Urgent Group Intervention Needed: Should this Man Marry His Abusive and Controlling Fiancée Next Week?
Dear Dr Tara J. Palmatier,
I have recently come across your articles on Shrink4Men and have been reading them — especially those related to controlling and abusive women — and am hoping you can answer a simple yes or no question for me:
Am I involved with a controlling and/or abusive woman?
I hate to sound dramatic, but the sooner you could answer, the better, as we are engaged and supposed to be married next week. I have become increasingly concerned that I am heading down a not-very-healthy path.
There are a few behaviors that concern me:
1. She frequently becomes extremely hostile and aggressive if I’m not able to meet her demands. For example, she fought with me for 3 days about not taking her to Paris where I was scheduled to work for 4 days. I explained that I couldn’t afford a last minute ticket, hotel, etc., for such a short trip.
Additionally, my job doesn’t allow significant others to go on trips. I offered to take her on another trip a few weeks later, when I had the time off and she refused. She had to go on the Paris trip. She even threatened to leave me if I didn’t take her. I ended up caving in and bringing her.
2. She often threatens to leave me or end the relationship when she’s upset or we’re having a disagreement. I’ve asked her repeatedly not to do this, as it really makes me feel insecure in our relationship. She’s done it repeatedly, even after leaving a therapist’s office a week ago, because she did not like the direction of the therapy session, and afterward told me, “I’m leaving.”
3. She has told me in no uncertain terms that a very good friend of mine (female, strictly platonic – always) is “not welcome in my house.” She doesn’t like this person even though they’ve only met twice, because, as best I can tell from really trying to have a heart-to-heart about it, she feels insecure about the friendship I have with my friend.
Honestly, I only see this person maybe twice a year. She’s been a close friend of mine for over a decade and dates another very close friend of mine. I’ve explained that I think it’s unreasonable to tell me she’s not welcome in the house, but she insists the only way she’s comfortable is if she doesn’t have to ever see her.
All of this has caused an extreme amount of conflict between us and I am feeling very high levels of stress and anxiety-borderline depression. I realize this is only my side of the story, but truly I’ve tried to explain everything as objectively as possible. She’s not a bad person, but I’m afraid that these behaviors will only get worse. My family and friends all tell me her behaviors will get worse and that I should end the relationship.
From just what I described, I’m curious if you feel that she is a controlling/abusive person?
Thank you so much.
Peter
Dear Peter
I can’t tell you what to do, but the behaviors you describe in your email are very troubling. Also, her behaviors are not that of a good person. If your description of her behaviors is accurate, she seems pretty bad to me.
I think it would be a colossal mistake to marry this woman. The behaviors you outlined are highly controlling and abusive. Your family and friends are right; your fiancée’s behaviors will most likely become worse after saying, “I do.”
Once an abusive woman legally binds you to her in marriage and/or with a baby, her behavior almost always gets worse. The attitude is, “I’ve got you now and if you try to leave, you’ll pay.”
1. “She frequently becomes extremely hostile and aggressive if I’m not able to meet her demands.” This is one of the biggest red flags of them all. Children have meltdowns when they don’t get their way; adults accept it or try to find a good compromise.
Your fiancée’s behavior is incredibly immature and abusive. Spouses inevitably disappoint each other from time to time. Being able to compromise and handle disappointment are essentials of a healthy marriage. Your fiancée’s behavior demonstrates that she’ incapable of both. If you marry her, you can expect her to continue to have woman-child temper tantrums whenever she doesn’t get her way — and why wouldn’t she?
She pitched a fit and you took her to Paris. She learned that if she wants to get her way, all she has to do is bully, intimidate and harangue you. Once a woman like your fiancée gets away with this kind of behavior even one time, it’s mighty hard to undo the damage. She’ll only escalate her tantrums.
2. “She often threatens to leave me or end the relationship when she’s upset or we’re having a disagreement.” The threat of abandonment is a control tactic; nothing more, nothing less. She figured out one of your “buttons” is abandonment/loss of the relationship. She’s using it to get her way and to silence you when you challenge her or try to express feelings/opinions that differ from hers.
This is the equivalent of a little kid threatening to take her ball and mitt and go home if you don’t play the game by her extremely unfair and one-sided rules. More often than not, the threat of abandonment is an empty one. It’s not easy finding someone who’ll put up with her abuse and other nonsense.
You should know this, Peter: Healthy people don’t tolerate the kind of behavior you’ve been tolerating. You don’t have to tolerate it either.
Much like her temper tantrums, she’s used the threat of abandonment to successfully manipulate you, which means it’ll be next to impossible to extinguish this behavior. Everyone has a toolbox of skills we use in relationships and life. More developed individuals use empathy, compromise, fair play and dialogue to negotiate relationships.
A woman like your fiancée has very primitive tools in her toolbox. She’s like a cave woman with rocks and sticks that she uses to clobber, prod and poke you. She no doubt failed to learn qualities and skills like empathy and compromise at the developmentally appropriate age. It’s highly unlikely she’ll be able to learn them as an adult. Bullying and intimidation are powerful tools. She’s unlikely to give them up easily because she’s probably been able to get whatever she wants by using them for most of her life.
3. “She has told me in no uncertain terms that a very good friend of mine (female, strictly platonic – always) is ‘not welcome in my house.’” This is another jumbo red flag. She’s trying to isolate you, which is a technique of abusers. They cut you off from friends and family — the people who care about you — to gain total control over you.
Right now, she’s “uncomfortable” with your platonic female friend. What happens when she becomes “uncomfortable” with your mother, father, brothers, sisters and other friends? Once you give in to your fiancée’s demand that you end this friendship, she’ll demand that you end more of your relationships. It’s only a matter of time.
The decision to end an engagement is a frightening one. However, the thought of marrying and reproducing with this woman should be even more frightening. If you legally bind yourself to her and have children with her, you’ll effectively be signing your life away.
I know the thought of calling and emailing friends and family to tell them the wedding is off is unimaginable, but try to envision yourself 10 years down the road. After a decade of marriage, you’ll want to get out, but will worry how it will effect the kids. You’ll worry that she’ll abscond with the majority of your assets and destroy your relationship with the kids. You’ll feel stuck — far more stuck than you feel now. If you can’t end it right now, at least postpone it for a year.
Brace yourself, Peter. If you think her tantrums, tears and bullying are bad now, she’ll throw everything she’s got into pressuring you to go through with the marriage. Let your friends and family support you. Any embarrassment you may experience will be temporary. It would be far, far worse to marry this woman and give her little hostages with which to torture and control you.
Ending an engagement with this woman might feel like the end of the world, but it isn’t. Marrying this woman will be the beginning of the end of your world and then you will have to fight like hell when you later realize you should’ve listened to your instincts and said, “I don’t.”
Shrink4Men community, what do you think? Should Peter go through with the wedding?
How many of you had similar concerns before marrying your high-conflict, abusive personality disordered, abusive, controlling, crazy wives or husbands? What advice do you have for Peter?
Services:
Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.
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192 Responses to “Urgent Group Intervention Needed: Should this Man Marry His Abusive and Controlling Fiancée Next Week?”
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PLEASE I IMPLORE YOU, GET FAR AWAY FROM HER! If you ever take any advice, take this, you are engaged to an emotional vampire, she will drain you of your energy, you money and spirit and leave only a husk afterwards, G-d forbid you have children with her. This is the exact same behavior that my ex wife exhibited, including the European business trips, mine is Barcelona. I refused she not only forced me to sleep in the basement bedroom but basically arranged to have her family and friends to ignore me, it wasn’t till I wised up and saw what she was doing to me that I filed. The divorce has been going for 3 years and is still not over, she has drained me of ever penny, and fights me tooth and nail for every minute of visitation with my children. DON’T DO IT! DUMP HER, DUMP HER QUICKLY AND CUT OFF ANY CONTACT WITH HER FOREVER, OTHERWISE YOUR LIFE WILL BE HELL!
Thanks, sh*tshield (chuckling at your username!)
I agree with your take 100%
Peter, run like the wind! Take whatever money you can scrounge, arrange some vacation time, cancel the wedding arrangements, tell your family and friends, then call her from a pay-phone and tell her it’s over. Turn off your cellphone and GET OUT OF TOWN UNTIL AFTER THE DATE OF THE WEDDING SO SHE DOESN’T HOOVER YOU BACK!!!
The shitstorm you’ll endure by cancelling this wedding is NOTHING to the shitstorm that your marriage to this woman will be. Short-term pain for long-term gain. GET OUT!
This.
RUN RUN RUN!!! DON`T TURN BACK AND LOOK EVEN ONCE! You are smart enough to pick up the warning signs….now go with the gut feeling…there is a lot wrong and everyone on this post will tell you the same thing…IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE!!!
You are still free.Do not ruin your life. Your fiance is a monster and your love of life and youthful spirit will die a slow and painful death.You will end up living with a female Dracula,with no friends or family.She will suck the life right out of your entire body,mind and spirit.
First it is a female friend…..next it will be your mother….it will never stop.
FLY ON,MY FRIEND TO A BETTER WORLD.
Comments from the S4M community on the Shrink4Men Facebook wall:
David Gullickson: In his own letter he has answered all his questions. Don’t just walk, RUN away from this woman as fast as possible. Trust me….if it’s bad now and she doesn’t have the ring on, it will only get 10x worse once it is, because she KNOWS she has you by the balls. Get out now and say good riddance.
Andrew Harris: RUN PETER, RUN!
Deep Expanse: lovvin that engagement ring picture Dr T!…and NO to Peter!
Radbecca Breeden: Your answer couldn’t have been explained better. A little embarassment now beats out a miserable divorce later. Run, Peter, RUN!
Matthew Arciniega: Don’t marry her, please. The warning signs are there. Let her go, and get yourself into some therapy so you can begin to figure out why you are willing to let yourself be a doormat. Once you do get married, it’s very hard to extract yourself, and the legal system will not be in your favor if you ever do decide that you can’t take it any more. Let her go.
Paul Mark Joseph Prinz: Tara, you wrote:”It’s not easy finding someone who’ll put up with her abuse and other nonsense”. I disagree. This is where men are pretty dumb. There will always be another enabler around the corner. Don’t think she hasn’t lined up another unevolved man just in case. My advice, walk away, cry the tears, heal and when you meet a woman of character, you will be glad you bailed on the abusive one.
A Shrink for Men: Sadly, you’re probably right, Paul Mark Joseph. I always seem to underestimate the number of people lined up waiting to take their fair share of abuse.
Daniel Pettas: No, and disengage.
Heather Darling Neil: Wow, he needs help in figuring this out? @ David you are correct…
Deep Expanse: looks like the solitaire I bought my ex..PMSL..I think its now at the bottom of the local sewerage treatment works….
Samadhi Fisher: speaking from experience, he needs to follow his gut, cut his losses, and chalk it up to a hard lesson learned before it’s too late. I ignored my instincts and I’m paying for it. I agree 100% with what DG wrote above. it does NOT get better. it DOES get 10x worse. don’t just walk, RUN away.
Tammie Kuhn: I hope to hear an update, and that Peter didn’t marry this monster. She will get worse over time, he has only seen the tip of the iceberg. RUN, Peter.
I wish Dr T had been around before I got married.
I had the same concerns. Trust me when I tell you this Peter
you will die prematurely. Not violently perhaps but between
the stress and strain you will be under a full life is probably not
in the cards. Get out!!!!!
Run, Peter! RUNNNNNNN!!!!! Everything Dr. T said is true. If you think she’s abusive and controlling now, just WAIT until she gets a little peice of paper that says (to her) she OWNS you. And God Forbid you have one or two children/pawns for her to emotionally and financially blackmail you with.
Every person I’ve ever known, who said they had strong doubts before walking down the aisle, ended up divorced. Myself included.
Thanks for the input, MB. I’m hoping “Peter” will register and reply to the comments and everyone directly. I know he appreciates the support.
Peter, a few of close friends and relatives warned me but I didn’t listen. I’m no longer with her but I’ll be paying the price for at least 12 more years until our son is an adult. Hopefully the nightmare will end there. Listen to people you trust. Don’t try to be here savior and don’t think that you can change her. Good luck!!
Peter – if you elect to stay it will be like a prison in your home. you will be interrogated daily as to where you have been what you have been doing and who you have been seeing. Any chance encounter with any acquaintance will be viewed as a suspicious event and will be twisted to make you seem as if you are betraying her. You say she threatens to end the relationship when you are not getting along? You should be so lucky. Trust me. There is NO WAY she will end this relationship. to do so means you win and she loses and that is not tolerable in her world. RUN while you still can.
I was in a similar situation, and didn’t get out when I had the chance. Here I am nine years later, struggling to find a way out for my kids and me. Don’t end up like me, get the fork out of there!!!!!!!!!
More comments from FB:
Stu Johns: FOLLOW YOUR INSTINCTS! If you are not sure and are being pressured or coerced at all, run away! You can always regroup and if it was meant to be it will wait. Please be careful.
Candace Bennett: This poor guy needs to run and run away fast and not look back!
Alicia Luz: Run away, break it off now!
Dawn Hiller Gialelis: I don’t see where ANYONE here or on the website said ” yes – you can work this out…. she sounds like a keeper” — Please heed the advice of all these people — you came here looking for an answer which I think you already know in your heart. Yes it is easier to just go along and be swept up in all the festivities and think that it will all work out for the best. It won’t. Please. If you do ONE thing for yourself from here on out….. do not marry this woman. Do NOT let her bully you into it. Good Luck.
Luca Ballarini: Run, while you still can. I am sure they you deserve better.
Peter I dealt with the same type of person almost word for word. The others are 100% correct. After you end the relationship with your female friend, she will go after others. Mine went next about people I work with, other friends to isolate. She eventually tried keep me from mother (mother’s day) and then my son. Broke up two years in a row on mother’s day. (1st for months second for good)I refused. She will never lighten up and stop. There is no compromise in their world.
I had the same thing with work travel. I gave in twice. She wanted to meet my friends at work. We spent no time with my work friends. She didn’t want to do what they were doing. We argued the entire time. She wanted all my attention. I needed to work. It is to isolate you from everyone. Most people want a partner in life. She makes you feel like a servant. Run!
Dear Peter,
I am afraid that your life with this person will be hell-like,
She cannot respect you as a person because she doesn’t respect you now at all.
And that is only your fault.
She can’t be one to blame because she has bigger issues, and probably doesn’t even realize that.