Blame and Rage: What Abusive Women Call Problem-Solving
Have you ever wondered why your abusive wife, girlfriend or ex blames others, makes excuses or rages when you question her behavior? Does she often act like an out of control child? Does arguing with her seem like a losing battle? Does she have a comeback for everything you say that pushes your buttons? When she’s angry, does she say “not fair” and that nothing’s her fault? Does it feel like she sets traps for you during arguments? Have you ever wished you could put her in a timeout chair just like you would a toddler?
Believe it or not, several of the above questions are adapted from the first paragraph of a parenting article, Child outbursts: Why kids blame, make excuses and fight when you challenge their behavior, by James Lehman, MSW on EmpoweringParents.com. Men who are in relationships with abusive women often say that they feel like they’re dealing with a child in an adult’s body in regards to their wife, girlfriend or ex.
This is especially true if she has a Cluster B personality disorder or traits (Histrionic Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Antisocial Personality Disorder). Not all, but many individuals with these diagnoses (or suspected diagnoses) are developmentally arrested at an emotionally immature age.
Children often blame others when an adult tries to hold them responsible for their behaviors. This is a natural behavior in children and it’s a parents’ job to teach their children how to hold themselves accountable and face the consequences of their actions, so they can become responsible, functioning adults. If this developmental milestone isn’t reached in childhood, it creates a lot of stress and dysfunction in adulthood. One of my clients states that he clearly sees his 6-year old daughter growing out of this phase with his guidance; he wishes he could say the same for his 36-year old wife.
Professional Victimhood Starts Early in Life
“Very often children see themselves as the victim, no matter how aggressive or abusive their behavior is. Thinking of themselves this way gives them the ability, in their mind, not to take any responsibility—and if you don’t take responsibility, then you won’t have to change” (Lehman, EmpoweringParents). This victim mentality is the result of immature and distorted reasoning or thinking errors in troubled children and adults. Thinking errors allow this kind of woman to blame others for her own behavior, not take responsibility for her actions and not make positive changes. Her distorted reasoning allows her to avoid thinking about how she hurts others.
Children and women with these issues view any questioning of their behavior, no matter how gentle and well-phrased, as an attack. Lehman recommends that parents who identify these behaviors in their children break the pattern by challenging their distorted thinking, setting boundaries and enforcing consequences. Great advice. As a parent you can make rules, enforce them and model good problem-solving skills. But what do you do when it’s your wife or girlfriend who is acting out aggressively and abusively? What do you do when she attacks you even harder when you try to discuss this topic with her?
You can’t ground your wife or take away her car keys or credit card. Well, you could, but then she’d claim you’re trying to control and abuse her, so what do you do? Disengage, detach, don’t step into her traps and avoid power struggles. Easier said then done, of course.
Her Problem-Solving Skills Are the Problem
This type of individual has dysfunctional problem-solving skills. Instead of holding herself accountable for her bad behavior and making positive changes, she tries to solve problems by shifting blame, making excuses, verbally attacking others, vilifying others and fighting or fleeing. In her reality, these are problem-solving techniques. To a rational adult, these behaviors create the majority of the problems and conflicts in a relationship.
There is usually a sequence to how these maladaptive problem-solving behaviors play out. For example, you confront your girlfriend with something hurtful she’s done like being rude to your family. She begins with, “I only acted like that because I know your family hates me. I wouldn’t say those things if they were nicer to me.” Translation: “I already explained it’s your family’s fault. Why are you bothering me?”
If you persist, she adds some force and venom by becoming verbally abusive, “You’re not being fair. You always blame me when things go wrong with your family. Your family’s a bunch of liars. They always give me dirty looks. They hate me. You never stick up for me. You’re such a #!%@*!” Essentially, this is a warning: “Agree with me or face my abusive acting out.” She uses aggression and intimidation to get you to back down and leave her alone, which has probably been a highly effective technique for her since childhood.
If you continue to persist, she may then escalate to the fight or flight response because she perceives any criticism as life threatening: “I can’t talk with you about this. [Breaks dishes, slams door.] Screw you, I’m leaving.” This response occurs because she’s run out of coping mechanisms. She hurts others, breaks things and/or withdraws in a misguided attempt to problem solve. These are highly maladaptive and abusive behaviors. They don’t resolve problems; they make problems worse.
These behaviors and distorted beliefs are indications of “[her] inability to communicate, [her] inability to solve problems and [her] world view that [she's] a victim and ‘it’s not fair.’ If things aren’t fair, then the rules about cursing at people or breaking things don’t apply to [her], because it’s not [her] fault. And that lets [her] off the hook. These kids [and women] have a way of thinking that justifies violating other people’s boundaries and that sees them as a victim of everything. When you try to interfere with or challenge that kind of thinking, these kids [and women] will get more upset, threatening or destructive” (Lehman, EmpoweringParents).
It’s a parent’s job to challenge their children’s distorted beliefs and hold kids accountable for their behaviors. However, as a husband or a boyfriend it is not your job to re-parent your wife or girlfriend. Even if you wanted to do so, it’s highly unlikely she’ll allow you to hold her accountable. Most mental health professionals are unable to do this. Teaching skills like personal accountability and empathy to children at the appropriate developmental ages is often very challenging. Teaching these skills to adults is extremely difficult, if not impossible. First she has to recognize that she’s a big part of the problem and give up her victim mentality. If she won’t or can’t do this, then she will continue to blame the world and you and never become an adult. These behaviors are barely tolerable in children; in adults they’re far worse.
If only you could put these, eh-hem, adults into timeout. However, there’s no reason why you can’t give yourself a timeout as an optimal mental health break.
Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:
Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.
28 Responses to “Blame and Rage: What Abusive Women Call Problem-Solving”
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Great article.
I think this trips many people up in dealing with a PD individual because the person looks and talks like an adult but largely operates on the emotional level of an infant, child or teenager.
It becomes extremely confusing because you can have an “adult” discussion with them on many topics … so long as it does not involve anything about them.
Things become “easier” when you accept that you’re dealing with an emotional child and have about the same chance of having a rational conversation with them about any aspect of their behaviour as you would with a five year old, e.g., rather than getting a “I understand what you mean” response, you receive a “no I’m not, you are” reaction.
Like the picture too.
Too bad it isn’t an option … but then you’d just end up being labelled a paternalistic male with no respect for women as equal adults.
Amen….
I gave up trying to get her to show accountability for her behavior long ago. Prior attempts were usually shut down with a, “You try to blame everything on me!” If you question something they did, they hear blame. If you point out their hypocrisy, they hear blame. If you explain to them that you’re not blaming them for anything, but are merely expressing displeasure, the hear blame.
Your observations about their problem solving skills are spot-on, Dr. Tara. The NPD in my life claims to be a great problem solver, but in fact is nothing more than a knee-jerk blame assigner. Last week our son got himself into some trouble at school, trouble for which he initially wouldn’t come clean. I knew exactly where the conversation was going to go, and I could almost set my watch by the moment where she would blame his behavior on my role modeling. It is almost comical how scripted these conversations with them (or I should say, monologues) really are. The absolute irony of course is that they devote equal amounts of energy to deflecting blame from themselves as they do to finding a scapegoat (i.e., husband/boyfriend) for all of their life’s little miseries.
My NPD likes to tell me that she feels like she is dealing with a 13 year old. The little voice in my head says, that still puts me 8 years ahead of you my dear.
My NPD is only able to hold me accountable for everything – if she can’t hold me accountable she’ll hold virtually anybody else accountable except herself – holding herself accountable for anything is something I never saw happen. I knew it was a ‘red flag’ the first week of dating but I was in denial, and just kept telling myself she was just embarrased to “admit” – embarrased hell – she knows no shame.
The new site looks terrific!
Now that that’s out of the way, I think Old Guy hit the nail on the head perfectly. “The person looks and talks like an adult…” Unfortunately, in this case, when it looks and quacks like a duck, it’s not a duck.
In trying to explain my ex’s behavior, and in talking to others who are unfortunately going through something similar, this is what I try to explain to them; that they are dealing with a cognitive dissonance. Every visual cue tells us it’s an adult, and we expect them to behave and function in a certain way. Unfortunately, inside, it’s something else entirely.
I have to (sadly) laugh about the bit about being a paternalistic (and controlling) male. Yeah, I got hit with that one, too.
Honestly, at this point, I’m not even sure taking a time-out for one’s self is as healthy as just leaving. Given the inability of a BPD (or, my ex, anyway), to respect boundaries (“why does your file cabinet have a lock on it?! what are you hiding from me?!” – um, nothing? I don’t even have a key? I bought it at a yard sale?), me taking some “me-time” away from whatever failure of mine that the argument du-jour was about would have been nigh impossible. I have no doubt she would have literally broken down doors to get at me.
I gave her an (eh-hem) time out 7 years ago in the divorce court.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qYUvDjLPcwY
I often wonder if somehow she could be profiled into this article? Well, people say she’s nutz.
Thanks for the validation Dr. T. Although our house rules have been the subject of public ridicule by BPDex, we understand how critical it is to foster accountability and responsibility in our children. Despite her protests and yet another smear campaign (amazing how we still question ourselves and our choices when this happens), the children are demonstrating positive changes in their choices, their accountability, and their ability to solve problems with dialogue and not tantrums. This is really important for children of cluster Bs, so thanks again for addressing this issue.
“Very often children see themselves as the victim, no matter how aggressive or abusive their behavior is. Thinking of themselves this way gives them the ability, in their mind, not to take any responsibility—and if you don’t take responsibility, then you won’t have to change” (Lehman, EmpoweringParents).
The corollary to this is just because they refuse to accept responsibility doesn’t mean we have to assume responsibility for them. You can’t be legitimately blamed for something you’re not responsible for. For example, when you ask a Cluster B what kind of wine to buy and you accept an “anything’s ok” response, the responsibilty for the decision shifts from her to you. Cluster Bs are masters at getting others to assume responsiblity for them and making you pay for it, justified or not. Assigning responsibilty and enforcing accountability is a key element in estabilishing and maintaining healthy boundaries.
Early in my relationship with my exgf, I’d accept an “anything’s ok” answer until I started to notice I’d be criticized for it. After that, I’d either force a specific answer or tell her up front, “I’m getting xxx, if you want something else, speak now.” If she tried to criticize the decision, I’d make her take responisbility for the decision, even if it was nothing more than “Too late.” My exgf didn’t being painted into a corner but after ahwile she learned not to play that game with me. As a naval officer, I was used to having to work like this. It took a lot longer for me to catch on that it was a crappy way to operate in a relationship.
Assuming responsibilty for things that aren’t rightfully ours is a problem with us, not them. The more responsibility we assume for them, the more vulnerable we make ourselves.
Another great article. This behavior is a close description of my ex-wife. Five months post-divorce, I am now just starting to enjoy me own personal Time-out or Time-Away from the problem. No amount of attempted help, professional counseling for her helped at all.
As hard as it was, Divorce Court was the only answer….. The one that continues to be the gift for myself and my sons that keeps on giving!
I clearly recall when the realization that I was dealing with a ‘child mind’ crystallized in my mind. At the time I’d never heard of narcissism, bi-polar or other personality disorders. Unfortunately, it was in the aftermath of a bitter and ugly divorce. I actually spent a couple of years (this was six years ago) searching on the behaviors that I observed and finally narrowed it down to NPD/BPD, though I lean more towards NPD in the case of my ex. So, I find sites like this especially useful for those who are looking for answers as I once was. I am still baffled that I couldn’t see it for so many years.
One of the biggest problems I see regarding these behaviors is that the ‘family court’ reinforces them without ever seeking to uncover them. In our adversarial kangaroo family curt system once one of these ‘child minds’ seeks the advise of a predatory attorney your fate is pretty well sealed as the legal shield effectively prevents any form of proper remedial action. To add further insult to injury, the (quack) psychologists in the employ of the courts as custody evaluators are loathe to uncover such conditions. My observation is that predatory attorneys salivate like a Pavlovian dog when one of these individuals walks into their office and the pay-day dinner bell goes off. NPD’s and family law practitioners are very dangerous predatory people, make no mistake.
The carnage on families and society are predictably reaching critical mass. Hopefully, sites like this will start educating people. What is needed is a mechanism for getting these issues in front of men proactively before the need to ‘understand’ arises. I don’t have an answer, but maybe the new Mens Studies curriculum offers some hope.
Thanks for yet another site providing information for men.
Wow. What an awesome site. I only wish I had discovered it a decade ago.
I have nothing to add with my personal tale of woe. It’s all been said by others in spooky detail.
Perhaps once upon a time these unhealthy people were kept in check, or kept a low profile, under threat of raised hand. Physical violence really seems to be the only consequence they understand.
Maybe they were smacked too much &/or have Daddy issues? I don’t care. It’s not my problem. You sort that shit out yourself.
The law has fallen like a golden apple into the hands of these manipulative types, as has social opinion, and at the same time mental health services have virtually been abolished (except for the most extreme cases). They have free reign and are bolting, encouraged by the whip of sexist mass media to take advantage of and crush everyone underfoot. A narcissist’s utopia!
Here in Australia there is a government-sponsored campaign, ‘To violence against women; Australia says, “No.”‘
How about violence against men? It seems that Australia says, “Meh.”
Seems like the world says the same. Men have been hamstrung. We can’t even act in self-defence. Anything we do or don’t do, or say or don’t say, will be held against us in a court of law.
Anyway, rant over. I’m not the kind to dwell. In fact, the day she left was the best day of my life, and things just keep getting better! Freedom! And a lovely girlfriend who has had a similar experience on the other side of the gender divide, who is self-aware, and understands the important things in life.
So maybe I do have something to add… Two things, in fact…
Firstly, the realisation that I only care for the opinions of people that care for me. She didn’t care for me, only how she could manipulate me. With this realisation she lost all power over me.
Secondly, all is not lost. You’re a survivor. You’ve proved it. You have the rest of your life ahead of you. You’re aware of the signs. So go forth and find for yourself the life *you* choose. Not all women are the same! Thank the gods!
And thank Dr T (et al.) for egalitarian activism and this forum.