Scenes from an Abusive Marriage: Should You Post an Abusive Wife’s Behavior on YouTube?
There’s a topic thread being discussed on the Shrink4Men Forum this week about a series of videos posted on YouTube by a man who suspects his wife has Borderline Personality Disorder or some combination of Cluster B personality traits based on how he’s tagged the videos. There are 11 videos in all, which are disturbing to watch on many levels.
As I watched the first two videos, I wondered, “Is this an audition for a reality show? Is this real?” The wife is fully aware she’s being video taped during her nasty verbal diarrhea episodes and physical attacks and doesn’t seem to mind the camera until she starts to really lose it towards the end of some of the clips.
The husband, Greg, remains calm throughout most of the videos, countering his wife’s verbal attacks calmly by saying, “That’s not true.” Sometimes, he sounds a little smarmy, but then again, if I were repeatedly accused of things I didn’t do, I would probably employ sarcasm, too. Greg asks his wife, Lynne, for specific examples of his behavior when she hurls accusations at him, which she can’t substantiate (telltale sign you may be dealing with a high-conflict person and/or abusive personality disordered individual, by the way).
There are many things I find disturbing about this collection of videos. The most troubling aspect is that many of these abusive episodes take place in front of their 2 young children. On more than one occasion, Greg states, “I thought we weren’t going to do this in front of the children, Lynne” only to be ignored. The daughter is crying and upset in one clip because Lynne tells her, “your father doesn’t love me anymore and we’re going to separate.” When confronted by Greg, Lynne denies saying this. The husband asks the son what his mother said and the boy confirms that his mother indeed told them they’re going to separate. The son quips that he should live with dad and his baby sister should live with mom, to which his sister exclaims, “Not fair!”
I think Greg should absolutely be recording his wife’s abusive tirades for his own protection as Lynne also threatens to call the police in one of the clips. Lynne is physically coming after Greg and he puts his arm out to stop her. He needs to record this so she can’t twist events and tell the police he attacked her. However, I’m uncomfortable with the way he questions his children in some of the videos and that he has posted videos of his children on YouTube.
In reality, it can be difficult not to drag the kids in the middle of parental conflict. Lynne clearly has no compunction about doing so, while the husband states he doesn’t want the kids to witness the adult conflict, but then questions them about it. If you’re in a relationship like this, you need to address it with your children, but I don’t think this is the right way to do so. I’d rather see a father talk to his kids about how they feel when mom and dad fight and then try to allay their fears. This is probably something best done off camera, but I don’t know. Maybe it’s necessary. It still makes me uncomfortable.
I think I understand why Greg’s doing this. I assume he wants people to see what goes on behind the closed doors of his marriage. Lynne’s clearly disturbed, angry and violent. This type of evidence should be admissible in court, but should it be posted on YouTube?
Here’s the first video in the series:
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YouTube DirektMarriage in Plano, Tx, Part 1
What I find most amazing is that Lynne shows absolutely no shame when confronted with her abusive and violent behavior. In fact, she freely admits to it. Also notice how she backpedals on her accusations of his alleged abuse toward her. First it’s “you strangled me,” then it’s “Okay, you didn’t strangle me, but you pinned me against a wall.”
In the second video, Lynne goes after her husband with a hammer once she’s decided he’d gotten enough of her verbal attacks on film. Their daughter is in the room as she embarks upon her semi-intelligible rant:
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YouTube DirektMarriage in Plano, Tx, Part 2
Notice how the wife is going to tell her parents that her husband wants her to take Prozac, a common tactic—”I’m going to tell on you and everyone will see I’m right and you’re wrong!” By the way, Greg never said he wanted Lynne to take Prozac, but that he would support her if she’d be willing to take steps to improve herself. There’s lots of other crazy stuff in this video. Lynne blames her behavior on PMS, their relationship, turning 35, her bad haircut, etc. She states she won’t see a doctor unless he finds a job—not sure what one thing has to do with the other.
This next video occurs after Lynne has thrown a glass of milk at Greg. I can’t believe the way she carries on in front of the kids, however, the kids seem to just be taking it all in stride:
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YouTube DirektMarriage in Plano, Tx, Part 5
Lynne apologizes for getting some of the milk directed at Greg on the kids, but isn’t sorry about her violence toward Greg. The bit about, “If you love your father so much more I’ll leave home and you can go be with your father” followed by “your father can go f–k someone else” is horrific. PAS to the 10th power.
This next video is an example of how you DON’T talk to kids about divorce, complete with threats by Lynne to call her sister to “get her [husband] in trouble” and a threat to call CPS:
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YouTube DirektMarriage in Plano, Tx, Part 8
Lynne continues to terrorize her daughter with the threat of divorce, which seems to have resulted from Greg not giving Lynne money to go shopping earlier in the day:
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YouTube DirektMarriage in Plano, Tx, Part 9
This video was incredibly painful to watch. My heart breaks for the children and Greg. Ideally, he should have been able to get out of that relationship and get his kids away from that woman before this incident ever happened. I don’t know the details, but speculate that he was probably terrified Lynne would receive primary custody.
These last two videos seem to be voicemail recordings made after Greg and Lynne separated. The first is a classic name-calling attack and the second is Lynne threatening to have Greg “put down”:
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YouTube DirektMarriage in Plano, Tx, Epitome of a Fool
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YouTube DirektMarriage in Plano, Tx, Put you down
What are your thoughts about this video series? Is this something you would consider doing? Is this something more abused men should be doing? What do you think? Perhaps these videos or something like them could be used to raise public awareness. What are your thoughts?
UPDATE: EPILOGUE
The man who filmed these horrific videos depicting Lynne’s monstrous, abusive and pathological behavior registered with the Shrink4Men site and left a comment the day after I published this post. Here’s Greg’s epilogue, which can also be found on the third comments page:
Hello. My name is Greg. These are my home videos. I read and re-read the comments with great interest and am honored to be supported by many. (Including the many supporters who have written through Youtube) Following countless tirades over the years, increasing exponentially after the birth of our second child, I would set a video camera on the mantle aimed at “us.”
Recording or not it was intended to be a silent witness with the sole intent of tempering my then-wife’s tantrums. I reasoned, who would continue a vituperous attack with the potential of being exposed? The answer is: My then-wife. On one occasion she grabbed the camera and bolted for the wall of the back yard and attempted to hurl it over into traffic. I gripped the camera in the nick of time.
The camera was freely accessible for use by anyone but to my dismay, on many occasions, was not charged or was not loaded with a tape. I always believed that the last tirade was, well… the last tirade. That she would come to some epiphany – that her actions and demeanor would somehow end and she would become a loving mother and wife for the sake of her children. That was not to be.
Lynn could have taken control of the camera and recorded me at any time except, I never behaved in a manner that would have been “recordable.” It was very perceptive of Dr. Palmatier to write, “I hope there was a happy ending, but for some reason, I doubt it.” This child custody dispute was the fight of my life.
I engaged the services of one of the most expensive and tenured attorneys in Collin County. He cratered. He failed to get these videos in front of the judge with the resulting ruling that we would have “Shared Managerial Custody” but that Lynn would be the parent to decide the residence of the children – primary custody – to the dismay of [deleted.] My emotional death occurred that day.
Lynn’s remarried to a previous friend of our family. He filed for divorce one month after our divorce became final though they were dating prior to his petition. Lynn continues to perpetrate her fears and insecurities upon the children. She has always assailed their self-esteem and probably always will. That’s how cluster-Bs work – instead of elevating themselves, they find parity with others by bringing others down. They are unable to feel empathy for others, including their children, as everything is alway about themselves.
To the people that believe that I should have removed the children before Lynn’s eruptions… that is like saying to a person who lost their house in a tornado, “Why didn’t you leave when you saw clouds forming on the horizon?” Not that it would matter, the house was still destroyed. To those who wrote they felt I should have protected by children’s identity, I reply… My children are older now and do not resemble their likeness in the video. If someone we know were to recognize them for who they are, so what? They are not culpable and can not be implicated in their parents failings. And I’m not attempting to hide Lynn’s or my identity.
As for me questioning Preston and Brooke following an episode, it seems so benign in comparison – they had just endured a BPD episode and I needed to establish some facts. Dr. Palmatier was correct when she wrote, “[Feels] broken with nothing like he has nothing to lose.”
On one occasion I messaged Lynn and asked if I could take the children to lunch. The reply was from her new husband informing me that I could not. Lynn has always abrogated her parenthood to the advice of the person she is with at the time. (A facet of BPD) I repeatedly asked her husband not to attempt to walk in my shoes to no avail. Recently, Lynn messaged me to demand that I not become engaged at the schools, as I have, and will.
Her continuous taking ownership of the kids induced me to bring out the videos. Now her years of lies, disparagement, malignment, and vilification of me will be revealed. Now all can see where the excentricities lie. But a few things will never change… I love my children as much as any father ever has. Preston and Brooke know who their father is and as I have echoed throughout the years, “If you’ve ever got a problem, I am your go-to Dad.
From their birth onward it was I that nurtured them mentally and emotionally. I was and is I that offers them unconditional love. Lynn loves them too, except, Lynn doesn’t love the children more than she loves herself. Otherwise, she would not have destroyed their otherwise happy childhood. My son calls me every night and I talk to my daughter almost every week. And when they have a problem, question, or concern – they call the person who will never place his own interests before theirs, their Dad.
Nine of twelve videos are posted on Youtube. Keywords: “Marriage in Plano TX” I am reluctant to post videos 10, 11, or 12. They’re too disturbing. Comments welcome.
P.S. Many suggested that I “knock that b***h the f**k out!” This is Texas and I was not going to take the bait. I may have been tempted but I never sacrificed my dignity in front of my children. I never cheated on or hit my wife and as a result can to this day hold my sceptre high. P.P.S. Following the events of video 9, Lynn did call the police and accuse me of assaulting her. By the time the police arrived I had removed the children from the scene.
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Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.
93 Responses to “Scenes from an Abusive Marriage: Should You Post an Abusive Wife’s Behavior on YouTube?”
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Wow… I am shocked speechless after watching these videos! That woman is out of control. I can’t believe she allowed him to tape her!
Frankly, I don’t blame Greg for recording Lynne. Men have to do whatever they can to protect themselves. On the other hand, I’m not sure how I feel about this drama being posted on YouTube. I feel sorry for the children who are being exposed in these videos and would have hoped Greg would have done more to protect them and their identities. But, I have to admit, these videos do show that woman are capable of being abusive and they serve as evidence that might help change some mindsets.
I plan to show my husband these videos when he comes home later. I bet I’m going to see him tear up because he recognizes the abuse so acutely.
I was showing these videos to a friend yesterday who was in an abusive marriage for many years and he couldn’t watch the first video for more than a minute because the woman’s tone of voice was too unnerving for him.
Yeah, I expect a similar reaction from my husband. He works with a guy who is currently in an abusive marriage like this one and desperately trying to hang onto it. This guy’s wife has repeatedly called him at work and verbally abuses him. She calls him a f–king a–hole so loudly that my husband in the next cubicle can hear it. My husband has told me he has to leave the room sometimes when that man’s wife calls because it reminds him too much of his experiences with his abusive ex wife. I doubt he’ll want to see more than a minute of these videos.
Strangely enough, my husband’s ex wife has made it so that I look like an angel, even on the rare occasions when I do get upset enough to raise my voice. I’ve been told repeatedly that being married to me is effortless in comparison. I never thought anyone would ever tell me that!
knotheadusc’s husband here. She’s right. I couldn’t watch more than a minute of the first video before I had to look away. It wasn’t so much the content of her speech as her delivery. Whenever my ex went on a tirade her countenance seemed to change-literally as if she were possessed. She seemed to “spit” everything out from some place deep within her core. Some very angry, wounded place. Like a Tenebrositas. It was as if her Shadow had taken over. I’d often wonder if I’d wake up the next morning or be in some morgue.
Hi Winston,
Very sorry you went through a similar relationship. No one should have to suffer abuse. The look on Lynne’s face at the end of the hammer clip is terrifying. She looked absolutely possessed.
I must admit that watching the videos was painful for me too. It hit all to close to home for me. I’m currently in the middle of divorcing my BPD ex. It was interesting to see that many of the behaviors are quite similar. I also noticed that just watching the videos caused my own anxiety level to go up. I had to get up and go for a walk. It was really painful to see the pain that this type of bad behavior does to the kids. What are the harmful long term effects of this type of behavior on small kids? or teens? I have a teenage son who is closely aligned with his BPD mother. Per my shrink and my son’s shrink, there is serious parental alienation occurring. My son is not BPD, bud he has also learned some of his mother’s bad behaviors, and he is rewarded for them. Sadly, no one is willing to really do anything about it. Per my son’s shrink, “No judge is ever going to take away a closely aligned son from his mother, no matter how bad of a co-parent she is.” Sadly, my ex has also figured this out. She does a good job of straddling the edge so that she can covertly behaive badly and not get found out. The possibility of her being outted is the only thing that bounds her bad behavior.
I too found this disturbing and I only watched the first one. Watching the video made me feel like I was back in my marriage again.
I saw no point in re-exposing to that kind a drama even in video format.
It even disturbed me, and I’ve been no contact with my BPD ex for 20 years.
Painful to watch but I can certainly understand the purpose in filming….I wouldn’t go on Youtube with it though. It brought back memories – bad memories, and am reminded that (even with video evidence) that you could never convince one of these BPDs that they are anything but a victim….ever. Crazy.
“you could never convince one of these BPDs that they are anything but a victim.” And herein lies the reason why you need to protect yourself and get out. Until the abusive partner can acknowledge there’s a problem and not blame it on their haircut, PMS or YOU, you can’t solve this and you can’t make it better. It infuriates me that even w/evidence like these videos that this woman was probably able to get custody of her kids. I’d love to hear from Greg (if he’s reading this post) about what’s happened and how he and the kids are doing. I hope there was a happy ending, but for some reason, I doubt it.
I am amazed that she continues with her tantrums knowing that she is being videoed.
My Cluster B wife lives in mortal fear of being “outed”. She will rage at me while scanning the nearest window in case there is anyone outside who could hear her. She’ll rage at me on the phone, then ask, “Are you recording this? I keep hearing clicking sounds.” (Really? How can you hear anything when you’re bellowing at the top of your lungs?)
If I ever pulled out a video camera and said, “I’m recording this”, she would instantly transform into Pollyanna.
“I am amazed that she continues with her tantrums knowing that she is being videoed.”
Me, too, Verbal. On the other hand, she doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with her behavior and even her small admission of bad behavior was quickly deflected by blaming Greg. If you don’t think there’s anything wrong w/your behavior, I reckon a camera isn’t an issue. However, I wonder what she was going to do to Greg in the two videos where she wanted the camera turned off. I wonder what even more horrific abuse she wanted to commit w/out documentation.
My Cluster B wife lives in mortal fear of being “outed”.
A former friend of mine is exactly like this. She was completely able to control herself and tirades until she could manage to not be seen or heard by others. This is why I have so much trouble with “they don’t consciously do this or can’t help themselves.” I’m sure the conditions are worse for each person.
Also, compared to my wife, this Lynne chick’s tantrums are strictly bush league.
Those videos brought it all back. It’s sick and more men should do this. It needs this sort of exposure to bring it out in the open.
My own is at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=efoF_XNKk6I
I couldn’t record in the face like these videos so hid a web cam. I used my mobile as well which she was aware of.
That’s awful, Derek. What a nasty piece of work she is. Are you still living under these conditions?
No, thankfully I got away last year, but I’m having to fight through the courts now to see the kids.
ugh…AXH1 said almost the same thing to me, “I could really be a much bigger a-hole than I’m choosing to be.” (laugh first, then)…okay, sweetie pie. That’s very noble. Please hold while I conference that one with the Nobel committee!
congrats for getting away from Ms. Compassionate.
Wow. Number 5 was a really familiar scene. She is offended at some insignificant thing, reads a huge amount of non-existent hostility into it and then rages at him and gets her ‘digs’ in. She cant even see that the way he was ‘digging’ at her was all in her head. Shes just got to be the vicitm and show what an ass he is and then has to continually put him down – all based on her false interpretation of his intent to upset her by putting the paper down. At least as far as I could tell from the video she was upset about something having to do with the paper? Maybe because he put the paper down as she was trying to clean house? I dont know. I cant really listen too loudly at work.
Ive had so many similar interactions.
Watching the videos was pretty unpleasant, coming from someone that was in one of these marriages. As the first one played I found myself getting anxious, my anxiety level shot up, my breathing became more shallow.
The snide, snotty attitude was my ex’s trademark. When I hear that cutting tone and snottiness I instantly go into panic mode.
“Is this something you would consider doing?”
- I doubt my wife would have let me. I tried to record one of her tirades with a digital voice recorder and she saw it and flipped out. I cant imagine trying with a video camera.
“Is this something more abusive men should be doing? What do you think? Perhaps these videos or something like them could be used to raise public awareness. What are your thoughts?”
I think it would be good for public awareness. Maybe a facebook page or a National Male survivors of abuse day or something. People are so quick to assume that when someone speaks of a man being abused they see him as some gutless wimp. Its just not true, we CANT fight back, if we do we go to jail. Even if we raise our voices or get as nasty as the women are that only gives them more ammo to claim WE are the abusive ones. We are totally powerless in the law, the eyes of the public and in our own homes.
“we CANT fight back, if we do we go to jail. Even if we raise our voices or get as nasty as the women are that only gives them more ammo to claim WE are the abusive ones. We are totally powerless in the law, the eyes of the public and in our own homes.”
Very true and very unjust.
This reminds me of my ex-husband. He would rant and scream and twist everything I said. We finally divorced and I was awarded sole custody of our 3 children. Because he felt this was wrong–because there is “nothing wrong with him”–he refused to see the kids. He felt they were “aqainst him too”. That was 7 years ago and now they are adults. They have tried to have a relationship with him, but they recognize the unhealthiness of his behavior and just can’t do it. I pray these children are with their father and grow to understand this is not how to behave and not how one should be treated.
I don’t agree with this father asking the children to repeat their mother’s actions for the camera, but I think filming this was the best thing he could do to protect himself. No one is perfect, but I can’t imagine he deserved any of this.
Can anyone give me their opinion about this one?
If a woman says, “I’ll call you whenever…”, would this be considered a controlling tactic?
Dr. T writes: “Ideally, he should have been able to get out of that relationship and get his kids away from that woman before this incident ever happened. I don’t know the details, but speculate that he was probably terrified Lynne would receive primary custody.”
That may be the case but don’t underestimate the power of a dysfunctional relationship to draw both parties in, and keep them fighting the same battle over and over again in a kind of pointless and destructive yet addictive ritualized kabuki.
If he wanted out he wouldn’t be posting these videos on YouTube, he’d use them in court an move on. Posting on the web just ratchets up the conflict level, gives his wive ammo to use in court, gives their drama extra life by spreading it into the blogosphere, virtually guarantees the involvement of their friends and family and gives this phase of their war a shelf life that will last for years after the divorce papers are inked. I think he’s much more interested in scoring points than in making practical use of these videos in court.
The minute you find yourself trying to score points you know you’ve become as invested in the madness as she is.
Videotaping an abusive spouse makes perfect sense to me. But putting his kids on YouTube like this is unforgivable. Their anger at each other, and their determination to prove who’s ‘right’, has reached such a fever pitch that neither of them give a sh*t about the kids. The children, without their consent or the maturity to even grasp what’s happening, are made public spectacles for who knows how many decades.
She’s a BPD nightmare, but shame on him.
jp; with all due respect, none of us ‘out here’ know all the intimate details of what went on when the camera was not running, or what exact behavior caused him to feel such utter desperation to begin to videotape her.
For all I know, his friends have turned on him; her ‘friends’ (entourage of fools) may be disparaging his name, telling lies and spreading falsehoods about him all over the internet. Perhaps she is the reason why he couldn’t find / keep a job??? Of course, this is all pure conjecture.
The first thing that I thought of was it seemed an act of desperation…like he had tried talking to her, tried working with her, tried getting her to see she needed help, and was at the end of his rope. I know exactly how that feels, as I have myself felt the need to videotape my supervisor and tap my own phone at work as a way of protecting myself from her sudden ‘snaps’ into livid, rage mode.
I don’t want to make excuses; it’s horrible to show what the children endured. But again, if she is no doubt on a massive smear campaign telling everyone that he abused the children (which I guess could be mildly argued by the way he didn’t intercede with his daughter or refuse to continue the fight until the children were out of ear / camera shot), maybe this was a last-ditch, desperate attempt to let the world see who was really the one ranting.
I was amazed at the little boy who in the video where she’s wiping up her milk (and hiding her shame by projecting it at Greg), who kept saying, “That’s not true!” Man, those kids, God help them, have greater mental clarity than their so-called adult parents!
One of the videos I watched in the series (it may not be one of the ones I posted) was time stamped February 2000. Maybe they’ve been long-divorced and he’s just now posting them? Maybe his kids were long ago PAS’d? Maybe he’s broken and feels like he has nothing left to lose? I think anyone who would go to these lengths is probably at the end of his rope. I think it’s hard to rise above and do the right thing all the time, every time, when you’re living under these conditions. When a disordered person is going off like Lynne, you can’t really keep the kids out of it. There’s really no way to keep them from witnessing that behavior. I agree. I wouldn’t have posted the children w/out masking their faces and I would have muted the first and last names, but then, that’s easy to say from where I sit. I wasn’t living under those conditions.
I have to confess, none of the scenarios you or TheGirlInside suggest–particularly the idea that the husband was posting these out of desperate self-defense against a smear campaign or to reach out to the kids who’d been PAS’d from him since the divorce–had occured to me. Your points are well taken.
Good to see you here, jp. I hope you’re well. As always, I very much value your insights. This is such a gut-wrenching issue.
Victims absolutely should capture these kinds of rants. I have recorded a few of my bpd wife. including the time she broke her hand trying to hit me while I was sitting on the couch with my son.
I haven’t played them for anyone though. At first I didn’t think anyone would believe that someone could act this insane, but once I found this site I realized I wasn’t alone.
Radio Shack used to sell a very simple phone tap; no speakerphone needed. It was a simple wire on one end that would plug into a tape recorder, with a suction cup on the other end that would stick to the ‘ear’ part of the phone…just make sure to hit ‘record’ before or while talking on the phone. It worked great! I should see if they have one that I can hook up to my computer at work (bullying supervisor).
I’m told that I’m not allowed to tap my own phone, but at this point, I’m willing to do what it takes to protect myself. She’s very slick about making sure to only ‘let loose’ when there are no witnesses/ recorded communication.