Internet Dating Red Flags: Avoiding Another Crazy Woman in the World Wide Spider Web
From the desk of CrazyBuster, Micksbabe:
So you’ve gone through the soul-sucking, painful and expensive process of ridding yourself of your Crazy Ex and now, understandably, you are lonely and would like to test the proverbial waters and find a woman to spend some time with and maybe, just maybe, you can find a woman who loves you as much as you love her, get married and live happily ever after.
It’s possible.
I know people who met their spouses on the Internet. It’s also understandable that, at this point, you might be a little gun shy, given that before the Crazy Ex pulled off her mask, you truly believed she was “THE ONE”.
Lots of good, decent and sane people are looking for love on the Internet. It’s the wave of the future.
Social networking is quicker and easier than in-person networking. You don’t even need to leave your chair (or your car, if you have the right App). You can shop for mates the way you shop for Christmas gifts on Amazon.
What would really be helpful though, is if Internet dating “shoppers” could leave unbiased reviews just like Amazon customers do. For example, “I bought this convection oven six months ago and it’s already broken with no warranty!”
What if previous suitors on dating sites could leave reviews like, “This contestant looks nothing like her profile picture!” Or, “This woman killed my cat in a fit of rage!”
It would be good to get a heads-up of this nature when looking for your next potential mate. Basically, there are only two ways to protect yourself — be a Psychic or learn to recognize Internet dating red flags.
For those not psychically inclined, I’ve noticed a few red flags that might be helpful in learning to weed through the Crazies.
1. “My Baby’s Daddy is a DEADBEAT!!!”
Her ex might be a “deadbeat.” He also may just be her ex and she’s pissed about being divorced. Either way, it doesn’t matter because, right or wrong, this chick is ANGRY and she needs a therapist, not a boyfriend. Certainly not another future “deadbeat.”
2. “My CHILDREN are my WORLD!!!!”
Odds are, if you selected the “Divorced” option on your preferences list, you’re going to meet divorced women who have children (just like you may have children). It’s great that she wants people to know that she loves her kids. In most cases, this goes without saying (and should go without saying). However, if her children are her “world” then she needs to give her children a reprieve and get her own world – one where her children can just be children and not the reason she hasn’t offed herself yet.
Ironically, every woman I’ve ever met who uses this phrase, also uses her children as a prop to either garner sympathy for being a “single muuuther,” or as leverage against their “deadbeat” father to extort money. If you read or hear this phrase spoken, drop your laptop, phone or eating utensil and run. Don’t look back. Unless you can see she’s chasing you, then run faster.
3. “I live with my parents.”
We all occasionally fall on hard times and sometimes our parents are there to help us pick up the pieces. TEMPORARILY. Then there are people who spend their lives looking for someone else to pick up their pieces. There is a very fine line here.
You are well within your rights to inquire as to how long, and if ever she has lived completely on her own. Being able to stand on our own two feet without the support of others is a benchmark of being a grown up. It’s also what all of us need in a partner – someone that can give as well as take.
If you find out that a potential Internet mate has never lived on her own resources, she is a DEPENDENT and will likely always be a dependent. Don’t let her become yours.
4. “Accept me as I am.”
If this woman were a car, she would have a sticker that says, “As is. No warranty.” In Crazy-speak, “Accept me as I am,” means, “You are never allowed to disagree with or criticize me in any way. Ever.” This is unacceptable in a relationship.
In a healthy relationship, both partners should be able to disagree on an issue and not come to blows. Your partner doesn’t have the right to decide how you feel. This candidate does not know how to be in a relationship. Do not “accept” her wink or nod or flirt or icebreaker.
5. “I want a real man.”
By all scientific definitions, a “real” man has an XY chromosome combination and male genitalia. What does she mean by “real” man? I can only guess.
It likely means that she hates her Daddy and you and every man before you and after you will fail to be a “real” man because her expectations are unrealistic and because you are not, after all, her Daddy. Block her from contacting you.
6. “I’m new to this internet dating thingy.”
Unless she’s just recently become single, she’s probably lying. You can check the “member since” on a lot of dating sites.
Why would someone want to lie about how long they’ve been on a dating site? Because they’ve sent countless men running for their lives and they don’t want you to do the same. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!
Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:
Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries.
82 Responses to “Internet Dating Red Flags: Avoiding Another Crazy Woman in the World Wide Spider Web”
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I also recommend avoiding women who identify themselves as goddesses, princesses, etc., and women who describe themselves as a “very special person who enjoys the finer things in life” — especially if she has no visible means of income.
Anyone with a kissy duck face profile photo is also, naturally, to be avoided.
I forgot about the duck face. Since this is primarily a 15 year old girl thing, the duck face should be an immediate indicator of her maturity level (15).
On the topic of things to look for in photos – someone who obviously had professional photos taken for her dating profile. Red flag.
The woman in the cubicle next to me at work openly brags about being a “princess”, and she is the very textbook definition of Histrionic Personality Disorder.
Nonstop babbling about every meaningless detail of her personal life, and not ONCE does she ask someone else how they are doing. Worst of all, she does it in this squeaky, “Tee hee, I’m a widdle cutie” voice.
Find out what TV shows she watches. Reality TV is a huge red flag. Our societal standards are slowly becoming skewed by shows like The Real Housewives of East Buttfuck. Narcissism, entitlement and potty words (I should talk) are becoming accepted as the norm.
Reality TV is porno for the personality disordered.
*spit-take*
Remind me not to drink soda while I’m reading some of these comments.
>>>porno for the personality disordered
I think people view those “reality” shows as a template for their own lives, or perhaps to make them feel better by realizing that their own lives aren’t so screwed up. I fear that it’s more the first one.
Looks like I’ve found my next facebook status! I think narcissistic is the word that describes both the stars and the fans of reality TV.
Reality T.V. is one of the reasons I don’t watch tv at all anymore. That, and the morning news has absolutely no news at all but fashion and gossip. Yay Netflix streaming.
I’ve noticed the last few years how so many people are addicted to reality shows and will dissect each episode ad nauseum. I hate this genre, and can’t wait until its time has passed into the annals of shame. Glorifying the worst character traits human beings have to offer is admired and looked up to. Crazy B*’s look at it as “standing up for their rights” to abuse others and act rudely.
You forgot to include a warning to also avoid the ones with a crazy/high drama generating family. While the object of your affection may be perfect, it’s the ones who are unwilling and/or unable to function independently of familial white noise that will break the deal.
As Bill Maher once said, “The shit doesn’t fall far from the bat.”
Aw man, these comments need a “like” button!
Hence the term, “bat-shit crazy”.
Great advice!
Why limit it to the Internet? Change “this internet dating thingy” to “bar scene” in #6 and I think I heard all of them in bars somewhere along the way.
Hearing #3 was a short term advantage. Most of the women who told you that often weren’t in any hurry to go home.
You tested #6 by asking, “What did the bartender say his name was?”
It was a long time ago but I remember reading somewhere, “Many men look for mates in light they wouldn’t buy a suit in.” There’s got to be a social media equivalent.
Great point, Mell. These red flags can be applied to offline dating. too.
I have actually been out on a few dates in the last year from online meetings – but it was a lot of hard work – There are some real nuts online and my experiences would say avoid a woman:
- who is in her 30′s and indicates her longest previous relationship is less than 2 years.
OR
- has a profile headline that makes a demand of any kind such as ‘must love dogs’
And Internet dating and social media sites have fast become the playgrounds of the personality disordered.
I would make that – in her 30s or 40s and her longest previous relationship is 3 years.
Every relationship my ex had had lasted about 3 years (including ours). One year where she talked about, but essentially hid her problems, one year where all her issues became apparent, and one year for everything to fall apart.
I’ve seen just about all of these. I actually ended up dating the “I live with my parents” woman. She was unemployed, so needless to say I had to pay for everything – and she would pick expensive restaurants too and hand me the bill. On about the 5th or 6th date she asked me to buy her clothes too, which I refused, and it was pretty much downhill from there. She could not wipe the frown off her face every time she recalled that I didn’t pay for her clothes that one time. I felt like I had become a wallet. She was too busy talking about the jerks at her previous workplaces to bring herself to begin hunting for a new job too. If she had not been incredibly attractive I wouldn’t have bothered with her as long as I did.
I’m not so sure the reviews idea is such a good one. I can just see the next time I have one date with a woman from a dating site and decide not to pursue it further, I’ll end up with a review on my profile like, “OMG! He is such a losr! Im sur hes just looking to get laid. LADYS BWARE!”
In theory, the reviews are a good idea, but in the wrong hands, can become a smear campaign.
There are already sites that do this, dontdatehimgirl.com. I think it would be better to put time, energy and money in educating men and women about the kinds of predators discussed here than giving PDIs another tool to hurt people who wisely decided not to buy them clothes or go on a second date.
I was only kidding about the reviews. That would never work because there would be no way to discern between the lies and truth.
Good decision not paying for her clothes.
Hi Tara,
Your weblog is just awesome. After reading your blog, all crazy behaviours of my abusive and psychopath ex-wife started to make sense and how she is a textbook example of BPD and NPD!! First time when I saw your blog, I was in shock how you have explained my ex’s personality and behaviours accurately like you are a very close family friend of us!!
I wish all men could read your posts and see the red flags which were always there when I met her but didn’t make sense to me until we got married and then divorced and finally I found your web blog!
Now I’m recovering from all pain and mental trauma slowly. Yes, as a generic victim of a BPD/NPD wife, I went through all false allegations of domestic violence and rape when I decided to divorce her. You can understand better than anyone else how much pain I have suffered.
I’ll come back here to share my experiences about online dating later. I have started using one of these web sites, assuming it’s time to get out of my lionesses and also having some fun.
Having that horrible experience with a BPD maniac, I truly enjoy the wisdom I have obtained from that and how I can see stuff in women that I was not able to see beforehand. Although, the scars of those wounds are life long lasting, I enjoy being a stronger and better man at the end of story.
Keep your great job up
Welcome to S4M, Eagle One, and thank you for registering. Thank you also for the kind feedback. I’m glad the websites have been helpful.
If you’re lucky, maybe they’re only after money.
From recent news: “Mary Kay Beckman Sues Match.com After Wade Ridley Allegedly Tried To Murder Her”
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/01/24/mary-kay-beckman_n_2544390.html?utm_hp_ref=crime&icid=maing-grid7%7Cmaing10%7Cdl18%7Csec1_lnk3%26pLid%3D261451
I remember “Looking for Mr. Goodbar” (1977) and “Fatal Attraction” (1987. I know “Fatal Attraction” made me wonder a little about who was sitting next to me in the theater.
The risks are still the same, the Internet only makes it easier.
There are probably some PDI’s out there who thought Fatal Attraction was a documentary.
Or a “how-to.”
I have been doing the internet dating thing for about a year and a half now. After meeting up with many women over that time, you start to learn A LOT about what certain things in the profile mean in real life.
Here are my tips, as additions to the good ones above:
1. Photos: If they have kissy duck face, as Dr. T so astutely mentions…avoid! Similarly, if every single one of their photos is ‘instragrammed’ and photo-filtered beyond belief….avoid. They are afraid to show their true face. Same if they are wearing sunglasses in every photo. (also, women with only filtered and doctored photos…NEVER look like that in person…and you will inevitably end up disappointed).
2. What they say: There are some women who do the ‘im new to this internet thingy’…and thats fine, if its true. However, some of these women, a lot in fact, will write VERY LITTLE about themselves. Almost as if they think they are so attractive they don’t need to write anything. Avoid, even if they are attractive. They think they are ‘too good for’ internet dating…ie, better than everyone else on there…its offensive and insulting to those who put in an effort and put themselves out there and make themselves vulnerable on there. These women are actually very insecure if they can’t even fill out a profile. That, or they are really not serious about dating or relationships and just want attention (this happens a lot…women who just want messages and don’t want to actually ever meet up…)
3. On the site I use, there is a question and answer section. One question is what is your demeanor on a daily basis. One answer is ‘cheerful’, another is ‘Meh’, and the last is ‘Depressed’ or something. After going out with many women who answer ‘Meh’….thinking they were maybe just being ‘realistic’…they are actually, in person, very depressed and oftentimes addicts too (in my personal experience). I try to stick to the ‘cheerful’ ones now.
Hope this helps you all!
Hey man! You really hit the nail on the head with this one: I in october found myself emotionally connected with a girl one a dating site who, as you point out in your second tip, tell very little, or in this case nothing even, about herself. We mailed each other and talked over the phone and it feelt as if I was actually going to find someone I was attracted to physically, mentally and emotionally. I mistook her sheer arrogance and feeling of utter superiority for “being selective” (i guess we sometimes see what we wanna/need to see) as she explained she wasn’t the type of girl who dated a lot of “nutters” without specifying what that meant to her (probably just that she thought she was better then most men/guys in every department)I just don’t understand why she was going out so serious with someone over 200 kilometers away, being good-looking, seemingly friendly and captivating, had she burned all her bridges “at home”, or maybe she only felt comfortable with someone she thought she’d never thought she’d ever meet, as thistooshallpass points out, just sought confirmation and attention from a “worthy” source. I will never really know, will I…
With my personal predisposition, I am very inclined to let myself get caught up in the emotion and it is as if am unaware of all warning-signs; this girl even told me she did not wan’t to “scare me away yet”…but it was implicitly going to happen. She was going to call me back at a party at which she just “happened” to meet someone else she told me three days, alot of nerve wracking uncertainty and four unanswered textmessages later. “Bad timing” was the excuse she had, as if swapping me for someone was just a matter of timing, not personal choice or decision…terribly provoking and irresponsible. So much for that “serious relationship” – which leads me in to that little annoyance: never take anything for granted if you get involved with someone just out of their relationship-type preference. Oftentimes; they wan’t it all, meaning they want to remain in the purgatory in-between friendship, serious relationship and short romance (these girls are usually easier to see through since ur inclined not to allow yourself develop “serious feelings of affection for a girl like this) just makes sure YOU know what u wan’t (and what u are prepared for) before entering anything with anyone. Also, if you decide to get involved, make sure you get a picture of how many she/he is currently “in touch” with on the site in particular. If she finds this question intrusive, insulting or even controlling make sure to leave it “in the bud”, you have all the right to know if you are a honest straighshooter yourself. Remember the song about owner of a lonely heart so much better then the owner of a broken heart? Pretty damn true i’d say.
Good post.
Another phrase that scares me is “Looking for a man to keep me on my toes.”. I have no idea what it even means but my gut screams red flag.
Also, don’t date women that collect alimony. Period. I mean in this day and age, alimony, really? If she’s a known alimony collector you can be sure she sees you as a future source of support should things go belly up.
JP
“Also, don’t date women that collect alimony. Period. I mean in this day and age, alimony, really? If she’s a known alimony collector you can be sure she sees you as a future source of support should things go belly up.”
And, if they collect alimony and talk trash about their ex, don’t just run away, run like your butt is on fire. That is hostile dependence writ large.
http://www.shrink4men.com/2011/06/07/hostile-dependency-is-your-wife-girlfriend-or-ex-a-child-masquerading-in-the-body-of-a-woman/
Yup.
My ex found her next victim just as my alimony payments ran out. She tried to get him to pay her alimony as well when he split, but they were only together about a year, and my state will not grant alimony for such a short relationship (though I’m sure there are exception).
He did end up paying though, through fighting false domestic violence allegations when he finally left. I knew enough about BPD (only recently realized how much NPD fits as well) to realize that she might try something like that with me, so I was able to dodge that bullet.
BTW – I found your site through the family of K.G. – the poem you published. Same NPD/BPD, whatever. The only saving grace is that many of the people she’s abused over the years managed to find each other to offer some support.
yep. My ex told me while we were dating, “I need to be kept on a short leash.”
How in the world did I miss the importance of that statement?
I missed a ton of signs, I wouldn’t feel bad. It only cost me money and time (10 years), fortunately. It sounds like other people have had worse. Here’s a good one – “The reason I don’t trust you and accuse you of cheating on me constantly is because I once asked you if you would die for me, and you hesitated before answering.” Wow, how could I not have ran away from that?
I think the problem is that unless you’ve been around crazy people before, most of us can’t recognize the crazy. Sure, some things seem off, but we’re trained to assume that most people’s intentions are good (which is likely true in most cases), that most people are basically good, and to overlook flaws. Which is fine, unless the flaw is that they are a crazy Narcissist who is going to do their best to destroy you.
Also, mine always knew when to turn on the charm when there had been enough recent signs for me to start seriously questioning. They are really good at it.
All of that said, I was only abused because I allowed it to happen. This is really important for anyone who comes to this site for help, because you can’t begin to get better until you accept that.
Personally, I have moved on to a normal relationship, with a normal, loving woman. I’d forgotten what it felt like to have someone do nice things for me without expecting something in return, and to not have to constantly meet some moving bar to “prove” my undying devotion. Unfortunately, I had a child with my NPD/BPD, so she’ll be a part of my life for quite a while (mostly unfortunate for our kid). But it’s a lot easier to deal with when you can just not answer emails or phone calls that are obvious traps, because you don’t have to go home to face the wrath.
I missed a lot of signs too! The first was being as though it was a long distance “relationship” her telling me I love you after 6 months of talking was the first sign. That was the first sign of her being a professional manipulator which I cannot believe that I fell for. When I finally woke up I want to kick myself in the ass everyday, but that will only slow up the process of purging her out of my system.