Abuse Tears Families Apart: A Sister Mourns the Loss of Her Brother
Being in an abusive relationship doesn’t just hurt the target of abuse, it hurts everyone who cares about and loves the target.
In my private practice, I find I am increasingly working with family members of men who are grieving the loss, or potential loss, of a beloved son, brother, grandson, etc. These men all had the misfortune of getting involved with and committing themselves to “Crazy” (insecure, immature, abusive, high-conflict and/or personality disordered — diagnosed and undiagnosed — women).
The families members with whom I work either have already been estranged from their sons/brothers at the mandate of the abusive, controlling spouse or girlfriend or are in the process of powerlessly watching their loved one slip away as Crazy increasingly isolates and brainwashes him into believing the worst of his family and the best of her. Common lies and distortions include:
- Your family is trying to tear us apart.
- Your family is rude to me.
- You family hates me.
- Your family is controlling.
- Your family is unhealthy.
- Your family is enmeshed.
- You need to man-up and quit crying to your mother/father/sister/brother.
Never forget, bullies and predators like weak, easy targets. Isolating their prey from “the herd” is just one of the ways they do this.
Why would an abusive wife or girlfriend try to force an estrangement from their boyfriend’s or husband’s family?
1. Many abusive individuals, Borderlines, Narcissists, etc., are pathologically insecure and jealous. She requires all of her prey’s attention, time, resources and affection. She views loving family members and friends as competition and a threat to her total control and ownership of her prey.
2. These individuals fear exposure. She worries that family members will see through her. She fiercely guards her prey and does not allow him around anyone with whom she does not control the narrative and/or is not one of her sycophants/toadies/negative advocates/flying monkeys. Removing friends and family from her prey’s life who would speak up and say, “The way she treats you is wrong” and help him reality test is imperative to her maintaining control.
3. As previously noted, these individuals like easy and/or willing victims. “Nice guys” seem to be the perfect prey. These women turn their prey’s kindness, patience, naivety, and willingness to problem solve and compromise into weaknesses. They count on their victim’s decency and sense of honor, loyalty and commitment to get away with the things they do. Isolating the victim is a very effective way to ensure he continues to drink her kool-aid and also to ensure that he has nowhere to turn for help if and when the light bulbs start to turn on.
4. Many of these women come from severely dysfunctional and abusive homes, but not all. For those women who are repeating the generational cycle of abuse and/or mental illness and personality disorders, this is just business as usual. If you look into their family tree, you will probably find a history of familial cut-offs, feuds, grudges, etc. Your daughter-in-law or sister-in-law or granddaughter-in-law probably sees estrangement and her host of other dysfunctional and abusive behaviors as “normal.”
5. For the abusive, personality disordered woman, isolating and controlling your son is essential to her psychological survival — at least, that’s probably how she sees it. Initially, she no doubt mapped her infantile wish for a perfect parent/mommy/daddy/knight in shining armor/savior onto your son or brother. If she has Borderline Personality Disorder or any of the other Cluster B disorders or traits (narcissistic, antisocial, histrionic), she no doubt began to devalue and abuse him once she secured a relationship with him. He probably went from being her “hero/soulmate” to a loser who cannot do anything right in quick succession.
Your son is more than likely jumping through an endless series of hoops in an effort to become her hero again. No healthy, happy, emotionally secure person with boundaries and self-esteem would tolerate this kind of behavior for long. Thus, Crazy keeps your son or brother tethered to her by keeping him in a weakened state of confusion, shifting blame, false hope and wishful thinking.
If you are watching this happen to a family member or friend, it is incredibly painful. You want to intervene and help, but Crazy probably twists your love and concern into something bad. You have more than likely had your hopes raised when your son or brother initially confided in you that all is not well and he is contemplating ending the relationship, only to have these hopes dashed when he inexplicably gives her another chance and another and another.
Every time he goes back to her, he becomes a little more distant and guarded with you. This is because Crazy more than likely punishes him severely for these acts of “disobedience” and “disloyalty.” This is often Crazy’s first act of parental and familial alienation, but it is directed at her husband’s/boyfriend’s family instead of the children they have together. Crazy cuts you out of your brother’s or son’s life just as surely as she will one day do to the children he shares with her. Consider it her dress rehearsal for parental alienation to come.
Some men see their way out of these relationships and reconnect with their families of origin; while others do not. These men become moths to the flame of Crazy until their very selves and souls are extinguished by her inferno of hate, jealousy, control and insecurity. Families with sons and brothers who refuse to escape often have to accept the loss because it is too painful to watch the destruction of their son or brother, and grandchildren, nieces and nephews. Many adopt a “tough love” approach like you would do with a loved one with an addiction.
I can only imagine how painful and difficult it must be to let go of a beloved family member who has become a brainwashed husk of the person he once was. However, it is often necessary to look away and distance yourself from witnessing the ongoing abuse in order to grieve and heal.
Kristina Grant, who follows the Shrink4Men Facebook page, has experienced such a loss. She wrote the following poem to grieve the loss of her brother. She has given me her permission to publish it here.
For my brother..
The time has come
to accept that there’s nothing
that can be done
To let it go
to be free
Oh I’ve tried and I’ve tried
over and over
but it never changes
I’m just spinning my wheels
in the dust of your destruction
it feels like
I’ve been living the movie Groundhog Day
over and over
same shit
different day
for five years in a row
around and around we go
where it ends
if it ends
nobody knows
no longer will I climb
your pathetic mountain of lies
to help you down
no longer will I cry
as I watch her bleed you dry
no longer will I try
to make sense of something
where there is no sense
no sanity
no clarity
you’re gone
deep in the folds
of her straight jacket
banging your head against the wall
over and over
excusing and justifying
the utter nothingness of what she is
as she tears you down
stomps on your crown
and laughs that crazy laugh
what will it take
to wake you up
to help you see
the nightmare that envelops you
controls you
owns you
the Succubus whispers in your ear
draws you down
fills you with fear
takes you
makes you cower
makes you whimper
I cannot watch any longer
I cannot bear
to see you suffocating
in the coils of the snake
as she squeezes you to death
so as the two of you
grab and nip at my heels
in the throes of your twisted dance
trying me
pushing me
wanting my reaction
just to feed your madness
watch me walk
my solid walk
NOW is the time I stomp on your hands
and tape your mouths shut
NOW is the time
that I cut the ties
with all your lies
and walk away
to live my life
Goodbye.
Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:
Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.
25 Responses to “Abuse Tears Families Apart: A Sister Mourns the Loss of Her Brother”
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I really needed to read this right now. The timing is perfect. The poem is about how I feel. Thanks.
They might be cluster B’s here at S4M, but for me, they’re definitely cluster F’s.
Isolation is the hallmark of an abuser. Whether the abuser is male or female. Whether the abuser attacks children, men, or women. Secrecy is a weapon just as much as a fist.
My ex was proudly said at one point “But I let you go out with your friends”. As though she deserved points for letting me have a normal life. In her mind, she did. It was a major reach for her to let go of the desperate need for secrecy and isolation.
How do we get an appointment with you Dr. Tara? My son is in the process of getting out of the horrible situation with a wife that is NPD. There are four children involved and he will be seeking legal council next week. I think it would help him to have a coach that understands what he is going through. Can you give your fees?
Jan
Click on the “Services” tab at the top of the page.
Yep… My husband’s ex wife sure did try this when they were married, especially with his mother. And then, when they were breaking up, she tried to cozy up to his parents and drive a wedge between my husband and his family of origin. Now she’s alienated his kids to the point at which they are completely out of his life.
I’ve experienced a twist on this. My mother has narcissistic tendencies, though I don’t believe she has NPD. The end result is that my youngest brother is the golden child and I the scapegoat (or dumpster child.) When my ex-wife attempted to win my family members to her side, she unwittingly tapped into this.
Since the divorce, some members of my family, especially the more religious ones, have deeply offended me. It has been difficult for me to determine how much of their behavior is related to me being the scapegoat, how much is due to my ex-wife’s behavior.
I haven’t felt close to my family since my teens and this has only amplified this. I have ceased contact with some family members, and kept others at a distance. This doesn’t bother me. What does is that I am distrustful of those with whom I still communicate. My attempts to discuss the dysfunction within our family has only partially succeeded with one sister, though since our first candid discussions right after my divorce, she seems to have put up walls. Even two brothers, who are willing to discuss most anything else, won’t touch on our family dynamics (or my divorce.)
This post is chock full of truth.
I’ve been staying with family for the last couple of weeks, since I had no support system where I was, and their experiences have been coming out. I feel terrible that they were so worried about me, and for the nonsense she tried to pull with them, and above all, grateful that I never got so isolated and confused that they were cut off.
Since my wife always played “nice” when I was in the room when visiting my family, I had no idea about some of the terrible things she did when I was out of the room. Apparently, she threatened my parents that they’d never see me again if they didn’t do something that she wanted them to do. Of course, the funny thing there is that my parents do not go along with threats. Which explains where a lot of her “your parents hate me” complaints came from…
I feel for anyone watching a loved one in an abusive relationship. Their pain is different, but I suspect it’s no easier.
Oh, definitely. You see the abuse going on, maybe speak up, keep wanting it to stop–but because you spoke up, the abuse now turns on *you*. And you watch your loved one go further into the FOG until, if you criticize the Crazy, he turns on you as well!
Kay.. It’s true.. I wrote that poem and on one hand, it feels comforting to know there are others out there who understand instead of feeling alone in this. On the other hand, I feel sad that others have had to go through crap like our family has… YUK! It’s so true though.. I admit I was a bit of a ‘busybody’ and actually investigated her but it was solely because I wanted-no-NEEDED to get to the heart, soul, and truth of the matter. I called upon her most recent soon-to-be ex, with whom she cheated on with my brother and lots of others, and he was receptive to me! He even put me in contact with her earlier ex! I got more than I bargained for and I’m even more terrified for my brother. He used to be my best friend, but he hates me now because of my concern. He calls me judgmental and to butt out. He doesn’t want to talk to me and frankly, I’m pissed too and I don’t want to talk to him! I get angry and think “How the HELL can he not see!!?? He’s an IDIOT!” but compassion is the catch word of the day.. It has to be or I let this rule me. I can’t do that. Hence the poem. I’ve GOT to let go. My poor boyfriend is concerned for me because he sees me putting so much of my heart and good energy into it, when I really shouldn’t be. **SIGH** I miss my brother..
Mr. E; I’m glad you were able to see the light and be free of it. I wish you only the best and many years of happiness with the RIGHT woman. HUGS to you both!
It is difficult to watch your loved one be terrorized by Crazy. My husband has been divorced from Crazy for 8 years and it has been only in the past 5 months (since I stumbled upon this sanity-saving website) that he is realizing the extent of Crazy’s hold on his psyche. I have read him and had him read every article that has been posted on Shrink4men.
While they were married, she would never allow him to go out with colleagues for drinks, enjoy his hobbies or anything that he had enjoyed before they said “i do”. She required he be home no later than 5 pm each day, abhorred when he went away on business. When he went away on business, she would pout and cry, give him a card for every day he was away, and phone him constantly. It was like she didnt want him to forget she and the kids existed. She constantly accused him of cheating or other ridiculous mis-adventures. That’s how insecure and jealous she is/was.
Throughout their marriage she never allowed him to visit his parents. But as soon as he left her over 8 years ago, she was suddenly calling his parents and sister and brother and telling them her tales of woe regarding my husband. She even got their support when she had him arrested for “threats”. Her Crazy just got worse as soon as she found out I was in the picture and we were getting serious. I think she thought she would manipulate/hoover him back to her, but once she knew he and I were serious , she went into orbit. She would deny him his court ordered access and phone our house 45 times in a weekend to “talk to her kids”. She would tell other parents at soccer games that he and I were both terrible people. She would do all these things to inflame the situation and then phone his family members and tell them he was acting crazy and she was scared for herself and the kids.
They of course, would believe her and take her side against their own son. Never once did they wonder why she never barely visited them in all the time she and their son were married and now was suddenly their best friend.
His parents have very poor boundaries and continue to communicate with her “for the sake of the kids”. It’s hard for me to trust his parents when on one side they continue to talk to her (and even used to continue to buy her christmas presents) and then they want to come over to our house and see the 3 year old me and their son have together. It’s a very delicate balance for me to let them into my home knowing full well they continue their relationship with Crazy. I wont fully trust them and sometimes I feel they are further victimizing my husband by continuing to talk to his ex. Crazy, for her part, always puffs up whenever we go to his kids activities and his parents spend the whole time sitting/talking with her. It’s almost like she is saying to us, “See, your parents are on my side”.
Frustrating…
Whoanelly,
Ugh. She sounds awful and your DH’s parents sound like disrespectful asshats. Talk about betrayal. Do you think his parents have traits in common with his ex, which might explain why he was attracted in the first place and why they are colluding with her to hurt DH?
Believe it or not, this is a common occurrence with these types of individuals. It can be part of their “scorched earth policy.” And I think you’re exactly right about the “See, your parents are on my side”.
If you’re not already, I’d start enforcing strict boundaries with DH’s parents and operate under the assumption that anything you tell them will go straight back to the ex. I’d also consider minimizing/eliminating contact with them.
Hi Dr.T,
Yes, my DH jeff always says he married his mom when he married Crazy. His mom has many histrionic/borderline/narcissitic traits. To me, his mom and his ex are the same person.
We have minimized contact with them as we find them to be very toxic. We do occasionally invite them to visit our 3 year old. I always govern myself accordingly when dealing with the in-laws because I know what we do, have, own is likely to be passed on to his ex to make our lives hell. So I share very little with them and treat them as I do distant acquaintances.
His mom and sister will pump in FOG constantly if we arent’t sitting in their soup with them singing “kkhumba ya”. But your validation means the world to us because sometimes we do feel guilt. But now we know, it’s ok to protect ourselves from the 3 Crazies in DH’s life.
So, thank you for this article, Dr T. And thank you for your sage advice. Since implementing your advice, we feel stronger and more confident when dealing with Crazy. It’s like someone has given us a flashlight and a map after we have been bumbling around for 8 years
—S
Your story sounds so eerily like mine, only we were fortunate enough that Crazy never got my husband arrested. For the first eight years of our marriage, I was on pretty shaky ground with my husband’s father and stepmother, because they were still in alliance with my husband’s psycho ex. My husband’s dad went along with Crazy for the kids’ sake, but I think his stepmother sort of identified with her.
Things changed drastically when Crazy finally showed her ass to them. Then when we sat down and had a long talk with them and put all our cards on the table, they started to see her for who she really is. We discovered how she played my husband’s mother and stepmother against each other. She had them competing to be the best grandma. The reality was, she poisoned those kids’ minds so that all they were programed to do is use them.
Hopefully things will get better with your husband’s family. It’s likely that a lot of them just haven’t seen through the fog yet.
“Talk about betrayal. Do you think his parents have traits in common with his ex, which might explain why he was attracted in the first place and why they are colluding with her…”
Now there’s a thought. My grandmother only met my exgf once and my aunt only met her twice but they both positively loved her and she never went the slightest bit out of her way to charm them.
When I told my grandmother we had broken up, she blamed me for “letting her get away.” When I explained that I had asked my exgf to marry me and that she’d declined and moved across the country, my grandmother said that I “…must have done something terrible for her to do that.” On the other hand, my grandmother called my then fiancee “the little blonde gold digger.”
I have often wondered why dh’s mom always identified so strongly with Crazy, but since reading this forum and website I understand. When dh first left Crazy, his mom all but disowned him and essentially kicked him out of her house for daring to leave his marriage even when he told her about how terrible his marriage was. His mom took it so personally and instead of supporting her son, she looked at him as if he had betrayed her.
Indeed, dh thought all women were like his exwife. He thought all women gave the silent treatment when they were mad so imagine his surprise during some of our earlier fights when I didnt. He just couldn’t comprehend it. He kept expecting me to turn into his ex, but now after 5 years of marriage he has finally re-programmed his thinking. The damage these women cause men boggles my mind. I feel so bad for anyone who has gone through a relationship with a Cluster B woman. They take everything from you and just leave an empty shell of a man.
Dh is finally getting free, but since they share 2 kids together, there are always times when Crazy tries to sink her fangs into him and completely drain him. She has done basically everything she can to break us up and continues her attempt to destroy us and even her own children. It just never stops. The most we can do is shore up strength and carry on happily inspite of her destruction. I don’t think she banked on me being as stubborn as I am.