Confessions of a Former Feminist
The following article is by CrazyBuster, Micksbabe:
When I was a young woman in my twenties, the concept of burning my bra sounded glamorous. However, I never did get around to actually burning a bra. Bras are expensive.
I thought Gloria Steinem was a brave trailblazer and subscribed to New Woman magazine. I got a job and contributed my share to the household expenses. And I feigned all kinds of outrage at the social injustices inflicted against women, past and present.
There was a time, not that long ago in the grand scheme of things, when women were treated like second class citizens. The women who stood up against all of society, to the detriment of themselves, their families and sometimes their own lives, in protest of the mistreatment of women, are truly heroes.
But feminism has, in my opinion, carried the cross too far.
Women can vote. We can educate ourselves. We can control our own reproduction, and we have laws in place to protect us against discrimination in the workplace.
It seems to me that what many women want and expect from society is not equality, but rather a handicap. Having a handicap in life is not the same thing as having equality, and it makes the men who are suffering slights at our expense, resent us for it. It’s counter-intuitive.
And nowhere is this phenomenon more unjust than within our own justice system.
Witnessing the way the Family Courts work, from the viewpoint of my husband in dealing with his abusive, high-conflict (HCP) and potentially personality-disordered ex-wife, it’s not only unjust, but, in many cases, the “best interests of the children” are completely overlooked in favor of the best interest of the Golden Uterus.
There is an across-the-board presumption in divorces involving child custody, that the child(ren) should automatically be awarded into the primary custody and care of the mother, with the father paying child support and, in many cases, spousal support as well. In the rare instances where the father manages to retain primary custody of his children, there is usually no support of any kind mandated from the mother to the father.
I know of a man who has primary custody of his children, who is also still mandated to pay “child support” to his ex-wife, who has the option of seeing her children or not, and often chooses the latter. Yet, if this man were to miss a “child support” payment, he would find himself in court and quite possibly face jail time. The double standards in the family courts are disgusting.
If you are in this forum, you have likely been forced to or are facing the very strong reality of being forced to hand over primary custody of your child(ren) to a woman that you know first-hand, is capable of very malicious intent, against both you and your children, in retaliation for being abandoned by you.
As a person who was the child of a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder, I can attest to the fact that Borderlines enjoy abusing their children, at least it seemed that way to me when I was on the receiving end of it with nowhere to escape. And if you are a child left in the primary “care” of one of these individuals, odds are life will be miserable.
Despite this fact, the courts fail to recognize or acknowledge that HCPs and abusive personality disordered individuals (APDIs) can be a danger to their own children. In fact, the courts view a diagnosed disordered parent as having a handicap or a disease, like cancer, where they should be pitied and their “rights” to be a parent protected at all costs. Never mind the “best interests of the children.”
As a woman who wants to be seen as an equal in society, I am embarrassed by the way the courts practice some unwritten kind of affirmative action plan to elevate women in divorces, to the point where divorce, for a high-conflict and/or abusive personality disordered woman, is profitable.
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Thank you, Micksbabe. I, too, am a former feminist. At least, that’s how identified myself in high school and throughout most of my 20s. I took a couple women’s studies courses in college. The classes mostly amounted to a group of young women sitting around male bashing and I participated in it without a second thought.
Looking back, I marvel that the professor didn’t stop it. It would have been no different if we’d been bashing a minority group. That kind of discrimination, hate and sexism has no place on a college campus.
My perspective began to change the summer before the final year of my undergrad program. I was visiting with family and making jokes at the expense of men. One of my aunts interrupted my ill mannered vitriol (because that’s what it was) and very gently asked, “Do you really feel that way about your grandfather? What about your uncles and cousins?”
It was like a wave of icy cold water broke over me and I instantly felt ashamed of myself and remorse for having insulted these men whom I love and respect. That was the beginning of a major paradigm shift for me.
Like you, Micksbabe, it seems to me that many women are no longer interested in equal rights. These women seem to feel entitled to special rights for no other reason than their gender. And they want it at the expense, pain and suffering of half the population, which presumably includes their own fathers, grandfathers, uncles, sons and brothers. I’m not okay with that.
Exactly. Women who truly want equality must actually accept equality and that means not expecting special breaks or consideration just for being female. You can’t have equality if you expect special treatment. The two conditions can’t coexist.
Being married to my husband and seeing how his ex wife has exploited her position as mother and female has really made me re-think the fairness– or lack thereof– of feminism. I have to say, a lot of feminists turn me off. I’m all for women getting equal treatment and equal pay in the workplace, but I think we have to be willing to accept that men are equally capable of being nurturing parents. Simply having female parts does not automatically make someone a fit parent, just as having male parts does not necessarily make someone an inferior parent.
Hi knotheadusc,
The other bit of hypocrisy I’ve noticed in the feminism of today (an important distinction) is that many self-identified feminists claim to support female empowerment, prerogative and choice in all things.
That is, of course, unless you criticize today’s feminism or point out that all men are not potential child abusers, murderers and rapists. Do either of these things, and then you’re a labeled misogynist rather than an empowered woman who is exercising her freedom of choice and independent thought.
Criticizing a woman or criticizing bad female behaviors (especially when it’s accurate and merited) does not make a person a misogynist. Being labeled a misogynist, by the way, seems to be tantamount to being identified as a “heretic” during the Spanish Inquisition.
“Women who truly want equality must actually accept equality and that means not expecting special breaks or consideration just for being female. You can’t have equality if you expect special treatment. The two conditions can’t coexist.”
Your moxie is a turn on.
Thanks Dr. T, for letting me post content sure to draw daggers from the entitled sect. But I think it needs to be said, and ultimately, changed.
Paul>moxie
Thank you for your contributions, MB.
Btw, anyone else who would like to submit articles, please email. It’s important that more people add their voices to the chorus.
good article but seiously @paul elam. “your moxie is a turn on” When did common sense become moxie and when did this become a dating site?
Hi goldenboypaul,
Perhaps I can explain. Mr Elam’s comment is in response to a comment Micksbabe left on his website, avoiceformen, in which MB stated that Paul’s moxie is a turn-on.
The article that MB commented upon is one in which Mr Elam calls a spade a spade in a very honest and unvarnished way. In many ways, it is incredibly refreshing to see a spade being called a spade and is an intellectual turn-on — regardless of who the source of common sense is. Nevertheless, I can see how the comment might be misinterpreted. Personal or “inside” jokes/teasing can easily be misconstrued in a public forum.
I understand the confusion at what can be termed a personal joke. You’re correct. This is not a dating website. Sorry for any offense.
Btw, sometimes stating the truth and common sense does take a lot of moxie. I frequently get bashed for the information found on this website and there are times when I’ve hesitated before publishing some things because I know there’ll be a backlash. Honestly, I don’t think the views here are radical, but rather what I see as obvious and common sense.
Dr T
Thanks for explaining that comment, Dr. T. I was a little confused, too!
No problem. This is a great example of reality testing.
Many misunderstandings are exactly that — misunderstandings — and can be easily resolved between reasonable individuals.
Like Orwell said, in a time of universal deceit, telling the truth is a revolutionary act.
Hi SineNomie,
The idea that the information here is considered revolutionary or radical is rather depressing. Nevertheless, I appreciate your comment.
Orwell has another great quote given the topic of MB’s post:
“Some animals are more equal than others.”
It’s too bad a lot of people are ruled by their “emotional common sense” and can’t actually be logical, rational, and understanding of others and how their behaviors affect their children.
I think it’s pretty obvious that this site and AVM are needed as seen through the massive amounts of support they receive.
I would be curious to know if there are any other sites out there that are the opposing point of view (i.e. the emotional reasoner) just so I could get inside their heads so I know better what I’m dealing with and how to combat it for myself and my child.
If you don’t find any sites that satisfy you in this respect please be aware that the journey into this mind may well be one that has your SatNav exploding.
Put it this way Mr Thatguy if you will:
When you knock on the first door there’ll be no answer for a few minutes and when it does open slowly with a creak like Count Yorga’s coffin lid, the butler there will talk gibberish to you.
You’ll have no other option but to step past him into a lovely room decorated with the most delightful colours and tasteful lighting you’ve ever seen. Then someone will appear and briskly pat you down while they’re talking hurriedly about anything from ancient Peugoet coffee grinders to Soccer ball gloves. It all makes such sense even though you don’t understand a word because you’re being told all of this in the most happy and confident voice you have ever heard.
Then as you are being led to the next door of many you look down and see that your feet have turned to albatrosses and the din of the squawking is most distracting. You must press on you tell yourself, “I must understand this chaos.”
In the next room someone slaps your face and says, “I love you” and your wallet disappears only to be replaced with a tuft of wild flowers pressed into a slab of plasticine. “No problen
I lost my comment but rewrote it to this:
If you don’t find what you’re looking for Thatguy I want you to know that if you go ahead with this journey anyway you will find that your SatNav will explode.
When you go up to the front door of this mind you’ll knock on it and wait for many minutes and when it opens there’ll be a creak that sounds like the lid of Count Yorga’s coffin opening.
The butler will present well but talks only gibberish and there’ll be no option but to walk past him into the house. There you will find wonderful furniture, tasteful lighting and a rug to die for. The only thing that seems a little strange is that the chandelier throws no light, just shadows, and someone wearing a moose head will walk through a wall and ask if you want to play ping pong with a melon and no bats.
You’ll tell yourself that this is strange alright but hey, you want to press on through one of the many doors their and find out more.
As you walk into the next room you look down and see that your feet have turned to albatrosses that are squawking at you to give them some privacy, and someone pats you down while talking confidently about the mission you’re on. At this point you’ll be asked for your I.D. And when you reach for your wallet all that’s there is a tuft of Siberian wild flowers pressed into a slab of frozen Vaseline.
Ok so this is really strange, but you just know that if you just can figure all of this out then maybe you can unravel this madness and give calmness, resolution and healthy rhythm here.
The next room seems pretty normal. A newspaper on a table dappled in soft sunlight, a row of books on a mantle piece above a well stocked fireplace waiting for cold weather and the smell of fresh bread lulls you back to times of real belonging. There’s only one problem. The room is the size of fridge on it’s side and all you can do is peer at it on your knees.
So on you go, room after room always looking for a book or scroll or any scribbling anywhere that will have you understanding and able to make it all right.
One room is filled with spinning mirrors and another is made of rubber. A few minutes ago an octopus showed you how to unwrap a bath covered in cellophane and in another a bouncer made of alabaster told you that you couldn’t enter his room unless you were outside the room and inside it at the same time.
Someone smeared mint jelly behind your ears and said it was “Angel Juice” and another gave you a cake that spoke to you, “ Hey! You looking at me.. you want a piece of me…? ”
Maybe it’s at this point you could say “ok I get it, this is never going to end.”
If you say this then you can start your clock that has a sign on it saying, “Life Begins”
I’m no expert for sure, not at all. I can however say that being in this room looking for answers that tell of a better way will never ever be forthcoming. Not ever. Genes never lie and DNA is a mule that never moves for anyone.
There is one other thing though and I ask this with all sincerity. If you do find a way in this mind that suggests that a change of relevance is possible I not only commend you, but I want to know what is is. I’m not kidding.
I appreciate the clarification. I stand corrected. My apology to mr elam.
No worries and thank you for registering with S4M and joining the conversation.
Dr T
Apology accepted but not necessary. It was thoughtless for me to make that post without an explanation. I think it came off as inappropriate for good reason. My apologies to micksbabe and Dr. T. I will be more careful with that.
I’m reminded of a feminist tee shirt I once saw. “We won’t settle for equality. We demand superiority!” sound familiar? These kind of half humorous snide jibes at men can be found all over today if one looks around. Like “For a woman to be considered equal to man she must do twice the work. Fortunately that’s not hard”. Nod others of that Ilk. Is it any wonder really that society feels that women are entitled above men? The message is driven home at every turn. Woman = good. Man = bad. Sorry I’m bitter here but I’ve put up with too much too long and it’s dragging out far longer than it should. My lawyer shows up for court hers docent case continued another two months. Fifth time in a row it’s happened.
Your frustration and bitterness is merited, alreadylost, but you know that.
As for not showing up prepared for court, that’s inexcusable. Divorce/custody attorneys should not be able to get away with that. Not ready? Too bad. Judge finds in favor of the party who is prepared.
Excellent topic, Micksbabe and Dr. T!!
Back in high school (in the ‘enlightened’ 80s), I would listen to girls sitting around bashing their boyfriends, and wondered to myself (too shy to speak up), “If you hate them so much, then why are you with them??” Never made much sense to me.
They tried to turn me into a femi-nazi back in state u. I remember one particular (female minority) social work professor who stated by quoting supposed statistics that married women are sicker and die earlier than unmarried women, but married men lived longer and were healthier in general than single men (the idea being that wives nagging their husbands to take better care of themselves was a good thing? And having kids and a husband meant a wife’s neglecting of her own health?). At the time, my prevailing thought was: Marriage is bad for women, but good for men. Huh.
Years later, I had one of those similar lightbulb moments like Dr. T: I was wasting mental energy hating on ‘all’ men (after two bad divorces with AXHs)…then asked myself, “Do I hate my friend B___?” “Or my brothers?” “My grandfather?” Nope. Lightbulb!
Micksbabe said: “As a person who was the child of a woman with Borderline Personality Disorder, I can attest to the fact that Borderlines enjoy abusing their children, at least it seemed that way to me when I was on the receiving end of it with nowhere to escape. And if you are a child left in the primary “care” of one of these individuals, odds are life will be miserable.”
Exactly. They all know how to put on an act for witnesses, but when the witnesses go to work / go home / leave for football camp, etc…behind closed door, the monster shows up. This is why my brother (the Golden Child) can look at our past with fond nostalgia while I (The Scapegoat) have very little positive to say about my upbringing and life in that house. Of course nobody believes me. It’s my word (the loser / bad seed) vs. hers (the poor, poor victim of our father, her own upbringing, and today’s villian du jour)…no one else was there. They didn’t see it.
BTW – People who ‘enjoy’ hurting anyone, especially children, ESPECIALLY their OWN children, are evil, PD / HCP / Cluster B or not.
Girl Inside, so much of what you say, resonates as true, in my experience, as well, thank you for sharing.
One of the major problems with Cluster B’s, and the whole Feminist/Equality movement I see, is that these children in women’s bodies express every negative stereotype of feminine behavior. The entire concept of personal accountability and respect from ability and competence has been hijacked by the Crazy. The underlying principles, and reasoning have been pre-empted by unreasoning, hyper emotive, high conflict and non- empathetic people. A reasoned thought debate and concept has been turned on it’s ear, and is now being used as a weapon against reasonable people. Sound familiar to anyone else who has ever tried to have a discussion with someone splitting, DARVO, gaslighting, etc?
Hi polar_opposite,
Even more disturbing is that they are elevating the negative stereotypes of women into the “norm.” A lack of accountability and empathy and competence and a preponderance of entitlement, pathological selfishness, childishness and emotional instability is not the norm or at least it shouldn’t be.
Sad that they are even more ‘normalized’ by shows like Jersey Shore (so I’ve heard) and (*supresses gag*) Bridezillas. I watched one episode (well 2 – it was a To Be Continued), with Trisha, an overweight, very abusive witch(used all the tricks in the ol’ NPD playbook) that just sickened me. She actually squeezed her finace’s B*lls on national TV so that he would hold still for her to clip his toenails. Got some control issues, maybe? Cried when he wouldn’t give her money – didn’t work that I could tell – called him psycho, idiot, told him, “I’m the best you’re ever gonna find,” etc (doesn’t that just sound like a woman in love?!?)
I kept watching in hopes he would wake up and realize the gaping portal to h*ll he was walking into…but alas, there he was, in tuxedo sitting next to his Mrs. Monster for the after-interview. Maybe he’ll show up here before kids are involved??
I will never understand why decent men go for wicked chicks like that.
Because they’re the only ones available.
That’s not true, chem-geek. Part of breaking one’s attraction to unstable, abusive women is to learn to spot the stable and loving women and develop an attraction for them.
Could have fooled me, Doc.
funny, i read this as “decent men are the only ones available.” LOL.
Hi TGI,
I can relate to your comment. One of the other things that bothers me about the feminism of today is how they’ve elevated womankind to the status of autocratic professional victims.
I don’t see myself as a victim even when I have been actually victimized at different times of my life. It also makes no sense. How do they advocate for women’s empowerment while cloaking themselves in victimhood? Are women empowered victims? Oxymoron. If you’re empowered you’re not a victim.
Head hurts now.
“…the National Organization for Women (NOW) denounces Parental Alienation Syndrome and recommends that any professional whose mission involves the protection of the rights of women and children denounce its use as unethical, unconstitutional, and dangerous.”
This is where I really lost respect for NOW.
I agree, MB. NOW does, however, believe that men abuse women via their children and call it “abuse by proxy.” One could argue that parental alienation is also abuse by proxy, but NOW will have none of that.
I went to the NOW website once (years ago), and thought to myself back then, “Y’ll are crazy.” (*shakes head*)
my rewrite:
“…the National Organization for Women (NOW) denounces [all men and women who exhibit] Parental Alienation Syndrome and recommends that |– any professional [all professionals] –| whose mission involves the protection of the rights of |– women and children [women, children, families, and fathers] –| denounce |– its use [exhibiting PAS] –| as unethical, unconstitutional, and dangerous.
–that’s what they “meant” right?
LOL! You just gave them their new T-Shirt slogan “National Organization of Professional, Empowered Victims. (NOPE-V)”
There is an article that a commenter posted here on another article some time ago that is relevant and worth a read.
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1021293/How-mothers-fanatical-feminist-views-tore-apart-daughter-The-Color-Purple-author.html
It is about the daughter of feminist author/activist Alice Walker.
An ex-feminazi friend from college used to refer to me as her “feminist brother.” At the time, it seemed like a nice warm and fuzzy comment, but now I cringe at that label. She gave me a book written by Walker. At the time, I was receptive and thumbed through it. A couple years later it ended up at a yard sale I had, and shortly following, the waste receptacle.
The article that features her daughter is an interesting read.
I read that article not too long ago, gooberzzz. Definitely an interesting read.
I left my BPD ex nearly two years ago and frankly, am thoroughly disgusted with what passes for womanhood today. The vast majority of women are self-absorbed, manipulative and greedy. After a while I started dating and signed up for a dating site (big mistake!) believing that most women were friendly. Boy was I in for a surprise. Not only did they pretend to be nice (in some cases, it didn’t even last until after the first/blind date). But also, many could not see the conflict between their ‘feminist’ views and their romantic objectives.
I’ve asked those few who did question feminism why, if they felt this way, did they not speak out, and hold other women accountable (in the way that most men I know do with each other)?
In the last few months I’ve come to understand the reason. We are truly living what Orwell wrote about in 1984 – only the gender has changed: “Big Sister is watching you.”
blueshound,
Speaking out is one thing. But I would have as much luck forcing another person to hold themselves accountable, as you would have forcing your BPD Ex to hold herself accountable. Gender notwithstanding. I’ve gone toe-to-toe with women in other forums and came to the conclusion that it’s pointless. IMO, changes need to be affected within the judicial system.
Agreed, inasmuch as the judicial system is where entitlement, irresponsibility and hostile behavior are legally enforced and rewarded. This is also an issue of cultural sensibilities as well as one of the heart. If these attitudes and behaviors were treated as being shameful, instead of something to be celebrated, then I suspect there would be less running off to court to “get mine” in the first place. Just a thought, although removing the financial and legal incentives would certainly go a long way!
So do family lawyers actually argue this point? I know if I were to go to court I would definitely instruct my lawyer to pull all the punches and use everything to his/her disposal. This seems like an excellent argument to make in a court room.
I’ve often wondered why judges make the decisions they do. I had a friend who’s X basically kid napped their son and put him with his grandparents in another state. He sued to get his son back into the same city. It took several months to get him back. Now you would think that because of this episode with his X the judge would rule that custody would change right? Nope! Stayed the same with more alienation of their child. I mean really WTF? I figure if that’s the kind of thing that goes on in the family court room I’m doomed.. but damn it if I have the resources it’s worth fighting for rights and trying to change the system because IMO that’s what’s broken.
@Micksbabe, your comment reminds of a joke:
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
One. But only if the light bulb wants to change.
I’m not talking about ‘forcing’ other people to hold themselves accountable. I agree we need changes in our laws but I don’t agree the courts are the place to start. The law and our courts are part of society and represent the codification of the values we share in common. The values on which the West are based are slowly being eroded. This is why I believe it starts and ends with what you and I decide to do as individuals.
Women who label themselves as ‘feminist’ are coddled by society in the same way that some insecure parents coddle and won’t correct a misbehaving child. The result is now writ large: millions of women have become arrogant and drunk with power: the group acts like one tyrant on a societal scale.
It’s true you can’t make some act differently if they don’t want to. I’m talking about the rest of us having the courage to hold these people accountable for their words and actions in exactly the same way Dr. T and TheGirlInside family and friends did. The shame and guilt they rightly felt when confronted with their arrogance and disrespect was the turning point.
If more of us had the courage to speak up and pointed out the error, then the resistance these women would encounter would certainly have an effect on some of them.
“One man with courage is a majority.” Thomas Jefferson