, I’d be willing to bet in happens in nearly equal rates to men, but hey, men don’t have feelings and their rights don’t matter, so why include them in a study?
What’s even worse, is since it’s so difficult to distinguish between a real contraceptive failure and an “oops” there’s a lot of social pressure on a man to “do the right thing” and marry the woman. Which encourages the HCP and Cluster B women to keep using these tactics because it’s one of the surest ways to get a reluctant or ambivalent man to marry them. Normal, healthy women realize if a guy doesn’t want to get married or is ambivalent, you both sit down and talk about why. And if his not wanting to be married isn’t going to change and marriage is that important, then it’s time to break up and look for a partner who does want to be married.
Or if a couple is married, children are a mutual decision, no one should be forced or tricked into becoming a parent. It’s not good for the parent or the children. The kid ends up with one parent who’s crazy enough to manipulate someone and the other is reluctant.
In this day and age there’s a lot less stigma to having children outside of marriage. If a relationship wasn’t on its way to marriage and there’s an unplanned pregnancy, it shouldn’t change the course of a relationship. A father can provide both emotional and financial support without being married to the mother. While he’s still obligated to pay child support if the relationship ultimately doesn’t work out, at least he saves himself the legal and financial hassles of a divorce. That’s not to say there won’t be custody and child support issues.
Unwitting/unconsenting (i.e. the woman lies about contraception) fatherhood is an unfair situation for these men to be in. Maybe if society were more supportive of men who chose to support their children, but not marry their mothers, more men would take that step. Which would make oopsing a less effective means of entrapment and control.
…I am speechless.
About what, manofhonour?
THIS IS A SILENCE KILLER…It’s precisely what happened to me. the whole thing is so manipulative that once you are caught in the trap it’s just downhill from there…next you commit, you walk on eggshells and try hard (against your will) to appear responsible, it actually silences you. When I met her I had just broken up with my ex (who I had a child with, my first – 3yo at the time) and somehow she forced her way of moving in with me within a few months of meeting her. Soon thereafter She would mention how she’d love to have a child since she was already over 30 yo and so I made it very very clear that I wasn’t in any way ready to have a child and insisted on contraceptives which she told me she was on and i shouldn’t worry and all…thereafter came the story that she was reacting to the pill she was on and before long she was pregnant, worse I only found out after a few months…I found out later that the pill story was just plain lies. I was devastated…
The problem I think comes from the fact that most men treat it as an accident rather than confront these women. We just dont want to be taken as “irresponsible jerks” the adverse outcome is that we then idealize the whole mess and hope that it works out well in the end, which is just a dream (a nightmare to be correct). I got so caught up and thought the embarrasment of having a second child out of wedlock…and as most men do, you then want to be “nice” and turn the situation around and make it happy for everyone. Even when she starts to reveal her true character it’s hard for most men to come out of their self-made corners – talk about digging your own grave…Its actually sad to say the least.
No one ever talks about this topic…as a man once you hide it at the beginning it’s damn near impossible to EVER raise it again not to her and definitely not to anyone else. I remember trying to raise the issue during one of many arguments where she then twisted it into something like I was rejecting my daughter or something like that.
I am so glad I had the courage to end the madness…obviously with so much help form this site.
I wonder what the future will be for the human race. Copulating is something I can no longer risk, out of fear that I will have my children robbed from me from the State, or even terminated via abortion. This is evil of such magnitude, and reproduction and parenthood are concepts that men are forced to abandon.
Wow, the title of this post got my heart rate up… just thinking back to how stupid I was, and how close I came.
My ex, feminist academic, abused as a child, lesbian-until-recently (and BPD…) – in short, sex was a very serious subject for her, and had to be treated “responsibly”. First incident: she turned up at my house one day, a little anxious, and announced that her period was late. We had been using condoms, but still, they are falliable. We went together to the supermarket to buy a test kit. She made a big show of refusing to let me pay for it – “it’s *my* problem” – we went back to my place, and waited for the results… negative. Phew! And in the euphoric moments that followed, it was “I guess this demonstrates how important it is that we’re honest with each other”.
About a month later we were in bed, as it happens at a friend’s house. At the appropriate moment I reached for a condom, but before I could I heard her say “it’s ok you don’t need to. I’ve started taking the pill and I had an STI test when I was at the doctors”. No discussion beforehand. I said, I haven’t had an STI test for two years. She said “it’s ok, I trust you”. Given her history, and her sensitivities on this issue, I thought this was a breakthrough. I thought I was getting somewhere with her. So I went along with it, with all sorts of unpleasant scenarios running through my head.
We broke up two weeks later, amid all sorts of craziness. She had “decided” to move in with me, after we’d been together for three months. I expressed some reservations about this, about her inconsistencies, and gently insinuated that I needed to get to know her better first. She went ballistic, told me she thought I was a psychopath and “just like all those other men” (which coming from a feminist academic sounds quite convincing, initially), She dumped me on the spot, told everyone we knew (there was no-one she could legitimately call her “friend”) that I had been abusive, and when I tried to get in touch with some of those people to find out what was going on she applied for a protection order against me… which in my state means you are ordered not to have any communication with her (including through third parties) until the hearing.
While I was waiting for this to come up, I discovered I’d been infected with a nasty sexually transmitted bug… so naturally I was absolutely s#!tting myself that there would be no more nasty surprises later on.
Due to the “non-adversarial” nature of these proceedings where I live, I wasn’t able to ask whether she was pregnant either – I just had to figure it out by looking at her. No signs, but again it was within the window (about 5 months) where it could easily be hidden. We’ve had no contact since, and while, two years later, I’m pretty much over the trauma, and I’m reasonably confident I would have found out by now if there was a little ssscrambled baby out there, I do have some twinges of doubt now and then.
My lesson for other readers: if your intuition is telling you something is wrong, listen to it, and act on it straight away!! I’ve since tried to make that my mantra…
Thanks for your continuing excellent work, Dr. T. I’ve been silent for a while, but I have found reading your site over the last year or so very important, and helpful for my recovery. Best of luck for your radio gig!
Excellent Post Dr T,
I knew a guy some years ago that got caught up in this. It was the classic he broke up with her, a few weeks latter saw her at a bar, had to much to drink & guess what the end result was? He divorced her many years ago though & now has a wonderful family. Of course he still pays child support & she has done everything she can to destroy his relationship with her.
Another variation on this one is the “fake” pregnancy in an attempt to win him back. I was a victim of that one, sort of. MANY years ago I broke it off with a woman because of some other silly high school games she tried. Sure enough in less than a week I got the “I’m pregnant” call. I told her something along the lines of I will pay child support but I am still not getting back with you. Something like that, it was YEARS ago. True to script the next call was ‘I had a miscarriage & need comfort” call. I didn’t fall for either. When she called me on the first one I knew she wasn’t pregnant.
A few years back when my beloved & I first married my stepson who was around 20at the time broke it off with the jealous controlling type. I warned him to fully expect her to play this card. Yep, she did. Took less than 2 days. But his mom & I had him fully prepared. We told him to tell her “That’s great, I always wanted to be a father. I don’t want to be with you but I want to be a big part of the child’s life as a matter of fact I INSIST on going to the doctor appointments with you” Well she followed the script to a tee & within 2 more days gave him the “I had a miscarriage” call. It is almost as if these crazy women all share the same playbook isn’t it?…lol
Ron
Dr T,
What great timing! I am actually headed to Child Support court in the morning (6/21 AM) to learn how much I will pay my BPD ex to “support” my 6 year old child who lives with me the majority of time. Our pregnancy was totally a ploy to get me to remain in an unhappy volatile relationship with her. After 8 months, “My thyroid medication must have caused my birth control to be ineffective.” And I had just asked her remove her things from my apartment because I was moving on. I was naive and decided to try to “work things out.” Little did I know, she had a very troubled childhood, was a recovering drug abuser and was not willing to be honest and get help with her issues. She has qualified for psychiatric disability, does not have a job, has 3 children from a previous marriage and managed to rope another guy into donating sperm for her 5th child. She’ll be collecting Child Support from three (3) men, including me! And again, I have my son more that 50% of the time but becaue of the income desparity and this state’s ridiculous Child Support laws, I still have to pay Child Support!
Anyway, thanks for the site Dr. T. I look forward to listening to your show tomorrow.