Music Mondays: Rearview Mirror, a Song about Leaving an Abusive Partner in the Past
On the Shrink4Men Forum, we have a music board where members post videos and lyrics of songs they identify with as a result of being in a relationship with Crazy or having been in a relationship with Crazy. For many individuals on the forum, music has been both a means to cope and heal.
Starting this week, I’ll be posting a song and lyrics every Monday that I think is representative of the experiences of the men and women who frequent Shrink4Men.
As I was going through my iTunes library today, I came a cross an old Pearl Jam song, Rearview Mirror, that seems to typify the early stages of getting away from an abusive and cruel partner. It’s also a great reminder about the importance of No Contact, time and distance in order for the FOG to lift.
Also, just a reminder that Man Woman Truth Radio returns tonight on BlogTalkRadio at 9pm EST. SHOW PAGE.
embedded by Embedded Video
YouTube DirektPearl Jam Rearview Mirror
I took a drive today
time to emancipate
I guess it was the beatings made me wise
but I’m not about to give thanks, or apologize
I couldn’t breathe, holdin’ me down
hand on my face, pushed to the ground
enmity gauged, united by fear
forced to endure what I could not forgive…
I seem to look away
wounds in the mirror waved
it wasn’t my surface most defiled
head at your feet, fool to your crown
fist on my plate, swallowed it down
enmity gauged, united by fear
tried to endure what I could not forgive
saw things
saw things
saw things
saw things
clearer
clearer
once you, were in my…
rearview mirror…
I gather speed from you fucking with me [*love this line]
once and for all I’m far away
I hardly believe, finally the shades… are raised…
saw things so much clearer
once you, once you…
rearview mirror…
saw things so much clearer
once you, once you…
rearview mirror…
If anyone would like to email suggestions for future songs, please do so at admin@shrink4men.com.
Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:
Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.
22 Responses to “Music Mondays: Rearview Mirror, a Song about Leaving an Abusive Partner in the Past”
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I used to get in my car and drive, when I had to get away. I would go down to the dam, close my eyes, and listen to the water roar through the tubes. I could pretend I was at the ocean, and not in the middle of Kansas. Then eventually I would go back home. That was the same year this cd came out.
Hello RR,
Music can unlock powerful, pleasant and painful memories. Hope you are in a better place than you were the year this song was released.
RR and Dr. T,
Great choice! I have a theory behind the Pearl Jam lead singer Eddie Vedder, that his mother is possibly BPD. Lead singer Eddie Vedder has said that the song “Alive” is autobiographical. When Vedder was a teenager, his mother revealed to him that the man he thought was his father was actually his stepfather, and that his biological father was dead. The lyrics posted below show his anger and confusion with the utter lack of respect his mother showed him as a human being. His mother’s sick love triangle came before his basic right to know who his father is.
Alive
Son, she said, have I got a little story for you
What you thought was your daddy was nothin’ but a…
While you were sittin’ home alone at age thirteen
Your real daddy was dyin’, sorry you didn’t see him, but I’m glad we talked…
Oh I, oh, I’m still alive
Hey, I, I, oh, I’m still alive
Hey I, oh, I’m still alive
Hey…oh…
Oh, she walks slowly, across a young man’s room
She said I’m ready…for you
I can’t remember anything to this very day
‘Cept the look, the look…
Oh, you know where, now I can’t see, I just stare…
I, I’m still alive
Hey I, but, I’m still alive
Hey I, boy, I’m still alive
Hey I, I, I, I’m still alive, yeah
Ooh yeah…yeah yeah yeah…oh…oh…
Is something wrong, she said
Well of course there is
You’re still alive, she said
Oh, and do I deserve to be
Is that the question
And if so…if so…who answers…who answers…
I, oh, I’m still alive
Hey I, oh, I’m still alive
Hey I, but, I’m still alive
Yeah I, ooh, I’m still alive
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
The song also speaks the psychology of male self-hatred and suicide. If you come from a female-dominated home, and the dominant female doesn’t respect you, you’re going to have low self-esteem. You’re going to be angry and confused and you’re not going to have any idea how to behave as a functional male in society.
Jeremy, too.
oh yeah, although in Jeremy it seems both parents are equally to blame. btw, i’m on month 6 of my separation now, and feeling great. of course my wife is holding on to the crazy. i don’t have any illusion that this divorce is going to go smoothly. bottom line is that i am free from her, and that’s priceless. thanks again for this site and all your help. i rave about it to my own therapist!
I was going to mention Jeremy too… (great 12-string bass, BTW.)
The lyric that struck me is “My Happy Endings” by Avril Lavigne and Butch Walker. It is a very sarcastic song. In part:
You’ve got your dumb friends
I know what they say
They tell you I’m difficult
But so are they
But they don’t know me
Do they even know you?
All the things you hide from me
All the shit that you do?
It’s nice to know that you were there
Thanks for acting like you cared
And making me feel like I was the only one
It’s nice to know we had it all
Thanks for watching as I fall
And letting me know we were done
This one got me through my divorce:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oWR7Ib48M8g
“Echo” by Gorilla Zoe
You did it to yourself
Now your all by your self
Acting like you hate me
I left because you made me
You played me to the left
Now there’s nobody left
To hear your complaining I’m gone and all you hear is your own
[Chorus]
Echo
E-echo
And I’m gone
And your all alone
Cant you hear the (hear the)
Echo
E-echo
No one to hear you
There’s nobody near you (near you)
It started off great
But who was to know
That love is lost
Cannot be let go
You say it’s my fault
OK then I’ll go
It’s better to know
Now there’s nobody to argue with
Cause I’m not home
Don’t care who your with
Don’t call my phone
Or did you forget
You know your wrong
I’m gone (gone)
And your all alone hearing your own damn
[Chorus]
Disgusted with trust
I’ll trust no one no more
Just went with the flow
Found myself on the floor
When you went away
All my pain went astray
Like it’s a new day
Now I have no one to argue with
Cause I’m not home
Don’t care who your with
Don’t call my phone
Or did you forget
You know your wrong
I’m gone
And your all alone
Hearing your own damn
[Chorus]
All night long
I thought to my self
Why would I stay with you (with you)
Realized that you were the one who had issues
So why would I miss you
…to argue with
Cause I’m not home
Don’t care who your with
Don’t call my phone
Or did you forget
You know your wrong
I’m gone
And your all alone
Hearing your own damn echo
[chorus]
To argue with
Cause I’m not home
Don’t care who your with
Don’t call my phone
Or did you forget
You know your wrong
I’m gone.
I heard this song this morning by Ziggy Marley – True to Myself – and it hit home.
Here are the lyrics (minus the chorus):
life has come a long way since yesterday I say
and its not the same old thing over again I say
just do what you feel and don’t you fool yourself I say
cause I can’t make you happy unless I am I say I say I
got to be true to myself got to be true to myself x4
day in day out I’ve asked many questions I say
only to find the truth it never changes I say
if you don’t deal with it it keeps killing you a little by little I say
call me selfish if you will my life I alone can live I say I say I
got to be true to myself got to be true to myself
I don’t care if it hurts I’m tired of lies and all these games
I’ve reached a point in life no longer can I be this way
don’t come crying to me I too have shed my share of tears
I’m moving on yes I’m grooving on well I’m finally free I’ve
got to be true to myself got to be true to myself x2
Alibi by Elvis Costello…
Love it, live it, leave ‘er!!!!!
“Don’t Think Twice It’s All Right”
It ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, babe
It don’t matter, anyhow
And it ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, babe
If you don’t know by now
When your rooster crows at the breaks of dawn
Look out your window and I’ll be gone
You’re the reason I’m traveling on
Don’t think twice, it’s all right.
It ain’t no use in turning on your light, babe
That light I never knowed
And it ain’t no use in turning on your light, babe
I’m on the dark side of the road
But I wish there was somethin’ you would do or say
To try and make me change my mind and stay
We never did too much talking anyway
So don’t think twice, it’s all right.
It ain’t no use in calling out my name, gal
Like you never done before
It ain’t no use in calling out my name, gal
I can’t hear you any more
I’m a-thinking and a-wond’rin’ walking down the road
I once loved a woman, a child I’m told
I give her my heart but she wanted my soul
Don’t think twice, it’s all right.
So long honey, babe
Where I’m bound, I can’t tell
Goodbye’s too good a word, babe
So I’ll just say fare thee well
I ain’t saying you treated me unkind
You could have done better but I don’t mind
You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don’t think twice, it’s all right.
I truly appreciate the lines:
“I once loved a woman, a child I’m told
I give her my heart but she wanted my soul”
Isn’t it the Devil who wants souls?
Phil Collins – “That’s All” – Seems like a pretty BPD relationship complete w/ Stockholm Syndrome:
I could say day, you’d say night
Tell me it’s black when I know that it’s white
It’s always the same, it’s just a shame, that’s all
I could leave but I won’t go
Though my heart might tell me so
I can’t feel a thing from my head down to my toes
Turning me on, turning me off
Making me feel like I want too much
Living with you’s just putting me through it all of the time
Running around, staying out all night
Taking it all instead of taking one bite
Truth is I love you
More that I wanted to
There’s no point in trying to pretend
There’s been no-one who
Makes me feel like you do
Say we’ll be together till the end (Stockholm-ey?)
And at the other end of the spectrum, does anyone else see that “America’s Sweetheart” and Covergirl spokeswoman (and unfortunately, role model to pre-teen girls everywhere) Taylor Swift could practically be diagnosed just based on her own lyrics? (she writes her own songs):
Picture to Burn:
So go and tell your friends that I’m obsessive and crazy
That’s fine I’ll tell mine that you’re gay!
I’m just sitting here planning my revenge
There’s nothing stopping me
From going out with all of your best friends
Speak Now (Album title) is about crashing a wedding:
I sneak in and see your friends
And her snotty little family all dressed in pastel
Permanent Marker (after finding pics of her bf’s ex-gf):
“X” is the shape I drew through your face
In permanent marker.
The Way I Loved You:
But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain
And it’s 2am and I’m cursing your name
You’re so in love that you act insane
And that’s the way I loved you
Breakin’ down and coming undone
It’s a roller coaster kinda rush
He can’t see the smile I’m faking
And my heart’s not breaking
Cause I’m not feeling anything at all
She sings songs about being an emotionally stunted sociopath and America can’t get enough of her? Is this really the influence America wants for its kids? How sad!
She’s also well known for publicly bashing, via song, her ex boyfriends…what we here at S4M have learned to recognize as a “public smear campaign”
I could go on for days about what a nut-case Taylor Swift seems to be.
“That’s All” is Genesis… give Tony and Mike their props. But a great (although very dark) Collins song that fits is “In The Air Tonight”.
This classic song seems to fit the bill…
“Ruby, Don’t Take Your Love To Town”
You’ve painted up your lips
And rolled and curled your tinted hair
Ruby are you contemplating going out somewhere
The shadow on the wall tells me the sun is going down
Oh Ruby, don’t take your love to town
It wasn’t me that started that old crazy Asian war
But I was proud to go and do my patriotic chore
And yes, it’s true that I’m not the man I used to be
Oh, Ruby… I still need some company
It’s hard to love a man whose legs are bent and paralysed
And the wants and the needs of a woman your age, Ruby I realize,
But it won’t be long I’ve heard them say until I not around
Oh Ruby, don’t take your love to town
She’s leaving now ’cause I just heard the slamming of the door
The way I know I’ve heard it slam some 1oo times before
And if I could move I’d get my gun and put her in the ground
Oh Ruby, don’t take your love to town
Oh Ruby.. For god’s sake turn around
Mel Tillis wrote that, BTW. The version most people think of is the Kenny Rogers one with his old band The First Edition.
That Ain’t Love
REO Speedwagon
You can Tuna a Piano, but You Can’t Tuna Fish (197?)
You tell me what you think I’m feelin; you ‘know’ why I do what I do
Why should you listen to a word I’m sayin, when it’s already so clear to you
You tell me ‘bout my bad intentions, you doubt the very things I hold true;
I can no longer live with your misconceptions; baby, all I can say to you, is…
That ain’t love! I believe you’ve got the wrong emotion
That ain’t love; at least it doesn’t feel like love to me.
As long as I say what you wanna hear, do what you wanna do, be who you want me to be…
You think that’s love? Well, baby, that ain’t love to me
We’ve got to talk it over some time; these feeling won’t just disappear
I’m just gonna keep telling you what’s on my mind
Even if it’s not what you wanna hear
Ooh, right now your world and mine are such different places…
Through yours, I wander lost and confused;
And I feel like I’m speaking in a different language
And the only words I haven’t used are…
That ain’t love! I believe you’ve got the wrong emotion
That ain’t love; at least it doesn’t feel like love to me.
As long as I say what you wanna hear, do what you wanna do, be who you want me to be…
You think that’s love? Well, baby, that ain’t love to me
You keep tellin’ me you know a place where your life would be better;
You’re making plans long-range
But I don’t know how to expect to get there, when you refuse to change
Ooh, baby…
That ain’t love! I believe you’ve got the wrong emotion
That ain’t love; at least it doesn’t feel like love to me.
As long as I say what you wanna hear, do what you wanna do, be who you want me to be…
You think that’s love? Well, baby, that ain’t love to me
Of course, there’s always “Maneater” by Hall & Oates…
She’ll only come out at night
The lean and hungry type
Nothing is new, I’ve seen her here before
Watching and waiting
She’s sitting with you but her eyes are on the door
So many have paid to see, what you think you’re getting for free?
The woman is wild, a she-cat tamed by the purr of a Jaguar
Money’s the matter, if you’re in it for love you ain’t gonna get too far
Oh, here she comes
Watch out boy she’ll chew you up
Oh, here she comes
She’s a man eater
Oh, here she comes
Watch out boy she’ll chew you up
Oh, here she comes
She’s a man eater
I wouldn’t if I were you, I know what she can do
She’s deadly man, and she could really rip your world apart
Mind over matter
The beauty is there but a beast is in the heart
Oh, here she comes
Watch out boy she’ll chew you up
Oh, here she comes
She’s a man eater
Read more: HALL & OATES – MANEATER LYRICS http://www.metrolyrics.com/maneater-lyrics-hall-oates.html#ixzz22Zshr1bz
Copied from MetroLyrics.com
I am a big Lyle Lovett fan and these two songs also sort of speak to the abusive partner story, too…
God Will
Who keeps on trusting you
When you’ve been cheating
And spending your nights on the town
And who keeps on saying that he still wants you
When you’re through running around
And who keeps on loving you
When you’ve been lying
Saying things ain’t what they seem
God does
But I don’t
God will
But I won’t
And that’s the difference
Between God and me
So who says he’ll forgive you
And says that he’ll miss you
And dream of your sweet memory
God does
But I don’t
God will
But I won’t
And that’s the difference
Between God and me
“If I Were The Man You Wanted”
They all sat around in a circle
They were all laughing and all telling lies
Then the tall one he bumped in a dollar
He said boys I’ve got nothing to hide
Now if the King and the Queen stood together
Then the ace he would not be to blame
And if the cards were all laid on the table
Then love could be more than a game
And if the stars didn’t shine on the water
Then the sun wouldn’t burn on the sand
And if I were the man you wanted
I would not be the man that I am
And I have seen my share of long nights
And I have told my share of lies
And I have run into the darkness
When I saw the look in your eyes
But if the night didn’t lie in the darkness
Then the daylight would be hard to find
And if the truth didn’t turn to a weakness
I would have never have spoken my mind
And if the stars didn’t shine on the water
Then the sun wouldn’t burn on the sand
And if I were the man you wanted
Then I would not be the man that I am
So if you’re going out to Carolina
Then don’t linger in New Mexico
And if you think of the one there behind you
Then you might not feel so alone
And if the stars didn’t shine on the water
Then the sun wouldn’t burn on the sand
And if I were the man you wanted
I would not be the man that I am