To the Victim Go the Spoils: False Allegations, Men as Default Scapegoats and Why Some Women Get Away with Murder
Look at that poor woman crying! I wonder what he did to her?
Pretend the image on the left is a Thematic Apperception Test card and make up a story about it.
Is the woman crying because she discovered her boyfriend had been cheating on her, dumped her and emptied their joint account to go on holiday with the other woman? Do you feel sorry for her and ready to blame the jerk who made her cry?
Or is the woman crying because she stalked her abused ex-boyfriend and his new fiancee to a party, crashed it, made a scene and was told to leave? Are the tears born out of desperation, frustration, anger, jealousy, a refusal to accept the consequences of her behavior and as a ploy to elicit sympathy from others?
“Why won’t he just talk to meeeeeeee? Why is he so mean to meeeee? All I ever . . . hiccup . . . hiccup . . . did is love him!” Do you still want to protect her and blame her ex-boyfriend, who, in reality, she emotionally and physically abused during their 18-month relationship? Or does knowing the facts of the situation change your chivalrous, caretaker impulses?
How Empathy and Sympathy Are Used to Manipulate the Unsuspecting
When we see someone crying, we feel bad for them. If we’ve suffered pain or loss, we typically feel compassion when we see a fellow human being suffering. It’s an admirable human quality.
Because we have empathy, when we see a woman who’s very tearful or angry, we remember the last time we felt that way. We remember the good reasons we had for feeling that way; i.e., we actually experienced a real loss or betrayal. We then may erroneously assume that when a woman is in such outward turmoil there must be a legitimate reason for it, too.
Enter the professional victim, the high-conflict person (HCP) and/or the abusive personality disordered individual (APDI; histrionic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder, narcissistic personality disorder, antisocial personality disorder, paranoid personality disorder, avoidant personality disorder, dependent personality disorder). These women know how to make themselves appear to be the victim and work it to their advantage. You see, they’re not really victims. They don the role of victim to manipulate others.
A professional victim’s, HCP’s and/or APDI’s entire emotional landscape revolves solely around herself, her feelings and having things her way. When these women experience the slightest frustration or disappointment and things don’t go their way, they react as if they’re experiencing an extreme form of excruciating torture and then cue the waterworks and self-righteous outrage.
To the unsuspecting observer, such as a family court judge, custody evaluator, attorney, police officer on a domestic dispute call or rape allegation, family friend or juror in the Casey Anthony trial, the tears appear real. Most people reason, “She’s so upset something really bad must’ve happened.” The tears may very well be real, but not for the reasons we think.
Professional victims, HCPs, APDIs and other predators bank on others making this fundamental mistake. The tears, anger and fear are often real, but very misleading. The HCP is so desperate to get her way that she works herself into a very convincing tizzy. Sometimes, the HCP is so convincing, she actually begins to believe her own lies and, thus, becomes even more convincing.
The Other Half of the Equation: Men as Default Scapegoats
Of course, there are male professional victims, but female professional victims have a distinct advantage over their male counterparts. As a society, we tend to see women as default victims and men as default scapegoats.
Typically, we don’t think of men as victims. We can’t even recognize it when we’re confronted by physical evidence of it.
ABC News did a story in which a woman is observed verbally and physically assaulting a man. All but one passerby assumed the man being assaulted “deserved it” because “he cheated on her” or committed some other offense. Only one passerby intervened and asked if the man was okay. Even the off-duty cop who witnessed the staged assault didn’t stop to ask if the man was alright.
We tend to rationalize female violence and vilify male violence. When a woman claims she was abused as a child or by her partner, society makes excuses for her when she behaves badly. Alternatively, our society tends not to have the same degree of sympathy and urge to protect men who claim they were abused as children or by a partner.
Dr Warren Farrell, PhD refers to this as the invisibility of male suffering.
There are also different consequences for female vs. male perpetrated crimes. Female perpetrators go to counseling and, on rare occasions, are sentenced to jail, but for much lighter sentences than their male counterparts receive. Male perpetrators go to jail. Period.
Men rarely get the, “Poor man. What you did is technically a crime, but we understand because you were abused as a child and your wife verbally abused you, so it’s not really your fault. Enough scolding. Big hug and off to community counseling with you. Oh, and you get to keep custody of the children even though you deny access to their mother and have been practicing a campaign of parental alienation for the last 5 years,” that women often receive in criminal and family courts.
As a society, we’re inclined to believe accusations about men. If a woman accuses a man of rape, he’s automatically assumed guilty and treated as such. Men accused of rape suffer immediate consequences, long before their guilt or innocence is proven.
Before men go to court, their names are publicized and they’re forever branded rapists and the consequences last a lifetime. There are examples of this in the press right now: Julian Assange and Dominque Strauss-Kahn. Long before these men have their day in court, they’ve been tried and found guilty in the court of public opinion. Most of the time, all a woman has to do is cry and point her finger in blame at a man and he’s toast.
We’ve been conditioned to treat men and women differently, especially when it comes to conflict and expressing violent emotions. There’s a greater tolerance for emotional outbursts and emotional extremism by women. We tend to contrive excuses for women’s violence toward men and even blame men for women’s bad behavior.
When men express legitimate anger and frustration about the ways they’re mistreated and abused, society labels them “angry” and they immediately become suspect or mandated to anger management classes.
How Predatory Women and Some Attorneys Use Society’s Gender Biases and Double Standards to their Advantage
It’s easy to portray men as villains in domestic disputes. The Court is predisposed to recognize a pattern of domestic abuse in which the woman is the victim. Judges recognize the pattern of male perpetrated domestic abuse because the domestic violence industry spends millions of dollars every year training judges to only recognize domestic violence as a male perpetrated crime.
In the hands of a savvy attorney, the court’s predisposition can be a powerful advantage.
Attorneys and their female clients know that men are unlikely to fight back and defend their reputations if the dispute is characterized as an abuse case. It’s an uneven playing field for men because the social and professional consequences of abuse allegations are severe, regardless of the outcome of the case.
Most men opt to settle swiftly, even on unfavorable terms, rather than contend with the intangible social and financial costs of abuse allegations. Even when men want to defend themselves, the legal costs are often too high, so they plea out. There’s no “victory” for men in such cases. The best they can do is emerge with their reputations intact.
As a result, there is an incentive to concoct abuse allegations against men. For the women, there’s no downside to making such claims, such as in the Tracy West and Louis Gonzalez, III case. Even if the claims are entirely untrue, there are rarely consequences for the abuser, only for the falsely accused.
Some women are coached to make false allegations of domestic violence, rape and child abuse. Their attorneys file baseless restraining orders to raise the stakes on men in the divorce or custody cases. These tactics don’t just hurt men. They hurt the children and families of these men. They also create widespread corrosive cynicism about the family court and the efficacy of the justice system.
Making men the default scapegoat for society’s ills is no different than making a minority or immigrant group the default scapegoat. It’s over broad, it’s unfair, it’s dishonest and it’s discrimination. It’s incredibly damaging to boys and young men, gender relations, relationships, families and “the best interests of the children.” And it gives predatory women a free pass.
It’s necessary to recognize that male abuse exists. Such abuse happens every day, but this is not a conversation America is ready to have. As a result of that silence, we have an invisible epidemic. As a culture we lack the language to describe it, we can’t recognize it and we’re unwilling to confront the implications of it.
This isn’t just a matter of a few women who manipulate the legal system in a family law case. There are two huge industries, the Family Law industry and the Domestic Violence industry, who have a strong financial motivation to perpetuate the myth that women are the only victims of abuse to the tune of well over $4 billion dollars a year (the $4 billion is just for the DV industry — I don’t know how much Family Courts and family law attorneys amass each year).
When you combine our natural tendency to feel empathy for the suffering of women, society’s tendency to make women default victims and men default scapegoats, the double standards and gender biases of family court and the judiciary system, the financial incentives of individual divorce and custody cases and the enormous financial incentives of both the divorce and domestic violence industries, you get the mess we have today in which female predators masquerading as victims are rewarded while the real male victims and their children are being destroyed.
To the “victim” go the spoils.
Services:
Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.
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41 Responses to “To the Victim Go the Spoils: False Allegations, Men as Default Scapegoats and Why Some Women Get Away with Murder”
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Very well said, Dr T!! I may print this out and hand it to the judge at my next Modification hearing!
Good luck, CO RIDER! I hope it goes well for you. Unfortunately, most judges don’t like to have the injustices they perpetrate pointed out to them.
That is a great idea CO_RIDER, I wish every S4M community member could send this to their respective jurisdiction’s judges without repercussions for Dr.T. I don’t want to cause any more hate mail law suits for Dr. T.
Perhaps the production of a form letter that would not publicize Dr. T or this site is in order? I know it would only be a small nick in the double standards shield of today’s court systems but as an engineer I know that many small nicks can eventually result in producing a large crack and ultimately a total failure.
Hi Chris117,
There wouldn’t be repercussions for me from family court, but there may be repercussions for men who point out the courts double standards and other biased practices, not to mention violations of due process.
If you think any of my articles can help you, by all means use them — just clear it with your attorney first.
“It’s necessary to recognize that male abuse exists. Such abuse happens every day, but this is not a conversation America is ready to have. As a result of that silence, we have an invisible epidemic. As a culture we lack the language to describe it, we can’t recognize it and we’re unwilling to confront the implications of it.”
Dr. T is getting the world educated…one day at a time!
Thanks, IG. Don’t know if that’s true, but even if this website can make just a few people aware of these issues who in turn make a few more people aware, that’d be great.
I do agree that men become the scapegoat. Various high profile cases of late drive home the point that if you want to discredit a man, then accuse him of some form of sexual abuse. It doesn’t seem to matter, once the accusation has been made, whether it’s true or not; the damage is done, a career, a life has been discredited, the damage is done. I think in some, or maybe many, instances of couples counseling, it is the assumption that if a woman makes a complaint it must be true and then the focus will be on what the man did, how he needs to change, what’s wrong with him, or the idea that men are barely civilized and what do you expect. Not only do family law and domestic violence arenas need to change (along with couples counseling where I think an abused man can become the unwitting object of more abuse via the counselor who misreads the situation or is too weak to stand up and say what it is that’s happening) but I think men themselves need to be able to recognize they are being abused. If a man can’t say it out loud, can’t find a way to admit that he’s being abused, then it will be even harder for these other systems to change and recognize that men can be abused and that women can be abusers. I described to a woman I know, behavior that a man I know receives from the significant other female in his life. My friend refused to believe it was abuse, stating instead that the woman I was describing was merely mean and controlling, not abusive. I replied that someone who is mean and controlling is being abusive but she seemed unable and unwilling to see it that way.
False abuse/rape allegations seem to have become the modern day witch hunt.
You write:
“I think in some, or maybe many, instances of couples counseling, it is the assumption that if a woman makes a complaint it must be true and then the focus will be on what the man did, how he needs to change, what’s wrong with him, or the idea that men are barely civilized and what do you expect. . . I think an abused man can become the unwitting object of more abuse via the counselor who misreads the situation or is too weak to stand up and say what it is that’s happening)”
This is, sadly, a very accurate description of what goes on in many a couples/marriage counseling session. It’s one of the reasons Shrink4Men exists.
You Write:
“I think men themselves need to be able to recognize they are being abused. If a man can’t say it out loud, can’t find a way to admit that he’s being abused, then it will be even harder for these other systems to change and recognize that men can be abused and that women can be abusers.”
This is also spot on.
The example you mention of the female friend denying the fact that women can be abusers is all too common. It’s also very frustrating. It seems many women believe they’re betraying “the sisterhood” by acknowledging the bad behaviors of other women. If women won’t hold other women accountable, we’ve got a long uphill battle.
I have a friend who is a psychologist and she refuses to believe that men can be abused. Her take on the matter is that a man who complains of being abused is simply looking for sympathy and an excuse for an affair. If some (indeed many) psychologists believe this, what hope is there for abused men?
I wonder if psychologists are still thinking of abuse only as what happens when someone attacks physically (and I do understand that some women do that, though I suspect an even larger number are verbally, financially, and emotionally abusive) and if so that does make it quite difficult for an abused man to get help. So then it’s like the man gets abused twice, once by his significant other and then by failing to get support he needs and deserves from a person who is supposed to be able to help and instead allows him to continue being abused or possibly identifying him as the problem when he’s not, primarily.
Psychologists recognize all forms of abuse, but many therapists don’t like to acknowledge abuse when a woman is the perpetrator.
You’re correct in your observation that when a therapist invalidates an abused man’s experience, he’s twice abused. Infuriating.
Thats’ her professional opinion? Her group therapy sessions must be a real hoot. Did she sleep through the class on projection? Did she get her degree from some advertisement she found in the back of Cosmo?
One would hope her degree is from The Cosmopolitan School of Psychology online learners program, but she probably attended a mainstream, accredited program. Very scary.
It’s frightening that this biased bigot is in the helping profession.
It used to be that psychology grad students had to attend therapy as part of their training. One of the reasons for doing so was to help illuminate blind spots, sore spots, biases held due to one’s experiences and what potential countertransference issues may arise. Unfortunately, most programs no longer require this and/or have become so infiltrated with feminized psychologists that they’d just promulgate more of this garbage.
Seems to sum things up for me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WsF68eVPHck&feature=youtube_gdata_player
I agree that women are treated differently by society. I’m all for equality between genders. Perhaps men need to organize and fight for Men’s rights like women successfully did during the last century. I don’t think a majority of women are just going to suddenly rise up against this unjustness. At least there are a few, Thanks Dr Tara!
Women care. Women with sons, brothers, grandsons, nephews, and husbands/boyfriends with abusive exes care and are plenty angry about these injustices.
Like any big societal change, it will take a critical mass before anything is done by legislators to make laws and family court more balanced.
“Men rarely get the, “Poor man. What you did is technically a crime, but we understand because you were abused as a child and your wife verbally abused you, so it’s not really your fault. Enough scolding. Big hug and off to community counseling with you. Oh, and you get to keep custody of the children even though you deny access to their mother and have been practicing a campaign of parental alienation for the last 5 years,” that women often receive in criminal and family courts.”
IT HAPPENS YOUD BE SUPRISED,
Im a woman and I have been through pretty much this situation but in reverse and the statement above well several of those things have happened to me.
After I split with my ex partner about 5 years ago he turned mine and my sons life into a living hell.
Following a campaign of harrassment, being dragged through the court system and threatened with being dragged through the court syatem again he started making referrals to social services even though he was guilty of neglect himself. 3 years down the line I am accused of neglect which is crap I had health problems and struggled to keep my house quite up to scratch but it was never squalid. he doesnt pay maitenance. I am accused of emotional abuse by social services even though this is what my partner has done to my son for years. Since I have known my partner he has had 7 suicide attempts. Every single one followed me splitting with him. When I split with him for good there were three in a row in the space of six months. Yet social services have never pulled his mental health file.. When we went to court before cafcass officers tried to blame his suicides on me saying the relationship must have been volatile!! Yes it was because of him!!!
He has managed to convince cafcass officers, social workers, female police women, female teacher, school family liaion officers. You name it. He is brilliant at manipulating the oppositte sex, completely adept at it and because of this I am always made to look the bad guy plus women are more naturally sympathetic especially the ones in the professions I mentioned so they are constantly trying to ‘understand’ him. When all there is to understand is that he is an ahole.
And yes he was abused as a child, horrifically, obviously not his fault. But I get abused by him for years and suffer domestic violence and yet he gets all the couselling. As for being given custody, no not yet thank god. But On the child protection report, yes largely due to his constant referrals and the complete hysteria of my previous social worker my children are now on the child protection register my previous socila worker was suggesting that maybe my eldest son could eventually go to live with his father. I have two baby twins sons, my ex has kept making referrals despite knowing that this would have a detrimental affect on them. He doesnt give a damn. He doesnt even want my son either he took me to court for PR but now he has it as sooon as I ask for his help or assistance in any matter to do with my son its too much trouble. The previous social worker also told us that she had turned up to my exs house several times before and he had missed meetings with them and had been drunk first thing in the morning.
Now he has moved in with one of my old best friends who I neither of us had seen for 6 years and had kids with her.
Anyway all Im saying is IT HAPPENS men can do it to and those that do do it very well. My ex from what I can see fits the mould for BPD/NPD but it seems to be lesser diagnosed in men or recognised that they can behave in this catty manner. Well I am just here to tell you that in politically correct England we very much seem to be for fathers rights these days..
Especailly in a system that is FULL of women who want to be sympathetic and seen to be doing the right thing and yet constantly judging there fellow woman and very badly, That over the last 5 years is what I have observed.
But to me it isnt about men it isnt about women.. it is about disfuctional human beings and the unfortunate children who get caught in the middle..
Please excuse the spelling mistakes in the above it was rather rushed with two small children crawling round.
It does seem that the bullies are the ones who always get away with it, regardless of gender. It’s sickening.
My DH would be the last person in the world to admit to having been abused by his Ex wife. Despite the fact that she did physically assault him, drained the bank accounts continuously, and called him a “loser” for not making enough money to feed her habit. Not surprisingly, she, to this day (11 years later), tells anyone and everyone who will listen, that SHE was the one who was abused. And she believes it, too. The fact that he finally had enough and left makes her the victim, FOREVER.
Another good article Dr. T.
Also Dr T, if you get to read this at somepoint I could really use some advice from you!! I have sent you a message to your email adddress about the problems Ive had and also tried to post it in contacts but it got removed..
I realise you normally advise men but thought you would be able to help me. I am not interested in the selfpitying approach taken by domestic violence forums for women what I really need is som e practical common sense advice and your site is the best Ive come across.. Unfortunately its not meant for women. If you cant advise me could you possibly point me in the direction of a good website that could advise me. thanks very much.
I had to pull out the dictionary the other day and did a quick check.
In the 2001 edition of Webster’s II New College Dictionary, you can find the definition of “misogyny” (hatred of women) but not the definition of “misandry”(hatred of men).
Obviously, if you can’t find it in the dictionary, it doesn’t exist, right?
I had to pull out the dictionary the other day and did a quick check.
In the 2001 edition of Webster’s II New College Dictionary, you can find the definition of “misogyny” (hatred of women) but not the definition of “misandry”(hatred of men).
Obviously, if you can’t find it in the dictionary, it doesn’t exist, right?