High-Conflict Phases of Abuse, Blame Shifting, Distortion, Rage and Manipulation Diagram
Although this post is published under my name (Dr Tara J. Palmatier) it was actually written by one of my clients who is also a doctor in another health field. A couple weeks ago, he sent a diagram (included below) he created to discuss during our upcoming session. I was blown away. The diagram captures the abuse, blame shifting, distortion, rage and manipulation cycles that he experiences in his marriage week in and week out.
After we discussed the diagram, I asked my client if he would be willing to write a legend for it and he graciously agreed. I am very appreciative that he took the time to document what he experiences in his marriage and suspect that many of you who are reading this will, sadly, find what he describes all too familiar as well. Again, the following post and diagram were respectively written and created by one of my clients who prefers to remain anonymous:
Sorting Out the High Conflict Phases: A Personal Observation
by Anonymous Client
Most likely if you are reading this, you or someone you know is involved with a high-conflict individual and subsequently dealing with a broken or difficult relationship. If you are a guy, you probably just perked up when you read the word “broken.” Let’s face it, if you’re like me, you probably like to fix things. Fixing things can be simultaneously challenging and rewarding. But what can you do when you find yourself in an abusive, illogical and unrepairable relationship?
You could just head for the hills, but that isn’t always possible, especially in the beginning. Things are more complicated than just escaping your self-centered partner. There’s children, family, friends, finances, religious beliefs and numerous other variables involved. Even your own “manipulated” self-mental assessment regarding your accountability for the conflict may keep you from leaving. I mean, the person you thought you knew and trusted is telling you it’s all your fault, right? As a result, many of us are not so quick to leave and, therefore, have to deal with the conflict for a while. We need to seek other options.
I have been involved in health care for over twenty years and I frequently encounter patients who have medical problems that can’t be “fixed.” It is undeniable that some individuals deal with their situations much better than others. Some are in constant turmoil while others seem to have an inner peace about themselves. So the obvious question is, what makes the difference between the two groups?
It has been my observation that individuals who deal with things most effectively are on a journey to learn. They actively seek relevant knowledge regarding their problems. But equally important, they have perspective. They are able to see the bigger picture. This awareness enhances their coping skills. More simply stated, if you know what’s going on and where you might be headed, you feel better. You may not like your circumstances any better, but you feel better internally. Which group would you want to be in?
Psychological War is Hell
Over the last few years, I have read numerous articles regarding abusive relationships. I could relate to the manipulative tactics that high-conflict individuals use to abuse and control their partners. However, I had difficulty seeing the bigger picture. I knew where I had been, but I couldn’t tell where I was going. Or, could I? After reflecting on my own years of adversity, I began to recognize distinct repetitive phases to each conflict in my marriage. Each phase seemed to serve a particular role. With this revelation, I decided to try and add some perspective by analyzing the phases. The result of my efforts is the flow chart described below. If you are prone to flashbacks and nightmares I suggest you stop reading here! (Legend continues below diagram).
Tactics. This is your partner’s weapons arsenal. The list is long. She is clearly a psychological weapons specialist. Just like countries spend vast amounts of resources evaluating the weapons of other countries, you need to do so as well. I will not detail the tactics individually, but take the time to learn the weapons she uses so that you can identify them and thereby counter them more effectively in future conflicts.
The first two phases are knee jerk responses. Your significant other has been the way she is for a long time. When things don’t go her way, she just goes on autopilot and bad things happen. Let’s break it down.
Phase I
Perceived Insult. It is easy to think of this as the “trigger.” Problem is, this is no ordinary trigger. It is a hair-trigger. Anything that portrays her as less than perfect or holds her accountable will trigger her for sure. You need to evaluate what triggers your partner. If you were the one that actually triggered the response, it will be easier to identify. However, sometimes it wasn’t your finger on the trigger. More on that later.
Disproportionate Rage. This phase could easily be labeled “shock and awe.” You will be in awe because in your mind the perceived insult will not warrant the level of rage you receive. If your infraction is deemed serious enough, she is most likely to use nuclear weapons first. Don’t be surprised if you are subjected to flying objects, yelling, divorce threats, and false 911 calls. There will definitely be memories that last a lifetime!
After the mushroom cloud clears, things will de-escalate slowly. This may take hours, days or even weeks sometimes. The significant difference between the knee jerk phases and the remaining ones is that the events and conversations will become very calculated and manipulated on her part. Illogical arguments and distorted views will definitely wreak havoc on your mental faculties.
Phase II
Defensive / Retaliation. This is basically a scaled down, less violent version of the previous phase. Cluster bombing comes to mind. She has done nothing wrong! You are wrong! It’s just that simple. Anything you say is wrong. Even an apology would be wrong. Your recollections of the events are inaccurate. Nobody has ever treated her as poorly as you do.
She claims that all of her friends, doctors, therapists, parents and the mailman agree with her. They all know you are an abusive jerk. She claims she will continue to do whatever she wants. You will pay for your infraction. She is the judge, jury and executioner all in one. You are not able to get a word in edgewise at this point. All you can do is hunker down and let the bombs fall.
Phase III
Playing Nice. Are you willing to surrender? Here is your chance. She will approach you in an eerily calm manner and pretend like nothing ever happened. She will then offer some type of phony apology as well as a dose of blame. The old, “I’m sorry, but. . . it’s really your fault.” Never mind that she has repeated the same actions numerous times. That doesn’t matter. You are suppose to take her at her word that she is genuine this time.
All you have to do is admit that her actions were your fault and you need to change your ways. She will even let you speak at this point. Nothing you say will be correct but at least she will pretend to listen. Offers for make-up sex might even be made to facilitate your compliance with the program.
Secondary Arguments. If you decide to withhold raising the white flag, you will find your battlefronts broadening in scope as you engage in “topic warfare.” The topics of conflict will stray far from the original infraction. Every problem you have encountered since the beginning of your relationship will come up. Any sensitive information you have shared with her will be misconstrued against you. The attacks become very personal in nature.
You don’t make enough money. You’re a lousy lover. Every relationship she has ever had is better than this one. It goes on and on until she gets a very pivotal reaction I call the “nugget.” The nugget is any bad or politically incorrect reaction on your part. Heaven forbid if you defend yourself or call her a name. Unknowingly, you have just been read your Miranda rights. Anything you say can and will be used against you. As soon as she gets the nugget, this theater of operation is over.
Phase IV
Pseudo-Victim Creation. The nugget is the catalyst for the creation of the pseudo-victim. You are now outgunned and dealing with a psychological special operations unit. Her skills at being a professional victim are so well honed that you will even start to doubt yourself. Things get very dramatic.
She will cry, sulk and need to be consoled by friends. The guilt trips she lays on you are very intense. It has always been her, that has fought for the relationship while you have never even cared! What have you ever done for her? How can you be such a jerk? You use her as a beast of burden!
Role Reversal. At this point she has successfully taken the spotlight off of herself and put it on you. Things have come full circle. Her original reactions are completely “off topic.” You now find yourself defending yourself about one of the other issues brought up in the previous phase. You will find yourself shell-shocked and not even knowing what you are really arguing about at this point.
She will continue to repeat the cycles from “playing nice” to the “role reversal” until she is satisfied that she has either won the war or some other “hot topic” comes along and takes precedence.
Phase V
The Cloud. This is basically a cold war phase. If you accepted her phony apology, you may have been able bypass the Secondary Arguments, Pseudo-Victim Creation and Role Reversal and leap frog directly to this phase. There are no direct conflicts in the Cloud, but uncertainties are abound. The underlying hostilities are still there. There is never any real resolution or compromise to the previous situation. There is only pseudo-forgiveness. Even though the prior conflict is not talked about, it will certainly come up again in some other secondary argument phase.
Establishing a demilitarized zone and avoiding each other may provide some degree of normalcy and peace to your life. Like being in a real cloud, the visibility is poor. You have no clue what the next conflict will be about or when it will occur. If you are a veteran, you will learn to be on a mental red alert at all times.
Special Considerations
Covert Route. This happens when you weren’t the one who pulled her trigger. It is essentially a shortcut to the secondary argument phase. An example would be when you experience “topic warfare” minutes after you get home from work. An unknowing partner may think she is just in a bad mood, but in actuality, somebody insulted her during the day and she is taking it out on you to make herself feel better. A clue to confirm this is that she is mad at everybody and not just yourself.
Submissive Route. As previously noted, if you are willing to accept her phony apologies and “drink the Kool-Aid”, you can take a shortcut to the Cloud phase. Just remember, there is no amnesty granted. You still caused her to act poorly in the beginning. You are basically on parole. If you violate your parole, the conflict will immediately pick up where it left off.
Don’t Be a P.O.W.
In a normal relationship, one would be able to eliminate this cycle of conflict through understanding and compromise. However, with high-conflict individuals, this cycle is deeply ingrained within their DNA. As described above, there is no compromise. There is merely a pattern of distortion and manipulation designed to blame you for any lack of responsibility or accountability on their part. Absolute control of the partner is the goal. This is very difficult to identify and understand in the beginning.
Accordingly, it is easy to falsely blame one’s self or to simply justify their bad behaviors. Only through careful observation can one begin to perceive the true intent of your partner’s manipulative actions. In my case, the visualization of a flowchart added a tangible realization as to why the conflicts progressed as they did.
These are, of course, my own personal observations and interpretations. Your personal flow chart could vary from mine. Nevertheless, I suggest you do your own case study and study the trends. Your epiphany might just give you a different perspective. You may not like your circumstances any better, but you may be better able to cope with them until other options are available.
Thanks again to my client for this very insightful diagram and its explanation.
Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:
Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.
90 Responses to “High-Conflict Phases of Abuse, Blame Shifting, Distortion, Rage and Manipulation Diagram”
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Thank you Dr. Tara,
….. for another great article. I am glad your client (healthcare professional) chose to share it with you, and you with us. This site does a great service for which I am personally greatful!
Freedom At Last In Michigan.
hi Guys,
Talking about nuggets, i may have given my ex the golden nugget when I caved into questioning a year into our relationship and admitted sleeping with another woman 1 month after we got together. I was immature and pretty drunk and regretted it fully. But I kept it to myself for a long time which too was an awfull thing to do on my part!
I didn’t conciously see the signs but Sub conciously I was amazed and a bit over whelmed at how fast our relationship was progressing emotionally. The thing is I was questioned and accused of many things that I did not do and even accused of thinking in a certain ways in which I didn’t. the argument cycles were practically the same as what I’ve seen here. but I guess I’ll never know if she would have been like that without the cheating. She is always the victim and has never blamed herself or taken back something she said about me. just blamed me for making her feel like that. so it was always my fault she acted in that way.
Good article. I especially like the concept of the “nugget”! My ex-gf (BPD) was especially skilled at using this tactic.
After the first few months of our relationship, I began getting paranoid about what information I was willing to share with her about my family, friends, job, childhood, ex-gfs, etc, as she typically used it against me during her meltdowns. My heartfelt confessions about my personal failures, flaws and shortcomings were later used as ammunition against me in order to reinforce her ‘argument’ and further convince me that I was some kind of inhuman monster that I was always WRONG and she was right.
These sometimes produced negative reactions (“nuggets”) on my part. But near the end, I simply started retaliating with personal insults and character attacks. An eye for an eye. I had enough.
When I started to retaliate with the same style of verbal/emotional cruelty that she had inflicted on me, I realized that I needed out of the relationship. Being like that is NOT who I am. And it was a “nugget” she used to further devalue me and twist my sense of reality into thinking I truly was some kind of uncaring sub-human.
Hi dietrich,
I’m glad you realized that your ex was turning you into someone you’re not. What you described is called “defensive mirroring” in psycho-jargon. It can be really frightening to see yourself morph into someone like your ex. This is absolutely a sign that you need to get out and I’m glad you heeded it rather than sinking into the muck any deeper.
Kind Regards,
Dr Tara
The validation is refreshing. Thanks!
I also love the diagram, and the concept of the “nugget” blows my mind. I used to liken my ex to a squirrel, and these resentful bits of damaging info her “nuts,” which she would never fail to dig up out of storage and crack open in every argument we had.
Of course she would always tell me I was the one who hoarded these nuts, even though she frequently stated that she would NEVER admit to ever being wrong for fear that I would use it against her. (Honestly, my memory for such matters always paled in comparison to hers; that woman remembers no favors and forgets no slights.)
So in her mind, exactly none of my nuts were valid, because she had never admitted to being wrong…While all of hers were, because I often apologized. Mind you, she would occasionally apologize too, but it would INVARIABLY be followed by the inevitable “but you” apology-neutralizer.
God, I don’t know how I survived 17 years of that mindfuck.
Hmm. Perhaps we have a sequel post: “Reclaiming Your Nuggets.” Sorry, that’s a little off-color, but I couldn’t resist.
Dr T
Oh I got my nuggets back, alright…
She invalidated your nuts? That is inhumane. lol.. But seriously, it was good to read your post; I just broke up with my fiancee yesterday and i’m SO glad I found this article and forum. It’s amazing how they can turn the tables on you regardless of how brutally they have behaved towards you, i.e., the “but you” apology neutralizer (I like that term). “I’m sorry I threw your engagement ring into your drink at the bar, and then had drinks with another guy in front of you the rest of the night… but you drove me to do that out of frustration, and the pain from your hurtful words; you hurt me all the time with your words and you just don’t GET it!”
…And that’s their ‘apology’; another stab at you.
“You just don’t get it, do you?” was also a fave of my ex for a couple of years…She retired it for some reason; at any rate, no I did not get it. I didn’t come close to getting it until I got out and Dr. T started putting these articles on the Web.
I really hope this post helps my friend realize his situation is not his fault. He is so stuck on this issue in his own words he said “I take everything on as my “fault”. I can’t not do that. It’s who I am and how I tick.” He is a very black and white type person, I just hope that this flow chart is “ungrey” enough for him to finially see it. Thank you.
A lovely read. I found myself chuckle softly several time as I recognize the pattern now – how could I have been so blind for so long. Great post
An absolutely brilliant read!!! You hit it all right on the head. As i told my family members during pretty much all of my conflicts with my ex, “if this were really my fault, then this would all be so easy and it would already be fixed”. but it never gets fixed because its not designed to have an answer.
they want more… More… MORE from you and what you get in return is more of the same…
eegads i’m so glad i’m done with all of that!!!
HOW IS IT THAT WE ALLOW OURSELVES TO GET ROPED INTO RELATIONSHIPS WITH THIS TYPE OF WOMAN???
That’s SO true! No matter how flexible, patient, humble, communicative you are… no matter how much you do to CHANGE yourself (because of course it’s YOU that has to do the changing; she says, “everyone one thinks I’m so patient with you, or I’m a sucker for staying in this relationship because it’s so destructive to me (yet the previous week called you paranoid for thinking people are judging you…and swears she NEVER talks about her relationships to her friends lol); and I’ve never had these problems in relationships before” (yet she happens to be divorced with two kids, and a personalized ringtone for her ex-husband; “When You See My Face (I Hope It Gives You Hell)”…yeah… THAT indicates a harmonious, emotionally mature woman.
What amazes me the most is how they seem normal at first (maybe a little self-righteous, bossy, or stubborn, but it’s ‘normal enough’ to get under the radar. Then over time, they wear down your will and self-esteem to the point where you actually start to believe it’s your personal character flaws that are destroying the relationship and and causing her so much torment. How do we get brainbashed into this state. Better question, how can we even lament the loss, or feel badly about the end, after all this manipulation, and emotional/verbal abuse?
It’s taking all the willpower I have not to avoid thinking about the whole thing through booze. Can’t let her have any more negative impact onmy life than she already has.
Hi fuzzylogic72
My ex BPD guy said “I never had these problems in relationships before” yet he talked about his communication problems with his exs. He said he did have the issues with them but it was different with me. I realised for the first 6 months I went along with his stories but when I started to call on his controlling behaviour and all his BPD behaviours then he would get angry and blame me for everything. I think what your ex really means is that she was able to totally control all her exs and they never worked out the truth about her, even after the break up. Where as you worked out all her BS and questioned her and started standing up for yourself. Do not feel bad about ending it with her. Consider yourself lucky you got yourself out of her claws. The good thing is that you will be able to spot these kind of women from miles away even though they are nice at the beginning but if you pay close attention they usually slip up in very small ways even on the first date. They do wear you down and drain you but I still wake up with a smile on my face knowing I do not have to deal with his BS anymore.
I can totally empathize with Dietrich…tonight I told my gf that her head-games aren’t working on me anymore and of course started denying that she is not playoing head-games with me…whatever…I told her I’m not going to get into it and also told her that I am now going to be taking care of myself now. She is totally therreatened by this Website…she said I turned into a real A*****e over the last couple of weeks…I guess Dr. T. was right in that once you stick up for yourself, they start panicking. She said that I wasn’t allowed to use any of the furniture because she bought it and I should just go sleep at my mother’s from now on…I said fine, but you know what…You take care of the Mortgage payments and all the bills…she then said, “Continue ruining my life”, to which I said, “I’m not going to pay for anything that I’m not using…”
Hi Bogeyman,
This is why I recommend NOT showing this site to your abusive wife/gf/ex. You’re not going to get the validation you’re seeking and you make ma a target by doing so. Share the information here with your family and friends, but please do not share it with your abuser. It’s not going to have the desired effect. More than likely, she will turn it around and use it against you.
Thanks,
Dr T
You are so right Dr. T….She is upstairs in the bedroom sulking right now because she didn’t win over me again, thanks to your website…I basically told her…you want to act like a B***ch, I’m going to treat you like a B**ch, you want to treat me with respect, I’m going to treat you with respect back…I guess tonight was my final last chance to see if there was any glimmer of hope, but to no avail…you are right on the point…
Unfortunately, I have family members who will show, or may already have shown her, this site.
It could explain my ex’s weird behavior yesterday. Several weeks back I asked if we could switch weekends with the kids for a weekend in early December. She chose not to answer at the time and finally got back to me yesterday morning, asking if I still wanted to swap weekends, and also bringing up our 14 YO’s report card, which is mediocre / bad.
I answered that a swap would be very helpful — my new wife and I had a wedding to go to 200 miles away. I also offered to let her have the kids for a few hours on Xmas Eve to sweeten the pot and in an attempt to thaw things between us a little bit.
As for our son’s grades, she has always had a hair-trigger temper. She always yelled, and his grades have stayed mediocre his whole life. I was the same way, a chronic underachiever. Getting yelled at never got me anywhere. I believe more in carrots than sticks, though both are necessary, whereas she thinks she can bludgeon her way through everything. That was another thing we fought about dozens of times.
Anyway, like I said, sometimes sticks are necessary, and I told her I would be taking away his Xbox on my weekends until he brought up his two D’s to low B’s.
And then she was Strawberry Shortcake all of a sudden, saying he needed more compassion, and that I was being too harsh, though of course it “was all up to [me].” (I love how they defer decision-making to you, then tell you you’re wrong no matter what choice you make. Reminds me of the fun that would ensue when she would tell me to pick a restaurant.)
She stressed that this new-found softness of heart was because “he had been through a lot the last few weeks,” referring to my wedding, which took place last weekend. So, you see, his bad grades were all my fault. While I understand that this is a lot for him to handle right now, it would have more impact if she hadn’t been blaming me for his grades since Kindergarten.
And then there was the swapped weekend. Nine hours after it was offered, it was off the table because she “forgot” she was going to be out of the country between Dec 17 and Dec 26. How that slipped her mind I don’t know; she hasn’t been overseas, where her family lives, in ten years.
Nor has she seen her family at all; she banned them from visiting her here, for reasons she has never made clear. I think she is either ashamed of them, or fears that my snobby and judgmental family won’t like them, or both. (As to the latter, I fear she is right.)
In 16 years of marriage, her parents met my non-snobby dad and step-mom but no other members of my large family. And somehow that remains okay with those same nose-in-the-air family members. They just love her, even though she’s thrown her parents and brothers under the bus.
Anyway, all of this roughly coincided with me sending my aunt (my ex’s good buddy) some links from the site. My aunt never acknowledged reading them, even after I prodded her about it several days after they were originally sent, and then here came these bizarre emails from my ex. Sadly, this wouldn’t be the first time this aunt has told my ex everything I’ve written in a private email, either.
One of these days when I am feeling creative I will put together a Cluster B Decision Tree. It will include a section with an infinite loop. Once you enter it, you can’t get out. An example being how she can recall every time (both real and imagined) you have affronted her, and recite them all in detail over and over again in a single conversation. The diagram would also include decision gates like, “If one thing is wrong, is everything wrong?” where the only choices are, “Yes” and, “Yes”. The possibilities are endless.
I’d love to see that, Verbal. Can I take that as an official offer?
Dr T
I’ll see what I can do!
Brilliant. I can’t wait to see it. As I read you post, I was already picturing it.
Alright, Dr. T. I have a draft. Where do I send it to?
This is verbatim what my husband goes through with his ex to this day. Unfortunately, he cannot cut all ties with her as he shares custody of his two beautiful children. He’s a devoted father and wonderful husband. She continued her emotional haranguing after the divorce to the point that she is court ordered to only contact him via email for parenting matters. This doesn’t stop her, but at least he can take a step back, breathe and formulate a good, appropriate response. I see this cycle. She is sticky sweet – she wants something. She’s polite? She’s setting a trap for him to walk into with no way out. Raging out of control over something petty? Her will was thwarted and she can’t control him. Hammer, Nail, Head – great article
Thats a really good description of the abuse cycle, but understanding the process is not controlling it. How do you ever have any serious discussions and ever get anything resolved if you are always wrong and walking on eggshells.
I also have to disagree with the suggestion that there is any good reason to stay in such a soul destroying relationship, especially when she threatens the nuclear bomb of “calling 911″.
The psychological abuse is debilitating and confusing, the physical abuse is absolutely frightening. For me, the final straw was the threat that I would never see my kids again if I divorced her. I had to do it to protect my relationship with my beautiful children and ensure that they would not learn that it is okay to treat Daddy like garbage. I always worry about them.