My Funny Valentine: Getting Over a Crazy Ex with the CB Patch

On the Shrink4Men Forum, we refer to abusive wives, girlfriends and exes as CBs. CB can stand for CrazyBritches, CrazyB-tch or Cluster B (as in Cluster B personality disorders — Borderline, Narcissistic, Histrionic and Antisocial).

Valentine’s Day can be a downer if you’re alone or, even worse, if you’re still with your CB. As many of you know, Crazy often implodes on and around holidays and other special occasions.

For those of you who are still with your CB, stay safe and remember, no matter what you do, you can’t win. Therefore, I suggest a modest bouquet of flowers and a card if you must pay tribute to “pharaoh.”

For those of you who are waxing nostalgic and missing your Crazy Ex this Valentine’s Day, Shrink4Men is proud to bring you the CB Patch.

What is the CB Patch?

It is the brainchild of CrazyBuster, Micksbabe. In a nutshell:

I wish they would invent some sort of patch to wean yourself off of a CB. Like, when you are sitting at home, lamenting about how much you miss the “good times,” the patch would jump off your arm, kick you in the crotch and call you a loser.

Happy V-Day, everyone.

The Next Guy: Did your Ex-Girlfriend or Ex-Wife Downgrade?

Grieving the loss of a love relationship can be a painful experience. Grieving and letting go of an abusive relationship and an abusive wife or girlfriend is frequently a far more painful and difficult experience. There are several reasons for this.

At the end of an otherwise healthy relationship between two reasonable, rational adults, the former partners are typically able to give one another closure. Abusive women and men, especially personality disordered women and men (Sociopaths, Narcissists, Borderlines, Histrionics, High-Conflict People – henceforth known as Crazy) do not do closure. Crazy blame shifts, Hoovers and/or disappears.

It is also difficult to let go of Crazy because of the high degree of ambiguity this kind of relationship creates. Did she ever really love you? Was any of it real? Maybe you’re the crazy one? What if you’d tried harder (i.e., withstood more of her abuse)?

This is almost always compounded if Crazy immediately partners up with her next target/sucker/people pleasing knight in shining armor/enabler/accomplice. How could she move on so quickly when you’re still grinding through the loss and trying to make sense of everything? Will she be different with the next guy? What if you had hung in there? Would she be telling her Facebook sycophants how she’s never been so happy and so in love with you instead of him?

This type of woman repeats the same behaviors over and over again in her relationships. She has a script in her head that she force fits new partners into whether they like it or not. She’s the eternal victim and boyfriend/husband du jour is her hero until she decides he’s the villain and presto change-o — he’s a “jerk” like all the other “jerks” before him. This phenomenon is described in Crazy Bitch the Musical! The Abusive Woman’s Script and Why She Won’t Be Different with the Next Guy.

When Crazy seeks to replace you, she will usually:

1. Find another people pleasing, rescuer, Nice Guy type who is eager to prove he’s not like the “bad men” who hurt her in the past. Men like this will take a number and eagerly queue up for their fair share of abuse. If and when they ever wake up and realize they’re being abused, they start looking for answers.

Some find Shrink4Men and other similar resources. They begin to understand that no amount of patience, love and understanding will end their wife’s or girlfriend’s abuse, they cannot “save” or “fix” Crazy, that they have issues of their own to address – particularly their willingness to tolerate abuse in a love relationship – and that it is necessary to have personal boundaries and limits in love. Some men, sadly, will get bad advice from female-biased, enabling/apologist therapists, ministers, family and friends to be even more patient, understanding and vulnerable with their abusers and, essentially, to continue to allow their female abusers to keep abusing them and their children.

2. Downgrade to another professional victim/abuser/loser. Sometimes, this manifests in the classic narcissist-borderline pairing, which actually works. Better to let two disordered people cannibalize each other instead of inflicting their abuse on the rest of the population.

If this is true of your situation, remember, she’s a crazy a-hole and he’s a crazy a-hole. They deserve one another and you deserve much, much better. The only wrinkle is if you share children with Crazy. Then you have two selfish, destructive, immature jerks to contend with while trying to nurture and protect your kids.

Downgrade Boyfriends are the guys who stand by and do nothing when Crazy abuses the children or willingly become her enforcer. These are the guys who step into the role of “newer, better Daddy”and either passively go along with or assist your ex in trying to alienate the children from you. These are the guys who do nothing when your ex denies you custody time. These are the guys who puff out their chests and let you know there’s a “new sheriff” in town, so you’d better toe the line. These are the guys who are unemployed or underemployed and move in with your ex and sponge off of your alimony and child support monies. These are the guys who buy gifts for your kids with your child support money and then tell your kids that you are the deadbeat.

Sociopaths (and people with sociopathic traits such as BPDs/NPDs/HPDs) don’t have friends — they have accomplices and victims. When Crazy downgrades to the type of guy described above, it can be extremely confusing for the Nice Guys who have been killing themselves (sometimes literally) to try to be the best husbands/boyfriends they can be and make Crazy happy (i.e., mission impossible).

She said I didn’t work hard enough or earn enough money, but Mr. Wonderful only has a part-time job.

She used to tell me I was a stupid, pathetic loser, but Mr. Wonderful doesn’t even have a college degree.

She used to accuse me of being an alcoholic because I enjoyed a couple of beers on weekends, but Mr. Wonderful is known as the town bar fly.

It’s confusing when Crazy re-couples with the loser, slacker, drunk, etc., she accused you of being. You did your best to be the man Crazy claims she wants you to be and then she pairs up with the kind of man she claims to not want. This is frequently a post-divorce WTF moment for many men.

Remember, Crazy is crazy and actions speak louder than words.

Nice Guy Mistake # 1

This is one of the biggest and most common mistakes Nice Guys make in their relationships with Crazy – they listen to Crazy’s words and ignore Crazy’s actions. More often than not, the truth lies in what Crazy does, not what she says. If you’re paying close attention, Crazy will sometimes confess/speak the truth, but these moments are fleeting and ephemeral.

The more you improve yourself, the more you act with integrity, the healthier you become, the more Crazy devalues and abuses you. The more you give Crazy what she says she wants, the more vicious, angry and/or withdrawn she becomes. You basically get punished for being a good person and giving Crazy exactly what she says she wants.

Partners act as mirrors for one another. This is one of the reasons water seeks its own level and birds of a feather flock together. When you are a fundamentally decent, kind, hardworking person, you make Crazy look bad in comparison. She resents your good qualities because, on some level, she knows she does possess them — whether she can admit this to herself or not — and she begins to resent and hate you for it.

If Crazy cannot possess your good qualities, then she will try to bring you down to her level by provoking and baiting you (e.g., antagonizing you until you become angry and yell at her) or she will try to destroy you or make you disappear.

Nice Guy Mistake # 2

The second biggest and most common mistake Nice Guys make with Crazy is believing Crazy’s damsel in distress – professional victim shtick. Crazy doesn’t want to be rescued. Crazy wants to be enabled.

Crazy doesn’t want to be rescued. Crazy wants to be enabled.

Crazy doesn’t want to be rescued, she doesn’t want to be better if it means she has to do the work to get there and Crazy definitely doesn’t want you holding her accountable and pointing out how she creates most of her problems herself. Meaning, Crazy doesn’t want you to help her to become a functioning, healthy, mature, responsible, gainfully employed adult. Crazy wants you to put up with her shit and clean up her messes and thank her for the privilege of letting you do so.

Enter Downgrade Boyfriend.

Like two addicts who enable each others’ addictions, Downgrade Boyfriend doesn’t make Crazy feel bad because he’s just as dysfunctional, self-serving and reptilian as she is.

This article was sparked by an online conversation with some of Shrink4Men’s CrazyBusters about the kinds of men their husband’s crazy exes paired up with post-divorce. SW explains:

Crazy truly married the anti-Jack.

She married Jack’s opposite in every single way possible — physically, religious practices, morals, work ethic, education, ambition, fidelity, parenting……

Jack is and was a good honest man. When Crazy met him, he was still a kid, stupid, naive and she made it her full-time job to emasculate him and keep him groveling to her. She was really good at it, but instead of letting her have control of everything, he just disconnected from her emotionally and withdrew. She couldn’t dominate someone who ignored her.

So, she pursued Drunko, a man who was already in many ways broken. Not because he was beaten down by anything, because he chose a life path that was revolting and he liked being a creep. She could be the superior one and, because he came from the same religious background, she could guilt him into almost anything.

She could also be revolting and wicked with him and never be judged. Jack always will be a person to tell others that they need to get right with whatever higher power the believe in. Believe how you want, but live your values. Jack will not participate in things he believes are wrong.

If he were Adam from the garden of Eden, he’d have made a lot of mistakes, but he would not have eaten that apple, just because Eve did. Crazy wanted a man who would not only  eat the apple, but get others to eat it so they could prove that what they did was not wrong.

I personally think Drunko is physically repulsive, he looks worse as the years progress and he buries himself deeper into this mentally ill life he shares with Crazy.

If your ex-Crazy has paired up with Downgrade Boyfriend she is dating or married to the proverbial “bird of a feather.”

Nice Guy Mistake # 3

Nice guys who aren’t quite ready to jump off the Crazy hamster wheel may see Downgrade Boyfriend as yet one more thing they need to rescue Crazy from. If this applies to you, no, you don’t need to rescue Crazy from Downgrade Boyfriend. No, really, you don’t.

By now, you should have learned that Crazy doesn’t do anything or anyone she doesn’t want to do. Nor does she do anything that doesn’t benefit her in some way – especially if it enables her dysfunction and hurts you.

If Crazy actually wanted to be with a good man, she’d be with you. If Crazy actually wanted to be with a good man, she wouldn’t have invested so much time and energy trying to turn you into a male-version of herself.

Many men see Downgrade Boyfriend as evidence that they weren’t “good enough.” If she wants to be with him, then I must be the loser she always said I was. If you’re succumbing to this kind of self-defeating thinking, stop and reality test. Is your behavior consistent in your relationships? If so, do your friends and family think you’re as awful as Crazy thinks you are? 

Downgrade Boyfriend is not evidence that you’re all the rotten things Crazy accused you of being. He’s not better than you. She’s simply found a mirror image of herself to “love” or whatever passes for love in their world. Having integrity, honor and strength of character is a liability with Crazy and so is kindness, generosity and a sense of fair play.

Let go of Crazy’s distorted thinking, mourn the loss of the person you thought you fell in love with when you first met, figure out what attracted you to Crazy and what caused you to tolerate her abuse, heal and when you’re ready, if you’re so inclined, be open to meeting a woman who is an upgrade.

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.

 

 

 

Internet Dating Red Flags: Avoiding Another Crazy Woman in the World Wide Spider Web

From the desk of CrazyBuster, Micksbabe:

So you’ve gone through the soul-sucking, painful and expensive process of ridding yourself of your Crazy Ex and now, understandably, you are lonely and would like to test the proverbial waters and find a woman to spend some time with and maybe, just maybe, you can find a woman who loves you as much as you love her, get married and live happily ever after.

It’s possible.

I know people who met their spouses on the Internet. It’s also understandable that, at this point, you might be a little gun shy, given that before the Crazy Ex pulled off her mask, you truly believed she was “THE ONE”.

Lots of good, decent and sane people are looking for love on the Internet. It’s the wave of the future.

Social networking is quicker and easier than in-person networking. You don’t even need to leave your chair (or your car, if you have the right App). You can shop for mates the way you shop for Christmas gifts on Amazon.

What would really be helpful though, is if Internet dating “shoppers” could leave unbiased reviews just like Amazon customers do.  For example, “I bought this convection oven six months ago and it’s already broken with no warranty!”

What if previous suitors on dating sites could leave reviews like, “This contestant looks nothing like her profile picture!”  Or, “This woman killed my cat in a fit of rage!”

It would be good to get a heads-up of this nature when looking for your next potential mate. Basically, there are only two ways to protect yourself — be a Psychic or learn to recognize Internet dating red flags.

For those not psychically inclined, I’ve noticed a few red flags that might be helpful in learning to weed through the Crazies.

1. “My Baby’s Daddy is a DEADBEAT!!!”

Her ex might be a “deadbeat.”  He also may  just be her ex and she’s pissed about being divorced. Either way, it doesn’t matter because, right or wrong, this chick is ANGRY and she needs a therapist, not a boyfriend. Certainly not another future “deadbeat.”

2. “My CHILDREN are my WORLD!!!!”

Odds are, if you selected the “Divorced” option on your preferences list, you’re going to meet divorced women who have children (just like you may have children). It’s great that she wants people to know that she loves her kids. In most cases, this goes without saying (and should go without saying).  However, if her children are her “world” then she needs to give her children a reprieve and get her own world – one where her children can just be children and not the reason she hasn’t offed herself yet.

Ironically, every woman I’ve ever met who uses this phrase, also uses her children as a prop to either garner sympathy for being a “single muuuther,” or as leverage against their “deadbeat” father to extort money. If you read or hear this phrase spoken, drop your laptop, phone or eating utensil and run. Don’t look back. Unless you can see she’s chasing you, then run faster.

3. “I live with my parents.”

We all occasionally fall on hard times and sometimes our parents are there to help us pick up the pieces. TEMPORARILY. Then there are people who spend their lives looking for someone else to pick up their pieces. There is a very fine line here.

You are well within your rights to inquire as to how long, and if ever she has lived completely on her own. Being able to stand on our own two feet without the support of others is a benchmark of being a grown up. It’s also what all of us need in a partner – someone that can give as well as take.

If you find out that a potential Internet mate has never lived on her own resources, she is a DEPENDENT and will likely always be a dependent. Don’t let her become yours.

4. “Accept me as I am.”

If this woman were a car, she would have a sticker that says, “As is. No warranty.” In Crazy-speak, “Accept me as I am,” means, “You are never allowed to disagree with or criticize me in any way. Ever.”  This is unacceptable in a relationship.

In a healthy relationship, both partners should be able to disagree on an issue and not come to blows. Your partner doesn’t have the right to decide how you feel. This candidate does not know how to be in a relationship. Do not “accept” her wink or nod or flirt or icebreaker.

5. “I want a real man.”

By all scientific definitions, a “real” man has an XY chromosome combination and male genitalia. What does she mean by “real” man?  I can only guess.

It likely means that she hates her Daddy and you and every man before you and after you will fail to be a “real” man because her expectations are unrealistic and because you are not, after all, her Daddy. Block her from contacting you.

6. “I’m new to this internet dating thingy.”

Unless she’s just recently become single, she’s probably lying. You can check the “member since” on a lot of dating sites.

Why would someone want to lie about how long they’ve been on a dating site?  Because they’ve sent countless men running for their lives and they don’t want you to do the same.  RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.

Radio Tonight 9pm EST: Interview with Daddy Justice aka Ben Vonderheide

Daddy Justice has caused quite a few stirs in his time. He walks into the not so hallowed halls of justice in our family court system, as well as offices for our state and national government, and, with camera in hand, asks lots of questions that cannot be answered easily by our representatives.

Rather I should say questions that cannot be easily answered by anyone telling the truth.

For his trouble his has been assaulted (by an anti-domestic violence advocate no less) pushed around by authorities, and in the latest round was railroaded into court and convicted of disturbing the peace, even when video of his actions taken by courthouse cameras proved beyond any doubt that the testimony offered against him was false.

Of course, when the cops, prosecutor, judge and complainant (who works in the court) all want a conviction, then false testimony will hardly stand in the way of Law and Order in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania.

And that is what they got, riding Daddy Justice on a railroad that Southern Pacific would be proud of. Here’s the video documenting this:

embedded by Embedded Video

vimeo Direkt

The whole story is worth more than passing glance, because more than any other story in recent times, it highlights and accentuates exactly how corrupt our court officials have become. In this case they barely even tried to cover their lies.

We invite you to join us Monday night at 8:00 PM Central Time, January 21, 2013 (2:00am GMT Jan. 22), for a special edition of AVFM Radio with Dr. Tara Palmatier and Paul Elam, who will interview Daddy Justice about his recent trip to Kangaroo Kourt, and about false allegations in general. The call in number is 310-388-9709.

SHOW PAGE

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.

Troubling Update on the Colonel Kirk Case

On September 21, 2012, Judge James A. Matish of the West Virginia Fifteenth Judicial Circuit Court heard LtCol. Joel Kirk’s appeal to reverse two incomprehensible rulings made by Judge Lori B. Jackson. The appeal requests that Matish:

1.)   Overturn several mathematical  errors Lori Jackson made in a previous ruling. Jackson’s errors would cost Col. Kirk a great deal of money he does not have because it never existed.

Jackson held Kirk in contempt for non-payment even though she admitted to making the errors. Jackson decided to uphold her errors because she did not believe they were “that big of a mistake.” Jackson told Joel she would expunge the contempt charge if he paid the non-existent money specified in her previous ruling even though she acknowledged her calculations were wrong. Believe it or not, Jackson used to be an accountant.

2.)   Overturn Jackson’s August 2012 decision to give 50/50 custody to Tina and Joel and the implication that Tina would eventually be given full primary custody. Jackson made this ruling despite overwhelming evidence that Tina is an emotionally abusive and physically violent, untreated Borderline Personality Disordered, drug and alcohol abusing parent who has yet to undergo treatment for these issues.

GAL REPORT

AUDIO FILE

Even though the Kirk children’s physical safety and emotional well-being are at stake, Matish deferred making a ruling for 60 days and inexplicably mirrored Lori Jackson’s sentiments by proclaiming:

“This case is quite disturbing in the behavior of both parties. Ms. Kirk for her substance abuse and Mr. Kirk for filming from a dark room.”

Male victims of abusive women, especially borderline personality disordered women, frequently have to record their abuses because it is the only way anyone will believe them. It is common practice for attorneys and therapists specializing in these cases to advise clients with BPD spouses to do exactly what Joel did – document the abuse. At Shrink4Men, we call this the ABR Rule (Always Be Recording).

Before Jackson replaced Judge Cornelia Reep, Col. Kirk had advised the court repeatedly about Tina’s abusive behavior and substance abuse problems, but his concerns were ignored. It was only after he produced video evidence that CPS and the court began to take the problem seriously, that is until Jackson was given the case.

Would Matish have condemned Tina for filming Joel from a “dark room” if he was the abuser or commended her for trying to protect the children and herself? Matish appears to either be ignorant or be operating under a woefully disturbing double standard when it comes to female abusers or both.

Meanwhile, it is nearly 120 days since the September appeal hearing and Matish has yet to make a ruling. Perhaps Matish naively believes Tina’s violent and abusive episode captured on the June 28, 2009 video (above audio file) was an isolated incident. In reality, it is just the tip of the iceberg. AVFM and Shrink4Men have so many audio files documenting Tina’s abuse of Col. Kirk and the children that we are still going through them months after receiving them.

One can only speculate why Matish has allowed these two issues, one very urgent because it involves the safety of minors, to sit on his desk for almost 4 months. One can only speculate why he needed to adjourn at all to fix another Judge’s admitted mathematical error.

How Many Judges Does It Take to Divorce a Borderline?

Over the last 3.5 years, the Kirk case has had five judges. Five judges.

Judge Cornelia Reep: She recused herself due to a conflict of interest after Tina fired her original family law lawyer, who she still owes $18,000, and hired personal injury attorney, Thomas G. Smith. Reep represented Smith in his divorce when she was a practicing attorney. Smith and associates appear to be working on a contingency fee basis, which is illegal in West Virginia family law cases.

Reep ruled that the children should have no contact with their mother until Tina  underwent treatment and was deemed safe by the children’s therapist and the GAL. Therefore, Reep had to go so Tina could get in front of the only other Harrison County Family Court judge who just happens to be a close family friend of one of Tina’s drinking buddies, Celeste Clutter. Thomas G. Smith’s law firm coincidentally happens to be one of Clutter’s biggest clients at the radio station where Celeste works in sales.

Judge Lori B. Jackson: Jackson’s malfeasance, enabling of child abuse and multiple conflicts of interest are evident. Jackson ruled that the children’s visitation with Tina would resume, unsupervised, against the protests of the GAL and the children’s therapist.

Judge James A. Matish: See above.

State Supreme Court Justice Menis E. Ketchum: In early October 2012, Justice Ketchum recused Jackson due to the Internet coverage of the Kirk case on AVFM, Shrink4Men and other websites. Ketchum should have recused Jackson for gross incompetence, judicial malfeasance, multiple conflicts of interest and for her reckless endangerment of the Kirk children.

Judge J. Jeffrey Culpepper: Justice Ketchum appointed Monongalia County Judge Culpepper to replace Jackson. However, Judge Culpepper cannot rule on the Kirk case in its entirety because Matish, a colleague of Jackson’s, continues to sit on Col. Kirk’s appeal. One also wonders why Matish has not handed the appeal to Matish. It would certainly help to simplify things in the Harrison County Dysfunctional Family Court Circus.

So that’s 3.5 years, 5 judges and no resolution for the Kirk children and LtCol. Kirk.

Dumpster Diving for Dollars

Tina Kirk’s four ambulance chasing personal injury attorneys, Thomas G. Smith, Esq., Jamison H. Cooper, Esq., Afton Leanne Huston, Esq. and Daniel C. Cooper, Esq. (the husband of Jamison Cooper) deny Tina’s abuse — even after watching the video, the GAL report, the therapist’s testimony and psychiatric evaluations. They claim it was an isolated incident because “Joel got Tina drunk” and has since attended anger management counseling at her new church.

First, there is no documentation that Tina has undergone treatment by a credentialed mental health professional that specializes in BPD and substance abuse. Sorry, but a few confabs with Pastor “Suffer the Little Children,” a few crocodile tears and a few prayer circles is not a cure for either Borderline Personality Disorder or alcoholism — except perhaps in Lori Jackson’s court. It remains to be seen whether this also applies to Matish’s court.

Second, there are many photos of Tina taken after June 2009, partying it up on different occasions, drink in hand.

Third, the last thing the partner of an out-of-control, violent BPD wants is for her or him to get drunk. BPD and alcohol can be a dangerous combination and no one in their right mind would want to expose themselves or their children to that.

Fourth, AVFM and Shrink4Men have received recent reports of ongoing abuse by Tina Kirk toward their two children, including a public display of abuse in December 2012. After AVfM ran The Real Housewives of Harrison County on October 8, 2012, one of the housewives contacted Paul Elam via email, providing us with additional information.

This housewife of Harrison County reported that Tina was so drunk the night of the party documented in the photos in The Real Housewives article, that she got into a screaming match with her bouncer boyfriend in Celeste Clutter’s driveway and was asked to leave.

We also have reports from other community members that Tina has begun yet another smear campaign by approaching the children’s educators and extracurricular activity instructors claiming Joel is abusing his children without providing a shred of evidence to substantiate her claims.

Smear campaigns are textbook Borderline behavior. Borderlines typically initiate smear campaigns during divorce and custody proceedings (and sometimes during the relationship) in an attempt to cover up abuse that they are actually committing. Smear campaigns are just a public form of projection, misinformation and redirection.

Furthermore, Judge Culpepper placed a gag order on both Kirks in December 2012, so it would appear that Tina is in violation of the gag order as she goes about Harrison County slandering Col. Kirk.

Tina Kirk’s abuse of the Kirk children is active and ongoing. It is not “in the past” nor is it an “isolated incident.” Yet Judge Matish continues to let this case drag on. In doing so, he is enabling the abuse of children just like Lori B. Jackson. That makes two judges in Harrison County demonstrating abject indifference to child abuse. What are the odds?

Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.

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