How to Get Out and Stay Out Once You Realize You Are in a Relationship with Crazy
Here’s another superb article written by CrazyBuster, LiliM:
This article was inspired by some of the callers I’ve heard on Dr. Tara’s Shrink4Men Radio show. After listening to the first four episodes, I’ve noticed a theme with some of the men who get sucked into the madness of the high-conflict (HCP)/personality disordered/Crazy partner.
Just like women who seem to date the same loser over and over, there are some men who keep dating the same Crazy over and over.
If you have a pattern of getting involved with unstable, abusive, crazy, high-conflict and/or personality disordered women, you need to start connecting the dots.
If you realize that you have a habit of being attracted to Crazy, it’s in your best interests and your children’s interest (if applicable) to break your bad habit. The first thing I recommend is identifying your particular brand of Crazy.
When I was still attracted to Crazy, my Crazy of choice was the Cheater/Blamer Crazy. Once you identify your Crazy of choice, you then need to figure out how to end your attraction to Crazy or how to “Crazy-Proof” yourself.
How do you stop the cycle of attraction to Crazy?
At the end of a relationship with Crazy du jour, many of us vow, “Never again” and sincerely mean it. Nevertheless, odds are you’re still vulnerable to Crazy. Most of us tend to be conditioned to certain patterns of behavior and seek them out without even realizing it. If you get involved with the same type of Crazy over and over again, it’s helpful to realize that even though the Crazy package may look a little different, the inner contents are all the same.
If you’re in a relationship an unstable, abusive HCP, you need to get out.
However, this is easier said than done. With an abusive HCP and potentially personality-disordered person, the getting out part is neither normal nor easy. You can’t just say, “Hey, it’s not you, it’s me;” or, “Hey, it’s just not working out;” or, “Hey, I think we need to stop seeing each other.” Not with Crazy. The HCP will not allow it because it triggers their two biggest fears: the fear of abandonment and the fear of feeling inferior.
You need to plan your exit very carefully. Plan as though your life depended on it. In some ways, it does.
Nothing is easy with Crazy. They thrive on making everything an ordeal and a trial. So if you live together, rent a storage unit, and wait until your Crazy is gone. Take a day off work, gather a friend or two, and get your stuff out of the house. This is even more true if you’re married. If you’re married, you need to have a legal exit strategy in place before you get the storage unit and gather your friends.
Above all else, PLEASE do not tell your Crazy anything. When you’re a decent person, you want to give people a head’s up when the axe is about to fall because we don’t want to needlessly hurt the other person. THE RULES OF COMMON COURTESY DO NOT APPLY WHEN YOU’RE TRYING TO BREAK FREE OF THE CRAZY.
So whether you just live together or are married, telling the Crazy about the demise of the relationship should be the very last thing you do. Get everything else in place before you tell her it’s over.
Once you’ve done due diligence on how to get the hell outta Dodge and have informed Crazy you’re done with the relationship, you must prepare for what comes next.
Crazy will not let you go, not without trying to inflict maximum damage first. Even if she doesn’t want you and has repeatedly told you what a POS you are, she will not be dumped, she will not be left. When she rewrites history for your friends and family, you will be the one who was dumped, although, somehow, you will also be accused of being abusive. Be forewarned.
Block her calls from your cell phone. If you have children together, establish one email and one phone line for her to contact you and block her from all other avenues of communication. If she is a Crazy Dialer to your place of employment, make sure you let your boss know there might be trouble on the horizon.
Many people often feel embarrassed letting their boss know their personal life is not peachy keen. However, Crazy is very good at spotting your weak spots and work is often an obvious weak spot. Let your boss know ahead of time she may be calling and shrieking and accusing you of this or that. I’ve found, in chatting with men who worried about this, when they talked to their boss, they discovered their bosses willing to protect them while at work.
Prepare yourself for the siege. You know it’s coming, you’ve been with her long enough to know she’ll go that route. Unless there are children, go completely No Contact. Don’t be fooled by her protestations of love and desire, and her professed inability to live without you that may be coming your way. This is called hoovering.
Go No Contact, and stick to it. NO MATTER WHAT. The whole No Contact gig is harder than it seems. You have to do this, however, for your sanity and your ability to move forward and away from Crazy.
If children are involved, do your best to keep contact to the bare minimum and consider parallel parenting instead of co-parenting. You cannot co-parent with Crazy.
So what comes next?
You have now exited the Batshit Cave, gone no contact, and are working at maintaining it. You are adjusting to life without the drama and madness that comes with Crazy. You’re starting to think that maybe you could be ready to go out with another woman.
STOP!
Before you re-enter the dating pool, go to counseling. When we get involved with such destructive people, we become damaged. We end up carrying loads and loads of baggage on our internal baggage cart from having these people in our lives. Why we allow them in our lives is as varied in reasons as there are people here.
It’s a long path that leads us to coupling with Crazy. You need to realize that and stop yourself from merely continuing on that path now that you have seen the light and become aware.
Find a counselor that you like, that will challenge you, that will help you to look within to see what it was that drew you to Crazy. Identifying that “something” will keep your from hooking up with yet another Crazy in different packaging.
Now that you have invested in the gift of counseling for yourself, you need to learn how to spot the red flags that will alert you when the next Crazy is near.
We often talk about gut instinct. We talk about it, but a large number of us don’t listen to it. You need to start tuning into that.
There is a reason that we feel uneasy or unsettled with certain people. Because we are conditioned to see the general good in people, we often dismiss that gut instinct, that unsettled feeling that tells us, “Bad idea.” Stop ignoring your gut.
Once I got out of the relationship with my Cheater/Blamer, I hustled into my counselor’s office. I was full of blame, anger, and righteous indignation, the whole nine yards. The counselor stunned me by asking, “Why did you put up with it? What need did being with such a man meet in you?” I didn’t know what to say. I hadn’t even considered such a thing. So rather than venting about my crappy ex, I started to work on why I allowed myself to be with his crappy ass.
When you learn to see why you put up with certain things, you’ll be able to spot the people who will expect you to tolerate their crap before you get involved with them. Your gut instinct will sound the alarm and you may even feel like you want to vomit when you encounter these people. Instead of rushing headlong into another painful romance, you’ll know to smile politely and carefully walk away.
It’s really unfortunate that the people who are kind enough to get involved with these destructive and broken types are often the ones who have to do the most work to get back to some sense of normalcy. For any number of reasons, you are attracted to them, and once involved, are changed forever. It does not, however, need to be a negative change.
If you recognize the hell that the Crazy relationship was and do the work to recover from it, you will ultimately become a healthier and stronger person. It will completely and utterly suck to get past the relationship. However, you will come out better on the other side.
Hold onto that. You do not have to live in a way that makes you unhappy. You don’t deserve it and it’s not your fault she’s Crazy.
How you choose to act once you see the Crazy IS on you. That, you can control. You don’t have to just live with it. You do not have to tread the same path that you have been on.
Be honest with yourself, stay safe and good luck.
Thank you, LiliM, for another fantastic contribution to the site. Keep ‘em coming! – Dr T
Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:
Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.
39 Responses to “How to Get Out and Stay Out Once You Realize You Are in a Relationship with Crazy”
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And once you start dating and you think it might stick…be totally honest with your new lady about your crazy baggage that might call repeatedly 50 times in the middle of the night, or come up with random perceived “kid emergencies” that you must attend to RIGHT NOW!!! on a day that you and your new girlfriend had plans
Great article. As always, thank you.
Good advice, Refinnej. It’s always best to let new partners what they might be in for if your ex continues to harass you after the end of your relationship. Any new partner is a potential target for Crazy.
Btw, this isn’t a first date disclosure, but rather with someone you believe has long-term potential.
You are right, you have to give the new person a heads up. LOL, my husband told me his ex was crazy, and mean, and I thought for sure that no one could be THAT mean and crazy. Unfortunately, I was wrong.
You are very correct about the kid emergencies. Once they realize that you are blocking them, they will use the kids as the chisel to open the door to you. If you have kids, look over parenting plans in your state, and get a super OCD detailed CO/PP, so that it details everything you can think of, thus eliminating the need to respond to emergencies. The more detailed you are from the beginning, the easier it will be, relatively speaking, on you and anyone else in your life.
Good lord, crazies suck. It’s the never ending vortex of inflicting pain.
Great post Dr.T!! Thank you so much for this website. Last year in my darkest point of my abusive relationship the Lord led me to your site. This post really helped confirm that walking away from the relationship was the best thing I ever did. I didn’t know how to end the relationship because I was scared of the way she would react but, her abuse was too much and it was tiring to be emotionally pulled and pushed . My ex cheated on me twice (and lied about it even after getting caught and admitting to doing it). I would extend a helping hand to her because I cared but she never shown any appriciation. I compromised integrity and beliefs for her and all I got was verbal beatdowns and humiliation. After taking so much mess and her causing issues with my family I started not spending much time with her. Like what you posted Dr.T she acted like she was breaking up with me but like a broken record she would just say she was mad and she did mean it. I continued to not spend time with her and began claiming some of my own piece of mind through counciling and spending time a my new church (I had to leave my former church because she knew I went there.). Finally came the day that she once again baited me with sweet/friendly talk and as soon as I talked to her(out of loneliness) she shown her fangs attacked me verbally for not talking with her and because of a previous issue. That was confimation for me to continue walking but, my last straw ( the day I was sick tired of her craziness) was 2 days after chewing me out she sent me a message that she “still cares about me..” I was so pissed!!! I have refused contact with her since then. Thank you for this post I will share my experience with your site in the near future. The greatest healing I found next to counciling was forgiveness and re-commiting my life to Christ(who accepts me for who I am) and one day he will leading to a wonderful woman truely lives the command of ” Loving your neighbor as you love yourself”.
-Martin
Hi Martin,
Yes, it’s a great article, but LiliM wrote it not me.
It looks like you got hoovered back in so she could get you close enough to let down your guard and attack you. Typical. I’m glad you went no contact after that and hope you’ve been able to maintain it.
Excellent article, LiliM.
Just prior to and all throughout the first six months of my divorce process, I went to see a counselor twice a week. I needed to build up the courage not only to leave my HCP ExH, but also to navigate the war/divorce.
HCP’s will always blame, manipulate, threaten and assassinate your character, when faced with your abandonement of them. It always surprises me when a person has too much pride or ego to admit that they need help. I think counseling is helpful in ALL divorces, but when divorcing an HCP, it is a necessity.
And you are conditioned to take whatever they hand out. It’s ingrained because they have done a good job on making sure you learned your lesson well. I cannot tell you how many times I told myself that if I just XYZ, my ex would stop cheating. It’s what he always told me. Once that loop gets going in your head, it’s hard to stop it. Counseling can put a big block on the repetitive loop.
LiliM, a very good article.
A couple of things I would like to reiterate. Do talk to people, I discovered that this is so common and many have been through it.
DO NOT TELL HER ANYTHING. I just recently moved (under cover of the darkness) in distancing myself from her even more. Protect yourself and be safe.
Talking to others IS really important. So many people don’t realize how bad HCPs can be. Or, they think they are alone, and no one else has an ex as bad as theirs.
I completely agree on the idea that you don’t tell the ex anything. Not until you and anything you hold valuable are away from the potential path of destruction. Glad you got away!
Ditto on the NO INFORMATION TO THE EX POLICY. This is like telling a thief where you hide the key to your house.
Too many guys want to be nice, honest and fair with these types of women. Be a gentleman, but don’t be a fool. While you were with her, she no doubt used information she shared with her to hurt you. Do you honestly think it will be any different now that the relationship is over?
Taking care of yourself doesn’t make you a bad guy; taking care of and protecting yourself is healthy. Never willingly expose your jugular to these women. They’ll go right for the psychological kill shot.
I have been on a few dates since my separation without going to counselling beforehand. This article made me look back on those dates and realize that much of the first date was spent rehashing my 3 years of marriage-hell. In a way it opened up my respective dates to talk about their past relationships, but do I want to start a new one based on a shared premise of being through hell separately?
I’m not necessarily saying that I will go to counselling now, but I will make a more determined effort not to open up about my past so easily, and see where things go from a fresh perspective instead.
I have done that look back also. I can see why my early attempts at dating were not super successful. You are still so caught up in all the crap and injustice and hurt and anger, you can’t even allow another person into your sphere as anything other than a sympathetic ear.
I think once you are able to put your past IN your past, then you are in a better place to bring someone into your present and future. LOL, that was not an easy lesson to learn though!
Excellent advice, LiliM.
Hi Funky Monk,
I think it’s natural to discuss these things when the wounds are so fresh, but, as LiliM points out, it’s best done with a trusted friend or counselor.
At some point, it’s important that you share your history with a potential mate, but the first date probably isn’t the best time.
Good article. It is critical ,IMO, that we take a look at ourselves to figure out why we let this happen to us. What is going on within each of us that allows/causes us to tolerate this abuse, and why were we not more perceptive in seeing it before we got enmenshed.
I know that many of us feel that the masking and mirroring prevented us from seeing it. But, the more men I talk to about this and of whom I inquire re the details of their courtship, the more I find that there were very clear signs that were not maskedm, but, rather, explained away by the men themselves.
In my case and the cases of several other men I have spokebn to, there was clear evidence of our wives having engaged in infidelity in some capacity(either as a cheating girlfriend, a wife who had cheated on a past husband or an other woman to a married man). Yet, most of these guys just chlked that up to youthful indiscretion or aome other BS reason, choosing, instead to beleive it would be different with us.
So, in addition to needing to look at our low sense of entitlement in tolerting the crap we did, we also need to lok at the hubris that allowed us to feel we were so different than their past victims.
That goes to the idea that we give others the benefit of the doubt, and think the best of them.
I truly believe that Crazies know this, know that most people who are human are conditioned to think positive of others, and will act in a societally acceptable manner. They prey on it. Micksbabe was right when she called them predators.
Great article! People do need to be careful about the “hoovering” you mention, even after the escape. I have witnessed a man who escaped a HCP personality-disordered mess continue to get pulled back in years later by pleas of,”I’ve changed,” “But we are MEANT for each other — I was just going through a bad time/a disease/menopause/fill in the blank,” “I have no one to help me with these household chores. I’ll pay you,” and, “I’m in pain. I need my back rubbed .”
Even after the woman hacked into his computer, read his e-mails to women and then contacted the women telling them he was involved with her (this was a number of years after their split), the guy still went over to her house to do some yard work for pay.
Bad habits need to be broken.
I have never understood that. Once I am done, either by my design, or theirs, I am done. I don’t look back. Well, maybe a little, but only in small peeks and not in any way going back to the relationship. Even with my Crazy, when I was done, that was it. He came back, because it was easier to be with me than without me (neither of us was healthy in any way) and I had to say no. It was hard, but I have always felt that once things go away, there is a reason, and you need to let them go.
Also (I forgot to mention this), create a new mantra for yourself, an affirmation: “I deserve to have a stable, decent person in my life.” Say it to yourself when no one is around. And believe it. I know someone who repeated, “I’m having no more nonsense in my life,” and swore by it
And then there are the “crazies” who jump ship as soon as “something better” comes along and there person who can’t get them off their mind … or realize how lucky they are … after they’re gone.
One movie I’ve thought about since coming across this blog is “Pretty in Pink” (another is “Play Misty for Me”).
While there was no reason given for the mom/wife leaving, I have found myself thinking she may have been one of the personalities discussed on this blog.
Which gives you a slightly different perspective on the movie, i.e., rather than wallowing in grief, the dad should have been thanking his lucky stars.
I think of this when the occasional comment comes in from someone who has had one of the soul-destroyers walk out on them, before kids enter the scene, and is distraught because of it.
They don’t know how lucky they are.
That’s an interesting thought. It’s normal to think, What did I do wrong? What is wrong with me? because these crazies have spent a lot of time making you feel it’s completely worthwhile to pursue their love and affection as though it were something beyond precious. I personally think it’s part of the M.O.
You are so right. Those that get left because Crazy “traded up” are the fortunate ones.