False Allegations in Divorce and Custody Battles: The Personality Types of False Accusers and the Falsely Accused
The following article is from the August 23, 2011 AVfM Radio program on the criminal practice of making false allegations of abuse in order to gain the upper hand in divorce and custody battles. The radio version was edited down due to time constraints. Here’s everything I wrote for the show in its entirety:
Too many men have become the targets of false allegations. False allegations of domestic violence. False allegations of sexual assault. And false allegations of sexual abuse.
False allegations are lies and people who make false allegations are liars. A false allegation of abuse isn’t just any lie; it’s one of the most contemptible lies that exists. Even one victim of such a despicable lie is one victim too many.
Oftentimes, when a man finds himself the target of false allegations, he initially becomes paralyzed by shock and disbelief that a woman he once loved or still loves could perpetrate such a horrible lie upon him. The nightmare of false allegations is always compounded whenever children are involved.
What precipitates these kinds of false allegations?
Domestic violence literature holds that ending an abusive relationship is often the most dangerous time for the target of abuse. The classic stereotype is that of the alcoholic Neanderthal who beats his wife to death as she attempts to walk out the door after years of abuse.
For men, ending a relationship with an abusive woman is also often the most dangerous time.
Just like his female counterpart, when a man makes the agonizing decision to divorce an abusive wife, it may end in violence. Stories abound in the news of women killing their ex-husbands and their own children during divorce and custody battles. But women have another weapon at their disposal, which is just as lethal as any firearm or poison.
That weapon is the false allegation.
Many men, despite having been subjected to years of abuse, come a cropper when their ex makes a false allegation. How could someone you once loved and who supposedly loved you tell such horrible lies?
The simplest answer is that women who perpetrate false allegations are malicious and disturbed. Men also make false allegations and those that do are equally malicious and disturbed, but let’s face it, there are clear tactical advantages for women who fabricate false allegations.
Over the last 25 years, as the domestic violence and divorce industries have grown, a perverse system has developed in response to female initiated allegations of abuse in which the accuser is rewarded.
How are women rewarded for making false allegations?
They get attention. The person they hate is punished. They receive social approval. We all hate abusers and pedophiles, right? Look at that courageous woman who’s fighting to protect her child! Female false accusers may also receive free legal representation, welfare payments, free counseling and other support services and support from family, friends and neighbors — in other words, even more attention (Wakefield & Underwager, 1990).
Furthermore, there are very little, if any consequences for women who make false allegations in family court (Green & Schetky, 1988). Ultimately, the false accuser has far more to gain than she has to lose. However, I’m hopeful that we’ll soon be seeing more stories like that of Daryl Guinyard, the man who sued his ex-wife in civil court for making false sexual abuse allegations and was awarded $852,000 in punitive damages.
What happens to men when they’re falsely accused?
Many men experience a very rude awakening when they enter the justice system via false allegations. Perhaps the truth will prevail, but typically not without a considerable amount of collateral damage to themselves and their children.
When a man is accused of abusing a woman or child, any concept of due process and “innocent until proven guilty” flies out the window. Men are assumed guilty until proven innocent when a woman cries abuse or rape.
False allegations can turn a difficult divorce into full out nuclear war.
When a woman calls 911 and alleges violence, a man is often required to vacate the family home. If his wife follows up with an emergency protective order, he must then submit to prolonged alienation from his children. He becomes caught in both the criminal justice system and social service bureaucracies, which may result in jail time and/or court-ordered therapy while the real criminal, his lying wife, wins possession of both the children and the marital home.
Men who are falsely accused by their exes also face the threat of presumably well-intentioned, but zealous and biased mental health professionals and court evaluators who are quick to believe the accusations of the often highly emotional, female false accusers based on little to no evidence.
The falsely accused isn’t the only casualty of a court appointee’s or mental health evaluator’s rush to judgment. Both the accused and his children are hurt.
When the false allegations involve sexual abuse, children are subjected to a long process of interrogation, therapies and medical examinations, which can be invasive, confusing and traumatic. The falsely accused often suffers emotional and physical trauma, public humiliation, family breakdown and financial ruin. Furthermore, the relationship with his children may be irreparably damaged.
Fighting to prove his innocence can take years and become a financial expense many men simply can’t afford.
Just as false accusers rarely receive consequences for perverting and obstructing justice, court evaluators and mental health professionals who wrongly determine that abuse has occurred through their own incompetence and biases are rarely held accountable. The people who suffer the most negative consequences are the falsely accused and the children. This isn’t justice; it’s a mockery of justice.
What do we know about women who make false allegations?
Wakefield and Underwager (1990) determined that false accusers are much more likely to have a personality disorder such as histrionic, borderline, passive-aggressive, or paranoid. False accusers appear to be highly defensive and rigid, to have poor insight and a tendency to deny personal shortcomings. They tend to be extremely concerned about and sensitive to how others perceive them. False accusers tend to confuse feelings with facts. A woman may “feel” abused or may “feel” the children are being abused, when, objectively speaking, no abuse has actually occurred (Zepezauer, 1994).
Wakefield and Underwager (1990) found that:
[False accusers] are likely to misperceive the behavior of others and to react to stressful situations in maladaptive ways. Depending upon the specific personality disorder, they are characterized by instability of mood, impulsivity, inappropriate emotional overreactions, a need for approval and attention, and difficulties handling anger and conflict.
False accusers also have an obsessive hatred of and anger toward their ex-partner, so much so that their hatred and anger become a driving force in their lives. False accusers are individuals who hate their exes more than they love their children. Their hatred and anger trumps the needs and much ballyhooed best interests of their children.
What do we know about men who become the targets of false allegations of abuse?
They tend to be your average nice guy who has a more nurturing and passive personality. These men are unlikely to be socially aggressive or competitive and tend to lack insight into their personal relationships, which may explain why so many of these men are thrown for a loop when their ex throws them under the bus — even when she’s made threats throughout their marriage to call 911 and have him arrested (Wakefield & Underwager, 1990).
Additionally, these men, because of their sensitive and caring natures, may be more vulnerable to relationships with needy and manipulative women. Once in a relationship with a high-conflict (HCP) and/or abusive personality disordered woman (APDI), they may behave somewhat passively as they continue to naively hope that everything will magically work out in the end.
What are the identifiable characteristics of false allegation cases?
Ross and Blush (1987; 1990) have found certain patterns that characterize false allegation cases. For instance:
- The allegations start after separation and legal action commences.
- There’s a history of family dysfunction with high-conflict and other hidden underlying issues.
- Again, the female accuser is often a histrionic or borderline personality.
- The female accuser takes an angry, defensive and justifying stance.
- The accused male parent is generally nurturing, passive and lacks “macho” characteristics.
- In alleged sexual molestation cases, the child is typically a female under the age of 8.
- The allegations surface via the custodial parent who is typically the mother.
- The mother takes the child to an “expert” who corroborates the abuse and identifies the father as the culprit.
- The court reacts to the expert information by terminating or limiting visitation.
Ross and Blush also determined there are primarily three types of false accusers: the histrionic, the justified vindicator and the borderline.
The histrionic personality appears anxious and presents herself as the victim of her ex. She describes herself as physically and/or psychologically abused by her ex and worries that the children are also in danger of being victimized from him. She projects or superimposes her feelings, fears and distortions onto the children. She seems to have “unusual and inappropriate” sexual concerns about the children and may regularly examine the children’s genitals and take them for frequent medical examinations.
The justified vindicator initially presents as assertive and organized with a justifiable argument supported by “facts, figures and opinions supporting her evidence.” She comes across as outraged and worried about her ex’s behavior. However, as most high-conflict types do, she becomes resistant, hostile and passive-aggressive or overtly aggressive upon cross-examination of her claims. She’s likely to try to discredit any evaluator or law enforcement official that questions her assertions and may threaten to sue or file an ethics complaint.
The borderline personality has intense and chaotic interpersonal relationships and is prone to intense valuation and devaluation. They will attempt to punish others who they believe have abandoned or hurt them. False allegations are a highly effective way of doing this.
In my practice, I coach many men through the divorce process. Prior to pulling the pin and telling their abusive wives that the marriage is over, I help my clients create a safe exit strategy. I use the phrase “pulling the pin” deliberately, because divorcing an abusive, high-conflict and possibly personality disordered woman is often very much like handling a live grenade.
I warn every single male client who is about to divorce or break-up with an abusive partner that he may be at risk for becoming the target of false allegations.
Many men can’t comprehend how or why their partner or ex could fabricate such a lie. Even when their wives have threatened to call 911 during the relationship to intimidate and control them, they still have a difficult time believing that it could happen to them. Men whose wives or girlfriends have threatened to call the cops during their relationship to intimidate or control them are especially at risk should they decide to separate.
Counseling is not a consequence.
False allegations, even if they’re later disproved, rarely result in a completely happy ending for the accused and the children. Family court and law officials must begin implementing serious consequences — beyond the anemic “consequence” of outpatient counseling — for both women and men who make false allegations. Perhaps if women who are inclined to make false allegations knew there would be real life consequences such as jail time, fines and loss of custody, they wouldn’t be as likely to see making false allegations as a viable option.
Enough is enough.
Services:
Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.
References:
Blush, G. L. & Ross, K. L. (1990). Investigation and case management issues and strategies. Issues in Child Abuse Accusations (2) 3.
Blush, G. L. & Ross, K. L. (1987). Sexual allegations in divorce: The SAID syndrome. Conciliation Courts Review, 25(1).
Green, A. H., & Schetky, D. H. (1988). Child Sexual Abuse. New York:Brunner/Mazel.
Wakefield, H., & Underwager, R. (1990). Personality Characteristics of Parents Making False Accusations of Sexual Abuse in Custody Disputes. Issues In Child Abuse Accusations, 2(3), 121-136.
Zepezauer, F. S. (1994). Believe her! The woman never lies myth.
53 Responses to “False Allegations in Divorce and Custody Battles: The Personality Types of False Accusers and the Falsely Accused”
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I have first-hand experience with false allegations, albeit in an employment context. I was a newly supervisor tasked with “fixing” a very unproductive and dysfunctional office. After several weeks in the position, I identified 2 obstructionists and they happened to be female.
To make a long story short, the two made good on the threats that they had been alluding to for some time. They both accused me of being “threatening,” of “hating women” and several other things. Lucky for me I had several other honest and loyal employees who refuted everything.
You are correct in describing an “initial shock.” There was a period of disbelief and inaction on my part where I engaged in the “Did I do anything wrong” reflection.
The primary thing that saved me was my penchant to document, document and document the many provocations and incidents before the allegations began to fly. I kept my supervisors and Human Resources aware of the issues that gave me huge credibility when the allegations started.
I don’t wish that experience on anyone and while I weathered that storm, it remains to be seen what impact that the “black cloud of suspicion” has on my future and professional reputation. To me, this is the real damage that is done especially in a workplace context.
When I first noticed the bizarre behavior in that office, I learned a lot from internet research, your website especially. It was clear that these 2 individuals were HCP’s and that they were attempting to bully me as their new supervisor. Without that early knowledge, I may have caved in a departed early. Many thanks for that written insight that assisted me during that ordeal.
Hi ContrarianExpat,
I’m delighted to read that you protected yourself and fought back. Good on you!
Were the 2 HCPs let go? Did they receive any consequences from HR?
The black cloud is awful and unfair, but it’s a reality.
Dr T
They both eventually received official reprimands and one later received a short suspension. However, given the pervasiveness and gravity of their misconduct, I and the other employees consider those actions to be lenient. Moreover, their misconduct intensified after the disciplinary actions, a la the malicious allegations.
Both are still employed with my organization. One is under termination proceedings due to significant performance shortcomings coupled with the misconduct, and the other is being watched vary closely by management.
I do anticipate vexatious lawsuits down the road, but I am prepared as witnesses and voluminous documentation greatly support my organization’s actions.
I’ve had my own run-ins with HCP co-workers. Unfortunately, one was the director and the other was my supervisor. It was a nasty business. I filed many of my own grievances. Ultimately, because they were an established part of the power structure, I left.
Not surprised both are still employed. For some reason, many organizations are at a loss re: how to handle these types, so the bullies are free to continue their reign of terror.
“Not surprised both are still employed. For some reason, many organizations are at a loss re: how to handle these types, so the bullies are free to continue their reign of terror.”
IMHO, that’s because, in a penny-wise & pound-foolish short-term view, those sorts of types appear more productive. They’re “go-getters.” They “demand results.” Especially as managers, their people do the impossible (while, if they’re smart, quietly updating the resume).
I wonder if there’s a correlation between high-functioning NPD, and corporate success..?
“I wonder if there’s a correlation between high-functioning NPD, and corporate success..?”
I’d bet the farm on it, chem_geek.
And, like magic, there’s a story in the paper this morning about a doctor who was imprisoned for three years based on a false rape accusation.
http://www.freep.com/article/20110829/NEWS03/108290349/Doctor-jailed-3-years-wants-charges-sex-assault-accuser?odyssey=tab|topnews|text|FRONTPAGE
Another thing I would recommend is to record all verbal communications (phone or in-person) post-divorce/separation. I did this with my ASPD ex-husband and it squashed a lot of his threats.
There really should be real consequences for making false allegations. Even for the Borderline who has, no doubt, convinced herself that her claims are real.
Great advice, MB. Audio and video recording have kept many of my clients’ bacon out of the fryer.
Plus, hanging these types with their own ropes is very fitting.
Agreed, enough is enough! And I find it serendipitous that your radio show aired the same day as the sexual-abuse charges against Dominique Strauss-Kahn were dropped by the prosecutors. From what I’ve read in the internet news articles these last few weeks, the hotel maid’s testimony was extremely convincing, complete with tears and persuasive theatrics. However, her content was flawed; she ended up contradicting things that she had said earlier to the court (under oath) and/or the media. I should mention that she also took it upon herself to invent stories for the press and TV to get the general public to side with her (and they did!). And a recorded telephone conversation in which she told a friend “don’t worry, I know what I’m doing, and he’s got a lot of money” sure didn’t help her case.
Fortunately, her pathological lying was exposed in less than three months… but we must never forget the eagerness of the prosecution, the court and the general public to blindly assume that the poor lowly woman was a victim of a wealthy evil man – enough is enough!
The DSK maid (don’t remember her name and can’t be bothered to Google it) is utterly uncredible, which is why the DA is dropping the charge. Considering the long-term consequences of false allegations, I think both identities (the accuser and the accuser) should be kept secret UNTIL the accused is proven guilty or until the accuser has been shown to be a liar.
So, is there a way to get HCP mom out of the house during proceedings without resorting to false accusations yourself? The common wisdom is for dad to not leave the house if he’s going to fight for any kind of custody, but that makes it that much easier for the HCP to make the false allegations.
Some of my clients who’ve had to do this had a parent stay in the house as well to act as a witness. The goal is never to be alone and always have a witness. If you don’t have a witness, then audio or video. If this is illegal in your state, it becomes even more difficult.
Hello, Dr. T,
You probably don’t remember me, but I posted for a while on your blog back in the April/May of 2010, time frame. Can’t remember for sure, but I think we even spoke on the phone concerning a consultation, which, unfortunately I did not follow up on.
This is a different username than back then, email is the same, but for some reason I could not login with old info.
All day yesterday, 08/23, I kept reminding myself to listen to your radio program and to call in to relate my continuing story, in the hopes I could prevent other men from being as completely naive and foolish as I have turned out to be.
Wife and I were married in 2003, my second marriage (30 years with three kids first go ’round), her FOURTH marriage (should have been a huge red flag right there) But of course, as it goes, she was so charming, so attractive, and well, extremely HOT sexually (at least I think so, been a long, long time since I saw any action in that regard)
In hindsight, I should have picked up on some red flags in the 2 years we dated before marriage, most of which I wrote off as just a “bad temper” on her part. By year 3 or so of marriage, it started dawning on me that this was much more than a bad temper. The verbal abuse became astonishing to me. Degrade and humiliate, name calling, bad enough when it was just me that she steered her insults to, soon enough though, it was my grown kids, my mother, my sisters….we were all lumped into the same pile for her to crap on. I was a girly man pussy, cause my mother made me that way, my kids hated me, how did my first wife put up with me for 20 years? (When we got married she couldn’t stand my ex wife,in her new fantasies the ex became an ally). I had a poor upbringing, not “normal” like hers. Blah, blah, blah.
Then she started in on what I came to call her “herding” behavior. Chase me through the house, hurling verbal abuse, trap me in a corner and try to provoke me to get physical with her to escape. Luckily I’m not the violent type.
Sounds bad so far, eh? Well, it gets worse, much worse.
Excuse me, I’m going to take a break here, I’ll be back to finish up later this evening or in the morning. Can only relive so much at one sitting!
Creek Music
OK, I’m back with the rest of the story. Jump to year 5 of marriage, June,2008. On June 22, 2008, after a particularly bad stretch (weeks of either stone cold silence or intense verbal abuse) of behavior on wife’s part, the phone rings, it’s wife’s 30 year old daughter calling from a hospital 1500 miles away to tell us she’s giving birth to a baby girl, 6-7 weeks prematurely. We had not been informed previously that daughter was even pregnant! Daughter tells wife that she’s going to give the baby up for adoption, in actuality, if she didn’t agree to adoption, the baby was going to be taken from her due to methamphetamine in her system when she was admitted. It’s one of the few times I recall wife ever being at a loss for something to say, holding the phone in one hand, dumbstruck with her jaw wide open.
The instant she gets off the phone, I blurt out “you can’t let your granddaughter be adopted by a stranger, we can adopt her!” I had not even thought about it, but it seemed the right thing to do. In hindsight,maybe I thought it would help our marriage. 55 years old, married to a crazy woman and an infant on the way.
Don’t get me wrong, I have zero regrets about that decision, taking that sweet little girl into my home and being her primary caregiver for the first two years of her life is the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done, something I missed out on when my children were young and I was too busy working and well, partying.
But I’m getting ahead of myself here, L, (the baby girl as I’ll call her) spent 6 weeks in neonatal intensive care, during which time we began the legal adoption process, paperwork, background checks and attorneys etc. in two different states. It wasn’t cheap, I paid many tens of thousands of $$ in expenses, which, of course I never received the first thank you for from the wife. The money is not important because the joy that girl has brought me is invaluable.
Anyway, I had owned my own business for 25 years. I was able to put it on autopilot with the help of employees and when L came home from NICU in September 2008, I stayed home, took care of business from home office and played Mr. Mom. Bottles, baby diapers, the whole deal,I bonded with that little girl like I would have never thought possible. Wife was working as a teacher at the high school at the time. Special Ed teacher, for profoundly handicapped kids, she’s a nurse as well. Fits her image of being a real compassionate “angel” to be a caregiver in the public eye. “Look at me, I adopted my granddaughter,I’m a nurse, I’m taking care of severely challenged kids!! I’m the greatest!!”
So, things were just a bit better between us for a few months, . then the nasty returned (you always knew it was coming, the not knowing when was the agonizing part). She took to coming home from work, taking L away from me and locking herself in the downstairs bedroom. At times, she’d stay in there for days, calling in sick to work, with the air conditioning turned down to 55, buried under the covers and L crying her little head off.
Yikes! I’m rambling and likely boring you all to tears, if you frequent this website , I’m sure you’re familiar with this type of crazy!
I’ll be back to finish up in a bit, tell me if you’ve heard enough . If I finish though, you’ll see what a truly naive, shoulda known better man like me can get himself into.
Are you planning to end your marriage, creek music?
Suggestion: Before “pulling the pin”, have your attorney contact the police to be on alert. This could lend more credibility and underscore the serious concerns the man may have. The attorney can tell law enforcement exactly when the HCP will be informed of the divorce so they can be on alert. The attorney can also inform the police of any history the HCP has of threatening or making false allegations. I also agree with having a witness present when she is informed. CYA, there’s too much at stake! Feedback?
Great advice, Beesley. I advise clients to do this, absolutely.
If you want to see what happens when that 911 call is made, check out:
http://www.theiacp.org/tabid/299/Default.aspx?id=814&v=1
from the International Association of Chiefs of Police.
The model policies will give you a perspective of where the police are coming from when they answer the call.
Thanks, Mellaril! This is very helpful.
My horrible ex told me straight to my face that she would stop at nothing to eliminate me from my kids lives. She told me that I would lose my kids, lose my home, lose my job, lose my money, lose my possession, and go to jail. She told me that I had no idea what she was capable of. She was right. She played the “expert confidential” childrens counselor and the court system, and all of the above came to pass, except when the final step of levelling false allegations came, I left town before I went to jail due to false allegations. That was 14 years ago. The court system was horrible. I was guilty until proven innocent, and then still guilty. And her rat bastard lawyer knew what was going on.
I am very sorry you went through that, xxyyzz. Have you been able to reunite with your children?
It makes me so angry that many of these false accusers rarely receive consequences for their lies.
Not yet. The youngest two (of four) are still hostages, so I am still waiting.
That stinks, xxyyzz. I hope your children will eventually come around. It’s not right.
My husband’s ex would cry abuse when there was nothing to back up what it was she was after in court, usually something monetarily focused. When that was shot down, she would tell everyone she could about how “abusive” he was. No proof, no admissions from my husband about how he “showed his wife”, no police reports, nothing.
When social networking became popular, she regularly used it to denigrate him as such an abuser. This has resulted in some of his old friends who kowtow to the ex to see the kid believing all sorts of things about him. He took the high road, and didn’t respond to her crap, and didn’t let others know anything about their marriage, good or bad. All he ever said was that he no longer wanted to be married to her, and felt it best they divorce.
Now, I wish he had fought every single claim she made.
So with that, record all verbal interactions with your abusive ex. Check the state laws so that you don’t end up in a Linda Tripp type situation.
If you cannot record, send an email the same day as the verbal interaction stating what was said face to face. If it’s abusive, ask that it please not be repeated.
If you must meet to drop off or pick up kids, go to the lobby of the local police station, and leave one at a time.
If it’s the mom making the abuse allegations, it’s really hard. Moms can do no wrong. They can make all sorts of claims about their ex, they can abuse their kids – and they are excused. So protect yourself from the get go.