My Funny Valentine: Getting Over a Crazy Ex with the CB Patch
On the Shrink4Men Forum, we refer to abusive wives, girlfriends and exes as CBs. CB can stand for CrazyBritches, CrazyB-tch or Cluster B (as in Cluster B personality disorders — Borderline, Narcissistic, Histrionic and Antisocial).
Valentine’s Day can be a downer if you’re alone or, even worse, if you’re still with your CB. As many of you know, Crazy often implodes on and around holidays and other special occasions.
For those of you who are still with your CB, stay safe and remember, no matter what you do, you can’t win. Therefore, I suggest a modest bouquet of flowers and a card if you must pay tribute to “pharaoh.”
For those of you who are waxing nostalgic and missing your Crazy Ex this Valentine’s Day, Shrink4Men is proud to bring you the CB Patch.
What is the CB Patch?
It is the brainchild of CrazyBuster, Micksbabe. In a nutshell:
I wish they would invent some sort of patch to wean yourself off of a CB. Like, when you are sitting at home, lamenting about how much you miss the “good times,” the patch would jump off your arm, kick you in the crotch and call you a loser.
Happy V-Day, everyone.
Shrink4Men Coaching and Consulting Services:
Dr Tara J. Palmatier provides confidential, fee-for-service, consultation/coaching services to help both men and women work through their relationship issues via telephone and/or Skype chat. Her practice combines practical advice, support, reality testing and goal-oriented outcomes. Please visit the Shrink4Men Services page for professional inquiries
50 Responses to “My Funny Valentine: Getting Over a Crazy Ex with the CB Patch”
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I copied a pic of a huge heart shaped rose arrangement and posted it to FB. This is the pic of the imaginary flowers;from the imaginary love of my life. Maybe Mante Teo’ had this all figured out? Sure beats being with CB
Love it! I laughed out loud.
I have personally spent this V-day relishing the fact that I don’t have to pay tribute to Pharaoh, or listen to Pharaoh complain, or really deal with her in any way. And it’s not like I would have scored tonight if I was still with her so, in all, I’d say I’ve come out ahead.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to see about some chocolate.
Strength to everyone still in.
I nearly choked on my coffee the first time I read it, Mr E.
Onwards and upwards. So let it be written, so let it be done!
I have been so thankful that this website exists it helped me realize i was with a CB and leave my CB and for that i will be forever grateful. I’ve always seen shrink4men as an inclusive space that can be of a benefit to men and women, including gay men and women, who also have to deal with CB’s. So to see the term ‘gay’ used in a derogatory way was disappointing to me.
That being said, please, Dr. T and contributors to this webpage including CrazyBuster, Micksbabe, keep up the great work. You are helping people.
Hi Chris,
I am sorry the post caused you offense. MB did not use the word gay in a derogatory fashion.
Many abusive women call their husbands/boyfriends/exes gay when, after being abused, they are no longer interested in having sex with them. Alternatively, they are accused of being gay simply because they want to spend time with their male friends, their male relatives or because they have a business meeting with a male colleague/client.
These women also call these men pu$$ies, wimps, losers, etc. Perhaps I should change “gay” to loser?
I do agree with Dr. T above … I, for one, can attest to everything she said … I heard ALL those accusations from my CB (this “patch” post really struck a chord with me)! I don’t think it was meant to be derogatory, but I know my CB did!!! … but still sorry Chris!
My husband’s ex used to accuse him of being gay all the time. I know for a fact he’s not gay.
He just doesn’t like to have sex with someone who is crazy, abusive, and insulting.
Wow, being screamed at, lied to, and having your reputation smeared isn’t arousing! Who knew?
Have about 3 hours of nasty voicemails from ex-gf recorded. Was listening to some of it last night, and in one part the ex-gf/CB, between druken expletives, rhetorically asks if I’m gay in L.A.
I guess we can use reverse deductive reasoning here: CBs know that calling us heterosexual men ‘gay’ is done in a derogatory manner, with the purpose of emasculating us and hurting us. Essentially, they believe doing this will hurt us b/c they know we are actually heterosexual, as calling a gay man (or woman) ‘gay’ wouldn’t be hurtful, I suppose(?).
So, in a twisted roundabout way, the CBs are acknowledging our heterosexuality. You just have to know their game/strategy. Hows that for a positive spin?
Sorry to offend, chrispunch. This comment was originally spurred from a thread where several men’s “CB’s” had referred to them as “gay” for not responding favorably to a hoover. Taken out of context, I can see how it could seem derrogatory.
That is freaking hilarious! My husband needed that patch right after his ex-wife’s affair left her and she decided she wanted to be friends with (read “owner of”) my husband again. When we were first dating, it was so odd when he told me what she did in their marriage and would end each sentence with the obligatory, “But we’re friends,” or “…but she’s nice.”
It takes a while to get all of the FOG out of your brain. When you’re in that kind of situation, and the message you’re getting from society is “man up and deal with it”, it’s easy to get the impresion that all women are that way. No, they aren’t, and there’s no reason to think that a good woman would stick up for an abusive woman, any more than a good man would stick up for an abusive man.
I’m sorry I think my political correctness alarm went off a little prematurely. But thanks Dr. T for still changing it. I found so little online support for men until i came across shrink4men and I just have this feeling that other groups such as gay, lesbians, queers, may also have a hard time finding support through mainstream domestic violence websites and find your website helpful, but then be turned off because their political correctness alarms don’t let them delve deeper. I am saying all this because you and this community helped me heal and I really believe you can help so many more people.
Liberated, I’m sorry you had to hear all those things from your CB. I heard some of them too. Mine mostly liked to tell me to “man up’ and ‘grow some balls’. so i did. i left her!
Thanks for the support chrispunch. As a lesbian reader, I would have found it offensive too potentially. (I read it after it was changed.) Though, having been a longtime follower of this site (helped me leave my severely BPD ex-wife a few years ago), I understand that the ridiculous aspect of these CB women is calling you something you are not, simply b/c you don’t act how they want you to. Thats why I can understand the ‘gay’ comment for a straight man, definitely in context of the not responding to her hoovering.
Anytime mine used to think I wasn’t attracted to her (which was like every other day), she would try to convince me i didn’t like women, or I secretly liked men, or I was transgendered, or godknowswhatelse that was totally out of nowhere and totally ridiculous.
Regardless, this site has helped me immensely and I’m sure there are others like me out there. Not to speak ill of ‘my people’…but there are A LOT of CB lesbians out there in the dating pool, unfortunately….so the normal ones, such as myself, are often flabbergasted when the proverbial sh*t hits the fan. This site was my godsend for getting out and also preventing me from pairing up with a similar type in the future.
Bless you, thistoowillpass… One of Dr. T’s main points on this site is that neither sex is immune from having CB’s among them. No one should ever be made to feel like they are being disloyal to their team, so to speak, for calling out the rotten apples. Question: were you taught as a child (like a lot of the guys here were) that “no woman ever does that”? If so, I can imagine that it must have been especially confusing the first time you encountered it.
I think I was definitely taught that ‘no woman ever does that’. Being a woman myself, I just assumed that everyone had the same upbringing/sensibilities that I did, so I often gave women the benefit of the doubt when they did not deserve it. I am much more discerning now, and I truly understand that everyone is very different, and that people do not necessarily have the ability to reason logically as I am lucky to. I did very much underestimate just how cruel/evil someone could be to someone they ‘love’. But, lesson learned! Guard officially up now.
I wasn’t. I saw for myself that bad apples are common among both sexes.
I’m not missing my CB one bit, but I am pretty damned lonely. After being on the receiving end of a long string of verbal, emotional, and financial abuse, it’s hard to envision being in another relationship, though. I guess I’m not confident enough in my ability to screen out crazy just yet.
The last valentines day (2011)I was with my crazy ex-wife I got screamed at for buying her a dozen roses. “You know I don’t care about flowers!!! You just bought these to piss me off”!!! Most people have no idea what its like.
Now I actually feel “relieved” when February 14th rolls around and I DON’T have a Valentine. I’d take lonely any day over the hell I had to live day in and day out.
I had a strange run in with an Internet acquaintance the other day. I was on Facebook and had posted a funny meme by Will Ferrell that read something to the effect of, “If you’re sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, just remember no one loves you on the other days, either.” I thought it was funny and so did a lot of my friends. Hell, I spent about 29 years without a Valentine, so I know how that day can suck if you’re alone. But it wasn’t personally directed at anyone and wasn’t meant to be mean. In fact, it actually reflects reality.
Anyway, this Internet acquaintance took me to task for being “mean” to all the lonely people in the world. At first I took her at her word– that she was offended. I offered an apology and then said that I can’t know the relationship statuses of all my Facebook friends. I would think to a normal person, that would be enough. But this chick came back and continued to try to shame me over a stupid Internet meme that wasn’t personally directed toward anyone. It seemed like she was trying to make me responsible for the feelings of all the lonely people on Valentine’s Day. It was completely ridiculous. I told her I didn’t take kindly to people telling me what I should or shouldn’t post on Facebook and advised her that if she didn’t like the post, she could hide it, ignore it, or unfriend me.
That was the end of it, until yesterday, when I noticed that she got people all upset on a non-Facebook related messageboard we both frequent. She basically trolled the forum, then gleefully came to a private group on Facebook and bragged about it, posting a link to the inflammatory post that, sure enough, got heated. When her post caught on fire and got people all confused and angry, it eventually got shut down. It spawned a few spinoffs, mostly consisting of confused people apologizing and trying to explain what they really meant… I noticed she wasn’t involved in any of the follow up posts of people trying to figure out WTF.
The provocateur then continued her crazy vitriol in our private Facebook group, which involved some people from the messageboard and a few who were not involved. One of my friends very reasonably tried to discuss the issue with her, but our provocateur acquaintance eventually got rude and dismissive– and acted offended– when my friend didn’t easily accept her point of view. She finally got huffy and took her ball and went home. She left the group and unfriended me (and I wasn’t even involved in yesterday’s drama) and the woman who had debated with her… and probably anyone else who didn’t cave to her ridiculous dramatics. I also noticed a couple of folks begging her not to leave the group. Of course, I was thinking “don’t let the door hit you on the way out, CB…” I’m guessing most people who were involved in that mess have no idea what hit them.
I noticed on her page, she had put up a photo of a woman’s hand flipping off Valentine’s candy. She had made some bitter comments about being alone, joking about how she used to make her ex boyfriend buy tampons for her even when she didn’t need them, then saying maybe that’s why she’s single. She bragged about her “antics”, some of which apparently got her arrested and/or tear gassed. And she started a butt hurt pity party on her page over the whole drama and managed to get some attention from another “friend” who wasn’t directly involved.
I surmised that she was acting out because we just had Valentine’s Day and she’s all alone. I also noticed that she seemed to be hitting on a divorced member of the group who seems nice, witty, and is reasonably good looking. The provocateur is herself kind of cute and charming. I thought she was a pretty nice person until my odd run in with her. She didn’t like it when I didn’t feel sorry for her and kiss her butt, though, so we’re not “friends” anymore.
Gotta say, Dr. T, this site and watching my husband’s crazy ex has really given me the ability to spot crazy, both online and in person. So thanks for that…
When you’re a narcissistic person, you think that everything anyone says is to/about/for THEM. They also have no ability to laugh at themselves. Must suck to be them.
Hi everyone, having read this site for over a year now, and taking comfort at the volume of people in a similar boat, I thought that it was time I added something of a pseudo-humourous nature to the mix. Given that the recent post (as usual great content) refers loosely to ‘V-Day’, has anyone seen the similarity between the title and the Wiki plot description of ‘V’ the TV series?
Anna, the beautiful and charismatic leader of the extraterrestrial “Visitors”, declares that they come in peace. The Visitors claim to only need a small amount of Earth’s resources, in exchange for which they will share their advanced technological and medical knowledge. As a small number of humans begin to doubt the sincerity of the seemingly benevolent Visitors, FBI counter-terrorism agent Erica Evans discovers that the aliens are actually reptilian humanoids wearing pseudo-human skin, have spent decades infiltrating human governments, businesses, and religious institutions, and are now in the final stages of their plan to take over the Earth.
Anyone spotted any parallels?!
Good luck to everyone on this site – good work Dr T
Nice analogy Grow. Given our family court system, female aliens probably took those over about 4 decades ago. Wonder if they’re any good in bed?
Marriage #2 isn’t working out so well for me. She walked off another job because her boss pissed her off. Sorry but thats not an excuse and sits around the house all day and expects me to be the sole source of her fullfillment. And holy crap does this woman lie. I am a bottle filled with anger and resentment, and the therapist sides with her citing that “I should be more understanding and not so rigid.” My “rigid” ways kept me financially secure and a job for almost 11 years. Her way ended up with the repo man knocking on my door and being court ordered to pay her credit card bills. Not real sure if she’s a borderline or just a narcissist. She spends her life on facebook being the star of the show with constant picture and status updates.
My gut won’t let up with the withdrawl from the marriage, and in turn she sulks, pouts, and is extremely passive aggressive.
Great work on this article
thank you.
Jason – try not to feel bad about yourself. I married one CB and have been involved with a few others. Its a nightmare and its not your fault. I still struggle with blaming myself for not trying harder, earning more money, etc. Narcissist, BPD, sociopath…whatever it is, probably something you want to get away from. I’d at least plan an exit strategy, will give you some relief knowing you have a plan in place if push comes to shove.
I realize this post is two months old, but I just started posting here, and I wanted to reiterate what cuatezon said. Do not feel bad about yourself, but please do take responsibility for yourself. I was with an extremely abusive woman for ten years. I don’t know whether she’s NPD/BPD/Histrionic, or all of the above. At the end of the day the diagnosis doesn’t matter, because what I do know is that I was miserable and exhausted from all of the drama and abuse.
If you haven’t left yet – please follow his advice to plan an exit strategy. She may well start a smear campaign against you, so be ready for that. She may well accuse you of Domestic Violence, so be ready for that. Smartest thing I did was leave quietly when mine wasn’t home. Make sure you have a support system in place so you don’t feel as alone. I would also recommend *not* dating again right away. I didn’t follow my own advice there, and almost ended up with someone just as bad – though I had learned to trust my gut, so I managed to escape it.
I’m amazed at how similar these stories are to mine – it’s like someone cloned my ex. Bill payers knocking on the door when we’d first met, expecting me to wait on her hand and foot, acting extra crazy during holidays, overuse of FB and other sites to attract the attention of other men, using therapy buzzwords to “diagnose” me – yikes!
PS – mine was marriage number 2 as well. Whenever I got close to leaving, she’d often scream something like “good luck finding someone else who will have you after 2 failed marriages”. Does your NPD/BPD say that to you? It turns out I did find someone wonderful. But even if I hadn’t, being alone would have been better than the situation I was in.
cuatezon – I still struggle as well. For me it’s more self-guilt from realizing what a weak loser I was for putting up with an obviously abusive relationship for as long as I did. I comfort myself by reminding myself that I am no longer that loser, since I eventually left. It also felt pretty good to say “no” to some of the women who wanted to date me afterwards – helped me trust myself when I decided to say “yes”.
I am just baffled at how It seems that I am not alone, I’m just starting my journey of *leaving* I’m two months in and finally filed for divorce. I became the ultra submisive and starting falling into every trap laid. Still sometimes do but I’m at two weeks of zero contact and she’s actually making it easier because she isn’t contacting me. As of right now she feels in complete control still because I left empty handed with my clothes on my back and found a small paying low hours job. I did absolutly everything she ever wanted me to do, But FB played a huge role when she grabbed the attention of multiple guys and started using me as *just* the stay at home baby sitter. I love my kids and always wanted to be a huge role for them but I never knew how controlled I was. I really had no clue until I left. I finally had my WTF moment when I realized that everything I did didn’t matter and she stopped wearing her wedding ring while *going to work*/going to see a freind/Multiple other excuses. I fell into the trap of being provoked and hitting back. And I started to believe I was an abuser. I finally realized that this isn’t the life my children needed and I left one night after she came home from *hanging with friends* It was a little heated but I started wising up and called for my brother to be there before she got home. I fell so deep and hard that I have questioned everything about myself and I’m still struggling to find myself and muddle through the exit. Before I found this site I thought noone would believe me. Noone would understand. I finally feel *normal* again, Or atleast, sain. I can’t beleive how deep I was. I basically fill my empty time reading here now and preparing for my next move. All I can say is thanks to Shrink4men, And thanks to every single person strong enough to post here. It’s great to know I’m not alone. And after reading *neveragain’s* post I finally feel like I may find someone to be with one day that isn’t a CB. Thanks again to everyone.
Tripium
Wow!!!!! You are certainly keeping your side of the street clean. Good for you!
For 21 years I carried a woman who is highly educated, but unwilling to work…….same stories abound on this site.
My wife is without question a CB.
Long end short. She ended up cheating on me with a fellow who once trimmed trees in my yard. It was a very hot and heavy relationship and for all the efforts i put in carrying her all those years, she was SO MEAN to me. She actually taunted me, laughed at me, smiled when his name was mentioned…it was demonic.
Well, June 10th it is officially over. However, she broke it off with her tree hugger about two months ago.
Seems her damsel in distress act attracted a complete control freak. Hence when I exit the scene, she had nobody to focus her CB behavior on, and took a good look at the snook riding on my former white horse.
Low and behold a family member called me several weeks ago to tell me my wife had taken down her FB wall showing her as “dating in a relationship” back to married and put up the family photos…..(I had blocked her months ago as part of my no contact rule. Now she is calling and texting me as nice as nice can be…..We even invited me to dinner one night, at her request to “be open with one another.” It was a very plesant three hour meal and she disclosed how controlling and crazy this guy really was…..I said very little.
GET READY………
Last weekend she called me to yip yap about a few things concerning our boys when the conversation turned personal. Just being curious, I asked her if she was upset after the breakup with her boyfreind. She didn’t hesitate to tell me (laughing at him in a very familiar way……) that she hadn’t given it a second thought, but wished she could have hung in there a little longer because he would have taken down a huge oak tree in our front yard for free…..Everyone, for the first time I had true empathy for myself. Felt sick to my stomach to hear the words, but greatful I heard it with my own ears. Even at this very moment I am trying to rationalize what she meant, but the reality is although she does have many good qualaties, she is a crippled sociopath deserving of some empathy as well. She has started to go back to therapy, but like before, she will stop after the divorce since she can’t afford the $170/ session fee. Too bad.
I have been on this site for about three years and have evolved from a very unhappy trapped man, into someone a little more hopeful in my future. I am still depressed and worried I will never find a real partner. Worried that I will make the same mistakes. Worried that my health problems will only give me the next 15 years to enjoy…..But the good day ratio is improving slowly.
It sounds like a throwaway line, but it does get better as time and distance grow. (That said I’ll probably have a meltdown this afternoon, but I’m even dealing with those feelings somewhat better.
Good luck brother