False Allegations in Divorce and Custody Battles: The Personality Types of False Accusers and the Falsely Accused
The following article is from the August 23, 2011 AVfM Radio program on the criminal practice of making false allegations of abuse in order to gain the upper hand in divorce and custody battles. The radio version was edited down due to time constraints. Here’s everything I wrote for the show in its entirety:
Too many men have become the targets of false allegations. False allegations of domestic violence. False allegations of sexual assault. And false allegations of sexual abuse.
False allegations are lies and people who make false allegations are liars. A false allegation of abuse isn’t just any lie; it’s one of the most contemptible lies that exists. Even one victim of such a despicable lie is one victim too many.
Oftentimes, when a man finds himself the target of false allegations, he initially becomes paralyzed by shock and disbelief that a woman he once loved or still loves could perpetrate such a horrible lie upon him. The nightmare of false allegations is always compounded whenever children are involved.
What precipitates these kinds of false allegations?
Domestic violence literature holds that ending an abusive relationship is often the most dangerous time for the target of abuse. The classic stereotype is that of the alcoholic Neanderthal who beats his wife to death as she attempts to walk out the door after years of abuse.
For men, ending a relationship with an abusive woman is also often the most dangerous time.
Just like his female counterpart, when a man makes the agonizing decision to divorce an abusive wife, it may end in violence. Stories abound in the news of women killing their ex-husbands and their own children during divorce and custody battles. But women have another weapon at their disposal, which is just as lethal as any firearm or poison.
That weapon is the false allegation.
Many men, despite having been subjected to years of abuse, come a cropper when their ex makes a false allegation. How could someone you once loved and who supposedly loved you tell such horrible lies?
The simplest answer is that women who perpetrate false allegations are malicious and disturbed. Men also make false allegations and those that do are equally malicious and disturbed, but let’s face it, there are clear tactical advantages for women who fabricate false allegations.
Over the last 25 years, as the domestic violence and divorce industries have grown, a perverse system has developed in response to female initiated allegations of abuse in which the accuser is rewarded.
How are women rewarded for making false allegations?
They get attention. The person they hate is punished. They receive social approval. We all hate abusers and pedophiles, right? Look at that courageous woman who’s fighting to protect her child! Female false accusers may also receive free legal representation, welfare payments, free counseling and other support services and support from family, friends and neighbors — in other words, even more attention (Wakefield & Underwager, 1990).
Furthermore, there are very little, if any consequences for women who make false allegations in family court (Green & Schetky, 1988). Ultimately, the false accuser has far more to gain than she has to lose. However, I’m hopeful that we’ll soon be seeing more stories like that of Daryl Guinyard, the man who sued his ex-wife in civil court for making false sexual abuse allegations and was awarded $852,000 in punitive damages.
What happens to men when they’re falsely accused?
Many men experience a very rude awakening when they enter the justice system via false allegations. Perhaps the truth will prevail, but typically not without a considerable amount of collateral damage to themselves and their children.
When a man is accused of abusing a woman or child, any concept of due process and “innocent until proven guilty” flies out the window. Men are assumed guilty until proven innocent when a woman cries abuse or rape.
False allegations can turn a difficult divorce into full out nuclear war.
When a woman calls 911 and alleges violence, a man is often required to vacate the family home. If his wife follows up with an emergency protective order, he must then submit to prolonged alienation from his children. He becomes caught in both the criminal justice system and social service bureaucracies, which may result in jail time and/or court-ordered therapy while the real criminal, his lying wife, wins possession of both the children and the marital home.
Men who are falsely accused by their exes also face the threat of presumably well-intentioned, but zealous and biased mental health professionals and court evaluators who are quick to believe the accusations of the often highly emotional, female false accusers based on little to no evidence.
The falsely accused isn’t the only casualty of a court appointee’s or mental health evaluator’s rush to judgment. Both the accused and his children are hurt.
When the false allegations involve sexual abuse, children are subjected to a long process of interrogation, therapies and medical examinations, which can be invasive, confusing and traumatic. The falsely accused often suffers emotional and physical trauma, public humiliation, family breakdown and financial ruin. Furthermore, the relationship with his children may be irreparably damaged.
Fighting to prove his innocence can take years and become a financial expense many men simply can’t afford.
Just as false accusers rarely receive consequences for perverting and obstructing justice, court evaluators and mental health professionals who wrongly determine that abuse has occurred through their own incompetence and biases are rarely held accountable. The people who suffer the most negative consequences are the falsely accused and the children. This isn’t justice; it’s a mockery of justice.
What do we know about women who make false allegations?
Wakefield and Underwager (1990) determined that false accusers are much more likely to have a personality disorder such as histrionic, borderline, passive-aggressive, or paranoid. False accusers appear to be highly defensive and rigid, to have poor insight and a tendency to deny personal shortcomings. They tend to be extremely concerned about and sensitive to how others perceive them. False accusers tend to confuse feelings with facts. A woman may “feel” abused or may “feel” the children are being abused, when, objectively speaking, no abuse has actually occurred (Zepezauer, 1994).
Wakefield and Underwager (1990) found that:
[False accusers] are likely to misperceive the behavior of others and to react to stressful situations in maladaptive ways. Depending upon the specific personality disorder, they are characterized by instability of mood, impulsivity, inappropriate emotional overreactions, a need for approval and attention, and difficulties handling anger and conflict.
False accusers also have an obsessive hatred of and anger toward their ex-partner, so much so that their hatred and anger become a driving force in their lives. False accusers are individuals who hate their exes more than they love their children. Their hatred and anger trumps the needs and much ballyhooed best interests of their children.
What do we know about men who become the targets of false allegations of abuse?
They tend to be your average nice guy who has a more nurturing and passive personality. These men are unlikely to be socially aggressive or competitive and tend to lack insight into their personal relationships, which may explain why so many of these men are thrown for a loop when their ex throws them under the bus — even when she’s made threats throughout their marriage to call 911 and have him arrested (Wakefield & Underwager, 1990).
Additionally, these men, because of their sensitive and caring natures, may be more vulnerable to relationships with needy and manipulative women. Once in a relationship with a high-conflict (HCP) and/or abusive personality disordered woman (APDI), they may behave somewhat passively as they continue to naively hope that everything will magically work out in the end.
What are the identifiable characteristics of false allegation cases?
Ross and Blush (1987; 1990) have found certain patterns that characterize false allegation cases. For instance:
- The allegations start after separation and legal action commences.
- There’s a history of family dysfunction with high-conflict and other hidden underlying issues.
- Again, the female accuser is often a histrionic or borderline personality.
- The female accuser takes an angry, defensive and justifying stance.
- The accused male parent is generally nurturing, passive and lacks “macho” characteristics.
- In alleged sexual molestation cases, the child is typically a female under the age of 8.
- The allegations surface via the custodial parent who is typically the mother.
- The mother takes the child to an “expert” who corroborates the abuse and identifies the father as the culprit.
- The court reacts to the expert information by terminating or limiting visitation.
Ross and Blush also determined there are primarily three types of false accusers: the histrionic, the justified vindicator and the borderline.
The histrionic personality appears anxious and presents herself as the victim of her ex. She describes herself as physically and/or psychologically abused by her ex and worries that the children are also in danger of being victimized from him. She projects or superimposes her feelings, fears and distortions onto the children. She seems to have “unusual and inappropriate” sexual concerns about the children and may regularly examine the children’s genitals and take them for frequent medical examinations.
The justified vindicator initially presents as assertive and organized with a justifiable argument supported by “facts, figures and opinions supporting her evidence.” She comes across as outraged and worried about her ex’s behavior. However, as most high-conflict types do, she becomes resistant, hostile and passive-aggressive or overtly aggressive upon cross-examination of her claims. She’s likely to try to discredit any evaluator or law enforcement official that questions her assertions and may threaten to sue or file an ethics complaint.
The borderline personality has intense and chaotic interpersonal relationships and is prone to intense valuation and devaluation. They will attempt to punish others who they believe have abandoned or hurt them. False allegations are a highly effective way of doing this.
In my practice, I coach many men through the divorce process. Prior to pulling the pin and telling their abusive wives that the marriage is over, I help my clients create a safe exit strategy. I use the phrase “pulling the pin” deliberately, because divorcing an abusive, high-conflict and possibly personality disordered woman is often very much like handling a live grenade.
I warn every single male client who is about to divorce or break-up with an abusive partner that he may be at risk for becoming the target of false allegations.
Many men can’t comprehend how or why their partner or ex could fabricate such a lie. Even when their wives have threatened to call 911 during the relationship to intimidate and control them, they still have a difficult time believing that it could happen to them. Men whose wives or girlfriends have threatened to call the cops during their relationship to intimidate or control them are especially at risk should they decide to separate.
Counseling is not a consequence.
False allegations, even if they’re later disproved, rarely result in a completely happy ending for the accused and the children. Family court and law officials must begin implementing serious consequences — beyond the anemic “consequence” of outpatient counseling — for both women and men who make false allegations. Perhaps if women who are inclined to make false allegations knew there would be real life consequences such as jail time, fines and loss of custody, they wouldn’t be as likely to see making false allegations as a viable option.
Enough is enough.
Services:
Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.
References:
Blush, G. L. & Ross, K. L. (1990). Investigation and case management issues and strategies. Issues in Child Abuse Accusations (2) 3.
Blush, G. L. & Ross, K. L. (1987). Sexual allegations in divorce: The SAID syndrome. Conciliation Courts Review, 25(1).
Green, A. H., & Schetky, D. H. (1988). Child Sexual Abuse. New York:Brunner/Mazel.
Wakefield, H., & Underwager, R. (1990). Personality Characteristics of Parents Making False Accusations of Sexual Abuse in Custody Disputes. Issues In Child Abuse Accusations, 2(3), 121-136.
Zepezauer, F. S. (1994). Believe her! The woman never lies myth.
41 Responses to “False Allegations in Divorce and Custody Battles: The Personality Types of False Accusers and the Falsely Accused”
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“The accused male parent is generally nurturing, passive and lacks “macho” characteristics.”
So, to put it another way, the accused male is often a CARETAKER type. They could, more often than not, be in a helping profession: ambulance driver, police officer, firefighter, massage therapist, physical therapist, nurse, doctor, lawyer, psychologist, psychiatrist, personal trainer, et cetera?
Do you think the above statement is true, Dr. T? And if so, do you agree with (or could you add to) what is said in the following article about caretaker types? http://gettinbetter.com/needlove.html It would be interesting to know your “take” on caretakers.
Interesting article. Thanks
If you lived in London during the second world war and you heard sirens you’d run to the local bunker. You’d know where to go even in the dark because you’d done the drill time and time again.
Well it’s no different with the exit strategy, and there’s no doubt about it Dr. T, you’re kicking footy goals with this idea I tell you.
How many of us here read about the exit strategy and now look back with wonder about how better it all might have been if we had known about it when it was needed ?
For that matter, how many of us ever sat down with ourselves and really looked at how we could better have managed our “entry strategy”?
Now that sounds pretty silly now I read that bit back and I tell you it was not meant as humour.
If we accept the idea of the benefits of a way out, or pulling the pin slowly, then can it make sense to look at how we got there in the first place ? Funny as it looks I reckon yes. A great big flaming neon-lit spinning “yes”.
Of course I am talking about the “relationship interview” or “relationship examination” for the first months or so. ( months )
* Check out her family,
* See her with a few drinks in her,
* See her in a frustrating environment,
* See her with her friends,
* See her at work if you can,
* See how she is when you are delayed for an evening,
* See her give a speech at a party,
* See how she talks to a child,
It’s just so easy with the hormone blinkers on to waddle into the arms of a masked loonie.
I know because I have and there is no way I am suggesting for a moment that my experience here is unique.
The prevalence of dabbling in the swirly world of the masked loonie is astounding and nobody really wins, not really.
So if you take seriously the strategy that pulls you out, you may better well just learn to the point of a times-table chant a stout plan that steers you in.
Hi Dr F,
Having an entry strategy is just as important as an exit strategy because you don’t need an exit strategy if you can avoid getting involved with an abusive predator in the first place.
Great relationship interview list. However, some of these types are natural born actresses and actors. Sometimes the mask doesn’t slip until later in the relationship.
If this is the case, try not to romanticize the early part of the relationship when her mask was in place. When the mask comes off and she establishes that this is how she is, don’t make excuses. Don’t get tricked into a pregnancy. Get out.
You will love again and hopefully, the next woman you fall for will truly be a kind, loving and decent woman and not just play-acting to gain control over you.
I have been separated from husband for over a year. He was and is a “high functioning” alcoholic and I thought that was the main cause of his demeaning, disrespectful, deceitful, manipulative and psychologically abusive behavior. I recognize now that there is a lot more at play and am working hard at trying to figure out why I was attracted to and committed to this for so long (22 year marriage!).
Faced with the choice of seeking treatment or divorce (we have 4 children, so I thought he might think about it), he chose the third option – blaming me for it all and accusing me of all kinds of wrong-doing. While I am comfortable holding my head high, he has chosen to zero in on character and my parenting and with some success. Most of his drinking buddies “hate” me and his parents and brother, with whom I have tried to be frank about his drinking, will barely spit a word out to me.
He uses scraps of evidence to build devastating cases against me – that I do not love my children, that I am controlling and abusive, that I “force” the kids to go along with me against their wishes, that I fabricate “drama” to make myself feel better. One of my four children, a teenage son, went to live with dad last year and has 100% bought into the lies. Last week he let me know I “ruined his life’ and he wants me “out of his”.
I fear that my other children will be similarly affected by his attitude even though they spend so little time with him (4-6 hours per week) and even though he is very careful about not blatantly bad-mouthing me in front of them (more back-handed. see below.)
Back to the abusive reactions – I find that each time I make a decision he does not like, the abuse sets in full force. He had been visiting the children at our home for almost a year (how stupid was I for letting that happen??) before I finally said “no more”. I told him I needed to move on, needed space of my own and that he would need to have his parenting time somewhere else – it was normal and healthy for both of us to move on like this.
He said he was fine with it. That was in June. He now hangs around outside the fence to talk with the kids and neighbors, playing the innocent victim of a woman who will not “let him in the house”. He has stopped communicating to me about our teenage son and his plans with the other children – he makes arrangements with them directly without my knowledge.
My dilemma? Thinking it was a more peaceful way to go, we are in divorce mediation and the case has not yet gone to court. I do not want to play into his argument about fabricating drama by pursuing court orders. I also want to avoid the contentiousness for the sake of the kids. God, give me patience and peace!!!
She already started doing this. First she began by accusing her brother of accusing our son. I didn’t believe it and told her that if she couldn’t come up with some more evidence besides her “feelings.” She is over attached to our children, first of all, and never lets them out of her sight, so there wasn’t even an opportunity for abuse to occur unless she allowed it to, and second our children love their uncle and showed absolutely none of the normal signs of abuse. I had a feeling myself, however, and that was that soon she would turn the same allegations against ME. And of course, she did.
She told her family, my family, our friends and just about everybody else who would listen that I was abusing our son. Lucky for me, we had access to some really good counselors who didn’t just take her word for it and send me to the chopping block. Also, our pediatrician is WONDERFUL. She had my wife’s number from the first visit and she still to this day (Yes, I am still married to this psycho) tells her how she needs to get help. Them and my family and friends not believing her lies have kept me sane. Still, I worry. The divorce lawyer I sought told me that if she ever gets someone to believe her it will spell trouble for me and I believe her. Right now she’s dead set on getting the kids to come with her to Mexico and I am dead set on them NOT going for a number of reasons (I have hidden their passports away and taken the birth certificates so she can’t forge my signature on a new application), so she’s trying to be the nice pretty princess, but soon I know the ugly face will rear up again.
*sigh* reading this it LOOKS like a nightmare on the page but in reality I’m still trying to see my rosey-eyed way through it hoping it’ll change. Maybe one day my own words will impact me enough to do something about it.
I know all of the men on this site have been or are being hurt – BUT, put your emotions aside and listen to this advice – PLEASE….I would not wish a false accusation on ANYONE…
If you are, or think you might be, in a conflict with a woman like this, you HAVE TO RECORD every conversation you have with her – PERIOD. If you don’t believe she will falsely accuse you of the most heinous acts a human can commit, your WRONG. My husband spent $150,000.00 in legal fees and the BEST advice he received was to purchase a $40.00 recorder and record EVERY INTERACTION. His criminal attorney said it best – when its a HE SAID/SHE SAID – SHE WILL WIN. YOU ARE GUILTY UNTIL YOU PROVE OTHERWISE. Don’t be naive and think that justice will prevail – only in your naive dreams. I am COMPLETELY CONVINCED that without the recordings, my husband would be in prison. I am the mother of 2 sons and the thought that a female can simply speak a few sentences and ruin their lives is scary – but its true. If your in a relationship with a personality disordered person (male or female) – GET OUT AND PURCHASE A RECORDER. Dr. T, What are the EARLY warnings signs that we can teach our children to look out for….I know you say they are good actors but is there any tell-tale signs?
Like looking into a crystal ball, the 9 identifiable characteristics of a false accuser listed in the article could not have been more true: my foreign-born, non-native English-speaking ex-wife who suddenly became the lower-income victim of “abuse” by me, even though in her own court documentation admitted to being abused by her family (WAY before I met her), now claiming that she is in danger, and that our son is in danger only after her hiring of a well-known pit-bull of a female family law lawyer (principal of her own all-female law firm). She brought a “family counselor” to her side, used translators in court even though she had been in the US for 12 years and was a doctor in her home country, and even took our son away for two nights, laughing into the phone as I demanded to know where he was. Not to go to far into this vein, but there is a large movement of fathers who are fighting to get their children back from countries who don’t, and some that do, adhere to international laws regarding “home country status” of their children. In the end, I was financially ruined, her play of poverty an Oscar-worthy performance, and re-married a well-off engineer type 13 years older within 10 months of the spousal support drying up. I have to sleep with one eye open if our son’s head is not on a pillow under my roof, wondering if she falsified documentation and whisked him off to her parents living overseas in Asia. Together for 10 years, I now understand clearly that the person you divorce is not the one you married. Thank you for the radio commentary and article form of this subject – I thought I was the only one going insane at the insanity of it all.
I am really starting to not like her at all, some days i wonder if it could work, but then I’m around her at my eldest son has, and she tells me i cant talk to one of the boys that is already alienated and not talking to me. There is no way i will ever go back to her. She is the most miserable person i know. But maybe i should sue her. after the custody battle, anybody want to buy my solstice i need the money for court, I’ll walk or ride the bus. I am going to beat her some day.
This is a wonderful article. It is so true. I have a younger brother going through a custody battle right now. This article totally describes what has happened to him. He is a wonderful, passive man who married a woman when he was in his early 20′s because she got pregnant. She already had two children from two other men- a boy and a girl. He stepped in as their father, and now has two of his own biological children with her. 7 years later they have divorced, originally agreeing on joint custody and other things. Once the divorce was final, about 8 months ago, things started to get crazy. The accusations started out mild, progressing to worse and worse each time she didn’t get what she wanted- full custody and CHILD SUPPORT. Now she and her mother have accused him of sexual abuse, going to different counties in our area and claiming it has happened in many different places, and alleging awful and sick things in those reports. They have done their best to try and alienate my brother and his family from the children. Doing things constantly that have caused emotional harm to the kids. Its so sad. Of course now, my brother is being investigated and we are all fighting like mad to clear his name. I can’t understand how a person could do these things. Make up horible lies and try to ruin someone’s life. This one definitely has apersonality disorder. Possible multiple. She has always been a pathological liar and a very negative, unhappy person. I am almost convinced she could be a sociopath as well. Very scary for my brother and the children. I am just hoping it ends well for my brother and the children.
I have been through over a year of prolific false allegations from my wife during our divorce and custody battle and I think I can contribute with a few points I have learnt. There is little point in recounting the specific alleagations or my personal situation in detail but rather comment on the whole system generally.
0) Women make false allegations for reasons and you must understand the reasons. In my case there were two primary reasons. First, she wanted total and absolute control over our child to secure another relationship, thus I had to be removed from the equation. It sounds clinical but be it. Second, false allegations are used to make the other persons life difficult simply as a tactic to punish someone you now dislike or hate intensely.
1) Some of my wife`s alleagations were not simply malicious. I suspect she actually believed some of them. They did of course lack any objective logic but women whomake false allegations sometimes actually believe them and convince themselves they are true. These are the most dangerous allegations as she could be very convincing as she honestly believed them.
2) Nonetheless, most false allegations are simply driven by anger and rage and women win hands down in the false allegation department as the entire system is set up to protect women. There are obviously many woman who do need protection but this creates a situation where the whole system can mitigate against men who are innocent. My wife was very clever and she skillfully used the entire spectrum of the social services and the criminal justice system to make life difficult for me. I would be curious to know how the social services benchmark their sucess or productivity.
3) The only way for the state to control these allegations are to make consequences dependent on actions. If a woman makes false allegations she should be punished in some way and should know this before hand. My wife simply had nothing to lose as the social services showered her in attention and the police facilitated her attempts to file criminal charges against me. Again, I understand why this is done i.e. to protect vunerable women but it leaves the system open to abuse. I ended up having to spend time and money to refute them and even when my wife was found to have knowingly and/or recklessly made false written statements to the police she was not prosecuted as anyone else would. I attempted to initiate a private prosecution to recover costs which failed because the state prosecutor simply said under the stress she had become confused. Thus it is a no lose situation for those who make these allegations. There appears to be engrained attitude in the social services and police that this is just par for the course and everyone lies in these situations. The judge in our custody trial appears to assume that people lie in these situations and thought nothing much about it when found out.
4) False allegations can become a vicious circle for the accuser. My wife lost most of our friends as she attempted to drag them into the dispute . The more friends she lost the more isolated she became and the more allegations she made out of anger as she was convinced that somehow I was engineering all of this. Thus a reinforcing circle can occur where less and less people begin to believe an accuser and so more and more serious allegations are made.
5) The social services are mostly staffed, I hate to be critical but it is my experience, by women who lack the professional ability to act of their decisions or instinct. If a woman alledges that her husband is an axe-murderer and has made threats agains her then they feel sympathy towards them and are also worried that the husband might be an axe murderer and they arent going to risk their jobs in case the husband does kill the wife with an axe. This leads them to reverse the normal standards of proof and effectively require the husband to prove he isnt an axe murderer. And disproving something conclusively is next to impossible to do. This is why the social services are used by those who make false allegations. It is free and versatile weapon for women to vent their rage and it only requires one phone call.
My experience suggests the following solutions for dealing with women who are making false allegations against you. (I keep saying women as I know men do it as well but my experience is with my wife and that is all I can commen on)
1) You have to deal with false allegations calmly which I realise is nearly impossible to do. A person who is falsely accused, especially by their spouse, reacts instinctively and is usually upset and say and do things which they later regret. It is terribly traumatising to hear the person you spent a long part of your life with you to claim outrageous things against you but you have to remain calm.
2) Dont repeat the allegations! I cannot stress this enough, it is absolutely vital that this rule is obeyed. What normally happens is that my wife would make a new false allegations and I would ring up my friends in frustration to talketo them and say something like “you wont believe what she said now….” However, all you are doing is spreading the allegation. Your best friend will tell his wife and his wife will tell her friend and so on and it will ripple outwards into your social group. And whilst your best friend will know you what is said is false those further out wont know and your reputation will be damaged. “there cant be any smoke without fire” etc.. often people cannot simply believe that a woman would make up stories. So never repeat them leave your wife to repeat them for you. You see if you say “I am not a thief” to my friends it is fundamentally different (I studied law) to your wife saying “he is is a thief” to a third party. She is likely commiting defamation whereas your denial simply spreads the story. Dont do your wife’s dirty work for her. Keep repeating to yourself that it is next to impossible to disprove allegations conclusively so dont try!
3) Deal as little as possible with any social services agency of any kind, see the above comment, as you are likely just to enter a Kafaesque McCartyite world where you cannot win. My experience is that the police and public prosecutors are better simply because they require proof and by their nature false allegations have no proof. Demand that your wife goes to the police – I know it can be risky and messy – with all her allegations. This can (a) make her pause and think about it and (b) can force her to make significant errors. In my situation my wife submitted false evidence and lied on her statements to the police and this led to great difficulties for her. Whilst she was not prosecuted for these the police obviously viewed everything she said from there on skeptically and I got a letter from the public prosecutor clearing me of her allegations and refusing to prosecute me. This is quite powerful as the social services have someone to pass the buck to and they will begin to then doubt other allegations.
4) The most critical weapon to counter false allegations is credibility. You have to undermine the credibility of the person making them. The is vital to do as you are likely never able to counter the allegations as most cannot be disproved. Thus never respond to alleagations ask for proof. If your wife claims you were violent towards her, never ever say “I never touched you, I was never violent towards you” What you say is “can you please provide proof, any witnesses, any hospital visits, any allegations made at the time before the divorce/child custody battle began. IN mediation or the social services keep repeating and emphasising calmly that there is no proof. Under pressure the wife will likely bluster and falter. By using this technique you push the burden of proof back to her.
5) When there is “proof” it can get difficult. Those who make false allegations frequently distort normal every day occurences. So if little Johnny falls off his bike and skins his knee or bangs his head then this can become the basis for claims or neglect or abuse. So claims can be made that “why didnt Johnny have his helment or, where you surpervising him property etc..etc.” And this is the most fertile ground and dangerous ground as you can start to look guilty. A normal event that would be dealt with by the parents jointly now becomes a major problem for one of them. My wife used this tactic frequently and to great effect as I rationally tried to explain what happened to her and or the social services and this was a very bad mistake as most childrens incidents and accidents occur because of minor faults of the parents. If a child falls down a stairs it is because there may have been no rail, if a kid gets cold or wet when out playing ball it is because someone forgot to bring a jacket etc..etc.. The point is normally both parents are raising a child together and know these things happen. However, if one parent – the father in this case – has his child for a weekend or holidays or whatever then the game changes completely. My wife would frequently question our child when she picked him up and poor child would innocently recount ordinary events and these would be the basis for new false allegations. Innocently my responses would be along the line of look things happen, kids fall or yes this one time I forgot to put his helmet on. The fact you put his helmet on 999 previously does not matter. My wife would go running off to social services or the doctor, she actually had a excel sheet of her allegations which she submitted monthly. After a while I realised it was pointless to even respond to her so I ignored her completely. This of course only made her angrier but it left her in the diffiuclt position of having to use our child’s version of events as evidence if she wanted to and of course his version was much more innocent. Eventually most people realised what she was doing and whilst she has not stopped she has lost much of her credibility.
And that is the final piece of advice – a false accuser will, if given enough rope, hang themselves if you avoid reacting to the allegations and ignore them as much as possible. The anger they feel will make them either make more and more bizzare allegations or simply trip up and be caught telling blantant lies and lose credibility.
” I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word in reality. This is why right, temporarily defeated, is stronger than evil triumphant.”
-Martin Luther King