A New Year Story: Father and Son
The following post is written by “Funky Monk.” Like many of you reading this, he married a woman who became emotionally and physically abusive toward him and their child. He asked if I would publish this on New Year’s Eve as a message of hope to everyone who is feeling trapped, alone and lost.
As I write this, I am lying in my bed on New Year’s Eve with my 13-month old son asleep in his room adjacent to me; and there is no where else in the world that I would rather be.
On June 18, about a day before Fathers’ Day, my now soon to be ex-wife viciously assaulted me after a heated argument. Her assault ended when she pulled a 12-inch knife and held it threateningly over her head as if to stab me.
Whatever her intentions were, I called the police, but only to make a point. I hung up before they picked up the line and immediately left the house as I was not safe with a crazed woman lurking about. Our son was asleep throughout the whole incident.
I took a walk around the neighbourhood and headed back home in about an hour, not realizing the hell that I was living since it had become normalized to me.
The wife was asleep when I returned. I watched TV and went to bed around 2am. At 3am, I heard a knocking at the door. It was the cops had arrived to investigate my 911 call. I immediately told them all that had happened, including the knife-pulling.
They could see from my multiple wounds that I had been viciously assaulted. They went upstairs to speak with the wife and found not a scratch on her. They saw that she was the culprit and ended up charging her with two counts of assault with a weapon (she had also stabbed me with a fork) and one count of assault.
Like a naive fool, I begged the officer not to take her in because I didn’t believe I could look after our then 7-month old son. I offered not to press charges, but it was a matter for the Crown and I had no say in it.
After they took her in, I slept for about an hour and remember waking up hoping that it was all a nightmare, but it was not. This was the first time I was the primary care-giver for our son and I was very unsure what to do or that I could manage. I remember him waking up at 7am and smiling at me, at which point I finally broke down in tears.
The next day at court, I naively expected to be reunited with the wife after she posted bail, but the courts advised that we must be separated until her hearing date and stipulated that she must leave the house since she was the offender.
As I was working full-time and had no experience caring for our son, I offered to leave the home so the wife could care for him, assuming that she would plead guilty to her charges on conditional discharge and we would be reunited again to work through our problems. So I packed up my bags and headed to my sister’s home for what I thought would be a short-term stay.
On June 29, the wife’s first court date, she did not enter a plea, which effectively kept me out of my house and away from our son. On July 15, I found a divorce attorney and on July 24 I filed for divorce.
By this time I had come to realize that I had been living in an abusive marriage and, after betraying my trust by keeping me out of my house and away from our son, I knew that this woman could not be trusted. The problem was that I had left the house, which effectively gave her exclusive possession and primary care. However, my lawyer was able to get me back in my home on weekends to spend time with our son.
During my weekend visits alone with our son, I discovered a whole new world of paternal care. I found that caring for our son was a joy and not a chore, as the wife had made it out to be. And, for the first time, I actually felt at peace in my own home, not walking on eggshells for fear of an argument or worse. I knew that this was what fatherhood was supposed to be.
On August 10, the wife finally pleaded guilty to all charges, but by this point I had come to realize the full extent of the abuse I had suffered over the last 3 years and could not conceive of going back to her. Sometimes, one must be away from the abuse in order to realize that one is being abused and that is what happened with me.
Over the next few months, I maintained my weekend visits and grew more accustomed to single-parenting. I was becoming a more confident father and enjoying it much more than before. Meanwhile, my wife was entering a downward spiral because she could not cope with single-parenthood, as I had been doing most of the mundane aspects of child-rearing that she now had to take on.
In September, I moved to my cousin’s home because the drive from my sister’s place to my home was becoming prohibitive. I was biding my time and waiting for the next court date, October 19, when my wife was supposed to have her financials submitted. I was hoped that would flesh out the final living arrangements and custody issues.
On October 5, during one of my visits home, I found a very disturbing letter penned by the wife, blaming me for “leaving them,” saying she is “empty inside” with the last line being the most chilling:
“October 19 is when we will disappear, this is what he wants.”
I immediately showed this letter to my lawyer and we obtained an ex-parte motion to remove our son from her care and have me back in my house. Incidentally, this took place on my birthday, October 13.
Since then, I have had sole custody and primary care of our son, along with exclusive possession of my home while she has supervised access to our son only. Her fitness as a mother is now dependent on psychological assessments, which I am not sure she is carrying out since she still has hope that I will let her back in my house.
I think she suffers from some sort of personality disorder at the least but, whatever it is, she cannot be around me or our son, at least not unsupervised. I currently have him enrolled in daycare and, although life now is more hectic, it is much more enjoyable and I am at peace in my own home. I actually look forward to coming home now.
It has been over 6 months since our separation, so I have 6 more to go before the divorce is final. Although I will take a financial hit, it won’t be that bad since my assets did not accumulate much during our short 3-year marriage (thank-you global recession).
We have a large mortgage (most of my money is in my condo, which she cannot touch) and she made quite a bit of money, especially in 2009 when she was laid off from her banking job and cashed out her pension plan. So she will probably get one-tenth of my assets rather than one-half. But regardless, there is no price too high for peace of mind and a loving family, which our son and I now have.
So I wish you all a very happy 2012, with my personal resolution being to leave my anger in 2011, along with my hellish marriage. I resolve to regain myself in 2012 while showing my son that kindness is not the same as weakness, and that some people may take advantage of it as such. this is a lesson I learned the hard way.
Happy New Year everyone and all the best in 2012!
Happy New Year, to Funky Monk and his son and to the men and women who come to Shrink4Men to share and receive support. Onward and upward.
Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:
Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.
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Beautiful story, all the best to you and your son. It’s nice to hear a happy ending!
Thank-you Confusicated, hopefully it gives men in similar situations hope for a better future!
It definately gives me a tiny bit more hope, thanks.
“I resolve to regain myself in 2012 while showing my son that kindness is not the same as weakness, and that some people may take advantage of it as such. this is a lesson I learned the hard way.”
I too have learned this lesson the hard way.
Wishing you all the best, good health and a prosperous 2012 ahead.
Yes hammurabi, it is a tough lesson to learn, and I must often suppress my natural instincts to give in to my feelings of pity wrt my ex-wife, but I know now that doing so would only allow her an opening to inflict more abuse.
Funky Monk
She knew that she could play with your natural ability for sympathy and empathy. In her case your sympathy would only be pathological to her. It will enable her to be a victim. Very sick use of sympathy and empathy when you think about it. The Cluster B’s don’t need sympathy and empathy, they need an iron fist or you feed the beast.
They remind me of this crazy garbage can in an amusement park we used to go to when I was a kid. It was a lion. When you put your garbage in his mouth, he said that it was delicious and he wanted more. We got a kick out of him and ran around looking for more garbage to feed him. The more you feed him the more he asked. After awhile, I thought he got rather demanding, and I got tired of looking for garbage to pop in his mouth in the 90 degree heat. He wouldn’t stop so I just walked away not really liking him after awhile. I could hear him keep asking for garbage non stop after I walked away.
The same goes with a Cluster B, the more garbage you feed them the more they want. They are like machines and could care less if you are running around like a nutcase on a 90 degree day sweating your head off to do it either. Don’t feed the beast.
Hi FM,
“kindness is not the same as weakness”…great story!
You guys are not alone – not in a long stretch! Our thoughts are with you and I wishing you and your son a happy & prosperous 2012!…I am glad you took the right step when it counts the most
Happy New Year to the S4M family!!!
Yes manofhonour, I stayed in the abusive marriage constantly hoping that things would improve when she got pregnant, when we had a baby, etc. But not only did things not improve but they actually worsened as we achieved these milestones. I even naively hoped that things would improve when she was charged with the assaults because I assumed she would plead guilty and get the help she needed (for our family’s sake), but she showed her true colours by not only keeping me from my home, but also by keeping me from my son. Only then did I realize the true nature of the beast and resolved to take appropriate actions.
Blessings and good future to you and your wee man, Funky Monk.
Thank-you kiwihelen!
“Sometimes, one must be away from the abuse in order to realize that one is being abused and that is what happened with me.”
I’m so glad that the laws protected you from her, and gave you that chance to get out of the fog, to ‘wake up’ and realize that it was not normal. Makes me wish the laws in the states were more aware of and willing to protect all abused spouses in such a way…knowing how easy it is to beg for them back (a la’ Stockholm Syndrome) and endanger ourselves and children even more than before. Good for the Crown (I assume this took place in the UK??)!!
Our State laws, however, DO have this statute (as of my divorce in 2008): “Where one spouse intentionally brings cohabitation to an end by misconduct which renders the continutation of the marital relations so intolerable that the other spouse is forced to leave the family home, and former and not the latter is the deserter and the latter may obtain a divorce on that ground.” Bark v. Bark, 1960 258 Minn.46,102 MS 2d.526 Divorce 37(22) under # 15. “Desertion”
The situation cited stated that the wife left due to the husband’s insistence on the son and daughter-in-law living in the home. This was referred to as “constructive desertion” on the husband’s part. Ask your attorney about desertion laws in your state / province.
I can imagine that being abusive / threatening / putting your child’s well-being at risk can also be construed at constructive desertion.
It’s worth a try….
Happy New Year – May 2012 bring all you need, if not all you want
Hi GirlInside,
Actually my case took place in Canada, in the same jurisdiction that a now-infamous case regarding Elaine Campione occurred — in that sad event she ended up murdering her two daughters in the perverted attempt to keep them away from her ex-husband, who was about to be awarded custody. When the judge saw the letter penned by my ex-wife, there was no way that she would have the blood of another child on her hands, so custody was promptly transferred to me.
I do not like to use the word ‘lucky’ in this case since it minimizes the deaths of the two girls, but things may not have progressed for me as they did if the Elaine Campione case was not in the public eye at the time.
Thanks to those who have commented and especially to Dr. T for agreeing to post my piece.
I had been a long-time reader and fairly recent poster to Shrink4Men and had found this site to be invaluable in affirming my decision to leave my hellish marriage behind, despite pleadings to the contrary that it is better for a child to grow up with both parents. I noticed that many men on this site stay in abusive relationships because they have that same mindset, or fear that they will lose their children. To that end I asked Dr. T to share my story of liberation, that I wrote a year ago back on New Year’s Eve of 2011 — I had recently moved back into my home, along with my son, after 4 months being away from him, and this was a form of closure for the entire ordeal. I want men to know that there is indeed hope for a better life and that not all the cards are stacked against us, although one must perservere and stick to one’s principles (and a little luck doesn’t hurt).
Just to fill in the blanks over the past year, the divorce is still not finalized since my ex-wife has yet to submit her financials, but my son and I are doing well and enjoying our lives togther; he turned two over a month ago and will be moving up to the pre-school room in his daycare since he is progressing so well. I like to think that the stable & nurturing environment now provided to him has a lot to do with it, but one cannot know with full certainty how he would have progressed if his mother was still living with us; incidentally she still is allowed only supervised access, up to three times a week, when she can find supervisors.
Thanks again for the kind comments and I wish you all a very happy & prosperous 2012!
Nice one mate.
I wish you more wonderful times ahead with your son. He’ll read of your story one day and his respect for you will be a reward you’ll both share.
Excellent stuff.
Thanks Dr. F,
I often wonder if my son will resent me for “splitting up the family” or thank me for protecting him from the abuse that his mother would eventually inflict upon him; I guess only time will tell…
Your son will not. Not ever.
It’s been conclusively shown time and time again that the child who grows up in a single parent family will always look well upon the parent if that parent consistently does not ‘bad mouth’ the other absent parent.
In other words, if you talk to your son about your ex wife without emotional inflection or derogatory language you can be sure he’ll work it all out and you’ll be ‘the worlds greatest dad’ for real.
Mark my words Mr Monk I am right, and I’ll wager Dr. T agrees with me all the way.
Hi Funky Monk:
The answer to your question about your son being upset about you breaking up the family can easily be reframed to tell him the following. Good Mothers and people don’t pull knives on people and stab them with forks. I left because we deserve better. When you put it that way, no child in their right mind would say, geez Dad why didn’t you stay. You saved him from a living hell.
I had a BPD Cluster B father that was no where near as evil or bad as these women are, and I wouldn’t have minded if he left when he wanted to when I was a kid. The Cluster B’s are not fit to be in society yet alone be given the title parent. Without a doubt you did the right thing.
I am a bit concerned that you question leaving an abusive women and think that on some level she might have been a good parent when she clearly isn’t. If she was so interested in your son’s welfare she would have turned the finances in by now, and gotten help before you left to tame her inner wild beast. I suspect she will tire of it all and move on making herself out to be the victim. If so, consider yourself very lucky. Your son will only be a pawn in her psychodrama anyway.
“The answer to your question about your son being upset about you breaking up the family can easily be reframed to tell him the following. Good Mothers and people don’t pull knives on people and stab them with forks. I left because we deserve better.”
Or, you could even tell him about the letter if necessary. The fact that he might not be alive today had your wife retained custody and followed through with her threat would be enough to convince any child that his dad did the right thing.
Definitely should wait till he’s old enough for that one though…
Horrible story but a very fortunate outcome for you and a very rare case for men trapped in an abusive marriage. Physical evidence is the only thing that saved you and perhaps the Barrie Police were repentant about their own involvement in the Campione murders and the DV charges against Leo that kept him away from his children for so long. The Barrie Police, Courts and Children’s Aid were complicit enablers of Elaine Campione.
My opportunities to enjoy time with my children where restricted while I was still married. I was often interrupted with a chore or corrected in some way. Anytime she left the house and I was alone with the kids was absolute heaven compared to when she was there. I didn’t have much intrepeditation with taking care of newborns, it was much less hassle than the temper tantrums of an adult child.
I never called the police on her but Children’s Aid and the Courts didn’t care when she admitted that she hit me and had a history of mental illness. It’s all about the best interests of mothers.
Hi Denis,
I should make a minor correction that my case actually occurred in a jurisdiction south of Barrie, in the northern part of the GTA.
Yes, the physical evidence was definitely the impetus for my ex-wife being charged as opposed to me, but I am still grateful to the attending police officer who took the time to counsel me, take pictures of my wounds (including the knife wound and fork-stab wound) as well as give me a vote of confidence that I could care for my infant son.
And I totally hear you wrt the parenting experience being much more enjoyable without the wife around: now I can care for my son without having to look over my shoulder for fear of reprisal that I am doing something wrong!
Speaking of the Campione case, the DV charges laid against Leo were based on mere allegations by Elaine (that were eventually stayed), which resulted in his daughters being kept away from him for a time; meanwhile, my ex-wife was still allowed to maintain primary care of my son after she had pleaded guilty to DV charges against me. Only when she penned the note implying harm/abduction to my son was custody changed to me, and I do not think even that would have occurred without the precendents set in the Campione case.
It is further disheartening to learn that the judge in the Campione case still painted Elaine as the victim, even though the jury had already found her guilty — you may find a thoughtful editorial of the verdict here: http://www.thestar.com/news/article/890839–dimanno-taking-aim-at-a-grieving-dad
What an absolutely beautiful story. I’m so very happy for you! Being a survivor of two psychopathic males, I’m very much a believer that not all men possess those traits and are, in fact, abused as well. I often hear male bashing from some forums and this place is a place of peace for me in my belief that good men are still out there. Your son is a very lucky little guy with your love and care for yourself and for him. God Bless you and I hope this following year brings you much more of the peace you are experiencing now! Thank you to all of you here who so courageously share your stories. I learn so much from them.
Thank-you for your kind words katie!
Happy New Year Funky Monk. Your story is inspirational. I so identify with you. My wife has not used a weapon on me yet but I understand. I’m very happy for you and your son. Being a Dad is not easy. I thought having a kid brother I changed a lot of diapers on would make it easier but it is not. You are making the transition well.
To be honest, being a single father is a lot easier than being a parent while married to a abusive spouse: at leaast now I only have one child to deal with, and he is not psychotic or violent!
I understand that too. I am very confident I would transition well. It is both more challenging and more rewarding than I could have imagined.