14 Responses to “Parallel Parenting: You Cannot Co-Parent with a High-Conflict, Abusive and Crazy Ex”


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  1. lifeonborder-line

    Dr T. your insight is always appreciated! So far this is the best outlet for men I have found. A HCP incident last night when my wife backed off on a punishment we had agreed to for our son. Makes me sad that the only way to likely end the cluster B attacks completely is to divorce and be in this kind of parenting agreement.

  2. bkbirge

    Interesting article as usual. It brings home the point that the crazy behaviors that happen within the dysfunctional marriage aren’t likely to stop just because the marriage officially ends, it’s just dysfunction part two unless you have an action plan to head it off. This kind of entrenched conflict I can see taking on a life of it’s own even after a divorce where one side blames the other in perpetuity, in turn poisoning the child(ren) against the other. It’s amazing that any children grow up halfway normal. I really worry for my daughter both in the context of staying in the marriage as she models how we adults behave and in the context of not being married where my access to her is limited and potentially likely poisoned by the mother.

    This describes me to a ‘T':

    “Too many men stay in unhealthy, abusive relationships because they’re afraid divorce will harm the children or that their children will become targets of abuse if they’re not home to act as a buffer.”

    Thanks for another insightful article, disheartening as it is.

  3. Mike D

    There was a similar article published on thepsychoexwife.com a couple years ago. Sadly that site has now been taken down by court order. Since lists make a handy reminder, hope you don’t mind if I post part of it here:

    Ten Tips for Successful Parallel Parenting

    1. Maintain an attitude for non-interference with your child’s other parent. Neither parent has influence or say over the actions of the other parent.

    2. Carry on a business-like attitude; use common courtesy.

    3. Do not plan activities for the children during the other parent’s time. It may be better for a child to miss an event than to witness conflict.

    4. Stay focused on the present.

    5. Stay oriented to the task at hand.

    6. Keep your children’s best interests in mind.

    7. Remember the goal is to keep conflict to a minimum.

    8. Follow up in writing all agreements and discussions regarding the children, and do so succinctly!

    9. When communication and/or negotiation is necessary, use a neutral third party to assist you.

    10. Keep an open mind.

    Thanks for another great article, Dr. T.

  4. ozymandias

    Disengagement is certainly the key but, unfortunately, an understanding of what makes the crazy tick is fundamental in making post divorce parenting work (in my experience). However, the first thing is to look at yourself. By that, I mean learn to stop blaming and learn to stop taking things personally. Dr T may disagree with this but I believe that these crazies can be kept in check (to a point).To regain some semblance of control you are going to have to learn levels of tact and diplomacy that should attain university degree status.

    Some stuff that worked for me:

    Disengage from the conflict. She will use anything that comes to mind to win. She will hurl accusations. She will talk utter nonsense. Oh,and boy will she blame. All in the heat of battle. However, when the storm dies down, all of the nonsense she spouted will actually be forgotten (by her – its nonsense you see?). Unless you throw stuff right back at her. If you throw stuff back, she will remember – and it will be used against you. No matter how justified you may be – you need to play the long game.

    2: Be understanding. Whilst a lot of the stuff in her head is truly mental – a lot of it is very real to her. Remember, a fundamental problem for these women is that they do not know “who” to be. To this end they are excellent mimics. They see people who they respect and they adopt the actions and the lifestyle choices of those people. To this end, they can learn and they can be open to suggestion – but this takes time. I find that by agreeing with her initially and then opening a door to another way of thinking can be hugely successful. But don’t dictate. It’s similar to the feel, felt, found approach. “I know how you feel, I’ve often felt the same way, but what I’ve found is that by doing X,Y,Z” – if you see what I mean. Remember, you don’t actually have to feel the same way – you just need to say you do :)

    3:This one is going to sound horrible – but use the kids to your own ends. I never ask my child (who is now 5) what mammy does or what she says (it is of no real interest unless it affects the child) but I’m pretty damn certain this does not work the other way. So you know that the child is going to get grilled on your own actions – possibly to the point where she just asks straight out “What has daddy been saying?”.When my kid asked about why we weren’t together anymore? I came out with “Mammy and Daddy love each other but we argued too much and we didnt want to argue so now Mammy is with (new partner) and now she loves him and he’s a very good man”. Within a fortnight I had her mother coming to me and saying the exact stuff I’d told the kid. I called this “getting back to white”.It wasn’t something I’d actually planned – its just what happened.Now I simply just say positive things – not lies as such – just positive for the sake of it! If you stay on the black side, you are gonna be in a world of pain.

    I don’t know if this stuff will work for everyone but its working for me. It started getting better when we got the divorce finalised and I ensured this happened as quickly as possible. I also made sure I moved a suitable distance so as not to be at her beck and call. I never answer my phone late at night. Nor do I respond to crazy texts. At least not in real time. If I leave stuff until the following morning, her mood has always changed. They are creatures of impulse, driven by their emotions and guess what, moods and emotions change in time (the time I’ve found is usually around 12 hours – ha ha).

    I’ve had a year of relative calm. I hope it continues. I know it may not. I’m in a new relationship now – about 8 months. I know if my new relationship gets serious, I may have problems. I know that if her new relationship has problems, I may have problems. But I cross bridges when i come to them. She directs her anger elsewhere (it has to go somewhere) cos she knows she gets nothing back from me. I hope she can be happy for the sake of my daughter. I know she can’t be but hey ho!

    Sorry for rambling – it’s a symptom I’m afraid :)

    Oh, one more thing, and very important – pick the battles you have to win and the battles you can afford to lose! And stand your ground.

    Phew!! :)

    • TheGirlInside

      Those are all commendable, but I wonder…how do you blow off steam? Aren’t there times when she does get under your skin, but you just don’t show it / stuff it?

      Just wondering if you can really be that calm all the time…especially while constantly dodging sh**bombs.

      • ozymandias

        To be honest, the sh*t bombs have largely stopped now. I spent ages studying the disorder(s) before I stumbled on Dr T’s site. I also had to have a long, hard look at myself and found some answers. I realised that the only things I could control were my own feelings, actions and reactions. I expected the worst with every encounter but I found that by preparing myself before every interaction, I could remain calm. I was lucky that I found this site just as the divorce proceedings got underway. If I hadn’t I might have slung a lot of mud that wouldn’t be forgotten. I guess I’ll always be treading on eggshells but its become almost like a game now. It’s a funny thing to say but I’m so much happier in myself nowadays – and that wouldn’t have happened if it weren’t for the psycho ex :)

        • amydoll1980

          Great advice! I learned most of this already (onmy own) Its so great to see it in black and white. I’ve tried explaining this to others but they usually don’t get it. Everyone wants to believe the courts will solve all their problems. I guess they’ll learn the hard way like I did.

  5. leo

    “Up to half of the women in a special hospital such as Broadmoor are there because they have killed their children.” — BBC website. They have now removed the sentence in their report at http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-14419622

    You can view the cached page (before too is gone) at: http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:CfZSkd74a_4J:www.bbc.co.uk/news/mobile/uk-england-14419622+%22Up+to+half+of+the+women+in+a+special+hospital+such+as+Broadmoor+are+there+because+they+have+killed+their+children.+%22&cd=1&hl=en&ct=clnk&gl=us&client=firefox-a&source=www.google.com

  6. Curtman41

    I was reading some comments and Mike D referenced thepsychoexwife.com website. I clicked the link and it appears that a female judge has ordered the website to be taken down. Now when you click the link it takes you to this: http://www.savethepsychoexwife.com/ It gives an explanation as to why the judge shut the site down and the orders it implemented. I find it fascinating and reflects the battle we face as man and Fathers in this culture.

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