81 Responses to “The New Face of Borderline Personality Disorder: Mary Richardson Kennedy Abused Her Husband and Children and Committed Suicide as a Final Act of Revenge for Perceived Abandonment”

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  1. knotheadusc

    Wow… Excellent article, Dr. T. Unfortunately, I see shades of familiarity in it.

    • Dr Tara J. Palmatier

      Thanks, knotheadusc. It’s a sad situation. Some of the S4M FB followers seem to think I’m excusing RFK Jr’s infidelities. I don’t condone them, but if what he wrote in his affidavit is true, I can understand them. I also understand how stuck, trapped and afraid men and women who are married to/share children with abusive, personality disordered individuals feel.

      They have their own issues, of course, too. People who remain in abusive relationships have reasons for doing so, and they’re usually pretty unhealthy. Then there are the fleas from being in an abusive relationship that people develop on top of whatever the original issues were that caused them to be attracted to their abuser.

      As I just posted on the S4M FB page, the reasons I chose to write about this are:

      1) I think the case is a good illustration of how the perceptions of friends and family can get twisted:;

      2) that even powerful, famous men like RFK Jr can be the victims of DV;

      3) that women perpetrators of abuse come from all social strata – just like their male counterparts;

      3) society’s reaction to this story -many people have a tendency to excuse female perpetrators and blame male victims; and

      4) RFK Jr, whatever his issues may be (perhaps this was a NPD/BPD pairing – don’t know) is getting a raw deal in the press.

      How many men who follow S4M have had their worlds upturned because of smear campaigns and false allegations of abuse and PAS?

      How many of them don’t have the financial resources to fight back?

      RFK Jr’s affidavit was 60-pages long. 60-pages of highly detailed abuse. I don’t think he’s making it up, and I think it takes a great deal of courage for a man to publicly own this kind of stuff. Men with far less social status, power and money are too humiliated to ever admit they’ve been abused. So like the guy, hate the guy, or be angry at him because he’s a “cheater” because you were once cheated on — that’s not what this story is about. I think coming out publicly took guts — especially because of his troubled past and affairs.

  2. Verbal

    Mary Richardson Kennedy was certainly off-the-charts BPD. Does it appear that the revelations contained in the affidavit released by Newsweek have in any way quelled the chattering among her apologists?

    • Dr Tara J. Palmatier

      Nope, they appear more incensed than ever and are threatening to cancel their Newsweek subscriptions. They’re also now saying RFK Jr is a sleazy character assassinator who is being disrespectful of the dead.

      Meanwhile, if the genders were reversed and he was Roberta Kennedy, she’d be be the new DV celebutante poster girl/heroine going on Oprah’s Next Chapter.

      • tallwheel

        The circumstances of this high-profile case may turn out to be very unfortunate to the cause of creating better awareness of BPD and its destructive nature. So far it is creating mostly sympathy for the deceased allegedly PD individual. Even if her sympathizers believe that she had a PD, they will argue that it should have been treated earlier, or in a different way. They won’t recognize the treatment-resistant nature of BPD. If creating awareness is one of the causes of this site, then unfortunately this case is likely to only hurt that cause in the public sphere.

        I do think it is good, however, that you wrote this piece, Dr. T. We may never know for sure of the accuracy of the claims in the affidavit due to the ugly conflict it came out of, but this side of the story also needs to be told, as much as possible. Your experience puts you in the perfect position to analyze the allegations in the affidavit and verify whether they are believable and accurately depict the actions of a woman with BPD. If this affidavit is an accurate depiction of what transpired, then this woman surely was a toxic individual who deserves little sympathy, regardless of whether or not we can condone Bobby’s behavior in the relationship.

        • Dr Tara J. Palmatier

          According to the articles I read, MRK was in counseling for many years and was diagnosed by both a therapist and a psychiatrist with BPD in 2006. That was 6 years ago, more than enough time to get some real treatment prior to the divorce and suicide.

          Diagnosing an individual with a personality disorder can be difficult for several reasons:

          1) PD’d individuals tend to lie/minimize/blame others/portray themselves as victims to therapists. They can be very proficient at playing the sweet, injured party and as such, are able to fool a lot of people, even well-trained therapists.

          2) They often refuse to acknowledge their problems, blame others and drop out of therapy once the therapist starts to recognize the real issues and tries to make the PD’s behavior the focus of treatment.

          3) Many therapists, even when they strongly suspect/believe the individual has a PD, do not give them the diagnosis for a variety of reasons.

          Even if half of RFK Jr’s claims in the affidavit are true, MRK was an incredibly disturbed and abusive individual. I am sorry she was in so much pain, but I am even more sorry for the people who loved her who were on the receiving end of her violence and insanity.

          • Kay

            I’m dealing with a less extreme form, but still disturbing nonetheless, as a couple who are likely NPD/BPD are making my life miserable at the moment. It fits the descriptions I keep reading on this blog: DARVO, trying to destroy me for speaking up, etc. etc. Basically, as people keep saying about BPDs, it’s like they’re following the same script….My husband and I both wonder: Do people like this act this way on purpose, or do they think they’re somehow justified, doing the “right” thing?

            • Mellaril

              Have you checked out

              •Is a Borderline or Narcissist Woman’s Emotionally Abusive Behavior Premeditated? (April 13, 2009)

              I think this one also relates:

              •Do Narcissists Feel Remorse? Bernie Madoff Says, “F-ck My Victims!” (June 7, 2010)

  3. FancyNancy

    You know what’s so sad? My aunt, who was angry at me for going against her in her divorce, threatened to commit suicide if my Grandmother (who raised me) didn’t write me out of the will a few days before she died. She didn’t get her way entirely, but she did succeed in changing the will and taking away the heirlooms previously promised to me and getting additional things for herself. She has always threatened or made suicidal gestures whenever she wanted something or to avoid accountability. I read this article and there’s a part of me that just wishes she would do it already. I’m sure this woman thought she was going to finally “show” everyone and be the victim she always longed to be, but I would speculate that her loved ones just drew a great sigh of relief.

    • Cousin Dave

      Interesting point, FancyNancy… given Mary’s past history of threatening suicide to get her way, I wonder if she only intended this to be another episode meant to throw a scare into Bobby. It would be a kind of Greek tragedy if the suicide was acting-out that went bad. I’ve read that some BPDs commit suicide when their past actions catch up to them, and I’ve wondered about how often they really meant to kill themselves, and how often they only meant to act out but carried it too far.

    • Dr Tara J. Palmatier

      Hi FancyNancy,

      And welcome to S4M. I’m very sorry to read the pain and chaos your aunt has caused.

      I suspect that, even in their grief, there is some relief, which probably causes them to feel even more guilt. I hope they’re all in therapy.

  4. Dr Tara J. Palmatier

    Just added this to the original copy:

    Bobby and the family housekeeper found her hanging in the barn; her last angry and emotionally manipulative act. No one should have to see something like that. Mercifully, the children did not, but in her blind selfishness, self-inflicted pain and self-pity, Mary does not seem to have considered the children. In fact, she seems to have been more interested in proving what a bastard she thought Bobby was to the children and the world than staying alive for her children and choosing to fight to get well. One wonders what she told the children about spending time with their father? Did she accuse them of abandoning her, too, as so many alienating mothers do?

    I know some of you re-read the articles and don’t want to gaslight you! ;)

  5. katrey

    How very sad for both Bobby and the children. I am a grown child of a BPD who committed suicide. I am glad that the Kennedy’s have the resources available for the children and Bobby to get the help that they need in order to overcome this highly destructive situation. For all those out there that have “survived” a BPD, there is help for you, seek it and heal, you have been more affected then you realize.

    • Dr Tara J. Palmatier

      Hi katrey,

      Thank you for registering with S4M. I am very sorry to read what you went through with your mother. I can’t begin to imagine the kind of pain and chaos you must have lived through. Your advice is excellent. Survivors of these individuals very much need to focus on their own healing.

  6. exscapegoat

    Well, I’m not saying he did everything right. For example, talking about her demons during her funeral, fighting the family on the burial spot. But it was her circle who came out swinging from the start, with “friends” giving interviews about how the divorce devastated her and led to her downward spiral. My guess is her family has something to hide. BPDs usually get that way due to early childhood trauma.

    He first filed for divorce in 2010. She’s had a couple of years to adjust to the idea. I know friends who’ve gone through divorce, sometimes unexpectedly. But they’ve managed to get through, even when they’ve been cheated on and lied to (some of the friends who’ve been cheated on and lied to are men, btw).

    As for the cheating? Well, dude was married when she met him. I know there are sometimes shades of gray in that type of situation, but I would regard it as a heads up. It astounds me how many people try to blame his cheating for her killing herself. If that line of reasoning were true, how did his 1st wife not only manage to survive, but per the affidavit stayed on friendly terms with him? An argument over that resulted in one of MRK’s physical assaults on RFK Jr.

    What’s really astounding is what’s on the public record alone.

    1) Not one, but two arrests for impaired driving. Her defenders tried to claim the courts let her off because it was prescription meds for one. I’ve had to take some prescription meds for insomnia/anxiety. Maybe it varies by state, but per the research I did on them, one should either skip driving altogether or be very careful. Because you can still get DUI/DWI even if it’s prescription. Not to mention the safety factor.

    2) The police had to be called for domestic disputes. In one incident where she called, she was so out of it she couldn’t clearly articulate to the police why she called them. In the incident where he called, she was out of it.

    3) He tried to take her for psych help and she jumped out of the car.

    Here are the news articles:
    http://www.boston.com/ae/celebrity/more_names/blog/2010/05/wife_of_robert_f_kennedy_jr_ch.html

    http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/police-reports-reveal-robert-f-kennedy-jr-mary-kennedy-history-domestic-problems-article-1.1085176

    Never mind all of the allegations in the report. IMO, this alone is enough to raise some serious questions about the children’s safety. Yet thanks to Golden Uterus Syndrome pretty much every story I’ve seen about this has comments yabbering on about what a cruel, cold, heartless person he was to take the kids away from her.

    WTF was he supposed to do? Let her kill them in an impaired driving accident or run them over like the dog? Or an Andrea Yates or Leisa Jones style murder/suicide? He may have very well have saved their lives by limiting her access to them. But few want to acknowledge that because it challenges our society’s Mother Myths.

    • tenquilts

      I thought it was her children that were fighting with regard to the burial site, not Bobby. Bobby is getting blamed for SO much of this. To read the opinions of some, he paid off the housekeepers and the psychiatrists to create an elaborate tale of falsehoods. And if anyone tries to point out what you said – that she was documented as being drunk and disorderly – they blame her behavior on his infidelity. I’m with you – she got pregnant while he was still married to wife #1; she had fair warning of his character. The comments on the Newsweek article have me sick to my stomach. Women saying they’re “not fooled” by the media spin, that the “poor woman” was “driven” to this by his trying to keep his own money away from her and taking his kids away. Others saying that she must not have been that crazy if he went back to have so many kids with her, and even others saying that they know people with BPD and no one could call them such complimentary things as Mary’s friends and relatives did.

      Still, what I think is the worst travesty is that there are STILL courts which refuse to recognize what BPD is when deciding custody. There are STILL judges who will give primary custody to the mother unless a father can come up with compelling reasons not to – which almost requires that every man worried about having a relationship with his kids create an affidavit like the one unsealed to write this article. If the judicial system would just catch up and examine both parents equally – ability to earn a living without support from the other, stability, testimony from friends/family, mandatory psych evaluations, examinations of arrest reports, drug tests, and testimony from older children – before determining custody then maybe dirty laundry would NOT be necessary to air in public.

      • exscapegoat

        That’s a good point. I don’t know if it’s the kids or RFK Jr. who wanted her buried at Hyannisport. I think given the situation, her family’s not going to feel welcome at Hyannisport, so they won’t get to see their sister’s grave. I had thought that at least if she was buried where her FOO wanted, her kids could see the grave without impediment, but I’m really beginning to wonder now, given the way her family’s been acting.

        I agree with you, it’s scary how even RFK Jr. had a hard time getting custody. Can you imagine what it would be like if he didn’t have that kind of money and influence?

        As for the money issue, the woman had a degree in architecture. She’d done renovations to her own home to make it greener. Why not a “green” home consulting business? With her background and connections, she’d have a chance of making some money from it. The kids are between 10-17. So they were old enough for her to start working outside of the home. I know women in middle age who had to start all over again after divorce as grocery cashiers or fast food workers, being paid minimum wage. She had a hell of a lot more options than most displaced homemakers do, yet she squandered them.

        I saw the comments about how no one would say anything complimentary if she really had BPD, such as the complimentary comments Kerry Kennedy made about her. First off, anyone who’s dealt with a CB knows they can control it. It’s behind the closed doors the mask comes off. Secondly, what was the woman supposed to publicly state about her sister-in-law? Especially right after the death?

        • tenquilts

          Agreed. I have yet to see that RFK Jr. or Kerry supplied any information or photos to the author *for the purpose of this article.* Author Laurence Leamer is a longtime Kennedy biographer and would have had access to almost all of the information and photos without cooperation from the family.

          IMO, mental illness is not a mitigating factor in an act of violence against yourself or another, it’s a GIVEN. I hate when people claim it as a defense. I’m not sure I can name one person who intentionally killed without being mentally unstable. But what’s interesting is that Mary’s proponents seem to think that it was noble and gave her the last word – that you should “respect the deceased” and “let her rest in peace” but tear apart the living, grieving man in the same breath.

          The double standards are appalling.

    • FancyNancy

      He was MARRIED when she met him??

      Why am I not surprised.

    • Dr Tara J. Palmatier

      I agree with you 100%, exscapegoat.

      Love the Kennedy’s, hate the Kennedy’s, RFK Jr protected his kid. And, YES, there are many children who need to be protected from their mothers. I wish society would wake up to this fact.

  7. tenquilts

    I love how those most opposed to this are accusing Bobby of character assassination and media spin. Where is the indication that it was Bobby who was behind this document reaching the press? I think it far more likely it was an underpaid court employee wanting the money, or someone who loved Bobby (girlfriend or child or staffer) who hated to see him victimized because the world didn’t know what he went through. If it was Bobby then it is very, very poor taste. But it still doesn’t excuse Mary’s behavior. I do not understand why there are people out there claiming that he drove her to drink and mental illness and suicide, but that it’s a ridiculous assertion that she drove him to infidelity. When are people going to be responsible for their own behavior?

    I hope the children get the help they need. I’m sad to think that even if, one day as part of the healing process they share the truth about their mother, people will say it is just the Kennedy influence making them lie. There are people for whom denial is a very comfortable place to live and they become irate at anyone who threatens to take that away.

    • Dr Tara J. Palmatier

      I love how those most opposed to this are accusing Bobby of character assassination and media spin. Where is the indication that it was Bobby who was behind this document reaching the press?

      Great question, tenquilts, and who cares if it was RFK Jr’s people who released it? If I were being publicly vilified like that, I would want the truth to come out whether or not my abuser was alive or dead. Furthermore, the affidavit was written almost a year before MRK killed herself and he appears to have written it to get protection for himself and the children, which is EXACTLY what a responsible loving parent does.

      I never said I believe RFK Jr is a saint. Don’t know him and don’t know MRK. His accounts have been corroborated by several people who knew both of them, however. The reality is, unless you have firsthand experience with BPD/NPD, most people just can’t wrap their minds around the human horror show that goes on behind closed doors.

      • exscapegoat

        That’s what’s so sick, people get caught up in the appropriateness of “speaking ill of the dead”, thay’re not even concerned if the accusations are true or not. If they are true, and they do sound consistent with the behavior of someone with BPD, then RFK Jr. and the kids from both marriages were abused. To me, that’s a far bigger issue and concern than speaking ill of the dead.

        Some of what he’s alleged should be fairly simple to verify. The conversations with the doctors, for example. The email to her family where he asks for their help in intervening to get her assistance. The arrests for her driving under the influence, the police calls to the home.

  8. Micksbabe

    Excellent article. Interesting that Mary Kennedy met all 9 of the 9 criteria for BPD. Unfortunately, she is not unique and so many men (and their children) are suffering from viscious women like Mary Kennedy. It just happens that MK is famous (by proxy).

    The BPD sympathists clearly have never been on the receiving end of the BPD’s “suffering” wrath.

    • Dr Tara J. Palmatier

      Thanks, MB. I agree. People who have had the good fortune not to have an abusive personality disordered person in their lives, just don’t have a clue. They’re ignorant, frankly, and, in my opinion, re-victimizing RFK Jr and his kids.

  9. lifeonborder-line

    As usual stellar break down and analysis. I see a lot of my own relationship in this situation. Thankfully I have no kids from a previous relationship but I’m the scapegoat for that relationship. This is the epitome of a NPD/BPD couple. I never thought I would identify with a Kennedy, definitely not Bobby Jr but I was wrong.

    • Dr Tara J. Palmatier

      Just because RFK Jr isn’t a saint (and who is?) doesn’t negate the abuse he suffered. I would love to know more about why he stayed and why he kept having kids with her after he saw behind the mask.

      I suspect, like many of the men and women here, he held out hope that she would go back to being the woman he fell in love with and get better.

      • exscapegoat

        My guess would be a combination of Hoovering & oopsing. Though it is possible since his FOO was so large and his father’s FOO was so large, he wanted a large family too.

        Also, not to stereotype, but my family is of similar ethnic/religious background. I don’t know how much is cultural and how much is personal or just people in general, but there’s a real resistance to therapy or even admitting anything’s wrong. Instead, people deny, self-medicate and/or seek refuge in religion. Anyone who doesn’t deal with it those ways tends to be labeled a wimp and over-sensitive. Some tv series which have dealt with this include 30 Rock (Jack & Colleen) and Rescue Me (all of the Gavins).

        Plus from what I’ve read about his FOO, it seemed like things completely fell apart after RFK Sr. was killed and the kids were pretty much left to their own devices. Plus a lot of golden child things going on in that they were above the law for many things because of their influence and money. That’s pretty chaotic and confusing for a kid. He may not have realized it was unusual or abusive.

        I’d be interested in hearing directly from him and his kids (if they so wish) about how they realized it and how they coped with it.

      • lifeonborder-line

        I agree. Anyone can be a victim of abuse. It is terribly depressing and enlightening that even with the resources of a Kennedy and getting BPD treatment it still resulted in a very bad outcome for Mary and the survivors she so selfishly used. Once I came to terms with how bad things were with my situation the desire to have more kids died. I definitely fall into that camp that the woman I fell in love with will trump the woman who emerges from the dark place to hurt me when she feels abandoned.

        I strongly identify with the sentiment of how Bobby Jr viewed the relationship. The situation and problems are not near as extreme in my marriage but the same pattern and underlying feelings, good and bad, are there. Like Bobby I have done actions that damaged the relationship but not as extreme. Most of the damage was done by minor things being blown up into major things via the way that BPD suffers decide to turn the whole situation black.

        I fall into that camp that the woman I fell in love with will get better or I will figure out a way to make it bearable and not damaging for my children.

      • John

        Hi Dr T I guess with the general public perception of all PD’s that once they’re diagnosed there is no hope, well at least for most PD’s!

        Your statement struck a cord with me that there probably was a part of their marriage that was entirely normal, I feel for them all ….

        cheers

  10. director17

    Thanks for an enlightening article Dr. T.
    I’m curious what the 9 criteria happen to be for BPD.
    Thanks.

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