Our So-Called Rape Culture

The following article includes unpublished excerpts from my interview with HuffingtonPost columnist Vicki Larson for her article, Are Men Society’s Scapegoats?

Ms Larson’s article was published soon after Nafissatou Diallo was found to be an uncredible witness regarding the rape allegations she made against Dominique Strauss-Kahn. The New York DA has since dismissed the charges against DSK.

Ms Larson asked: Women often live in fear of men. They’re stronger than us, they can hurt us, they can rape us. Some say we live in a “rape culture.” Is our fear unfounded? Why or why not?

According to Wikipedia:

Rape culture is a term which originated in women’s studies and feminist theory, describing a culture in which rape and sexual violence against women are common and in which prevalent attitudes, norms, practices, and media condone, normalize, excuse, or tolerate sexual violence against women. Examples of behaviors commonly associated with rape culture include victim blaming, sexual objectification and rape-apologism.

While I do not read every news item nor do I watch every talking head on cable news, I honestly cannot remember ever hearing anyone excuse a man for raping a woman in my lifetime. Ever. Not in the United States. Not once. Not ever.

Our culture portrays rape as one of the most heinous crimes that can be perpetrated against women and girls by men and boys.

Meanwhile, no one ever discusses adult male rape victims who, believe it or not, do exist and in far greater numbers than female rape victims, well, that is unless they’re telling a prison rape joke. When a teen-aged boy is raped by an adult woman, for example, by a trusted female teacher, many people shrug it off and act as if the teen-aged male victim just won the statutory rape-molestation lottery.

The reality is that more men are raped every year in jail than women in the general population, which is a statistic you won’t see mentioned in any Slut Walk or Take Back the Night literature. The number of U.S. female rape victims is approximately 240,000. Approximately 300,000 male inmates are raped each year in the U.S. We don’t know how many men and boys are raped in the general population. However, if you combine that number with the 300,000, male rape victims far exceed the number of female victims.

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By the way, the male victim in the above video is handicapped, not that the crime would’ve been in way excusable if the boy had no disabilities. No expulsion for the girls, though, since they didn’t violate the boy on school property. No juvie hall for the girls either, which is where they ought to be.

Imagine what would happen if three teen-aged boys did the same thing to an 11-year old disabled girl.

No one laughs at acts of domestic violence against women and girls in media and television, well, not if they want to keep their jobs.

Yet, commercial after commercial, talk show after talk show and sitcom after sitcom portray men and boys as objects of cultural ridicule. Violence against men in television and film is a common punchline.

When’s the last time a man who murdered his wife or children had his crimes reasoned away and excused by Gloria Allred because he was abused as a child or because he suffered domestic violence? Men are rarely let go with a slap on the wrist and the oh so severe “consequence” of counseling. (Seriously, counseling is not a consequence!)

What’s more, when a woman is proven to have made false rape or abuse allegations, our culture is ever quick to make excuses and protect her. And what about the man whose life she destroyed with her lies? Up until very recently, news outlets wouldn’t even disclose the names of false accusers in order to protect the false accusers.

Aren’t we supposed to protect the victims of crime and not the perpetrators of crime? The true victim of a false allegation is the falsely accused, not the lying accuser nor theoretical potential future rape victims per the old feminist chestnut, “If we punish false accusers of rape, it will discourage actual rape victims from coming forward.” No, it will discourage false reports of rape you half-wits. Enough with the backwards logic already.

It’s more accurate to say that we live in a culture in which violence against men and boys is common and in which prevalent attitudes, norms, practices, and media condone, normalize, excuse, or tolerate all forms of violence against men and boys. Examples of behaviors commonly associated with rape culture include victim blaming, sexual objectification and rape-apologism and false rape allegation-apologism.

In reality, men have far more reason to fear women in our culture than women have to fear men.

All a woman has to do is say, “I’m afraid,” provide zero evidence other than her feelings, and she can obtain an ex parte restraining order that forces a man out of his home and his children’s lives. Young men on college campuses who are accused of sexual assault have lost the right to due process and legal representation in the collegiate equivalent of star chambers, in which they can be found guilty and expelled from school with a “preponderance of evidence” (certainty of 50.01% that the accused is guilty) instead of “beyond a reasonable doubt” (98% certainty) or “a clear and convincing” standard (80% certainty). Family court are notoriously biased against men and fathers in favor of women. The Violence Against Women Act protects female victims of domestic violence, but not male victims. And these are just a few examples.

On a personal level, I don’t live in fear of men. Do you?

I don’t quake in fear of the guy in cargo shorts, a Polo shirt and Havaianas behind me in the supermarket check-out line. I’m fearful if I’m in a strange part of town by myself at night, but not because I’m afraid of men. I’m afraid of criminals, some of whom happen to be men.

I don’t want to live in fear of 50% of the world’s population. It’s irrational, it’s paranoid and it’s unhealthy.

The pervasive fear of men in our culture is unfounded; in fact, it’s an absurd hysteria that’s a by-product of calculated political theater and feminism, which has become an ideology of hate. Unfortunately, there are certain groups that profit from perpetuating the fear of all things male, so it persists.

Many men are physically bigger and stronger than the average woman, but physical strength and body size have nothing to do with abuse. This is a myth perpetuated by the Domestic Violence and female sexual grievance industries . . . and Dr Phil.

Many men are abused and assaulted by smaller women. These men don’t hit back — even in self-defense.

There are some women who feel free to slap, kick, push, punch and scratch men and hit them with objects because they know the man they’re attacking won’t hit them back. Most men have been taught from a very early age that it’s not okay to hit women and girls no matter what — even when they’re under physical assault by a woman.

“Don’t hit girls” is a message that has been drummed into our society for a few decades now. Where is the equivalent message for girls about not hitting boys? Tween shows like iCarly use their male characters as punchlines and punching bags for their female characters. Imagine a children’s TV show that featured a boy hitting a girl followed by the applause and guffaws of a laugh track. There would be tremendous public outrage from moms. Where’s the outrage for boys who are hit and ridiculed?

Predators prey on those they perceive as weak. Predators are distributed equally among the sexes, if not the prison populations. Male predators go to jail; female predators go to counseling.

In this respect, female predators have an advantage over male predators. Sociopathic predators of both sexes are highly treatment resistant, so why do we send female predators to community counseling and male predators to the state penitentiary? Why?

Because when it comes to gender equality in our culture, we live on a one-way street paved with double standards.

Men have the ability to hurt women. Women have the ability to hurt men. Neither sex has a monopoly on the ability to hurt others. Some of the worst emotional beatings I’ve experienced were at the hands of other women. Almost all of the workplace bullying I’ve experienced in academia and the mental health field, was perpetrated by other women. This is just one of feminism’s dirty secrets.

Research shows that women excel in relational and psychological aggression. In fact, women engage in psychological aggression more than men (Muñoz-Rivas, et al, 2007) and their use of physical aggression is nearly equal to men (Parity, 2010).  A 2000 meta-analysis found that women are slightly more likely to commit physical aggression while men are slightly more likely to injure their partner overall (Archer, 2000). Two-thirds to three-quarters of aggression in relationships is bi-directional (i.e., both partners are aggressors).

However, in the minority of relationships with one-sided aggression, women are two times more likely to be the aggressor (Straus & Ramirez, 2007). Severe physical abuse of women in marriage and dating has decreased significantly since the 1970s, but severe abuse of men in marriage and dating has held steady or increased (Straus, 1995; Hampton, et al., 1989; Mallory, et al., 2003). Furthermore, two studies found that women attributed their male partners’ physical aggression to self-defense (Follingstad, 1991; Sommer, 1994).

As a society, it’s time to accept the fact that both men and women are equally capable of hurting each other. I don’t want to be seen as a victim because I’m a woman. I’m sick and tired of the way certain groups portray women as victims. I want equal rights; not special rights.

Women can and do hurt and rape men and boys. Just click on any one of the following names:

Sylvette Barretto, Ashley Jo Beach, Tracy Conley, Stephanie Draper, Amy Ellsworth, Michelle Francoeur, Eraelia Glisson, Georgiana Helmboldt, Abby Kramer, Adrienne Laflamme, Michelle McAdams, Naomi PerezElizabeth Raedeke, Angelic Roberts, Carrie Shafer, Leisa Ward, Melanie Yusko, and  Heather Zeo.

Women can be just as violent as men: Brianna BroitzmanTheresa CraigNicole Doucet, Agnieszka F, Susan Falls, Sherry Fleming, Senobia Flemister, Kathleen Folbigg, Vicki GilligChytoria Graham, Erika Gutierrez, Quantasa House, Melissa Huckaby, Katherine Knight, Ashton Larson, Deborah Littler-Parsons, Aset Magomadova, Stephanie McMullen, Carmen Montenegro, Pamela Rowley, Sarena Sherrard, Dallas Smith, Johanna Vera, and Sharron Watson.

Should we live in fear of women as an entire sex?

Women have the unthinkable power of destroying a man’s life by simply pointing a finger at him and crying, “Rape!” Men have no such power over women. If a man claimed a woman raped him, he’d be laughed out of many a police station.

These women made false allegations: Temitope AdenugbaJacqueline Barkley, Emma Blunden, Faye Branighan, Jade Brooks, Leoni Campbell, Vanna Chief Eagle aka Vanna Fast Wolf, Katherine M. Clifton, Louise Creighton, Andrea Davio-Michaud, Christina Dallison, Helen Dalby, Jennifer Day, Jessica De La Vega, Tracee Deane, Danielle Deichman, Liselle Ellis, Chloe Dolton, Melinda Denham, Roseanne England, Cheryl Fleming, Felisha Hardison, Kay Hoofe, Kirstie Hodgson, Sarah-Jane Hiliard, Sarah Hunter, Leyla Ibrahim, Louise Johnson, Heidi Jones, Rebecca Knight, Bernadett Kore, Amanda Lang, Michaela Lodge, Amanda Little, Aisha Mather, Samantha Merry, Tamara Moonier, Samantha Morley, Amanda Moyes, Louise Ndikum, Danmell Ndonye, Eloise O’Donovan, Hannah Patenall, Biurny Peguero, Jessica Perry, Victoria Salter,Deanna Taulbee, Emma Wallace, Elizabeth Wilkinson, and Kate Woodhead.

If not for evidence, the innocent men these women falsely accused would have spent years in jail and been labeled sex offenders for the rest of their lives and for what? Because a young woman failed out of college and claimed she was raped, so her parents wouldn’t be angry with her? Because a woman was upset a man didn’t call her after a one-night stand? Because a woman cheated on her husband and called it rape, so her husband wouldn’t divorce her?

Ladies, how would you feel if your sons were falsely accused of rape? Would you want the woman who tried to take away your son’s life to go to counseling or would you want her to go to jail for her crime?

I don’t live in fear of men. I live in fear of violent criminals and pathological liars of both sexes. Although, I can certainly understand why many men live in fear of women. It’s justified.

If we live in a rape culture, it’s one in which violence against men and boys is normalized and excused, and not the other way round.

Shrink4Men Counseling, Coaching and Consultation Services:

Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.

References:

Archer, J. (2000). Sex differences in aggression between heterosexual partners: A meta-analytic review. Psychological Bulletin, Vol. 126, pp. 651-680.

Follingstad, D. R., Wright, S., & Sebastian, J. A. (1991). Sex differences in motivations and effects in dating violence. Family Relations, Vol. 40, pp. 51-57.

Hampton, R. L., Gelles, R. J., & Harrop, J. W. (1989). Is violence in families increasing? A comparison of 1975 and 1985 National Survey rates. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 51, 969-980.

Mallory, K. A., McCloskey, K. A., Griggsby, N., & Gardner, D. (2003). Women’s use of violence within intimate relationships. Journal of Aggression, Maltreatment & Trauma, Vol. 6 No. 2, pp. 37-59.

Muñoz-Rivas, M. J., Graña Gómez, J. L., O’Leary, D. K., and González Lozano, P. (2007). Physical and psychological aggression in dating relationships in Spanish university students. Psicothema Vol. 19, No. 1, pp. 102-107.

Sommer, R. (1994). Male and female partner abuse: Testing a diathesis-stress model. Unpublished doctoral dissertation, University of Manitoba, Winnipeg, Canada.

Straus, Murray A. & Ramirez, I. L. (2007). Gender symmetry in prevalence, severity and chronicity of physical aggression against dating partners by university students in Mexico and USA.” Aggressive Behavior, Aug 2007, pp. 281-290.

Straus, M. A. (1995). Trends in cultural norms and rates of partner violence: An update to 1992. In S. M. Stich & M. A. Straus (Eds.) Understanding partner violence: Prevalence, causes, consequences, and solutions (pp. 30-33). Minneapolis, MN: National Council on Family Relations.

Comments

  1. kiwihelen says

    I half expect to get blasted by the femi-nazis for what I am about to say.

    Saying we live in a rape culture directly perpetuates the victim mentality which seems to be the hall-mark of the 3rd wave of feminism

    I’m 41. I have never been raped, but have had the experience of sexual exploitation. And guess what, most of the time making clear that the attention is unwanted has stopped it…and having worked on all male work teams, I have often had my position reinforced by other male staff making it very clear that I was to be treated with respect.

    What has protected me?
    1) I consider the environment I am going in to and I do not take excessive risk. In the factory I worked in as a student we knew the supervisor had a bad habit of frotting female staff, so we would go and retrieve stuff from the stock room in pairs, never by ourselves (the fact I broke his toe on the last day I worked there was a great example of natural consequences – don’t frot a woman in steel cap boots)
    2) I don’t let my judgement get clouded by substances unless I am with people I know and trust who will look out for me. Boring I guess, but hey that is what a responsible person does.
    3) If I am in a moderate risk environment (walking home after dark), I follow sensible precautions and plan ahead – yep, I might have to walk a 1/2 mile more from the station after dark, but i am not going to cross the park which is unlit, I’m going to walk around via the road. Or get a cab.

    The most severe sexual exploitation I ever had was within a relationship. And the biggest protection we can give anyone is to help them learn and understand that a healthy relationship is does not include exploitation of any form. It was low self-worth that made me stay, along with a stupid belief my love could cure him of his inner demons.

    Victim thinking reduces self-efficacy, and that reduces self-worth. Survivor thinking has made me strong and less vulnerable to exploitation. So lets stop calling it a “rape culture” and giving our daughters (and nieces) a fear message – lets show them how to protect themselves.

    • Dr Tara J. Palmatier says

      Hi KH,

      There are still pockets of misogyny left in our culture, but it’s no longer culturally acceptable. The reality is that society we’ll never be 100% free from bigotry, hatred or sexism. It’s just the duality of human nature. All of us are incredible of both great good and great evil.

      My point is, that while misogyny is no longer culturally acceptable, misandry is, and that is unacceptable. We shouldn’t elevate one gender by denigrating another. And we should be able to criticize both genders when criticism is merited without being labeled a misogynist or a misandrist. This article will no doubt cause some to label me a misogynist and an agent of the hate-triarchy. But really, what have I said? Our society’s come a long way in its attitudes towards women and violence against women is no longer culturally acceptable. Mission accomplished, ladies. That’s a good thing, right?

      However, violence against men is now so culturally acceptable, that a woman can cut off her husband’s penis and have it be comic fodder for daytime talk shows. No one jokes about FGM.

      Like you, I don’t put myself into harm’s way. I stay out of places I know might be dangerous rather than walking about with an entitled attitude that the entire world should be safe. I wish the whole world were safe, but, what with the ever growing economic disparity and general education, that’s just childish thinking.

      From what I understand, instead of viewing women as strong and capable, third wave feminism seems to have elevated women into the role of empowered professional victims. There is power in assuming the role of victim, but it is an illegitimate power. Empowered professional victims get to abdicate personal responsibility and everyone owes them. That’s not true empowerment. That’s infantilization of women.

      • says

        “There are STILL pockets of misogyny left in our culture”
        “My point is, that while misogyny is NO LONGER culturally acceptable”

        I’m sorry, but when has misogyny EVER been culturally acceptable in our society?

        I have not come across any evidence that “woman hating” or “woman beating” has ever been socially acceptable in any western culture.

        Can you provide references or links to back these claims up?

        Thanks.

        • Dr Tara J. Palmatier says

          Hi ScareCrow,

          There are still pockets of misogyny and racism, it’s just more underground.

          There was a time when women were viewed as 2nd class citizens and were considered the property of their husbands/fathers. A man was legally allowed to beat or force sex upon his wife, but this was a very long time ago. While it may not have been socially acceptable, I believe it was legal.

          Will look for reference links later.

          Kind Regards,
          Dr T

          • says

            Time index 3:28
            “It has never been legal for men to beat or rape their wives”

            Time index 3:33
            “The very idea that men could ever want to be like this, makes this myth a hate-crime against men”.

          • Paul Elam says

            I get to play devils advocate with both of you. There is indeed still misogyny remaining in this culture. I have had to ban a few people from my site because all they wanted to do was bash women, all women, as though they were the source of all evil. And I do believe there was a time that expressing blanket, dim views of women, generally speaking, was not met with much social resistance.

            To qualify this, however, we need to consider that articulated exploration of the dark side of either sex is not misandry or misogyny. It is a very important dialog.

            The next AVfM show will be on “What Women Want,” and it will include this dialog.

            To the other point, Dr. T, I think you may be mistaken when you say, “There was a time when women were viewed as 2nd class citizens and were considered the property of their husbands/fathers. A man was legally allowed to beat or force sex upon his wife, but this was a very long time ago. While it may not have been socially acceptable, I believe it was legal.”

            Not so. Consider this from some of the work of Christina Hoff Sommers regarding our history of dealing with wife abusers:

            “In America, there have been laws against wife beating since before the Revolution. By 1870, it was illegal in almost every state; but even before then, wife-beaters were arrested and punished for assault and battery. The historian and feminist Elizabeth Pleck observes in a scholarly article entitled “Wife-Battering in Nineteenth-Century America”:

            It has often been claimed that wife-beating in nineteenth-century America was legal… Actually, though, several states passed statutes legally prohibiting wife-beating; and at least one statute even predates the American Revolution. The Massachusetts Bay Colony prohibited wife-beating as early as 1655. The edict states: “No man shall strike his wife nor any woman her husband on penalty of such fine not exceeding ten pounds for one offense, or such corporal punishment as the County shall determine.”

            “[Pleck] points out that punishments for wife-beaters could be severe: according to an 1882 Maryland statute, the culprit could receive forty lashes at the whipping post; in Delaware, the number was thirty.

            In New Mexico, fines ranging from $225 to $1000 were levied, or sentences of one to five years in prison imposed. For most of our history, in fact, wife-beating has been considered a sin comparable to to thievery or adultery. Religious groups — especially Protestant groups such as Quakers, Methodists, and Baptists — punished, shunned, and excommunicated wife-beaters.

            Husbands, brothers, and neighbors often took vengence against the batterer. Vigilante parties sometimes abducted wife-beaters and whipped them.”

            More on this here: http://www.debunker.com/texts/ruleofthumb.html

            Suffice it to say that socially or legally acceptable brutality against women is a feminist myth so successfully disseminated through our culture that most of us consider it common knowledge.

            This is all important stuff, but in another way it distracts from this sterling article, which is a barn burner of debunking targeted at precisely the right places.

            I will be linking to it often in the future.

          • says

            This is one huge source of misandry.

            Fact, it was not illegal – but then again, there was no law saying that it was illegal to eat babies after peeing on them.

            Serious – do the research – you will find no laws that forbid people from FIRST urinating on an infant then subsequently eating it.

            So, therefore, it was perfectly legal to pee on, then eat babies in days past?!!?

            Assault and rape were just that – assault and rape – the relation of victim to perpetrator was irrelevant.

            The nutsy feminists decided to make 1,000,000 categories for each of those, pertaining specifically to women.

            Gee, in days past, there was no V.A.W.A….

            I guess that means that violence against women was therefore legal.

            When I see cliche writing that wreaks of misandry, do not expect me to back down or ignore it.

            I will not.

          • Paul Elam says

            I’ll say this and bow out. If you think this article “wreaks” [sic] of misandry, then soldier on, brother, for as long as anyone will pay attention to you.

            I know my time of doing that is officially over.

          • Dr Tara J. Palmatier says

            I apologize for not knowing what I didn’t know, ScareCrow. Thank you for correcting the bit of misinformation (i.e., lies) under which I was still laboring.

            I’ve watched some of the other manwomanmyth videos. The series on Rape is very powerful. Here are the links for anyone who is interested:

          • Dr Tara J. Palmatier says

            Thank you, Paul. It never ceases to amaze me how vast the misinformation of feminism is. I know that their stats on DV and rape are works of fiction, but didn’t realize the “it used to be legal for a man to beat his wife” was a lie, too.

            Thanks also for the link. It’s very helpful.

          • D says

            I don’t think you should apologize to this commentator Dr. T even if it’s just tongue in cheek. Some of the MRA types are hypersensitive and we shouldn’t indulge it anymore than any other borderline, female or male. It’s hard to even tell if the writer is serious but that would only lead to the one apppropriate response which is to not dignify him with a response.

        • JPJ says

          From a guys perspective,this article is right on the mark.We do live in fear of
          being falsely accused and the playing field is not fair.A women can say anything about a guy and they will most likely be believed.

          “A false accusation is as deadly as a sword,a club or a sharp arrow.” Proverbs 25:18

          I was once in a band where the leader told us not to hang out with the girls after the show.He did not want to have to deal with false accusations and crazy charges that would come back to haunt him.At the time,I did not understand…but now I certainly get it.

          Men have to look out so that they do not get themselves in trouble for doing nothing wrong.There is good anger…..the type that serves as a warning sign and bad anger that is abusive.I think that often times women take the good anger…twist it around to serve their own purposes.
          This is not fair at all.

          “”Better to live on the roof than share a house with a nagging wife” Proverbs 25:24

      • Mellaril says

        You might still have a shot as Chair of the Victim Studies Department:

        “Successful completion of the program awards you Certificate of Victimhood and allows the use of the initials PV after your name.”

        Entrance to the program is based on a combination of test scores that indicate personality disorders and resume that denotes previous education and experience.

        Special consideration is given for:

        (1) Affidavits from licensed mental health professionals with a diagnosis of a personality disorder.
        (2) Documentation of any of the following: Suicide threats, coercive pregnancies, filing of false police reports, prolonging legal proceedings.

  2. the_mathemagician says

    I think this rates as one of the best articles I’ve seen posted here, and based on the many that I’ve read, it’s a very high bar of quality.

    I can attest to the double-standard, having sat in front of a therapist who was concerned about the fact I might lunge at my then-wife out of anger and didn’t seem to mind treating me like the monster, when I was the one getting kicked, hit, targeted by glass bottles and dishes. This culture only serves to re-victimize victims–thanks, Dr. Phil–and empowers these abusers (men and women) who get the kind of validation that they were looking for.

    It annoys me to no end to see the same commercials and television shows and movies that you reference, where it’s “entertainment” to see someone (likely a man now) cowed into submission under the withering look of his significant other any time he attempts to stand up for his self-respect. And of course, who doesn’t laugh when a guy gets whacked in the balls? It’s so much more hysterical than watching a woman get whacked in the breasts…oh wait, that doesn’t happen on TV. I forgot (and thank goodness btw that it doesn’t happen on TV!). I can hear the critics now saying that this is merely balancing out decades–if not centuries or millennia–of a male-dominated world. I guess some people do think two wrongs can make a right.

    • Dr Tara J. Palmatier says

      Here’s the thing, you don’t balance out misogyny with misandry. You don’t balance out female directed sexism with male directed sexism. You don’t right the wrongs done to women in centuries past by marginalizing men and boys. Elevating women at the expense of men only serves to breed resentment and injustice, which serves to perpetuate the gender war.

      Thanks for the kind feedback, the_mathemagician. I was a little reluctant to publish this one as I know some will take offense to it. But, at this point in time, this is what I believe.

      I work with men who are subjected to abusive behavior by their wives/girlfriends/exes. In many ways, what these men suffer and are bravely fighting to break free of, is enabled by our culture, which is why this topic matters, at least it’s why it matters to me.

      If our culture recognized the violence women perpetrate against men, there would be shelters and many, many other resources and supports for men. Perhaps the anti-male bias in family court would also dissipate. The larger system we live in effects us all personally, which is why I’d like to see more awareness about these issues and, hopefully, a more equitable society for all.

      • Cousin Dave says

        Pretty much all of the 20th-century civil rights movements degenerated into groups seeking special privileges and vengeance for perceived slights. To a considerable extent, society is no better off for them because, instead of working for equity, all they did was push the pendulum to the other side. I think the psychology of these groups would make for an interesting study, and it’s important to find the answers since, as things stand, the only possible outcome is a downward spiral of competing special-interest groups.

  3. Funky Monk says

    I now realize that this media-induced sense of entitlement is what propelled by ex-wife to think she could get away with abuse, be it physical, emotional or psychological — I remember her actually saying, “I can do whatever I want” when I told her that she should not be hitting me; and she used to justify her actions by pointing out fake TV show relationships in which the woman slaps/hits/intimidates the man.

    Well I’m sure that that kind of rationale also influenced many Germans to be convinced by Hitler in the ’30s: well everyone else is doing it so must be right! Abuse of any kind is wrong, no matter whom it is perpetrated against and no matter how prevalent it may be in society.

    I’m just glad that I got out of the marriage soon enough to save my son from any direct abuse.

    • Dr Tara J. Palmatier says

      I’m glad you’re out, too, Funky Monk.

      I’ve heard similar threats via my clients. For example, many of my clients’ wives have made threats to have them removed from the home if they don’t obey them/give into their unreasonable demands by calling the police and claiming abuse.

      When my clients counter, “But no abuse happened,” there’s wives smugly say some variation of, “Who do you think the cops are going to believe?”

      It’s beyond wrong that these sick twists use law enforcement as another way to abuse. It’s utter BS.

  4. alreadylost says

    Dr T.
    A timely and well written article. It does make me a bit angry though and compels me to rant a bit it permitted. “if you’re captured don’t let them give you to the women”. An old warriors advice to new soldiers. Personally, I fear women much more than men. My experience has taught me that most women in today’s society view men as monsters to be kept at arms length at used as necessary to get what they want. My view is reenforced by 90% of what passes as entertainment these days and by 99% of the women I encounter on a day to day basis. As part of the only class against which society actively encourages discrimination – namely white male conservative – I have no recourse or avenue to fight the routine double standard and societal abuse I encounter on a daily basis. I can’t even smile at a lady without being accused of leering at her. God help me if I even glance at a child. I must have evil intent. Personally, I’m not sure I will ever trust any female again. At least if a man dislikes you he let’s you directly. Women = a knife in the back while smiling in you face so to speak

    • Dr Tara J. Palmatier says

      Hi egribkb,

      Ugh! How could I forget her. Magnum is finally in jail for stabbing her fiance to death. Maybe that man would still be alived if she’s been prosecuted and jailed after the Duke incident.

      • TheGirlInside says

        I just about lunged at my computer reading “don’t be quick to judge” (the murderous, lying slut who damn near murdered her OWN CHILDREN to ‘get’ her ex boyfriend).

        I’m quicking to judge – Evil. Throw a stack of fake money in the middle of a house to lure her in, lock the doors and paint the windows shut, and start a fire….she should feel right at home before long.

  5. ssscrambled says

    Hi Dr T.

    I’m very grateful for this article. People mentioning the concept of “rape culture” has always made me exceedingly angry, because it implies not just that men have an inherent propensity to want to rape, but also that they (or should I say “we”) follow this “culture” in an unthinking way. It’s quite unsettling to realise there are people who despise men so much that they would resort to that sort of language.

    One form of intra-relationship rape that I think is underacknowledged is that of women pressuring their partners into sex, on the understanding that the relationship would be over, or some other negative consequence would ensue, if it was refused. I remember when I was deep into my BPD relationship, one night between the interlude of foreplay and reaching for a condom she announced “it’s alright you don’t need it. I got tested for STIs last week and I’ve started taking the pill” – no prior discussion whatsoever. I knew by then that I didn’t really trust her, but I went ahead with it anyway because the alternative was to put on my clothes and permanently get the hell out of there – which I probably should have done in retrospect, but hey, you live and learn!

    Lastly I just want to say, reading your articles over the last several months has really helped me to spot an abusive personality and not get worried by the things they say. If I’d read a comment like the one from our friend scarecrow above a couple of years ago I probably would have been rattled by it and tried to argue back. But i realised just now when I read scarecrow’s comments I had the immediate reaction of “oh, it’s one of those…”, and knew straight away not to take any notice. Ha, they’re actually quite one-dimensional when you think about it! But perhaps if you were looking for a money-spinner you could train negotiators and corporate groups on “how to spot an abusive personality”, because I think you’ve hit upon a formula that really works!

    Take care, and thanks again.

  6. Curtman41 says

    I was introduced to this website 2 years ago and since then I have been made so much more aware of the reality that abusive women are accepted and normalized in this culture and use it to their advantage in the family court system, in the work place and even out in public settings. Just last Saturday evening, I was involved in an incident. I was out at a small martini bar sitting at a table with a buddy catching up. I went to the bar to order another drink for myself. I noticed there were 3 ladies sitting together at the bar. The one closest to me said hi to me. She was very chatty with me, showing pictures of her 9 month old daughter and all the rest of it. After 20 minutes of this my buddy walked over. He is a very fit and muscular man. Almost immediately, the other 2 women without permission began to feel his chest and arms.m (Guys, try doing that to a woman and you will be thrown in jail!!) Then without warning these 2 began to accuse me of trying to take their friend “home.” I was very taken back by this. I asked them what I said that triggered them to think this. They said it was nothing I said but rather what I was wearing indicated to them I was trying to pick her up. I was very offended because I had no interest in picking anyone up and was only there because she was talking to me and I didn’t want to be rude and just walk away. Interestingly the woman I was chatting with in the beginning remained silent while her friends berated me. One of the women with a loud voice turned to the bartender and demanded they throw me out. The bartender without hesitation looked at me like I was just about to rape this women and asked what my problem was. The bouncer also arrived and took an aggressive stance with me. I just stood there in shock wondering why I am being targeted. These women clearly used their gender to manipulate the situation and get exactly what they wanted. I left frustrated. My buddy told me when we were walking outside that the bartender was very close to calling the police on me. I never raised my voice or anything. That incident ruined my evening. I am a respected business person and something like this can really tarnish a reputation. Unbelievable!!

    • Mr. E says

      Some women like to start trouble in bars just like some men do. The difference is that a drunk guy will take a swing at you, a drunk woman will talk 4 guys into taking a swing at you. Been there. I enjoy bars, but my rule is to pay attention to my surroundings and fade away at the first sign of craziness.

  7. marie says

    I sent the following message, and Dr. T’s article to everyone in my email address book with half a brain… I truly hope her article is forwarded, and forwarded and forwarded!! I have read EVERY one of her articles and this article is by far the best. It sums up her entire message in a concise, and easy to understand format. My prayer is that people identify with her message and believe her message. May God Bless and Protect my sons….

    I usually don’t forward messages, but this article really hit me like a ton of bricks. Imagine what would have happened if a group of teen-aged BOYS had victimized a handicapped 11- year old girl. The news clip indicated that police said the group of girls faced misdemeanor battery charges. Are you freaking kidding me? If teenage boys had been the aggressors the crime would have been called SEXUAL assault because she was forcibly held down, clothing removed, and her naked body was exposed while she was pleading for them to stop. What do we teach our boys? When a female says NO to ANYTHING sexual then – NO MEANS NO. Having your naked body exposed without consent would, no doubt, be considered sexual for females in our society. Whether the incident actually does rise to the level of a sexual assault is not my point. My point is the crime should be addressed in the same way for both sexes.

    I have male children and society is WRONG for allowing females to victimize males and not face the SAME punishments for their bad behavior. Hating on men, male bashing, making men the comedy punch line, raping men in divorce court, assuming that if you have a penis you are not an equally competent parent, etc. is frightening.

    Sorry for forwarding my soapbox but I do think its important for people with a brain larger than a walnut to read this article and at least consider the information.

    I’m not going to waste my time with the walnuts – AKA feminists…

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