Crazy Bitch the Musical! The Abusive Woman’s Script and Why She Won’t Be Different with the Next Guy
Why did she treat me so bad? How can she move on to the next guy so quickly? What does he have that I don’t have? What if I’d only done this instead of that ? What if I’d said x instead of y? Did she ever really love me? She says she’s never been as happy as she is with the new guy. Why couldn’t she be happy with me?
Being in love with an abusive, high-conflict and/or personality disordered individual can do a real number on you. Whether you were together for 5 months or 25 years — it doesn’t matter. An abusive partner can undermine your confidence, destroy your self-esteem, damage your career, damage your other relationships, and cause a host of other detrimental physical and emotional symptoms.
Many men are unable to move on after ending a relationship with an abusive woman. They ruminate, obsess, and replay the relationship over and over again in their minds, trying to make sense of what happened and what they could’ve done differently to live “happily ever after.” If you are stuck in this painful place, you need understand one thing:
There is no happily ever after with a high-conflict, abusive personality disordered woman. The only happily ever after is if you get the hell away and stay the hell away from her and get on with your life.
If your abusive ex has cut you loose and moved onto her next target/unsuspecting victim, she has done you a huge favor. Here’s one more thing you need to understand:
She will not be different with the next guy.
There is one caveat to this statement, but I’ll get to that later.
Men and women who follow Shrink4Men frequently remark upon how similar the abusive behaviors described in the articles and comments are. Do you have a camera in my house? It’s like you’ve written the story of my relationship! To me, these similarities are most likely indicative that there may be a personality disorder at play, because the similarities are so striking and uncanny.
It also means her crazy and abusive behaviors aren’t personal.
It wasn’t you. You didn’t make her crazy. You didn’t make her be abusive. You can’t fix her or love her to health and wellness. Love does not conquer all and it certainly isn’t the cure for narcissistic, sociopathic, histrionic and borderline behaviors and disorders.
I repeat, the abuse wasn’t personal. You were just an object. A prop in the scripted reality psychodrama she has going on in her head, in which she’s the long suffering victim/heroine and you’re the piece of s—-, loser-villain. She is engaging in repetition compulsion. And, if you have a pattern of getting involved with Crazy, you’re probably engaging in it, too.
If you’re still having trouble understanding and/or accepting that your partner or ex is not going to magically transform and be wonderful with the next guy, hopefully, the following simile will help. Think of your wife, girlfriend or ex as a Broadway play — Crazy Bitch the Musical! Perhaps this comparison is puzzling to you. What does my ex have in common with a play?
There are shows that have been running on Broadway for decades. For example, West Side Story has been in and out of production since its premiere in 1957. The actress who played Maria in West Side Story 50 + years ago isn’t the same actress on stage today.
Even though the actresses and actors have changed, the story and the story’s ending haven’t changed. The voices are different. The delivery is different, but it’s the same song and dance every performance and the same ending; Tony dies and Maria cries.
Relationships with abusers are similar in this respect. Think of your abusive ex or current partner as Crazy Bitch the Musical! or The Ice Queen Cometh or Entitled! or I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change. You’re just another hopeful up-and-comer cast in the role of hero/rescuer/knight in shining armor/undeserving villain/screw-up/loser to her victim/waif/queen/I’m too good for you and you don’t deserve me/”fiercely independent” diva. You get to have your turn on the boards and so will the next guy and the next guy and the next guy, but it’s essentially the same damned script over and over again.
If your wife, girlfriend or ex was a Broadway play, it might go a little something like this:
Congratulations! You’ve been chosen to play the romantic male lead, Tom Dickenharry, to the female heroine, Mimi* Furst, in the stage production, Crazy Bitch the Musical!
Act One. Mimi Furst is the beautiful, fragile damsel in distress. Her dad was abusive. All of her boyfriends and husbands were abusive, but Tom Dickenharry is different. He’s special.
No one has ever been so kind to Mimi. No one has ever treated her so well. She’s never felt such a strong connection to a man before. She never went to bed so quickly with a man before (wink, wink, nudge, nudge). Tom is her true soul mate (as opposed to the 7 other soul mates she dated before him). Tom will show Mimi that not all men are jerks and he will treat her with such love and tenderness that she will learn to trust and love again.
Mimi and Tom embrace and share a passionate kiss as the stage lights dim and the curtains close.
Act Two. Mimi Furst and Tom Dickenharry get married after a 6-month whirlwind courtship and welcome their first child into the world 9 months later, Goldie Furst-Dickenharry of the Golden Uterus matriarchal line.
Alas, Mimi’s love begins to turn into contempt. Nothing Tom does is right. He works too much, but doesn’t earn enough money to support Mimi’s spending. Mimi refuses to get a job to help with the finances even though Goldie is enrolled in school full-time. Mimi reminds Tom he pwomised to take care of her and protect her from having to deal with reality and adult responsibilities.
In a futile effort to win back Mimi’s love and adoration, Tom buys a house he can’t afford. He buys her a blinged out SUV even though they live in Miami where it doesn’t snow and Mimi only travels 1.6 miles to Goldie’s school and the mall. Tom works longer hours and takes care of Goldie when he comes home at night and the household chores because he has no idea how hard it is being a stay at home mom.
Mimi claims Tom doesn’t love her and accuses him of having affairs when he gets caught in traffic and arrives home 10 minutes late from work. The harder Tom tries to make Mimi happy and prove his love, the more unappreciative and cruel Mimi becomes.
Act Three. While Tom is fixing Mimi’s computer, a message alert pops up. Tom recognizes the name and his heart sinks. He discovers that Mimi’s been communicating on Facebook with ex-soul mate and abusive jerk #1, Joey Suckah. Tom reads messages from Mimi to Joey in which she describes Tom as abusive, cruel, lousy in bed, uncaring, cheap, and a terrible father. Mimi writes that she never stopped loving Joey Suckah and that it is his touch and his touch alone that makes her feel alive and if only there was a way for them to be together.
Heartbroken, sad and angry, Tom confronts Mimi about her affair with Joey. Instead of responding with remorse and contrition, Mimi erupts. She lashes out at Tom.
Who does he think he is?! How DARE he read her private emails?! Mimi accuses Tom of being a paranoid, disgusting, perverted creep who has trust issues. How DARE Tom violate her privacy!? It’s Tom’s fault Mimi had to turn to another man. Mimi screams she will never be able to trust Tom again for finding out about her extramarital affair.
Tom reminds Mimi of all the horrible things she told him about Joey Suckah when they first met and fell in love. Mimi snarls in rage that she never said any such thing about Joey and that Tom is making it all up. She exclaims Joey is a real man and if Tom doesn’t watch his mouth, she will take HER daughter and leave him and he will never see Goldie again.
Tom begs. Tom pleads. Tom apologizes to Mimi for being angry she is having an affair. He promises to work harder to give Mimi “the lifestyle she deserves.” He promises he’ll go to therapy to fix his trust issues. He promises her the world, if only they can go back to the way things were. Mimi smirks and says nothing. End scene.
Three days later, Tom arrives home from work to see a police car in his driveway. The officers tell him he is to collect his personal belongings and that he needs to find another place to stay. You see, while Tom was at work earning money to provide for Mimi and Goldie, Mimi went to the courthouse and obtained an emergency protective order because she is “afraid” — even though Tom has never been violent toward Mimi nor has he ever threatened violence. The police tell Tom he cannot be anywhere near Mimi or Goldie and recommend that he get an attorney. Dim lights on Tom and police.
Stage lights on Mimi and Joey Suckah sharing a romantic dinner. Mimi tells Joey that her dad abused her. All of her boyfriends and husbands have been abusive, but Joey Suckah, aka the new Tom Dickenharry, is different. He’s special.
Rinse. Wash. Repeat. The End.
Mimi may not marry or have a child with the new Tom Dickenharry, but her script will play out until she is once again “the victim” and her new Mr. Wonderful is Mr. Jerk. There are different variations to this tale depending upon the individual Crazy script, but it is a script. This kind of individual casts you into a role that has nothing to do with who you are in reality. You will be force fit into the role of villain once you’re in love and securely attached. It’s only a matter of time.
The only way this script changes is if this kind of woman becomes involved with another abuser. Then she really will be victimized instead of play acting the role of victim. Did your rescuer impulses just switch on while reading the previous sentence? If so, put your noble steed back in its stall and lower your lance.
There’s nothing an abusive professional victim loves more than being victimized. Do not try to rescue her from a real abuser.
Instead, let the two of them cannibalize each other, stay out of it and get on with your life. If you share a child, gather evidence to show the court that the mother is endangering the child by exposing him or her to an abusive environment. But whatever you do, do not get in between the two loons and their “love.”
* Thank you to whenthescapegoatquits for the double entendre, “Mimi” (me me), the perfect name for a female narcissist.
Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:
Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.
85 Responses to “Crazy Bitch the Musical! The Abusive Woman’s Script and Why She Won’t Be Different with the Next Guy”
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Hi all. I’m new here. I had a relationship with a woman who has a pattern of being “the victim” and she fits the borderline description to a tee. It led to my incarceration, she ruined my reputation and forced me out of my career field. I’m in a court ordered program but it really is a load of dung. Irony is the word of the day, every day, and has been for 2 years. I want to know what can be done about it. My trial was a farce. She knows how to play people and the system. Everyone tells me there is nothing that can be done, that she can just keep on ruining my life, and whatever other poor sap lands in her crazy. It truly is disturbing how much people tell me cliches that are essentially telling me not to stand up for myself while at the same time telling me that she was wrong. Is there anywhere that is attempting to track anyone who is a “serial victim”? I’ve been told stories of people who serially sued businesses for some faked reasons and only by happenstance got caught, and this seems kind of similar. And please don’t give me the line about she’ll just wind up getting herself hurt and living a poor life.
Thanks
If you can prove that she is lying and has set out on a campaign to destroy you with her lies via the DV/LE/court system, you might want to consider suing her in civil court for a large sum.
You should not turn the other cheek with these types and them, being their miserable selves, is not punishment enough, in my opinion. If you have the facts and the ability and resources to put together a strong defense, you should exonerate yourself and expose her for the sociopathic predator that she is. For this, you will need to find an attorney who knows how these people operate and how to both neutralize and hang them with their own rope.
If you don’t have the resources, it is probably best to get as far the hell away from her as you can, stay off her Cra-dar (Crazy Radar) and quietly go about rebuilding yourself and your life.
Kind Regards,
Dr T
I’m so glad I found this website. I’ve spent the last 3 years dealing with someone who completely turned into this after our child was born. I’m glad to know that i’m not crazy.
Welcome, to S4M, Rich. I wish you didn’t need to be here, but glad you found us if you’re in a relationship with an abusive woman.
Going thru the divorce right now. Had 5 good years together but she completely changed 180 degrees after our daughter was born, coincidently she did the same thing with her 1st husband after their child was born. Last 3 years have been torture. Looking back now I notice all the telltale signs I chose to ignore or thought I could make better. I realize that she truely does have a disorder & there’s nothing I can do to help her because she refuses to see it.
Reading the articles & the comments from other people here reassures me that I’m not crazy or alone in dealing with this. Sometimes it’s hard to explain to friends what you’re dealing with because it sounds so unbelievable. The articles on this site have really helped me when dealing with some of her episodes.
Rich, believe it or not, IMHO, you’re already halfway there (back to sanity/serenity). You’ve recognized the problems, you’ve gotten out of the relationship, and perhaps the most crucial of all, you know you’re not alone/crazy. Keep coming back.
I found you guys on line and am glad I did. I thought for a second I was going crazy! I was one month from my wedding when she left, siting all kinds of mistakes and character flaws I had: I was a cold fish, I had lied to her, I didn’t make her feel loved, I didn’t tell her she was beautiful everyday, I didn’t stand up for her. Stuff that had come up over the course of our relationship, but had been addressed, and the next day, or days later she was fine, back to happy & loving. It seemed like something trivial would come up once a month that she would blow up over it. It was never that hurt my feelings, or why’d you say or do that, never a calm discussion, it was always nuclear war, we’re breaking up, you’re not who I thought you were, we’re not good together, etc. And she rarely apologized for her actions, it was always me or something I did.
This was our reconciliation too. We were together a year before, I did some stuff that she said was a deal breaker, we split, but even before that, she was online dating and texting guys while sitting next to me on the couch thinking I didn’t know! She went right into a relationship with another guy for 4 months. When it didn’t pan out, she came back to me. At the time I didn’t know of her condition, so I agreed to try again. 6 months later here we are again. She left a month ago based on all these “reasons”, yet wouldn’t let me try to fix or change anything. I now know that she was just using them as excuses to jump to another guy yet again! I’m trying to distance myself from her, but anytime we converse it turns into what a scumbag I am, all the horrible things I did, she’s so angry at me, etc. I no longer participate in her tantrums trying to defend myself, I know it’s useless.
After doing research and reading a lot of things on here, I’ve determined that this is normal for her, this is her pattern. She needs to be angry at me, needs to think I’m a terrible person that’s wronged her. And of course she did nothing wrong. Just like when I found incriminating evidence where it appeared she had cheated on me a couple times before, her response was incredible. I had violated her trust, no wonder people cheat on me because I’m such a cold fish, she wants passion, blah blah blah. There was no remorse, no guilt, nothing to suggest that she had done something wrong. Actually when I pressed her, it triggered a huge fit of rage and a physical confrontation.
And to think I had been worrying about how horrible I had been treating her, how I haven’t been giving her what she needs, what I can do to change myself to be a better person to her.
Thanks for listening all.
Hi Dr Tara,
I can’t tell you how much this website has helped me over the last few months. Thank you.
My ex girlfriend treated me really badly and then quickly left me for another man. Its wouldnt have been so bad if she didnt throw her new relationship in front of me at every oppertunity and then asked me to be ‘friends’ with her.
Eventually i chose to up sticks to another city (I move back in a few months for a teaching course but dont worry I wont be living near her!) and broke contact with her. She was angry when I told her I was leaving, everything to shame and guilt me into staying put and being her lapdog. I knew it was for the best but she hurt me so badly. Using her family against me, telling me that her young daughter hated me, calling the police on me ect…
What is stopping from moving on is that she will be different with the new guy. My friends, family, shrink all tell me the same thing! Even your telling me!!!! and I can’t accept it. I know the new guy is out with her and her young daughter having the fun we used to and I feel terrible. Like he has all the good parts and none of the horrible stuff. People tell me thats shes still using other men behind his back and she will NEVER change but I just cant seem to move past this. Why? The rational side of my brain is fighting with the tormented side. Hope that you can give me some words of hope. Thank you.
Scott11,
That is my exact problem too! She went right to another guy, even before she was moved out of my house I think. I don’t understand how she does that, I know I can’t. I would feel differently about us being separated if she was single too. I wouldn’t be happy that we were apart, but I would understand more, us both taking time, hurt, etc.
I think it may have to do with her needing to fill the emptiness inside her, to quiet her abandonment issues, someone else to tell her how great & pretty she is, to make her feel good about herself. She likes to say & post on her Facebook that girls like me don’t stay single for long, like it’s a good thing. When in all actuality it’s true, but I think it’s more of a need on her part, she can’t be alone. She’ll latch on to the nearest person that feeds her ego or makes her feel good about herself.
I totally understand your pain though!
Scott11, welcome to the group. I have experienced a couple of times what you recently went through. For some reason, I’m attracted to these kind of women. Now that I recognize their archetype and MOs, and that its not just in my head but that these women are evil & deivant & ill, it helps me avoid them.
Why do you keep going back? Perhaps its low self esteem. That was part of the reason for me to continue going back again and again and again. Instead of beating ourselves up though, its often more productive to accpet you were a victim of devious devices and a sociopath…and to forgive yourself for any adverse decisions you made or for even ignoring red flags (or even what I can ‘red banners’ the blatantly obvious signs).
I guess in a way we’re like recovering alcoholics; we’ve been beaten down & downtrodden due in part to our decisions, and so we collectively support each other here in our ‘recovery’ and to avoid sliding back into these relationships…
If you haven’t already, check out the Doc’s original article on this topic.
•Will My Emotionally Abusive Girlfriend or Wife Be Different With the New Guy? (September 7, 2009)
Hey agstaff,
Sorry to hear about your experience. How far out of the relationship are you and how far do you think you’ve come?
I know what you mean. Before I was in a relationship with her she would jump between men for a really short time. I would tell her to take a step back and focus on her daughter. She never took the advice. She told me that she wanted to be with me and we very slowly starting seeing each other, I thought she needed a good and stable person in her life and I could be that person, I resisted her for so long but she saw my weaknessess and took advantage when I let my guard down….I have myself to blame for this.
Hi Mellari! I have read that. It gives me alot of strength when I feel down, I guess I just miss the good times and dont want to believe that she could ever be so cruel to me after telling me she loved me.
Scott11,
I’m sure lots of people here will kick me in the ass, but we originally broke up last summer, in which she immediately went to another guy. I even found out she was online dating while we were still together, texting/emailing guys while I sat next to her on the couch. And you guessed it, when I brought it up I was the one that was in trouble somehow.
Either way, she was with the new guy for about 4 months, she later told me she was unhappy after 2, but stuck it out. We started talking and eventually got back together. At that point I was unaware of her condition and she actually had me convinced that it was due to my insufficiencies and mistakes I’d made when we broke up.
We were planning our wedding and were a month from getting married when she basically lost her mind, drug up a bunch of mistakes I’d made over the course & my supposed shortcomings, wrapped them all up together in a nice little bow and dropped it on me. Same issue as before, I think she was talking to this other new guy before she even left, just used the issues as an excuse to leave. It’s been about a month since she moved out. I have good days & bad days still. My bad days consist of me missing the good times with her and the bond we had, the good days are when I get pissed thinking how dare she abandon me for someone else & not even have the balls to tell me. Although I realize it’s part of the condition, she really thinks I am this horrible person that severely wronged her in her mind, and she has nothing to be blamed for.
I wont kick you in the ass, although I wanted to kick myself in the ass a few times. Like most abusive relationships with these women your story is very close to my own and even closer to her ex husbands before me. We go back because it feels so special with them like it would be impossible for anyone else to make us feel like they do but its only a matter of time before they go looking for someone else to fill their needs.
They cannot stand to look at themseleves so when we get too close and we see the other sides of them they cannot stand it and need to start fresh with a new victim. I wish I could see this clearly but I guess I’m not out of the fog yet. Be kind to yourself and heal my friend. You are not alone in this.
Yeah I’m still attached too, even after knowing all I know this time. And instances like what happened yesterday don’t help my situation. We had to exchange keys and some things that we left at each other’s places. Her new boyfriend was at her apartment so I was just supposed to let her know when I got there and she would come down. She hugged me twice, for a long time, when I first got there and when I was leaving. The second time she told me she loved me and that she missed me and misses us. If that’s true why aren’t we together?! Telling me stuff like that messes with my head, even knowing all I do now.
Great article-great site. At 50, I thought I’d seen it all. I hadn’t A CLUE. Contacted on FB by an old girlfriend from college, I went to see her and thought we were picking up from a love I should have taken to the altar 30 years ago. Well, either I never really knew her like I thought I did (NPD’s are apparently masters of masks) or life had changed her ENTIRELY into a madwoman. Still lovely, she looked very much the same.
She was NOT the same person I remember. Looked the same, sounded the same; but her actions quickly went from the sweet loving adoring girl of my college memory to…well, everything I’ve been reading about at this site. Gaslighting, verbal abuse, and then came the violence.
Strangely, after six months of the worst nightmare of my entire life (and I’ve seen some things) I still can’t shake the memory of my college sweetheart and connect her to the horror I’ve just dealt with.
Sadly, there were a number of personal family tragedies that slammed her in a row after we met-none of which, however, were my fault and all of which I tried to stand by her through-to the point of physical and emotional exhaustion-only to be cheated on, discarded, attacked, and then fed a plate of “I’m going to dinner with so and so, and so and so invited me to his hotel for the weekend, and so and so is sleeping over but he’s just friends of the family-and like, OKAY- why is she telling me this to plant suspicion in my head and then act outraged when I complain or question her?
Brutal, is all I can say. Simply brutal.
The reason these disordered women feel so “abused” by everyone is because they expect their close ones (significant other, even their own children) to coddle their every need and shield them from adult responsablities. They expect to be the center of attention and to be adored and take take take giving nothing in return, cherished no matter what they themselves do. They expect to continue to live consequence free, to summarize, they expect to be treated just like a baby by their close ones. Their every need met. Of course, its impossible to carry this through 24/7 for a grown adult. People can mangage to keep up the energy for this for 1-2 years for a real baby, not perpetually for the next 80 years for a spoiled adult abuser. But that’s just what these abusers expect. They expect to be treated as babies. They demand it. How dare their bf/spouse/children not treat them as such! They feel entitled to such treatment. They feel its ABUSIVE not to be treated this way (like a baby with no responsability, consequences, adored and coddled no matter what without boundaries). That is why they cycle through relationships, characterizing each successive one as “abusive.” Their relationships abused them by not accepting their crap unquestioningly..by not satisfying their exorbitant, endless needs. Well, no one can satisfy an adult with baby sized needs, ego, entitlement.
So Ginger, you’ve apparently met my ex.
I agree, ginger. However, I would add that aside from wanting to be treated like babies, they also want you to respect their “superior intellect”. At least babies and young children are likely to recognize your authority. With a PD woman, you get an entitled, coddled adult baby who also expects you to take her seriously. It’s not a very attractive proposition for other adults.
Just try imposing a boundary on them and watch what happens. They will invariably go ballistic and throw a tantrum. Just like a toddler would in the terrible twos. The crux of their disorder is their self-centered stance that they remain operating in life as though they were still babies, despite being grown ass adults.