Relationship Stages, Abusive Women and the WTF Moment, Part One
What is the WTF moment?
Oprah and her minions talk about having an “a-ha” moment or a defining moment of wisdom that you use to change your life.
It is my belief that men and women in abusive relationships often have the WTF moment when they see behind an abusive partner’s mask for the first time. The WTF moment can be just as defining as an a-ha moment, in that it can be a critical point in an abusive relationship.
The WTF moment is when the non-abusive partner, typically after weeks, months and sometimes years of love bombing, hoop jumping, guilt, manipulation, obligation, fear, self-doubt and blaming and shaming tactics, has a moment of clarity. It’s when you finally realize, “Wait a minute. Something’s wrong here, but it isn’t me.”
Having the WTF moment should be enough to help most people realize they’re in a relationship with an abusive, unstable and possibly sociopathic individual and that you need to end it. However, if you have codependency issues, rescuer tendencies, and other attachment issues, the WTF moment is only the first step of your journey to freedom and emotional health.
Most intimate relationships go through approximately 5 stages, which include:
- Honeymoon
- Power struggle
- Re-evaluation and identity formation
- Re-commitment
- Acceptance
The WTF moment typically occurs during the second stage, the power struggle. Most relationships with abusive personalities don’t seem to progress past the third relationship stage of re-evaluation and identity formation, no matter how long the relationship remains intact.
During the first relationship stage, the honeymoon, you tend to view a new love interest through rose-colored glasses. It’s a time of infatuation and mutual idealized projection. Their idiosyncrasies are cute and attraction and passions run high. You focus on all the ways you’re alike and ignore pesky differences.
You may have unrealistic expectations that your new love will be able to meet all your needs and desires and vice versa. Biochemically, your brain is awash with dopamine, testosterone and endorphins, which elevate mood, increase sexual desire and create an overall sense of well-being. In other words, you may not thinking straight nor seeing things and each other as you are in reality.
You may focus exclusively on each other to the detriment of other relationships. This is when a sense of “we” develops and boundaries may become diffuse. There’s often lots of laughter, flirtation, playfulness, sexual desire and a compulsion to reveal everything about yourself to your love interest and learn everything about her.
The honeymoon phase is temporary and lasts anywhere from 2 months to 2 years. If a strong enough bond develops during this period, a couple is more likely to be able to ride out the power struggle stage.
Many relationships don’t last beyond the honeymoon phase, however. Some people are more in love with falling in love than they are with the actual person. They seem to be addicted to the feel-good sensations, novelty and other blissful illusions. They lose interest and move onto the next person who makes their hearts go pitter-pat after the idealization and positive projections stop and the rose-colored glasses are removed.
If you have a history of becoming involved with abusive, sociopathic, high-conflict and/or personality disordered individuals, the honeymoon stage is the most dangerous time for you. This is when you have the “good times” that you cling to later. Emotional predators add to the to the idealization and mutual projections by intuiting what your needs, desires and fantasies are and giving it to you. It’s when you’re the most vulnerable to love bombing and other high-pressure tactics to make a binding commitment.
Warning signs and other red flags are often minimized, rationalized away or ignored during this stage. The good feelings, intense sex, pleasing behaviors and adoration can be so powerful and addictive that it may make it very difficult for you to end the relationship once you have the WTF moment and see behind your abuser’s mask.
Once you enter the FOG of fear, obligation and guilt, you long to go back to the pink cloud of the honeymoon phase, but that never happens. You may see glimpses of the honeymoon behaviors if your abusive partner senses you’re about to make a break for it. This is often when the abuser tries to hoover you back in by engaging in many of the same behaviors she used to reel you in during the honeymoon stage.
The hoover is temporary. It is nothing more than a tactic to avoid abandonment and/or to get you back under the abuser’s control.
The second relationship stage is the power struggle phase, which can last indefinitely. Your brain chemistry returns to normal and disillusionment, disappointment and conflict may arise. It’s when reality hits the fan and is when the WTF moment is likely to occur.
Many of the positive attributes you both projected onto each other are withdrawn and you see each other more clearly. This is when the negative projections begin if you’re involved with an abusive personality. In other words, you stop being the most wonderful man ever, and become the recipient of her twister-roo “You” statements.
You’re selfish. You’re insensitive. You’re angry. You’re mean. You’re a cheater. You don’t care about anyone else’s feelings except your own.
She projects her negative qualities and misbehaviors onto you and expects you to carry them for her. This is when you may both look at each other and exclaim, “You’ve changed!”
The reality is most people don’t change. You’re the same. Maybe you’ve started leaving your dirty underwear on the floor or started to drink directly from the milk carton again, but you’re still pretty much the same guy you ever were. An abusive personality, however, does change.
The fantasy Dr. Jekyll personality diminishes and Ms. Hyde surfaces and takes up residence. For example, the intense sex and pretending to be interested in football stops, and Nasty McCrazy comes out to play.
As your real identities emerge and your differences become apparent, problems arise. An abusive personality often sees these differences as a betrayal and/or a personal attack. Instead of adapting and realizing that everyone has little quirks and irritating habits, she will punish you for not living up to her fantasies and not meeting all of her physical and emotional needs.
Many couples break up at this point if their differences can’t be resolved. Other couples ignore their differences and engage in distancing behaviors, which may foster resentment. Alternately, an abusive partner may begin the process of bullying you into submission.
This is when the struggle for control over you begins in earnest. For example, an abusive partner sets forth an unending series of hoops for you to jump through with the empty promise that she’ll go back to the person she was during the honeymoon phase if only you can successfully jump through all of her hoops and navigate her shifting landmines. Sadly, many men and women fall for this lie.
If you’ve coupled with a healthy individual, this is when you start to merge your friends and families. If you’re with an abuser, this is often when she will try to isolate you from your support system.
For a healthy couple, this stage is also when the real relationship work begins. The partners learn how to adapt, to build trust, to listen, to solve problems, to resolve conflict, to make compromises and appreciate one another’s differences — or at least accept them. In this respect, the conflict during this stage is healthy as both partners figure out their roles in the relationship and helps them separate from the enmeshment of the honeymoon phase.
High-conflict, abusive and/or sociopathic personalities aren’t capable of compromise, give and take, and conflict resolution. It’s her way or there’s hell to pay. This is the stage when the abusive personality’s control issues become evident. Minor differences and disagreements elicit disproportionate rage or emotional withdrawal. Blaming and shaming tactics start and then it hits you.
The WTF moment.
Please check back next week for part two.
Shrink4Men Coaching and Consultation Services:
Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.
60 Responses to “Relationship Stages, Abusive Women and the WTF Moment, Part One”
Comments
Read below or add a comment...
Follow Shrink4men
Where in the World
Subscribe to Comments
Affiliate
I not only remember my WTF, I remember hers.
My WTF moment came a year after she declined my marriage proposal and had moved across the country. We were still a couple on paper. She was back for the holidays and staying at my house. We were asleep when my eyes popped wide open and I said to myself, “It’s over. We have no future.” I didn’t think it was possible to be so close to someone and feel so distant from them. Suddenly, my house wasn’t big enough for both of us and it seemed like I couldn’t get far enough away from her.
Her WTF moment came over a year later after we had broken up and she was back on her second hoovering run. A few weeks earlier, she had committed her fatal mistake of admitting she might come back to town and settle for me. At our first meeting after that, she said I semmed different. I told her:
(1) I didn’t trust her anymore and would never let her get close to me again.
(2) I was looking for something and when I found it, I was gone and not to make long term plans for spending time together.
(3) I was convinced that I would never get what I wanted from her and the time I was spending with her could be more productively spent finding her replacement.
Until I read this, I kind of struggled to describe the look on her face after she heard it. WTF?! describes it perfectly.
Let’s remember we are men first and foremost. We suffer, sure. This is not surprising, considering the weapons high-conflict women, social stigma promoting such behaviors, a biased and impersonal legal system etc etc.
But we didn’t come this far to just whimper like children. Forget about her. Wounds will heal. Don’t let others continue to label you a victim. Get control of the situation!
(this isn’t meant to disparage Dr Palmatier’s work. Not at all. In fact, it was this site and others that allow one to see through the mist).
For me, there were a few WTF moments. The first happened only a few months into our relationship when she presented me with our “life plan” and she became quite upset when I told her that this was something we should have talked about before she made our plans all on her own. And when I said I could not realistically achieve some of her plans…she became more upset and called me selfish and withdrew. After a few days…she dropped it all but a couple months later she kept saying that I “owed it to her” to realize her plan. Even though she was very loving, very sexual…within 48 hours of making plans for a romantic weekend getaway…she dropped me for another guy. It devastated me that she moved on so quickly. So coldly and harshly. True to form…she came back 4 months later wanting to get back together and stupidly, I got back on the roller coaster for a few more months before I finally ended it. Now after almost a year of recovery and reading and listening to Dr. T and Shari Shreiber…now I know better that I was not to blame for her erratic behavior. I too was obsessed in trying to define her with having BPD or NPD or whatever. But as Dr. T stated on her last posting…abuse is abuse. When you see the WTF moment…embrace it…and start walking away because it will only get worse!
I came back too. But I was the one who initiated the seperation/divorce in that I filed soon after I was arrested. She claimed that she only wanted them to talk to me.
Its always the same thing. No responsibility for their actions or consiquence of the action.
Can you give some advice on how to re-pull the trigger? I’m in a tough situation in that I don’t really have steady income because I’m building a business and it’s not always steady. My plan is to wait but I can’t handle it. I really have no place to go.
The really weird part is how, after a period of time, I became used to the weird behaviorand questioned what i was doing so wrong that caused it.
I am embarrassed to admit that had it not been for the intervention of one of my XW’s sisters, imploring e to divorce her sister, my wife, I may have stayed even longer than I did. It was this sister that made me see that I was not nuts.
I have the WTF moment all the time. Her lies about her actions example, she threatens me all the time to call the cops. She actually has 3 x, 1 time resulting in an arrest for something I didn’t do.
Every threat is “I’m calling the police and telling them I feel threatened”. The township knows me thanks to her and if she did hit me (again) they would take her side, defacto.
She has me at a disadvantage from the start, with councilors, law, people, etc. That advantage she has is that I take pain medication for a legit medical reason. So anyone who doesn’t know me, automatically thinks I’m an addict because, and that is really hard to deal with. Paints me in a corner from the start. People look down on anyone who takes pain meds.
But I need them to be able to work and function, otherwise I’m in serious pain in my stomach and back. 6 years ago I had my large intestine taken out and still suffer from irritable pouch syndrome
and 2 herniated discs. I’ve been hospitalized a few times since the surgery. Everyday I’m in the bathroom 14+ times. So I’ve had to build a business to have the freedom to be in the bathroom, as it is hard for employers to understand.
My clients, friends, kids parents who know me, see that I work real hard building a thriving business, and knock on wood it is thriving. It is because I do put so much effort into every facet of my industry.
I rarely ever sit on the couch and watch TV. If I do it’s to develop new strategies and promotion, or read industry related stuff.
You would think a spouse would be more than happy, and give their spouse the space needed to meet deadlines, network, create, etc. NOT HER.
It’s always when are you going to spend time with me, you don’t tell me I’m beautiful.
Your a Drug addict, Your a Drug addict, Your a Drug addict, Your a Drug addict, .
I’ve tried so hard to build a business so that she doesn’t have to work. So not appreciative of anything
Hi all, firstly I would like to say, as many have before THANK YOU! Dr T. I read and listened to your description of a WTF moment, I am currently feeling a wave of relief, a loss of guilt, confusion, depression, frustration but mostly understanding. I know what I am dealing with, I read and listened to your articles yesterday and last night for the first time recognized her behavior for what is was, manipulative guilt laden bullying, emotional dumping. Again this morning the irrational “every morning you skive off to work leaving me to deal with “daughter” — hang on I only go to work at 9 am two days a week, the other two I start at 11am. I have changed my practice hours to suit her because she is “so busy”. I am meant to come home after work and “use my initiative” and get our 4 year old daughter showered into her PJs brushed teeth put to bed, do the dinner dishes and sometimes its the breakfast lunch (if her friends have been around) baking dishes etc to do so she can have “5 minutes peace to herself”
I thought whats wrong? What did I do? I know our daughter isnt the “F%^&ed in the head B(&^h” Im told she is (and that is while our daughter is 3 feet away), why cant she manage? Am I expecting too much? Should I do more? How much more? Do I sell my soul?
I am now sitting with this fresh almost euphoric state. I can see ahead, I can see a road to walk, I am now creating an exit strategy, preparing, I know how to deal with this person to save my daughter and myself.
Sincerely, I thank you.
Ps dont start me on alienation of family, she has made me feel guilty about ringing my other daughter in Australia and travelling to see her too or having her stay with us.
I sat a looked at a picture of her and realized that I was nothing but a means of blame, hate and a way to get what she wanted. Her dog was treated with more respect than I was. I was nothing but something to serve a purpose…I remember looking at the cell phone at her feet, in the photo, and feeling that I meant less to her than that piece of plastic on the ground. my heart sank and I just collapsed.
Just what I needed to read this morning! There are many men like myself that had the wtf moment years ago. Navigating through separation, divorce illness, economic recover all the while having to co parent without any support until I found you Dr Tara! I am all done being the victim.
Dr Tara, – thanks mate.
This article that flowed out of your pen is a cracker isn’t it ? Reading it as I did just now I knew I was in for a treat and you didn’t disappoint.
Thankfully I surgically removed myself from a spider’s web of mood swings that swooped cold to warm in a blink and the violence served to me.
It was many years ago now, and I remember my WTF moment came as I looked in the mirror at the red ring around my neck. She had given it to me moments before when she grabbed the back of my shirt and violently pulled it back as I was walking out the door to see some friends that had dropped off the radar.
There I was, no friends, a red ring and the sounds of a screeching woman pounding on the bathroom door.
I just stared at myself staring at myself and the fog was sucked right out of the room forever.
I tell you this guys, if the spell breaks it’s not like a fridge and get it repaired. Game over chums. Get the h e l l out I swear it and you will not – repeat – not – look back with indecision ever again.
Tara, again, thank you. You really are an acre of gems I tell you.
After Reading this article most of us will think this is what happened to me , it is so obvious now. Why didn’t I do something at the time ? I suppose I didn’t have the courage to leave , didn’t want to be alone like Dr. T wrote. We are wiser and stronger but men only get one chance if we have kids. Hopefully we will make much much better choice the next time and we have been hardened by a terrible experience.