Oops! A BPD Did It Again! Another Post-Break Up Pregnancy to Trap a Man
Calling all Shrink4Men community members! There is a young man in need of an intervention.
Earlier this morning, a 24-year old man, “Eric,” left the following comment on the original Shrink4Men blog article, What Can I Do to Protect My Unborn Child from my BPD/NPD Ex-Girlfriend:
I find myself in almost the exact same circumstances as the original poster. My “crazy, controlling, clingy” girlfriend made my life miserable for a year. I finally got her out of my apartment, into school and a job (which I paid for/facilitated) and then broke up with her, in January.
She was “utterly devastated” and begged for a second chance. After several months of strict No Contact, I finally gave into her pleading voicemail in a moment of weakness. I called her and agreed to let her visit me “for closure,” which she insisted she needed.
Well, one thing led to another and we ended up having sex, a decision I will rue until the day I die. To make matters even more fun, now there’s a baby on the way.
Meanwhile, I’ve done research, and now I’m almost certain that she has BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I’m no psychologist, but she sounds like a textbook case to me, from what I have read. She’s also been diagnosed with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder).
Anyway, I’m 24, and don’t know what to do. It doesn’t help that I live and work in a southern state, while she is from New Jersey. She is pressing me to marry her ASAP “for the baby’s sake.” Even though this is the “traditional” option and would save my reputation a bit. All our friends are conservative Catholics who will no doubt consider me the scum of the earth if they know I not only had premarital sex, but refuse to marry the girl when she’s pregnant.
My ex presents herself very well and they have no idea how absolutely chaotic she is. Anyway, even though marriage is the traditional course of action, I can’t help but think it would be incredibly foolish in this case. She’s intolerable now. How much worse will she be when she’s not my girlfriend, but my wife?
I made a horrible choice by not sticking to my guns and ignoring her. Now I’ll be paying for it, but I simply don’t know what I can do. Try to help her while being in a relationship with her? Break up with her? Try to cut her loose and wish her best of luck? Try to get full custody of the child if possible? I know NOTHING about custody/family court/any of that stuff. Oh goodness . . .
After I stopped banging my head on my keyboard in frustration, I posted the following response:
Hi Eric,
Looks like you got “oopsed.” Any chance she’ll consider putting the baby up for adoption? Silly question, I know, as the baby was most likely deliberately conceived to trap you and give herself a hostage.
Forget about your friends and the church. They are not the ones who will have to live with an unstable and abusive partner. If I were in your shoes, I would be very clear that you have no intention of marrying her and that you do not want to co-parent with her. I would also strongly encourage her to go the adoption route.
Her behavior will most likely only become worse after the child is born and after marriage when she legally has you over a barrel. It will suck to co-parent with her, but it will suck exponentially more to be married to her and later divorce her. Please don’t do it. This website is riddled with stories of men who “did the right thing.”
If you do not want to be a father, tell her. You will be financially obligated to pay CS, but this was not your choice. She stole your choice from you.
Yes, it’s heartbreaking that another child will be born to and raised by another damaged, unstable, abusive woman who is unfit to be a parent, but the reality is that this child is just a drop in the bucket of children born to crazy, unfit mothers. Furthermore, if she decides to play games with custody, unless she is overtly over-the-top crazy, she will most likely be able to snow custody evaluators and judges.
Your best hope is that she will find some poor sucker who she will persuade to adopt the child. If you can make it clear that you want nothing to do with her and that there is no future, she will, naturally, play the victim/martyr, but may move onto another target/source of narcissistic supply. Then she will want to pretend you never existed and make the new guy the baby daddy. At least, this is one very common possible outcome.
A lesson to all men reading this: Beware of Crazy if she wants to get together to “just talk” after breaking up. Especially if she’s ovulating. Don’t have sex for just one last time. Odds are, she’s looking to trap you. And if you do, WEAR A CONDOM.
One last thing, I would insist on a paternity test. Yes, a paternity test. It happens.
Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh. Fellas, fellas, fellas, you have got to be more careful with your sperm. It is not merely your genetic material. In the wrong hands (or womb), it can be the seeds of a life of misery, pain and psychological, physical and financial ruin. Monty Python wasn’t just whistling Dixie when they sang Every Sperm is Sacred.
When I was in college, my cousin’s B to the P to the D ex-girlfriend did this to him. He thought he was just having a post-break-up friends with bennies hook-up. Instead, he got a beautiful son, but many years of legal hassles, expense, threats and heartache — and not just for him, but for his parents, siblings and extended family.
I remember the night he told our other cousin (who was in law school at the time) and me about this “unplanned pregnancy.” My other cousin (female) and I looked at him and said in unison, “What are you? Stupid?” quickly followed by a chorus of, “What the hell were you thinking?”
Our cousin remarked on our lack of empathy, which we belatedly offered him. Then we had a discussion about how so many otherwise smart men are so stupid when it comes to crazy, predatory women. Things haven’t changed much since 1996.
Okay, back to Eric.
Eric, if you’re reading this, please try to disentangle yourself from the FOG (fear, guilt, obligation). Your ex violated your trust. Trapping you into fatherhood against your will is a form of abuse called reproductive coercion. You do not owe this woman anything.
Here is my advice based upon the information you provided:
1. As Mellaril, a Shrink4Men Forum mod recommended on your original post, you need to find out if she really is pregnant. She may be lying. Women who are willing to trap a man into fatherhood will have no problem lying about being pregnant. When it becomes obvious that they are not and/or their plan to force you down the aisle doesn’t work, then they will pretend they either miscarried or claim they aborted the baby because you weren’t — I don’t know — excited enough about being violated and trapped into marriage and fatherhood.
2. Once you confirm the pregnancy, have a paternity test done. This may be your kid or it may be some other man’s offspring she harvested to trap and trick you. Don’t think she’d go that low? Wrong. She’s already gone that low by trying to trap you into fatherhood.
3. Decide if you a) are going to marry her, b) not marry her, but exercise your parental rights (that is, if the child is yours) or c) sign away your parental rights and just pay the state requirement for child support. Whatever you ultimately decide, you should speak with an attorney who specializes in this area.
4. Do due diligence about the realities of being married to a chaotic, chronically selfish and immature, abusive woman and the realities of trying to co-parent with the same. Your ex, at the very least, has OCD (I guess the obsessive-compulsiveness doesn’t apply to her birth control practices — e.g., no checking the diaphragm is in 30 times before sex), which is often manageable with medication, and, at the very worst, has Borderline Personality Disorder or BPD traits.
Ask the men on this website who “did the right thing” and married their version of your ex. Ask them what it’s like to co-parent with a person who has these issues. Most of them will tell you marrying this kind of woman is one of the biggest mistakes they ever made. Most will tell you it is practically impossible to co-parent with a person who has these issues — and that’s even while the marriage is intact. Ask them how effective they have been in shielding their children from their mothers’ craziness and abuse. You can buffer some of it, but certainly not all of it.
Then ask the women who frequent Shrink4Men what it’s like to be the wife of a man with a crazy ex who uses the step-kids as a weapon and constantly tries to wreak havoc in their marriage. You do not want to inflict this on the hopefully emotionally healthy, kind and loving woman you choose to marry in the future.
5. Start reading up on setting and enforcing boundaries. If this woman is carrying your child, you will need to become a boundary setter extraordinaire. If she is pregnant, if the child is yours, and if you decide to take an active role, you will also need to research parallel parenting vs. co-parenting, disengagement, detachment and Low Contact vs. No Contact.
6. Brace yourself to be portrayed as the bad guy for not marrying her and not wanting to be coerced into fatherhood. Heck, you will be portrayed as the bad guy even if you do marry her. If your ex really does exhibit the kinds of behaviors and traits described throughout the many Shrink4Men publications, you will be in a no-win situation no matter what you do.
7. Be prepared to lose “friends.” However, any friends who take her side are not your friends. Furthermore, do not keep her secrets anymore. Let your friends know exactly how she treated you and that you strongly suspect she is trying to trap you. Stop protecting her and start protecting yourself. If she is pregnant with your kid, you are going to need to learn how to best protect yourself, so that if the law allows you to do so, maybe you can also protect the child.
8. Be prepared to be chastised by ignorant people in your Church. Unless they have also been in a relationship with someone like your ex, they have no business judging you. Marriage is a man made construct and contract. Marriage as a construct and a contract is less important than the flesh and blood human beings participating in that construct and contract. Your ex has already demonstrated that she has no qualms about operating in bad faith. In my opinion, you would be incredibly foolish to enter into a legally binding contract with her and the State, which is VERY woman-biased.
9. Disabuse yourself of the notion that you can “save” this child from his or her mother. You cannot, especially if she is a high-functioning abuser (i.e., knows how to put on a good show for others). Unless she shoots crack in front of a family court judge while giving him a lap dance, the best you can hope to get is maybe 50/50 custody and that is a BIG maybe. Even if you do, that will not stop her from engaging in parental alienation and playing games with access. By the way, marrying this woman does not guarantee she will not alienate the child from you. Alienation campaigns often begin even while the relationship is still intact.
10. Reach out to everyone who loves you and ask for their support. You will need it.
Have I forgotten anything, Shrink4Men community?
Eric, if you would like to respond to the comments here, please register. I’m sure there are many men and women here who will offer you the wisdom of their experiences.
Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:
Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.
80 Responses to “Oops! A BPD Did It Again! Another Post-Break Up Pregnancy to Trap a Man”
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I think it should be noted that, as of right now, he will have support payments. If he marries this woman and then manages to escape (because, really, if you already can’t stand this woman and you marry her for the sole reason that she trapped you, how likely is this marriage to last anyways?), you’ll be paying child support AND alimony, as well as giving up practically all assets earned through the marriage. Cut your losses now, you’re going to nee that money for legal fees, likely hers as much as yours… presuming she actually is pregnant with your child.
Excellent points, Kratch.
In our current social and legal climate, men are, more often than not, punished/destroyed for “doing the right thing.”
My advice to all men in this situation, don’t do the so-called “right thing;” do the smart thing. Protect yourselves and don’t make yourselves legally vulnerable to this kind of woman.
Tears won’t bankrupt you and land you in jail, but giving into the tears and tantrums and marrying Crazy just might.
Thank you so much for your reply, Dr. Palmatier. I’m Eric, the OP. I’ve registered, so that I can participate in the discussions here.
I do, unfortunately, know for a fact that she’s pregnant. I’ve seen the signed affidavit to the effect from the local nonprofit pregnancy center, as well as the positive test. I also very much suspect that I am, indeed, the father. She could have slept with someone else, but it would have to have been only a few days before she visited me, and I think that’s not likely, given how much she was begging me to take her back, and how one of the most strident reasons she was giving was: “we lost our virginity together, it’ll be so dirty if we sleep with other people! HAVE to marry one another!” I can insist on a paternity test once the baby is born, but given how likely it is that I’m the father, I’ve thought it’d probably be counterproductive, since it’s almost certainly going to upset her to high heaven: (“What, you think I’m some kind of whore?!” “What? You don’t want to be a father?!” etc etc.)
I’ve been thinking about adoption. It’s hands-down, the best solution. In fact, my priest recommended that as well -he also assured me that, under the circumstances, I have no obligation whatsoever to marry the girl. He advised me to do nothing until the baby was born -no big decisions to get married, or leave her. The plan was for her to return to her home state and take advantage of medicaid and her family’s help to get prenatal medical care, including possibly psychiatric assessment/help. Of course, when I told her that my priest didn’t want to marry us ASAP, she flipped out and guilt-tripped me into agreeing that we really ought to marry, and soon. She then got on the phone and called around until she found a priest who said he would marry us. She’s home now (left my apartment yesterday -and it’s like a breath of fresh air -I can finally think a bit more clearly!!) but alas, I think the odds of her seeking psychiatric help are slim to none. Not only does she always think she’s right about everything, but she thinks she’s a medical expert as well -she says mental health professionals are all quacks who would probably hurt rather than help, and that she’ll only consider seeing a naturopath/homeopath who will give her some herbs if she needs them. I have no doubt that those sorts of treatments can be useful for some things, but in her case, she definitely needs more. On a good day, she’ll admit that she has something crosswired or that her brain chemistry’s off, but, as said, refuses to act on it. On a bad day, she praises the way she is, and says it makes her a better/stronger/more capable/more detail oriented person (which anyone else can clearly see is rubbish.)
I will peruse the links in this post tonight and continue to learn all I can, so I know what I’m dealing with. I’m just so thankful that I discovered how truly bad things are *now* rather than continuing to fumble around in the dark and optimistically assume that I was just dealing with pregnancy hormones. (If anything, truthfully, she’s a bit more calm during her pregnancy -but I honestly think that’s just because I’ve been so overwhelmed with it that I’ve been more of a pushover and let her run roughshod over me -which, of course, does make her happy.)
Sounds like you’re about to grow up pretty fast. Insist on the paternity test and talk to an attorney.
Your priest sounds like a pretty decent guy. Listen to his advice about not making any big decisions until the baby is born.
Use the time she’s away to your advantage. Get out in front of her and stay in front of her. Take a look at Dr. T’s Index. Since you know you’ll have to deal with her in the future, the better prepared you are, the more control you’ll retain and it’s going to be about control. If you haven’t already, I suggest you take a look at Dr. T’s blog,
•How to Deal with a Borderline Woman (January 13, 2009)
You need to stay away from this chick. Your decisions when with her seem to be coerced and flawed. You posted “she flipped out and guilt-tripped me into agreeing that we really ought to marry, and soon. She then got on the phone and called around until she found a priest who said he would marry us.”
She GUILT TRIPPED YOU INTO MARRIAGE. You don’t see a huge problem with this? Is that really how you want to start a marriage? Marrying because some harpie wouldn’t let you alone until you agreed AFTER she trapped you into a pregnancy? And she refuses to agree with any of YOUR terms, ie. GET SOME HELP CRAZY? Um no. No, no and no.
Get the DNA test. GET IT. I do not care if you THINK this child is yours because of whatever she’s convinced you of (her chastity, virginity and devotion.) This is the same woman who proceeded to lie to you about birth control and who is now basically holding you hostage until you agree to marry her. GET THE PATERNITY TEST.
Until then, do nothing. Not a thing. Do not buy baby crap, do not join her for birthing classes, do not pretend to be a happily married father. You are nothing until proven otherwise. You dumped this chick for a reason, don’t forget that.
I am happily married to a man who was a sucker in this same fashion. He knocked up a crazy when he was but 21 years old. She stalked him and trapped him into getting her pregnant. (She traveled across the US – Seattle to Boston – to do it!) She coaxed him into giving her a place to stay, into sleeping with her that final life destroying time, and then of course into marrying her. She convinced him not to get a paternity test. He ended up supporting her until he found the cajones to get out and away from her entrapment. After he ended up supporting her dead beat ass for years (of course once she spawned she didn’t ever work.) She destroyed his credit, stole everything he owned and tried to have him arrested for DV in the end.
DON’T. DO. IT. You will live to regret this. How much is now up to you.
Incidentally, the likely-hood of you ever getting custody of this child is pretty low. Whether you marry her or not. So save yourself while you can and do not marry her, go back with her or any of the above. You can’t save a child from its NPD/BPD muuuther. But you can save yourself.
You can’t save a child from its NPD/BPD muuuther. But you can save yourself.
Sadly, very true.
Agree. And, in doing so, eventually, you may be providing the child with a safe haven to escape to , away from the BPD mom.
My kids can come to my place when dealing with their nuts mom is too much.
I was trapped like this, the “accidental” pregnancy. Shari Schreiber has a nice article on this, as well.
I am really happy my kids are here. But, being married to that psycho almost killed me.
I echo minicoopsmom. My husband and his ex wife knew each other in high school. Several years later, my husband and ex’s first husband were both in the Army and ran into each other on a flight from the United States to Germany, where they were both posted. Ex had a toddler son with her first husband.
Not long after that chance meeting, the ex showed up on my husband’s doorstep in Germany. Same pattern. She claimed she was getting divorced.
The ex talked my husband into letting her live with him, paying her bills, and eventually getting married and raising her son with her first husband as his own. She claimed her ex husband was crazy and abusive and my husband was a much better husband and provider. Like a fool, my husband fell for it.
Later, after they were married a couple of months, her birth control “failed” and they had their first daughter. My husband was having trouble covering all the bills, but loved his little girl. A couple of years later, she had his second daughter. Again, they couldn’t really afford her, but my husband loved his second daughter just as much. The ex eventually talked my husband into leaving his career in the Army and my husband ended up having to work low paying jobs in a couple of factories, because the ex didn’t want to live in an area where there were more jobs. Ex also talked my husband into supporting her sister, who also had a daughter. At one point, he was supporting seven people on a salary of about $30K a year.
After almost ten years together, bankruptcy, joblessness, foreclosure, and many dramatic and embarrassing cluster B episodes, they divorced. She has done her very best to punish my husband for divorcing her. She even tried to turn his family of origin against him. My husband’s formerly loving relationships with his kids have completely disintegrated. Yesterday would have been their 22nd anniversary had they stayed together. My husband noted that they fought on their wedding day and a little voice in his head screamed at him not to go through with it.
The ex has since moved on to her third husband, who basically took over daddy duties (except for the financial part) after she divorced my husband. She has had two more kids, bringing her brood up to five. My husband paid $2550 a month for YEARS for three kids– one of whom wasn’t even legally his. In return for his loyal financial support of his family, he has been disowned. His children don’t even acknowledge them as their father anymore and haven’t spoken to him in almost eight years. The former stepson whom my husband had loved as his own quit speaking to him three years ago when we busted him trying to use my husband for money. I’m at the point now at which I really hope none of those kids will ever contact us.
My husband’s story has a happy ending. We will celebrate 10 years of marriage in November and have plans to travel to Scotland to celebrate in style. But it has been a long, painful, heartbreaking, and financially difficult road to get where we are. Please do what you can to protect yourself. minicoopsmom is right. You can’t save a child from an NPD/BPD mother. If you have a shred of humanity and decency, she will do whatever it takes to exploit that humanity and decency. You will end up with a kid who is basically a weapon to be used against you by whatever means possible. And if you ever find a woman you really want to be with who is loving and kind, she too will suffer.
Cut your losses and please do whatever you can to protect yourself and your future.
Standing ovation, minicoopsmom.
DTS/Eric, try to detach from your emotions re: this situation and take a clear, cold, hard look at the FACTS. Your gf does not want you to do that — hence the smoke and mirrors.
Don’t buy into her emotional reasoning and critically examine the facts.
“You need to stay away from this chick…”
This is KEY! It sounds like she knows exactly how to muddle your mind and then, while you’re confused or weakened, manipulate you into almost anything. Can you imagine a “life” with that kind of dynamic dominating your interactions with her?
On the other hand, when you are alone and writing about your situation you seem to have a good grasp of what’s going on and what’s at stake.
For whatever reason your sense of your own personal power evaporates when you’re subject to her emotional bullying. Don’t be a slave to her or any woman’s tears. Let her cry…it doesn’t mean a thing.
And acknowledge to yourself that when you’re around her you lose yourself and the power to protect your own interests. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. We all have our kryptonite. But to protect yourself from it you need to acknowledge its power and keep away from it.
You need to lawyer up. You need someone who is detached enough to protect your interests, especially considering the fact that you’re too FOGged up to protect them yourself. You need someone who can say to the other side, among other things, “you’re not getting a thing until we see a paternity test.”
Also, don’t let shame rule you. We all make mistakes, sometimes real big ones. So what. You don’t have to martyr yourself to make amends.
Hang tough and good luck.
JP
DTS/Eric,
You are welcome. I hate to see a young man throw his life down the toilet. A lot of the men and women here wish they had had someone intervene at their past critical moment. Someone said you are on the edge of a cliff. He’s right. You wouldn’t have reached out if you didn’t want to be talked down off the ledge.
Get the paternity test. Other commenters have already explained why, so I won’t rehash. Just get it.
I agree with your priest re: not marrying her, but I disagree with the don’t break up with her advice. If you don’t want to be with her, end it. Giving her ongoing access to you and your life just gives her more opportunities to keep FOGging you. You need a clear head now, not more of her lies, distortions, guilt and manipulations. Clearly, you’re vulnerable to her machinations, so you must put yourself out of harm’s way.
Do not let her back in your apartment. No more visits. Let her stay in NJ. Homeopathic medicine will not cure what ails her. Many years of intensive psychotherapy may not even help. Gambling on her getting better is not a good bet. You have a better chance of winning the lottery.
Keep reading and keep reaching out for support. Do not be guilted/emotionally blackmailed into doing what you know is not good for you.
As for your ex/gf, let her reap what she has sown. Deliberately getting knocked up “on accident” is a gamble some desperate women take. The man they’re trying to trap may or may not marry them. That’s the risk they take. I just wish the courts would stop rewarding these predators with 18 – 21 year cash payouts.
Eric:
You are trusting an untrustworthy person. If she will have sex with you to conceive a child to keep you; do you really believe she wouldn’t have sex with someone else? This could be a two way trap. She has sex with two men and now she has two options. She is a preditor!! She is using the FOG treatment on you with amazing skill.
I was married to a BPD. I put up with her abuse for almost nine years and finally I got the nerve to get out. At first she didn’t want a divorce, but she also didn’t want to get help either. Long story short, before the divorce was filed, she got online and found another man. He is a recovering alcoholic and someone she can manipulate and control. She is putting the full court press on him as they are talking marriage after less than two months of dating. She has damaged the relationship with her children and her mother over this. Now I have the advantage of seeing how she played me like a fiddle. I married this wonderful woman who I thought was in love with me, but things started happening soon after we got married. We were married about 10 months when she told me one day that the honeymoon was over. I didn’t know what she was talking about, but I soon found out as the mask was off. She told me over time she didn’t think she ever loved me and talked about negative feelings she had about me when we were dating. I kept saying to myself why would she marry me then?? Now after learning about the BPD’s I understand it clearly and I can also see that she is doing it again to someone else.
Assume she is the biggest liar and deceiptful person you have ever heard of and act accordingly or you WILL pay a price for it.
The list of advice from Dr. T is incredible – I think though the point is you MUST follow ALL this advice to stand any chance of getting through this sane. Meaning no more slip ups. For a 24 year-old guy you’re going to have to grow up fast and really focus on becoming a master of controlling all aspects of your behaviour around this woman.
And just in case it didn’t ring clear with what Kratch was saying. DO NOT MARRY HER.
I’m keeping my fingers crossed that the child isn’t yours.
He should also be very cautious about offering her any kind of aid until he decides what to do. If he supports her now then he is setting up a precedent and it doesn’t even have to be his kid for him to be trapped. I don’t know how the state works where he is but I can see that happening easily where I am.
This. Exactly. Its basically an admission of “guilt.” And a status quo that the courts may force you to continue to pay out the nose for the care even if its not your kid.
Yes! Thank you, ‘an admisson of guilt’ is a great way to phrase this!
All the courts would see is that he was caring for her and by extension the child and make him continue.
Yes…the state has two interests here:
1. the best interest of the child, meaning primarily that someone is paying the bills for its care
2. making sure that the state doesn’t get stuck caring for the child, meaning that someone is paying the bills for its care.
The state does NOT care:
1. whether the person paying the bills wants to, deserves to, or even is able to pay the bills
2. whether the person paying the bills is the father, was tricked into being the father, or is/was married to the mother
Lawyer, lawyer, lawyer.
JP
I agree. Eric, get a lawyer. Do it today. The next time your ex tries to contact you, inform her that she is to have no further contact except through your lawyer. Have him draw up a no-contact order so you can enforce that.
And in the interest of completeness, there is one more option that should have been mentioned under #3, and here I offer it without further comment: D) Leave the country and change your name.
Great point, Tamiko.
DTS/Eric, I want to strongly encourage you to consult with an attorney in your area who has experience with high-conflict custody cases. Having a full understanding of your rights, responsibilities and what you’re likely to face is information you need to have in order to make the best decision.
YES! Don’t sign or promise a thing until you’ve got a lawyer!
JP
Edit: Don’t sign, promise, or GIVE a thing until you’ve got a lawyer!
minicoopsmom makes another key point. Anything you do know will be seen as a precedent, and judges LOVE precedent.
The facts at this point in time are these: a woman you slept with claims to be pregnant and alleges you’re the father. The only thing you can know for sure is that you slept with her. The other things are meaningless unless legally verified (your lawyer will know how to do this). Her ‘official’ results of the preg. test mean nothing until your lawyer can validate them.
Don’t give her money, don’t become her chauffeur, don’t give her a home, etc. She’s trying to turn you into her personal slave, and the law makes it appallingly easy. One way she can do it is by getting you to “do the right thing” by asking you for a little help here and there. Do those things for a year, and then when you finally get in front of a judge, he/she’ll say, “well, he’s been helping her out so far…he should continue to do so until forever…”
JP
oops…
“…anything you do NOW will be seen…”
Boy of boy oh boy! And it happens at all ages, all positions in life. Friend of mine – one of the most respected European architects; in his 40s, extremely accomplished, very good-looking etc. Offices in 4 countries. And? Was dating an NPD/BPD aggressive British woman lawyer. He’s one of those shy introverted intellectual types and she came on very strong. He broke up with her after 2 years of her abuse. Early this year – he says – Oops – I’m going to be a dad now. I said – let me guess – you were in a lonely moment during New Year, she wanted a drink, drink led to her initiating break-up sex for old time’s sake, told you she was on the pill, you gave in and OOPS! “HOW did you guess??” he asked eyes wide. Because – It’s textbook behavior with these psychos. Textbook. At least he has decided to not marry her, despite pressure from his Italian Catholic parents – and it’s a nice scandal in his community while she plays ‘victim’. But he’s braced up for it, braced up for his reputation and her smear campaigns, but will NOT take the psycho back. Of course, he’s screwed with costs etc. and the kid will no doubt be so cute, it will get hard.
but – geez – don’t marry, please, and follow Dr. T’s instructions to a T. And always, always, always use condoms with any sex/break-up sex with condoms. Actually don’t have sex with psychos – if a condom even breaks mid-coitus and you’re in Sweden you’ll get charged for rape. Look at what happened even to Julien Assange.
or, if a man still can’t control himself from break-up sex, and it does happen, for goodness’ sake, there’re other apertures for outlets of release that don’t lead to her womb!
Hi CAL!
I’m glad your friend is not falling into the trap — aside from the pregnancy trap, of course.
Much strength to your friend.
I’m assuming you’re against abortion, or it’s too late, but if it were me, I would try to convince her to have an abortion… then adoption if she won’t do that.
If Dr. T is right and this pregnancy happened intentionally, to trap you, then you’re going to have a tough time convincing her to do anything other than keep it.
Tough time convincing her to do anything else?
Isn’t the whole point of this to get her claws into him? I think he can convince her to do either of those options. He just has to be willing to be as underhanded as her. I’ve heard of guys telling women ‘This just isn’t the right time for us to take this step’ or ‘I think we need to work on us first’…or even ‘I need to work on ME first to make sure I’m prepared to be a good provider’. After all, a woman that’ll do something this heinous to trap a man is going to be selfish and not actually want the baby I’m sure…the poor thing would just be a tool.
Excellent point, tallwheel. If the oops was deliberate, she’s not going to give up her hostage/weapon/leverage willingly.
Of course, when her plan to trap you backfires on her (hopefully), then she’s going to be left with a child who she probably resents because her scheme didn’t work. Happens all the time.
Yes! I had a friend that was getting this exact same scenario with an absoulute lunatic woman that he had break up sex with after bumping into her again whilst out one night. He very nearly went the whole hog and married her but saw sense snd guess what…As soon as she saw the plan wasn’t going to work she was gone and so was the baby.
Now that may sound horrible but think about it…What sort of life are going to have with someone that is only doing all this to trap you? let me answer that for you. A HORRIBLE LIFE!
There is no compelling reason for you to get married. The Catholic Church as an institution will not require that you marry. Not getting married IS NOT A SIN IN THE EYES OF THE CHURCH, and anyone who tells you otherwise is lying.
If you choose to assert your parental rights, you will want a lawyer. You aren’t going to be able to negotiate those waters alone.
Don’t sweat what your ex GF or your “friends” say about sin and “doing the right thing”. The right thing is to put the child’s interests ahead of the mother’s. SHE wants to have you trapped with her, and the child is simply the tool she intends to trap you with. The child will get zero benefit from you being stuck with a crazy woman in a horrible marriage.
DONT MARRY HER, GET A LAWYER. Those two bits of advice are all need.
All good advice, joe.
As an adult child of what I describe as an unholy union (just because you get married in a church with the white dress, cake and party, does NOT necessarily mean that God has blessed and sanctified it)….
…my NPD mother admitted that in the early 1960s, she purposely, knowingly trapped my father into marrying her. She has committed continued acts of parental alienation through their 40+ year ‘marriage’ (in legal definition), so that the other kids feel zero respect and two of us four show him open contempt. He’s no angel (who among us is?), but he would NEVER refer to her with vitriolic hateful curse words–things she spews at him (and seems to delight in doing in front of their shared children and grandchildren) daily.
***
Here’s a quick rundown of the outcome of an oops moment in 1962.
Oldest child – married for 20+ years, 3 kids…on the surface, a good Christian church-centered family. Just underneath, emotionally absent from one another, abusive to their eldest (oops baby).
Kid # 2–Excessive relationship avoidance–focuses on the value of things above people. Hates pets. Lives at home. Has never had a romantic relationship (the ‘tea-totaler’). Openly refers to father with spiteful contempt and as her “slave.” NPD
Kid #3–Moved out and stayed out at age 18. Married to a lovely but emotionally scarred woman. Three kids–on the surface, have the healthiest relationship.Underneath, evidence of rage episodes leading to verbally abusive incidents.
Kid #4–The Doozy (me)…a string of messed up relationships (the ‘alcoholic’), including 2 divorces,one child from each. A ‘lost child’ who has seen numerous counselors, is now on anti-depressants (begrudgingly), and is still, at age 42, working through childhood /upbringing issues that occasionally continue to surface.
Take it from me–signing up for a lifetime with a PD is doing your child/ Future children NO FAVORS. You are setting them up for f-d up relationships for their entire lives, and potentially for continuing the PD ‘legacy’ into who knows how many future generations.
Thanks, TGI, I hope it is helpful for DTS/Eric to hear about the experience of a child now adult who was raised in similar circumstances.
Thanks for illustrating this so well. There is ABSOLUTELY ZERO BENEFIT FOR THE CHILD if you marry this woman. In fact, not marrying her could only be better for the kid in comparison.
Again, repeat after me, “Not marrying a woman after an unexpected pregnancy is not a sin in the eyes of the church”
Adultery is a sin, sure. Go to confession and say your “Hail Marys”, do whatever your penance is. The Church will tell you that getting married doesn’t “undo” the adultery. It can’t. That’s not what Marriage is, that’s what Confession and Penance is for. What the Church has to say about marrying a woman for whom you have no real love and no respect is that it will put you in the moral jeopardy of desecrating the Sacrament of Marriage. The Church doesn’t take desecration of the Sacraments lightly, and this is what your ex is proposing that you do.
What Dr. T and Joe said… It appears to me (although there doesn’t seem to be much data) that children born to BPD mothers have generally bad outcomes no matter what the father does. It’s a tragedy of the human condition. The only solution seems to be to totally remove the children from the BPD mother at a young age, but the law will never allow that.
If it’s a lost cause, it’s a lost cause. At some point you have to get off the sinking ship and head for the lifeboats.
GTFO (Get The F–k Out). Out of the relationship with her. Do your best to be involved with the child – but always think of yourself first. Best advice I can give after living exactly what you are going through.
Was “get your own therapist” on the list? If so, do that. If not, get your own therapist. ASAP. You needed one yesterday. You need more than your priest.
You need to learn to take a harder look at yourself. Any gotcha-pregnancy is an emergency situation, your comment about your recent “agreement” to marry her makes it even more of an emergency. We can sound a thousand alarms, but you still have to hear them. And most of us can probably tell you, there is a time when none of us could hear the alarms. *That* is where you appear to be.
Therapy is going to help you wake up sooner rather than later.
Make no mistake — you will wake up at some point. The questions is, will you do it before or after you owe her a livelihood and/or begin setting a very, very, very bad example for your child (again, assuming it’s your child).
Oh, about your comment that you’re inclined to forego a paternity test because it would make her upset . . . again, take a more critical look at your own life. If your girlfriend like any of the partners/spouses of the rest of us here, “upset” is probably her default mood. You asking for a paternity test is not going to make her upset — she’s already upset (probably at herself). What you see on a daily basis is her ability to find excuses to express her upset and anger, and wrongfully blame it all on you.
I’ll wager that, after you think back, asking her for paternity test is not going to make her any more upset than she would be if, for example, you buttered her toast the wrong way.
Just demand the paternity test. You can handle her vitriol. You’ve survived it so far, haven’t you?
In conclusion, get a therapist. Go 5 times a week until *you* see and understand that you are standing on the edge of a cliff. Go now. Seriously.
TI85, these are very good points. Being with some like this is a never-ending no-win situation. Since nothing you do will ever be enough or make her happy, the relationship is a set-up for failure from the get-go.
Therefore, do what is good for you. This woman does NOT have your best interests at heart. If she had the unborn child’s best interest at heart, she wouldn’t have conceived it in the first place. It is never in a child’s best interest to be the product of a forced union. Furthermore, your gf doesn’t have her best interests at heart either.
How pathetic that she is so desperate to be with someone who doesn’t want her/doesn’t love her. She makes herself pathetic by her actions.