23 Responses to “Ending a Relationship with an Abusive Parent, Child or Sibling, Part One”

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  1. Stevie

    Excellent article! Since I’ve started my research on NPD to find some help for people who are dear to me in their quest to get rid of the harm done to them through years of living under the thumb of a CB, this website came up as one of the best where hands-on advice is concerned especially. I’m sending the links all over the place!
    Thank you, I’ve just decided after reading this piece, that it is time to get to that No Contact stage with my brother, who has been an abuser and user all of his life, and has recently once again tried to humiliate me, bullying me when all I wanted to do was help him save face. I also found out that he went crazy with his ex and is now once again reeling in a very nice and kind woman, to feed off of.
    I know this site is not about men as the abuser, and I’m on this site for my man who went through so many years of abuse, but you have helped me to open my eyes to my own emotional turmoil through my sibling’s tantrums and spite.
    Today I thank you for that!

  2. Excellent thank you!

    8 weeks ago I found this website. 33 days ago I sent my latest CB home. Since I live in Europe and she’s from the States, it was easier to make a clean break than other examples. Thankfully, we were not married but lived in a combined family. I “stuck and stayed” through so much I’m still coming to terms with it all. It has been doubly terrible and wonderful to read my story here. I remember so many events I have forgotten… It’s a bit like waking from a coma to discover that your dreams weren’t just dreams.

    But I digress more to the topic!

    I know I have a long history of attracting CB’s. In fact, my brother is a severe Narcissist/C M?. I have had little to no contact with him for years now. I remember clearly have a “vision” once that helped me quite a bit. We were playing “Tug of War” but were equally matched. For years we were pulling against each other. Then I had a vision… let go of the rope. I just dropped the rope. I let him “win”… and in doing so, I got my freedom. So now, when I do have to interact with him, I pay attention to the sensation. Is he tugging? If so, let go of the rope. Don’t engage, don’t interact. Be a duck and let the stink roll off my back.

    As for my mom and dad, I feel like I have a good relationship there. More to be explored there I’m sure, but now my parents and I have a very positive and healthy relationship. How it was when I was a small child, I cannot say… I have little memory of that time but I do know my father was an active alcoholic then (now he’s in recovery) and my mother was very busy with him, my brother, and me. How does one “get to the bottom” of the reasons why we attract CB’s? What sort of counseling can help me and where to I get that (in the Netherlands no less).

    In all honesty, I’m worried that I will never have a healthy relationship since my previous experiences have been so damaging. Sometimes I feel like I have borderline myself since I see myself copying the craziness that has existed all around me. It’s kind of like I’ve learned bad habits from these folks that I use myself at times. Of course, this was before I understood what I was doing. Is there still hope for me? Is this normal (after a month?) Help Dr T!

    • TheGirlInside

      Ditto

    • There is life after crazy

      “Let go of the rope”. That’s great advice! My ex says some pretty outrageous stuff to me (we have a kid, so we have to have some contact), and it’s always tempting to point out how crazy she sounds. But no matter how wrong her accusations are, or how crazy she sounds, unless it’s something that really matters (would harm our son) the best action always is – no action. It means not even defending myself against direct accusations at times.

      I had figured this out over the past 6 years since the divorce, but there were some recent events (regarding our son) that forced me to be engaged more than usual, and I started to get caught up in her crap again – until I remembered to let go of the rope. Because I started spending time answering her emails, responding to jabs, and worrying about whether she was badmouthing me behind my back, I was starting to have problems sleeping, was always irritable, and unable to focus at work. All that went away when I just started ignoring the crazy again.

      • cuatezon

        Nice comment Life After Crazy. You’re right on. I’ve had/am having the EXACT same experiences. Have to remember to let go & detach. Seeing a counselor helped me keep my rationale & logic and not get pulled down into the emotional diarrhea my ex would always try to engage in. Its empowering to do nothing sometimes.

  3. Tom

    Great Article.

  4. GeorgeBest

    Nothing worse then a stay at home mom who smothers the kids with attention and then does activities centered around other moms and kids when you aren’t at work. Once you get tired of being ignored and mentally abused while spends your money like its monopoly, she then keeps you from being able to see the kids a reasonable amount of time and thousands of dollars have to get spent truing to get a court order to see your kids regularly. She wants to be a stay at home mom and write porn using our kids names as characters while I work my ass off. The court system is so biased against men and we need to learn to stop chasing sociopath type women just because they are beautiful on the outside.

    Glad there is this site to see that there are other men dealing with these crazy BPD women.

  5. “Whatever the underlying causes, it sets up the alienated parent, who is often the father, to become the emotional punching bag/disposable ATM for his ex and his children. There’s a bitter irony that a man, who makes the brave decision to end an abusive relationship with a cruel and sadistic and possibly crazy woman, then has his own children groomed to abuse him by proxy. It’s sick. It’s wrong. And it should be criminal and grounds for a permanent change of custody.”

    Unfortunately, the only way this will change is if the legislation and procedures in the legal system change. The worst thing about it is just the time it takes for the bureaucracy to process you.

  6. TheGirlInside

    My 2 cents: CBs and others figure out early on “the basics” for getting what they want from others.
    i.e. CB finds her target- she offers easy, no-strings sex and food. Men, when a hot/sexy/gorgeous woman who seems way out of your league offers you easy sex, this is NOT a good thing; it is a trap and red flag.
    *~*~*
    i.e. #2:CA finds his target- he buys her things and tells her she’s beautiful, builds up her confidence, wants to ‘kiss away’ all her tears. Ladies, when a man who you barely know says you are everything he’s ever wanted in a woman, DON’T fall for it!! It is a trap, and you are the prey.
    *~*~*~*

  7. Sanityback

    Great article!

  8. queenbee

    I am living the nightmare of the new wife of an emotionally abused husband whose ex-wife is Cluster B. I am also having to deal with the chorus of people who think it is terrible to suggest the children cut off ties with their mother as soon as they are old enough to understand what is going on. I have a stepdaughter who is 13 years old, and very intelligent and talented. Her mother engaged in a campaign of lies about my husband and me, saying we were “strung out on the marijuana” (is this 1950? is this a valid concern?) and that she herself had stopped using any drug as of the day she had her first child. This is someone who is abusing every prescription pill she can get her hands on, has embezzled from her job, and now is unable to work more than 2.5 hours a week because she is injured. She has carpal tunnel. She dragged the divorce out as long as possible, crippled us financially by causing a foreclosure on the house she demanded in the divorce, and forced my husband into bankruptcy. I helped him. I drained my retirement fund to support us while he spent money to divorce her. Her terms were in the divorce. She got more than she should have yet would not sign. She knew I needed insurance, because I have actual health issues that include kidney problems and more, and so she kept saying she would sign and then never did.
    Now what do I have? The chorus of probably well meaning people saying I don’t know what this is like because I don’t have any of my own children. I’ve never been a mother so I wouldn’t understand what it is all about. The kids love their mom and they can’t possibly be expected to stop seeing her, even if the 13yr old has expressed the desire to never see her mom again. The “real mom” has collected dead stinkbugs and put them into a pill bottle to shake at her daughter because she knows the girl is afraid of them, and she does it when the kid crosses lines that keep shifting. Her mom has never told her she is proud of her, she always sabotages her schooling and had her son in diapers when he was 7 years old. I am the one that got him out of diapers. I am the one who was strong enough to say that we have to stop giving this maniac the wheel. No one gets it. They figure it’s a teenager and a mom having a spat. I don’t think so. I think this is one of the last times we have to save this girl, and hopefully her younger brother, too.
    I do not have any children of my own, this is true. It’s been by choice because I didn’t have the right situation. That doesn’t make me an idiot. I have compassion for humans, and I treat my cat better than she treats her children. Why the, “oh it’s her mom, she has to be respected” crap gets to me, I’ll never know. But it’s there. Even my mother in law, who is not a friend of the ex wife, will defend her based on the sole fact that the ex wife has given birth to children while I have not. I’m at the end of my rope.
    I tell you what, there are days that I wonder why I didn’t run from our first date when he said he had 2 children and a wife that was almost divorced from him. I love my husband with all my heart. I love his children. I hate that his ex has put me in this position where I feel that I made a major mistake taking this all on. I can’t say I’d want to undo the decision, but then again…..
    I’d tell anyone who was thinking of it to make sure they know the whole thing. Make sure that they understand what I’ve learned. I am a feminist. But I know now that the deck is stacked, and the table is tilted, and NOT in the direction of the men that want to take care of their kids. I am disgusted by this.

  9. MAC

    Currently researching into “PARENTAL ALIENATION SYNDROME” by Narcissistic, Sociopath, Borderline Personality Disordered “”nut job” women, who deceive, manipulate, lie, cheat & steal their way into keeping & treating their children as personal possessions whilst systematically trying to destroy the ex husband in the child’s eyes by any and all means….they have a win at all cost mentality, where the former partner must be destroyed. They are, in all essence, the very epitome of evil, the very worst kind of abusers.

    They usually have a sad childhood there selves, some by being placed second to a sibling by their own parents who bond with the more loving sibling and dismiss them because of their cold nature, naturally warming to the more loving child. They then go on to split and create false selves, always trying to be the No1 in the parents eyes, thinking they can prove they are better than the other sibling by gaining material possessions and better career positions….always coming up short….and never attaining what they so desperately want…to be the No1. They are cold blooded and have no real understanding of love or empathy for others whatsoever. They are pretty easy to spot once you are AWARE of what your dealing with, and that is the problem….becoming AWARE, this is usually only seen when they look to discard or gain something they desire. They are hugely immoral creatures and will plumb the very depths with ease as they have little to no conscience or morality. One of the strongest markers is they will not suffer the slightest criticism, and will react strongly in the face of any, even if it is well intentioned or constructive. They will often brag to others how much they tried to get the children & father together….(a chasm they created)…”but the children just hate him so much, what can I do”… or that other old chestnut “The children are free to do as they want”…(and boy, do they know exactly what their mother wants….woe betide them if they took a different course….just a look would be enough). They often “project” and this will easily be borne out in their past history when you thoroughly analyse it and their former victims. Be warned that this type plans well in advance for the husbands downfall using any and all foul means, they are already well on the way denigrating the father to the children, fully aware of what they are doing….while he is generally unaware, (as no one would expect that type of evil from someone who purported to love them or their children).

    The only advantage I can see with these types is that they are usually very UNINTELLIGENT and will repeatedly lie through court documentation or on anything factual which then can be easily held onto for future reference. My advice here is to hold onto everything, including all phone text messaging as this alone will tell an interesting story. I know that in my case just one of the many things listed in official court documents as provided by the ex, was a table defining all that I had supposedly provided by way of income or other, apparently, according to her, I had provided ZERO % to my own children in 15 of the 17 listed categories, and I was given 1% in the other 2 over the sum total of 18 years of my children’s lives, those items listed ranged from financial, sporting, educational & care…..THIS EQUATED MY TOTAL SUPPORT FOR MY CHILDREN AT .00117% (I would have literally needed to be living in the Antarctic for this to be possible….lol)….but we aren’t exactly dealing with someone of sound mind here and this soon becomes apparent as the paperwork rolls out. Just as scary are the solicitors who facilitate these women and these equally outrageous claims….(What’s that old saying….”like finding like”….they certainly do…they sniff money & each other like a bloodhound….morals & integrity play no part with this kind.)

    Another tactic worth mentioning is the tactic that the father doesn’t pay any child support, which is used to drive the father further down in the eye’s of the child’s & others, WHEN IN FACT court transcripts will clearly show that this has been allocated for & noted by the presiding judge in their property assessment percentage split…..however, she won’t be one to let the facts get in the way of her delusional agenda….scary indeed, and I might add easily proven by the court record.

    And then there are some of the children of these deranged women who have the same recessive, personality disordered gene, unfortunate as it may be, (as it can & does flow down the maternal line, and you will most always find a history of domineering women and subservient men who when asked to jump…always respond, “how high”, these are without question strongly Matriarchal households.) Children with this gene mostly cannot be helped. What to look out for in these children is if they have zero empathy for others, won’t take the slightest criticism etc, They may also lack love & concern even for the family dog, or if the dog was closer to the father, start hating the dog as well, this is usually a strong indicator of a disordered personality… no care for animals generally, they are just objects like a chair, nothing concerns them except for their own self, image, money & power. These types WILL parrot the mother….a mini me if you will & actually partake in the lies of the mother KNOWINGLY….this is a hard one to accept for the father….that they KNOW what they are doing. Once the father gets past the loss & grief…(which is far worse than a death), and really looks deeply into what these older children are and have become by their very actions, they must move on, as nothing can be done for them. Money & control is their only driver now, so be sure not to leave them a cent in your will, the children you thought you knew & loved have literally left the building, (maybe they were never in it….you just refused to look). They will even go as far as calling you by your first name instead of Dad. These types also only see the mother as “all good” and the father as “all bad” with no good experiences with the father to speak of at all, this is a VERY STRONG indicator, perhaps one of the strongest, as no normal child if asked, would view both their parents in such a distorted all good, all bad fashion. They also show very little emotion in what should be, for a normal child, a heart breaking event and barely miss a beat…much like the disordered mother. As hard as it is to look for the father, (and this is an unbelievably hard thing to do), look you must, for if you do not you will be like the proverbial dog chasing its tail for the rest of your life, not believing that this is possible and never moving forward.

    For the other true child victims of this insane woman is that they purely and simply have no awareness, and believe anything that comes out of her mouth without putting her to the test…as they should be able to believe their own Mum…right?…WRONG..and they WILL understand further down the track when and if they ever inquire into all the facts upon maturing, also being more out from under the complete controlling, domineering nature of the mother and her extended family by default, who often try to hide what they know is wrong.

    Only the really strong children would ever make it that far, and given the overwhelming nature that these controlling she-beasts & family have over them, the odds are not stacked in their favour as they will use every dirty trick in the book, crying at will….”look at all I’ve done for you”, etc….It is only after they have scrolled through them all with no success that you get to see them rage out, where they will try to bend your will to theirs…eyes popping. The child may also, if lucky, understand more from other friends who will question their distorted thinking on such issues.

    Other factors to look for in these disordered women is no true care or concern for others, though they learn to mimic, this is an interesting aspect, as being a false self they have no real personality, no true humour….(sarcasm mostly), most with this disorder are very UNORIGINAL…(I would not in the least be surprised if what I have discussed is reversed onto me….such is their lack of originality) both in thought and creativity and all without exception are VERY CONTROLLING…finances, people etc. You can never get truly intimate with these types, the more you confide in them the more they see as information they can use against you (the thing I noticed on reflection was that there was virtually nothing shared by her side over a very long period of time, this shocked me).
    Strangely it is control itself which they use to overcome the overwhelming anxiety bottled within, inside they are a seething mass of insecurity….most pill popping just to sleep of a night, every night….they are always fearful of EXPOSURE.

    The future prognosis for the children of these deranged women is usually not a good one either way, as most lack the internal strength needed to seek out the TRUTH, and if found out, AND VERIFIED, their own personal guilt for their poor behaviour, judgement, would be overwhelming, this too would have to be overcome for a “normal” adult child to succeed and move forward. If they don’t however find this inner strength their own anxiety from within will ruin their lives, one would hope that inside of them there will be that small still voice that never quietens, or they should indeed hope that there is, for without that voice, the voice of conscience…they would be forever lost.

    Very sad creatures indeed these women and certainly best out of ones life after they have chosen another victim to pursue, purely because they cannot be helped and will make any man’s life a living hell, they are always scheming and planning their evil unknown to others, the love of the children is not a normal love for ones such as these…it is a complete ownership love…a possession, frantic & fearful. They will always stake a claim in their children’s lives never letting them acquire true independence, they will insinuate there selves into every aspect of their children’s lives, snooping, prying, invading their privacy all with the aim to keep their control.

    For the Ex Husband however, once over the shock, (and it will indeed shock you to fully see through them), and also being free & disentangled from their webs of manipulation & deceit, (and this does take time)… it is like living and breathing again for the very first time….a life free, away from these soul sucking people.

    My heart truly goes out to all the victims of these disgusting women and the poor children who grow up under their tutelage to either become them, or carry the scars from them, by losing those that would have otherwise truly loved them and been there for them all through their life.

    Blessings to all those who have encountered women like this, you can survive, and you can have a wonderful life….with those who truly care for you.

    • heyu

      I love your response. As the new wife to one of these dads, its refreshing to see someone “get it”. I’m going to be sure my husband reads this article and these responses the second he gets home today!

    • damonlath

      Mac – Thanks. This has helped me get through my victimization, now I know how I’ve been treating others all these years. C(A,B,C?) Mother trained me well. Ended relationship & have felt the “FOG”, but once it starts to pass & I start validating myself again, things get better!~~~

    • Lost

      It’s amazing how much your story is like mine. With one major difference… I’m the alienated Mother. And you’re right when you say that the grief is worse than a death. Thank you for writing this. It helped to give me some perspective. I’m sorry you’ve had the experience that you have. It’s really horrible to be abused in this way. Here’s to moving forward. I wish you all the best.

  10. cinderelli

    I was recently assaulted physically by my sister in law and had previously established clear boundaries regarding verbal abuse over 20 years ago. Over the years , I watched her verbally. & mentally abuse other family members & friends and encouraged them to set boundaries to prevent further incidents or expect to be a target until doing do.
    I also am a survivor if domestic violence and have been free from my ex-abuser since 2003. After years if therapy I know what I will and will not tolerate in relationships and have Zero tolerance physical abuse and chose not to put myself in any situations where there is a possibility of that happening. One thing I did learn us that an abuser will more than likely do it again if there are no consequences for their actions, do nothing to change their behavior & if you allow it to happen. I chose to control what Is in my control and will no longer interact with that person until I feel safe & comfortable to do so.
    My family is now blaming me for holding on to the past and for killing my parents who are emotionally debased over the separation of our family. It has come between me and my two sisters and has caused me to become very distant from my parents. I obviously don’t speak to my brother as his wife is the one who attacked me and my other brother is trying to remain neutral and avoid confrontation with the other siblings and my parents. I ended my abusive marriage and hoped my children would learn how to resolve conflict in a healthy and productive manner only to have her attack me at my nephews birthday part as my children, nieces & nephews watched in horror and fear.
    The holidays are coming again for the 2nd time and my kids want to see all if their cousins but I don’t feel comfortable being around her and feel I too would be giving her a pass and no consequences for her actions. She has attended all family functions & holidays since the incident leaving me no other choice to not attend. I feel she should have been excluded and should have understood that her behavior isn’t acceptable and should have sought help, which she didn’t & no one would stand up to her and say it but told me they understood why I wasn’t coming . Am I wrong? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

    • soused rat

      just found this site today. I don’t have any advice, but I do not exactly what the family pressure feels like to keep being the abused one…It keeps the rest of them safe from the abuser. They ignore the terrible behavior and blame you for not tolerating it. I wish I had some real advice to give you.

  11. buy1home

    I have to detach from my two sons but I end up missing them. Where do I start ?
    I am convinced I have to detach from them completely but I miss them. What can I do ?

    Someone wrote here that they let their abuser win by not pulling the rope and they have
    recovered their freedom. Maybe I should just do that and let the mother behind my two
    sons sociopathic attitude win. Yeah. What else ?

    Thank You

    AAA

  12. jj

    Thanks Dr. Tara great information.

  13. bluesky

    Thank you for this article Dr Tara! The timing was very good, and very helpful. Every good parent thinks the worst thing they could ever do is cut ties with a child (even an adult child), and the burden of guilt kept me hostage to continued abuse and hostility for many years! The reference to The Kumbaya Forgiveness Police and whenthescapegoatquits…well, that was what I needed. :) Really, this is going on my office wall. I still cringe, knowing that every mishap that ever befalls my daughter will always be my fault, and I will always be blamed, but at least I can distance myself from the finger pointing and accusations. May we all be toxin free.

  14. soused rat

    Thanks for this article. I needed to read it today. I cut off contact with an abusive sister 20 years ago and now she is dying (she’s only 56) and the abuse is continuing…I am getting sucked into all sorts of stuff from other family members. Anyone have any advice for me as I negotiate these last few weeks of her life, while I am still the outcast and family villian, but all sorts of icky stuff is coming at me and I feel abused all over again. Thanks….

  15. EvK

    Thank you for this article. So much truth in this, it’s the kind of rare insight that you almost never find out there. I am estranged from a sociopathic mother and it seems most people get so dark on adult children who cut ties with a parent/ parents, no matter how terrible the abuse; covert victim blaming. Sure they mean well when they say “you should just call her up, and work it out. She’s you mother (fave line).” I mean, I’m happy for the people who don’t understand, don’t get it because they must have family members who haven’t subjected them to anything close.

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